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Post by workingonit on Aug 21, 2018 13:03:22 GMT -5
This past weekend I had a reunion and returned to a place from my younger years that was a place of freedom, growth, and feeling fully accepted and alive. In returning I plugged into all of that once again and felt keenly how suppressed I have been in my marriage.
Beyond the question of sex but not excluding it what parts of yourself have been sacrificed on the altar of marriage?
For me: My loud, exuberant nature. My comfort with confrontation (good and bad) and true seeing someone. My somewhat crass sense of humor. My ability to state clearly things I want. My affectionate, touchy feely self. My wild.
What are yours? (I think reclaiming these is part of either staying or going if we are going to recover)
On a side note I connected to a friend I had been very close to in formative years but have lost touch with since age 24. When I briefly told her about my SM deal she literally fell off the log she was sitting on. She said "You could have told me almost anything and it would be less shocking. YOU? In an SM?? How are YOU surviving that?!" It was good to remember how enthusiastic and open I was sexually as a younger person. It was so interesting to see her reflection of me. Again, how far down the rabbit hole I have sunk.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 21, 2018 14:07:34 GMT -5
This past weekend I had a reunion and returned to a place from my younger years that was a place of freedom, growth, and feeling fully accepted and alive. In returning I plugged into all of that once again and felt keenly how suppressed I have been in my marriage. Beyond the question of sex but not excluding it what parts of yourself have been sacrificed on the altar of marriage? For me: My loud, exuberant nature. My comfort with confrontation (good and bad) and true seeing someone. My somewhat crass sense of humor. My ability to state clearly things I want. My affectionate, touchy feely self. My wild. What are yours? (I think reclaiming these is part of either staying or going if we are going to recover) On a side note I connected to a friend I had been very close to in formative years but have lost touch with since age 24. When I briefly told her about my SM deal she literally fell off the log she was sitting on. She said "You could have told me almost anything and it would be less shocking. YOU? In an SM?? How are YOU surviving that?!" It was good to remember how enthusiastic and open I was sexually as a younger person. It was so interesting to see her reflection of me. Again, how far down the rabbit hole I have sunk. Thank you for sharing workingonit! I have been going through a sort of reclaiming phase myself and some of your “lost items” are some of mine too. More specifically for me: -my general zest for life and fun-loving personality -my witty sense of humor -my desire for fun, adventurous, frequent sex (well, that didn’t go anywhere, but falls in the squashed category) -the freedom to express my opinions in my own home because my h says it makes him too uncomfortable -my sense of fashion. I used to buy the cutest heels and jeans and tops to strut around in, and I don’t get noticed now, so why bother? -positive, I-can-do-anything mindset -sleep. A lot of sleep. Adding another category: Gained 15 lbs 😬 due to depression. Bleh. Shit. Typing this out is an eye-opener 😳 I think my old friends would fall off their chairs too, come to think of it.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 21, 2018 14:08:05 GMT -5
My crass sense of humor had to go, and my motorcycle as well, along with any other sense of adventure. I disconnected with all of my female friends, also, because I knew I would be susceptible to temptation while my new wife worked through her issues. Obviously, she never did. I think we had the same problem, sister workingonit. We selected a mate at a time we were getting back to our religious roots, and married someone using that religion to mask their inadequacies.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 21, 2018 14:11:27 GMT -5
A dear mentor and friend said to me today, “I think we women have been programmed to exist but not really live” I think what we’ve lost in our SM only further validates that theory, don’t you think workingonit?
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Post by workingonit on Aug 21, 2018 14:25:06 GMT -5
A dear mentor and friend said to me today, “I think we women have been programmed to exist but not really live” I think what we’ve lost in our SM only further validates that theory, don’t you think workingonit? I do agree very much. I think I for one have taken on the role of wife and put everything else second other than my children. Feels good to start to wake up
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Post by workingonit on Aug 21, 2018 14:27:39 GMT -5
ironhamster 100% And you remind me- I also gave up my male friends at the explicit demand of my new husband. Including my best friend who was going through rehab. My husband would freak out if I spoke to him. I have since been back in touch. And I have new male friends. H is still not ok with it.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 21, 2018 14:40:29 GMT -5
My crass sense of humor had to go, and my motorcycle as well, along with any other sense of adventure. I disconnected with all of my female friends, also, because I knew I would be susceptible to temptation while my new wife worked through her issues. Obviously, she never did. I think we had the same problem, sister workingonit . We selected a mate at a time we were getting back to our religious roots, and married someone using that religion to mask their inadequacies. What was her reasoning for getting rid of the bike ironhamster? She clearly never rode with you because anyone who's been on the back of bike with a fun-loving guy knows how exhilarating it is!
