What did you find to be the shelf life in months between "no sex expected" to "outta here"?
I hit "nothing expected" at 28 years of marriage, that was about a year ago.
I stopped expecting anything after 2 years of celibacy AND being screamed at that my penis didn't even work anymore. She cut me off in 2010, and I stopped expecting anything in 2012. When she would start her criticism, I would remind her of celibacy. My youngest went to college in the fall of 2015. On Jan 18, 2016, she asked why I seemed so depressed. I told her that I was down because I had not had sex in 6 years, and it looked like I never would again. She told me that it was all my fault, and I should be happy and fulfilled in a marriage that never included sex. A week later, she agreed to make an appointment with a gyno to find out what the problem was. She agreed to make an appointment in 2 weeks. After 2 weeks, she told me she had NOT made an appointment and would if/when she felt like it. I started looking for an apartment. Three weeks later, I moved out.
I decided that since there were no kids at home and we no longer owned a house, there was no reason for me to allow myself to be treated this way. I stayed for so long because she had told me that if I divorced her, she would move my daughters away and do everything she could to make sure I never saw them again. However, I am proud of myself that once my daughters were out of the equation, I only put up with her abuse and neglect for 6 months before I had enough.
And I am very glad that I did not have to deal with custody/child support issues. It is interesting to point out that my ExW absolutely refuses to help my daughter at all with her college expenses. Oh, and she has about $85,000 in the bank. She can have it. I got out with my health and most of my sanity.
250k cash here (and 50k in retirement savings). Over the course of 5 years another 118k in child support. And worth every penny.
Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest.
As regards the financials of a divorce, I'd just like to add this - from a perspective of someone "out" since October 2009.
At the time we split, there were divisible assets of about 1.5 mill...half that, or 750k nominally being "my" half. I settled for app 570k. Nominally "my" half of 750k less the 570k I settled for cost me 180k Figured I could make up the shortfall given a bit of time to nut out a financial recovery plan...and as the world recovered from the GFC.
I had cause last week to take a full inventory of my asset position as I plan for retirement. 9 years down the track my current figure is a touch over 1.3 mill.
Essentially at October 2009 I was worth 570k. 9 years later 1.3m.
Point I want to get at is not that I am a financial genius !!! - but rather that given a bit of time (9 years in this case) - you can rectify your financial position. "Today" you might think you got dudded in your financial split up, but there's a fair bit of the financial game to play out. If you are in your 40's / 50's you ought be able to do this 'relatively' easily as you paddle your own canoe. But you DO need to start NOW and you DO have to go through some short / medium pain.
I think it depends on if you think it’s a marriage. Even without a close intimate relationship, some will see it as a marriage, and some won’t. No one is right or wrong because their definition is their truth.
For some time, I felt like my husband was not my husband, and I didn’t want to use the word “husband” in relation to him. It seemed like a mockery and insult to me to use it. Strange how now he is dead, I only think of him as my husband. I guess my perspective has changed because I’m holding on to something, and trying to salvage some emotional comfort that even through the misery that was my marriage, I still loved him, and still miss him. If I discard the 25-years with him, the void it leaves would be too much to bear. I have nothing to look forward to in old age (except death), so I won’t emotionally throw away my marriage as much as it hurt me living through it.
Caris . I have nothing to look forward to in old age.
My IC told me to write down 10 things everyday that I liked or would dislike if I had to give them up.
1. I learned about fuel stabilization for storing a lawnmower over the winter. why? because trying to start a lawnmower with bad gas in the spring sucks. 2. Green seedless grapes were $1 at the store while red seedless grapes were $2 a pound. I bought 4lbs of green seedless grapes so I have $4 extra dollars. 2. I bought a Coke for $1, the same Coke my rich dentists buys for the same price. We are on the same level with some things. 3. H helped a friend with a device to improve his hearing. 4. One of my tires needed air. My local gas station has a new tire inflation station with a big visible air pressure guage so now I don't have to worry about how much air to put in my tire. 5. I had lunch at a favorite place and used my loyalty points so it cost me $1.99. 6. I went on a vacation 2 years ago. Now there are road condition cameras on the same route I took. I saw snow on one mountain pass, rain near a place where I filled up my fuel tank and a big rig truck at a place there is a border crossing sign I stood in front of to take a selfie. It is good to relive pleasant memories and see other people traveling. 7. I sold some stock which I lost some money but I also sold some stock I made money. I got rid of a dog stock and took some profits without paying much income tax. 8. It got cold last evening and the furnace came on automatically. When I was a kid getting cold outside with only a stove that burnt wood meant someone (me) had to get the wood, cut it up, stoke the fire, clean the ashes, re-lite the fire when it went out at night and sometimes the ice would build upon the windows. Life is so much easier and warmer now. 9. I covered up my tomatoes and they didn't freeze. Good weather will be back in a few days and i will have fresh tomatoes. 10. No nookie but I still have several friends I talk with. 11. When I ride my bicycle, sometimes I feel like I am 12 again.
I understand remembering the good parts of most early marriages. I am assuming there were good times in your marriage. I don't know how a person could nu-remember a marriage. It would be similar to trying to un-ringing a bell.
In my opinion, without sex, you are not in a marriage, you are mere roommates.
There is no single answer to "what makes a friendship?" or even "is this a friendship?"
And so it is with marriage, too. A sexless marriage is a perfectly valid form of marriage.
So I rotate the question slightly: "if my marriage is indistinguishable from a roommateship... why would I give it the benefits of something I wouldn't extend to my roommate?" You know, like sexual fidelity, a promise to take care of you if you get old and ill before I do, half of my wealth, etc.
Not saying this is at odds with flashjohn's statement. More like "tomato/tomatoe"!
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
solodriver: Thanks warmways
Oct 30, 2019 23:36:15 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy: When using a member's username in a post, how does one get it to be in different color and work as a link? I can type in the name but after posting it doesn't look the same as when others use member's usernames in their posts.
Nov 2, 2019 11:37:25 GMT -5
bfar: Just stumbled on this article:https://masculinebydesign.com/sexless-marriage-is-symptomatic-of-emasculated-husbands/ was more than a little disconcerting. Are we digging ourselves further in the hole by trying to be all enlightened and sensitive?
Nov 3, 2019 13:46:42 GMT -5
petrushka: Mate, what's the alternative to all enlightened and sensitive here? Rape? Coercion? Sexual assault? Thanks, but I can do better than being a complete arsehole (or psychopath for that matter).
Nov 3, 2019 21:11:53 GMT -5
bfar: Petrushka... I'm just wondering if we shot ourselves in the foot, as it were, by giving giving up on our strength, and giving in to the feminist agenda of making men irrelevant.
Nov 5, 2019 11:30:21 GMT -5
petrushka: Sorry, I don't buy into that at all. I'm not giving up anything. I've been into the "feminist agenda" for nearly 60 years. Having an empowered partner empowers me. I want strong women around me who take responsibility for themselves and who can face me
Nov 5, 2019 17:20:16 GMT -5
petrushka: I see 'strong men', and controlling bullies, as basically weak, lacking confidence and self esteem -- hence they think they need to assert themselves that way. I loathe patriarchy as much as matriarchy. Partners should be equals.
Nov 5, 2019 17:24:43 GMT -5
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5