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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 23, 2018 15:48:49 GMT -5
Makes me wonder about the people who join, post a name on here, and never contribute? How many are refusers hunting for ammunition?
personally I took a stance from the beginning, " I hope she reads it. it's all true". Usually far better written than I will ever get to speak it when dealing with the manipulator. I don't regret any of it. Then the cherry on top is all the confirmation from others on here.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 23, 2018 16:42:43 GMT -5
Makes me wonder about the people who join, post a name on here, and never contribute? How many are refusers hunting for ammunition? personally I took a stance from the beginning, " I hope she reads it. it's all true. Usually far better written than I will ever get to speak it when dealing with the manipulator. I don't regret any of it. Then the cherry on top is all the confirmation from others on here. I was intentional about my sloppiness in hiding my identity, for that reason.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 24, 2018 14:37:33 GMT -5
Makes me wonder about the people who join, post a name on here, and never contribute? How many are refusers hunting for ammunition? personally I took a stance from the beginning, " I hope she reads it. it's all true. Usually far better written than I will ever get to speak it when dealing with the manipulator. I don't regret any of it. Then the cherry on top is all the confirmation from others on here. I was intentional about my sloppiness in hiding my identity, for that reason. I also was originally okay with my H finding me on this site if he chose to go looking. (He never did, to my knowledge.) I didn't want to hurt him but everything I said was true. Then I started outsourcing. I don't want him to EVER find out about that because I know it WOULD hurt him. So my stance there has changed. I know I don't have control over it but I do hope he never stumbles upon it. Regarding when someone's spouse shows up here and we start to hear his/her side of the story: I find those examples to be fascinating. I don't necessarily see it as the refuser being "selfish and self-absorbed" but rather, perhaps it's evidence of 1.) just how incompatible some of us are with our spouses and 2.) what a complete lack of good communication there has been in said marriage. Often, the two seem SO far apart in their thinking and POV on what has transpired that it's difficult to even picture them as the same people we've gotten to "know".
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2018 14:43:18 GMT -5
Regarding when someone's spouse shows up here and we start to hear his/her side of the story: I find those examples to be fascinating. I don't necessarily see it as the refuser being "selfish and self-absorbed" but rather, perhaps it's evidence of 1.) just how incompatible some of us are with our spouses and 2.) what a complete lack of good communication there has been in said marriage. Often, the two seem SO far apart in their thinking and POV on what has transpired that it's difficult to even picture them as the same people we've gotten to "know". I agree so much with this. There are some real jerks in the world, of course, but most people just try to muddle by as best they can. We only see one side of the story here (usually) and I often wonder if the spouse is as bad as they are made out to be, or is the problem really the dynamic between two otherwise decent human beings.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 24, 2018 15:18:20 GMT -5
Regarding when someone's spouse shows up here and we start to hear his/her side of the story: I find those examples to be fascinating. I don't necessarily see it as the refuser being "selfish and self-absorbed" but rather, perhaps it's evidence of 1.) just how incompatible some of us are with our spouses and 2.) what a complete lack of good communication there has been in said marriage. Often, the two seem SO far apart in their thinking and POV on what has transpired that it's difficult to even picture them as the same people we've gotten to "know". I agree so much with this. There are some real jerks in the world, of course, but most people just try to muddle by as best they can. We only see one side of the story here (usually) and I often wonder if the spouse is as bad as they are made out to be, or is the problem really the dynamic between two otherwise decent human beings. I actually DO see the other side of the SM coin quite often, as I am part of an online group of women in their mid-30s to mid-40s who are wives and mothers. (Online friends turned real-life friends.) We talk about all kinds of things including families and marriages and SO MANY of them talk about how they have zero sex drive since having children. Many struggle to even still LIKE their Hs, nevermind desire them. And what hurts is I can see their point! Even after being on the refusing end of my SM! It is not black and white and refusers (for the most part) are not horrible people. I have talked openly with my women's group about being refused by my H and the mental anguish it has caused, and quite a few of them were very interested to learn my POV and began trying harder with their Hs. I'm hopeful I'm helping them avoid ending up here, heh. I fully agree that it is often the dynamic between the two that may be the issue, often exacerbated by whatever challenges are going on in their lives. We joke about the bacon scented candles but for those marriages that still have hope and a solid foundation, "candles" may actually do the trick! Sadly, I do believe that many here on ILIASM are just incompatible even if both spouses are willing to work on it (which is rarely the case). This doesn't mean either spouse is a terrible person; just that perhaps they are not good together.
