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Post by csl on Aug 16, 2018 10:39:49 GMT -5
In another thread, I wrote this a couple of days ago:
Yesterday, in searching for an old email in my CSL blog email account, I came across an email that I had completely forgotten about. This man had emailed me in May of ‘17 telling about his SM situation and asked if I had any suggestions. Being the all-wise librarian and coot that I am, of course I did, and sent a long reply. Five months later, I got this reply:
Now, I know the statistics, but I also know that “common knowledge” is neither common nor knowledge. Merely shared assumptions.
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Post by baza on Aug 16, 2018 19:19:29 GMT -5
Must admit, I'd like to see people like this 'wonderful woman teacher at a local seminary' (referenced in this blokes email to Brother csl ) have a crack at sorting out the marriage of Sister darktippedrose , or mypaintbrushes , or solodriver etc etc.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 16, 2018 21:12:41 GMT -5
I do not know the starting point of their dysfunction, nor the full extent, but had my wife had such a turn-around, that would have been a miracle on par with moving a mountain.
I am happy his marriage is fixed, and happy my marriage is ending.
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Post by WindSister on Aug 16, 2018 21:29:26 GMT -5
I do not know the starting point of their dysfunction, nor the full extent, but had my wife had such a turn-around, that would have been a miracle on par with moving a mountain. I am happy his marriage is fixed, and happy my marriage is ending. Amen. Everyone has a different path. I'm also glad my SM ended. I am beyond grateful it ended, infact, every morning I wake up next to the love of my life, and we are going on year five together, so it is not exactly new love. All I say is action is where it's at; if someone changes, fine, but talking about it for years and years, going around and around and around and AROUND that SM mountain for decades??? There's more to life.
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Post by jim44444 on Aug 17, 2018 8:50:13 GMT -5
As always each relationship is unique in its dynamics. In the examples csl presents the dynamic is of two people who have lost the focus on their relationship but who desire to improve/restore their marriage including the sexual side. The dynamics we often see here is of a broken relationship where one party is quite happy to maintain the status quo. Or where other dysfunctional issues such as addiction or mental health issues destroy the relationship. Fixing these relationships is near impossible and the ROI will be in the negative range. On another site a woman was lamenting the death of her marriage and praising her life since then. She had an interesting observation in her story where she related "The most painful thing he ever said to me was when I gently brought up having sex yet again and he retorted "I already have two jobs {wife}. I don't need a third." I was a job." There in lies our problem, our spouses do not make us a priority. We are just another chore on a to-do list and not a high priority chore.
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Post by baza on Aug 17, 2018 20:18:29 GMT -5
Sometimes, you don't even get on the "to do" list.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 17, 2018 23:23:42 GMT -5
The only time I was on the "to do" list was when it was clear to her that I was at my breaking point, then, with minimal effort expended, the box on the list was checked off.
If I voiced any opinions about how to make it better next time, I was shut down. If I tried to encourage her, I was shut down. I asked her what she wanted me to do afterward. She wanted me to "bask in the glory." Urgh. The glory of what?
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Post by snowman12345 on Aug 18, 2018 5:10:38 GMT -5
I find it ironic, in my deal I have gotten by the sexless thing, only to have another obstacle drop between us. Money. Not how to make it (we've done that), but how to use it. It makes me shake my head how she can promise someone (not me this time) something and then renege on the deal - but only if you are a family member. To the rest of the world she keeps every promise as a solemn vow. To family members, not so much. She is so much more passive aggressive than I ever realized. Yes, the sexless part is only a symptom of the underlying problem.
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 18, 2018 9:35:59 GMT -5
I think this is fantastic proof that BOTH partners have to be equally open and willing to change, do the work, find solutions, and take risks to fix their marriage. In my case, I was willing to do ANYTHING, including an open marriage, and my ex was willing to do...exactly nothing.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Aug 18, 2018 9:49:13 GMT -5
I think this is fantastic proof that BOTH partners have to be equally open and willing to change, do the work, find solutions, and take risks to fix their marriage. In my case, I was willing to do ANYTHING, including an open marriage, and my ex was willing to do...exactly nothing. Yes this is the answer both have to want change...
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 18, 2018 10:15:51 GMT -5
The only time I was on the "to do" list was when it was clear to her that I was at my breaking point, then, with minimal effort expended, the box on the list was checked off. If I voiced any opinions about how to make it better next time, I was shut down. If I tried to encourage her, I was shut down. I asked her what she wanted me to do afterward. She wanted me to "bask in the glory." Urgh. The glory of what? Of finally succeeding in getting her to allow you to fuck her perfect and pristine pussy, of course. Ugh, what a douchebag.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 18, 2018 12:11:04 GMT -5
The only time I was on the "to do" list was when it was clear to her that I was at my breaking point, then, with minimal effort expended, the box on the list was checked off. If I voiced any opinions about how to make it better next time, I was shut down. If I tried to encourage her, I was shut down. I asked her what she wanted me to do afterward. She wanted me to "bask in the glory." Urgh. The glory of what? Of finally succeeding in getting her to allow you to fuck her perfect and pristine pussy, of course. Ugh, what a douchebag. ROFL! Exactly.
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Post by csl on Aug 18, 2018 14:32:07 GMT -5
I think this is fantastic proof that BOTH partners have to be equally open and willing to change, do the work, find solutions, and take risks to fix their marriage. In my case, I was willing to do ANYTHING, including an open marriage, and my ex was willing to do...exactly nothing. YES!! I've said it several times on my blog, a happy/good marriage is not decided by one vote. But I also say that it only takes one person to change the marriage, for good or ill, simply by refusing to live in the status quo. It may bug the bejabbers out of the other spouse, but living differently forces changes--again, for good or ill. But it sure beats the alternative, which is merely marking time until you croak.
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Post by baza on Aug 18, 2018 18:47:48 GMT -5
True that. Like Brother csl says, if *you* start doing something different in a relationship, it invariably provokes a re-action or a response of some sort from the other party. And then, *you* respond to their response, and they respond to your response to their response....etc etc. And potentially, by passing this "ball of response" to and fro, you knock the thing off top dead centre, and it starts to move onward to wherever the truth drives it. Who starts it moving ? Given that you can only control yourself, *you* are hereby elected.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 18, 2018 20:48:49 GMT -5
The only time I was on the "to do" list was when it was clear to her that I was at my breaking point, then, with minimal effort expended, the box on the list was checked off. If I voiced any opinions about how to make it better next time, I was shut down. If I tried to encourage her, I was shut down. I asked her what she wanted me to do afterward. She wanted me to "bask in the glory." Urgh. The glory of what? Of finally succeeding in getting her to allow you to fuck her perfect and pristine pussy, of course. Ugh, what a douchebag. You know when I read this I think about my ex (and yours too@choosinghappy) It's not like she thought she was this perfect pristine hot chick,or your H thought he was this hot handsome hunk of a guy, they just have fears and a totally different way of rejecting everyone else who even dares get near it so they don't have to face it. I'll never forget her comment when I mentioned sex once a week, " I don't think I'll ever be ready for that". That really helped me see that it's not us, it's them.
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