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 21, 2018 14:55:22 GMT -5
My crass sense of humor had to go, and my motorcycle as well, along with any other sense of adventure. I disconnected with all of my female friends, also, because I knew I would be susceptible to temptation while my new wife worked through her issues. Obviously, she never did. I think we had the same problem, sister workingonit . We selected a mate at a time we were getting back to our religious roots, and married someone using that religion to mask their inadequacies. What was her reasoning for getting rid of the bike ironhamster? She clearly never rode with you because anyone who's been on the back of bike with a fun-loving guy knows how exhilarating it is! Correct. She never did. It was too dangerous for her liking. I had wrecked it before meeting her, and rebuilt it, rode it again, but the adrenaline surge was not what it had been, and since it was not going to be something we did together it was time for it to go. I have thought about getting another, but testing my limits is something I will do, and recovering at fifty is a much different thing than recovering at twenty-five. It is in my best interest to go with something safer like climbing or skydiving.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 21, 2018 15:19:33 GMT -5
ironhamster sky diving has been on my wish list for so long! It will be one of the first things I do when I have financial freedom.
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Post by whuffo on Aug 21, 2018 16:30:00 GMT -5
ironhamster sky diving has been on my wish list for so long! It will be one of the first things I do when I have financial freedom. You’ve gotta do it! You haven’t really lived until you’ve hucked yourself out of an airplane. I was a tandem master and I got such a thrill out of taking first time jumpers on a ride. It made me feel the thrill all over again each time. Do it immediately and come back here and tell us all about it!!! It’ll change your life! Luckily I was a skydiver before my SM started or else it probably would have been squashed
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 21, 2018 17:20:55 GMT -5
ironhamster sky diving has been on my wish list for so long! It will be one of the first things I do when I have financial freedom. You’ve gotta do it! You haven’t really lived until you’ve hucked yourself out of an airplane. I was a tandem master and I got such a thrill out of taking first time jumpers on a ride. It made me feel the thrill all over again each time. Do it immediately and come back here and tell us all about it!!! It’ll change your life! Luckily I was a skydiver before my SM started or else it probably would have been squashed Yes! Totally agree with whuffo, you gotta do it! I jumped twice (once static-line, once tandem) before my SM. A must-do, bucket list item for sure!
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Post by flounder on Aug 21, 2018 19:29:32 GMT -5
my sense of fashion. I used to buy the cutest heels and jeans and tops to strut around in, and I don’t get noticed now, so why bother? -heartbrokengirl
Perhaps you should buy them again. Who says you will go unnoticed? Just because he’s blind as a bat doesn’t mean someone else is. Confidence is sexy !
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Post by baza on Aug 21, 2018 21:11:15 GMT -5
I think it is a two-edged thing Sister workingonit . There are two things in play in a dysfunctional marriage. #1 - is *you*, trying to force the marriage in to being something it is not capable of being - which then leads to ..... #2 - *you* trying to accomodate / assimilate the dysfunctionality into your life - which by sheer necessity means you have to forego a heap of things that are important to you. Say, sex as an obvious example. As a further example, these traits of yours (quoting you here) - "My loud, exuberant nature. My comfort with confrontation (good and bad) and true seeing someone. My somewhat crass sense of humor. My ability to state clearly things I want. My affectionate, touchy feely self. My wild" In a functional marriage, these traits are embraced by your spouse, part of what he loves about you. In an ILIASM shithole, these traits are rejected by your spouse, actively discouraged, and are not part of what he loves about you. Incidently, these traits you mention - I believe - are still in you, and in a favourable environment they would come to the fore again.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 21, 2018 22:16:07 GMT -5
I can relate to this sentiment at some level...my role as a father has been consuming. Sometimes I feel Ive lost my sense of self for large swaths of time. Ive been a father for 19 years, and with my youngest still 6, I probably have another 12 or so years of fatherhood within the context of responsibility for a dependent minor. I dont blame anyone except myself for not having better managed the balance. I truly admire those that have managed the balance act that entails being a parent, an awesome spouse, and managing some room for themselves and their interest. My wife is the same for the most part. Im starting to believe this might be a failing between us. At other times I wonder if Im just falling into the trap of selfishness for feeling that way. And so it goes. A dear mentor and friend said to me today, “I think we women have been programmed to exist but not really live” I think what we’ve lost in our SM only further validates that theory, don’t you think workingonit? I do agree very much. I think I for one have taken on the role of wife and put everything else second other than my children. Feels good to start to wake up
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muzack
Junior Member
Posts: 75
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Post by muzack on Aug 21, 2018 22:20:28 GMT -5
Lost: A lot of sex and intimacy. Years of outdoor activities. Rest/peace that comes from fighting off repeated micromanagement. Financial stability.
Gained: Wife actual has encouraged me to be more outgoing socially. Someone who actually does want the best for me, even if they fail quite a bit delivering it. A dedicated mother to my daughter. Someone that shares my messed up humor.
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