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Post by baza on Aug 24, 2018 19:26:27 GMT -5
There is a tendency in this group (just like IRL) to try and apportion "blame", or to hold one course of action as being "better" than another. To "judge". To assess a situation as being "right" or "wrong". And this is a pretty standard thing, a basic human trait. But the thing is, none of it helps to bring the unsatisfactory situation to a resolution. Generally, you will find that people who have taken their deal to resolution - say timeforliving2 (in the case of a turnaround resolution) or nyartgal (in the case of a divorce resolution) - tend to say, after the dust has settled - "it was what it was"....and who was "right", who had the "moral highground" or who acted the most "ethically" doesn't particularly matter. It was what it was.
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Post by sweetplumeria on Sept 10, 2018 0:47:12 GMT -5
Baz I only know one turnaround from our old EP site. That I am aware the person hasn't found this group, situation got turned around with counseling and never returned. Here's another sample of 10 with a common joining date of 30th March 2016. I have a particular interest in this sample because I am in it !! together with 9 others. baza - last post August 2018 - left (left before I ever joined this group) counted as "left" Frustrated1978 - last post Feb 2018 - staying (went real close to leaving at one point) missinhard - last post August 2018 - left graessparrow - last post April 2016 - basically inactive sminpa - last post June 2018 - staying @lostsoul - last post August 2018 - staying rain - last post March 2016 - basically inactive pinkjeanie70 - last post Sep 2016 - basically inactive @creelunion - last post August 2018 - left plainoldme724 - last post April 2016 - basically inactive 4 - basically went inactive 3 - staying 3 - left And yet again, no examples of turnaround situations. I promise I will cease doing these samples for a while, they are probably starting to give you the shits. Must admit though, I find them fascinating in a morbid sort of way.
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Post by baza on Sept 10, 2018 1:29:25 GMT -5
Marriages that turn up in here Sister sweetplumeria usually tell of some pretty dysfunctional situations that have been in situ for years. One of the Sisters today provided an update on her deal. Her husband presents as a disengaged spouse, a disengaged parent, not much of a financial contributor. Three pretty big strikes there, and unsurprisingly, no sex happening either. And it's not as if this sort of story is rare in this group. In fact, such stories are very common, though the specific detail may differ from story to story. I'd suggest that on the dysfunctional continuum, the sort of marriages you see here are basket cases, unfixables, very much at the arse end of the demographic. Perhaps one step up from the physically violent situations, and certainly no-where near what you might call "normal".
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 18, 2019 0:48:53 GMT -5
Here's another sample of 10 with a common joining date of 30th March 2016. I have a particular interest in this sample because I am in it !! together with 9 others. baza - last post August 2018 - left (left before I ever joined this group) counted as "left" Frustrated1978 - last post Feb 2018 - staying (went real close to leaving at one point) missinhard - last post August 2018 - left graessparrow - last post April 2016 - basically inactive sminpa - last post June 2018 - staying @lostsoul - last post August 2018 - staying rain - last post March 2016 - basically inactive pinkjeanie70 - last post Sep 2016 - basically inactive @creelunion - last post August 2018 - left plainoldme724 - last post April 2016 - basically inactive 4 - basically went inactive 3 - staying 3 - left And yet again, no examples of turnaround situations. I promise I will cease doing these samples for a while, they are probably starting to give you the shits. Must admit though, I find them fascinating in a morbid sort of way. As of January 18 2019 Frustrated is still in his marriage.
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