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Post by MarianCali on Aug 15, 2018 16:32:46 GMT -5
Our anniversary is coming up and while I was looking for a special gift for him I'm just not feeling it this year when our relationship feels doomed. One year we completely glossed right over it and forgot. oops! I'm usually pretty thoughtful about my gifts but everything is just not how I feel. argghh! So frustrating!
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Post by shamwow on Aug 15, 2018 16:52:49 GMT -5
Last year was my 20th wedding anniversary. It also happened to be the day my divorce was finalized.
Best damn gift I'd gotten in years.
Joking aside, over the years gifts turned into us getting things that were needed around the house. A sofa, a TV, sprinkler system, etc. Talk about pure romance. A sprinkler system.
It gradually turned that way over the last 15 years of the marriage. The 19th anniversary was me giving a muttered "happy anniversary" just to get the formality out of the way. She returned my wishes with a nod.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 15, 2018 17:33:18 GMT -5
Our anniversary is coming up and while I was looking for a special gift for him I'm just not feeling it this year when our relationship feels doomed. One year we completely glossed right over it and forgot. oops! I'm usually pretty thoughtful about my gifts but everything is just not how I feel. argghh! So frustrating! Mine has been the typical card and flowers. My gifts to him have usually been a long weekend away somewhere, which has *never* resulted in sex.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 15, 2018 17:39:32 GMT -5
The last 3 years of my 34-year marriage, at my suggestion, we didn't have any celebration. Truth was, the marriage was dead. There was nothing to celebrate. It just felt sad to go through the motions of pretending that a dead marriage was something to celebrate.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Aug 15, 2018 18:38:58 GMT -5
My ex was as romantic about our anniversary as she was about anything else. Dear god, its just another day and heaven help me if I suggested that we connect physically. It turns out that, as she now claims, she never really felt any connection with me. Oh well, next anniversary is a big unknown for me. I suspect that I will need to reclaim the day in some way.
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Post by javba on Aug 15, 2018 19:23:38 GMT -5
I think the most honest thing she's done over last 3 years is not accepted any gifts from me, nor have I accepted any.
Now extended family and kids, different matter. Some sort of meal happens though and we participate in that.
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Post by baza on Aug 15, 2018 19:24:29 GMT -5
Do - or don't do - what you like Sister MarianCali . Either way, it won't have any effect on the trajectory your relationship is on. So it's probably not worth devoting much time and/or energy in to.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Aug 15, 2018 21:55:47 GMT -5
No. Not since after our 19th. Up until that point, I was a devoted, loving husband and made a pretty big deal of our anniversaries. She used to humblebrag about them on Facebook to friends and family. Bullshit like, "How did I end up with such a wonderful, loving husband?...blah, blah, blah" and pictures of the places we went to celebrate and affectionate demonstrations for the camera. Of course, that was all show, since that affection stopped once there weren't any pictures being taken, especially in the bedroom.
Sometime after our 19th anniversary, I had one of those "moments of clarity" where I realized that our marriage was a sham and that I was pretty much carrying all the load in our marriage. I took off my wedding ring for good, stopped any displays of affection that I didn't feel anymore, and basically checked out of the marriage. Our 20th was coming up and I know friends and family were expecting big things from me regarding this milestone. I think she knew something was up and I guess she tried to recruit her cousin to talk with me and plan something big for that special anniversary since she realized I wasn't. That did not go over well, to say the least.
Our 20th came and went, and I know she was mortified when people would congratulate her on social media and ask what we did and she couldn't answer. No pictures, no story to tell, no event to brag about. It's been that way ever since. I don't celebrate anything that has to do with her and/or our relationship. She used to be constantly Facebooking and Instagramming the things we did together before that. Now she's pretty much been running silent for more than 3 years. Everybody knows now what a sham our marriage was and knows that it's in the terminal stages. I think most of her family and friends think I'm a giant asshole, now. But you know what has two thumbs and don't give a FUUUUCKKKKK?!? This guy!
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Post by workingonit on Aug 15, 2018 22:19:37 GMT -5
No. Not since after our 19th. Up until that point, I was a devoted, loving husband and made a pretty big deal of our anniversaries. She used to humblebrag about them on Facebook to friends and family. Bullshit like, "How did I end up with such a wonderful, loving husband?...blah, blah, blah" and pictures of the places we went to celebrate and affectionate demonstrations for the camera. Of course, that was all show, since that affection stopped once there weren't any pictures being taken, especially in the bedroom. Sometime after our 19th anniversary, I had one of those "moments of clarity" where I realized that our marriage was a sham and that I was pretty much carrying all the load in our marriage. I took off my wedding ring for good, stopped any displays of affection that I didn't feel anymore, and basically checked out of the marriage. Our 20th was coming up and I know friends and family were expecting big things from me regarding this milestone. I think she knew something was up and I guess she tried to recruit her cousin to talk with me and plan something big for that special anniversary since she realized I wasn't. That did not go over well, to say the least. Our 20th came and went, and I know she was mortified when people would congratulate her on social media and ask what we did and she couldn't answer. No pictures, no story to tell, no event to brag about. It's been that way ever since. I don't celebrate anything that has to do with her and/or our relationship. She used to be constantly Facebooking and Instagramming the things we did together before that. Now she's pretty much been running silent for more than 3 years. Everybody knows now what a sham our marriage was and knows that it's in the terminal stages. I think most of her family and friends think I'm a giant asshole, now. But you know what has two thumbs and don't give a FUUUUCKKKKK?!? This guy! Friend, what are you doing to actively manage your anger? I know I have found my anger fuels my empowerment, is part of my growth, and helps me find the energy to continue on my forward trajectory. But the anger makes me bitter and cynical and .... angry. Not happy. Not really alive. Just a bitter shell. In some ways allowing the anger to consume me gives him even more power over me. It is STILL all about him! True moving forward means I feel a whole range of emotions toward him. But I also feel that whatever I am feeling about him is not my core anymore. I humbly suggest that your consuming anger is not healthy for you. It also continues to give her the power as the deciding factor in who you are. Take back that power. Get out of this dead relationship. Decide who you are and how you want to be. Bitter and angry may not actually suit you. My sense is that it does not based on things you have shared. Sending positive thoughts in your direction!
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Aug 15, 2018 23:19:29 GMT -5
No. Not since after our 19th. Up until that point, I was a devoted, loving husband and made a pretty big deal of our anniversaries. She used to humblebrag about them on Facebook to friends and family. Bullshit like, "How did I end up with such a wonderful, loving husband?...blah, blah, blah" and pictures of the places we went to celebrate and affectionate demonstrations for the camera. Of course, that was all show, since that affection stopped once there weren't any pictures being taken, especially in the bedroom. Sometime after our 19th anniversary, I had one of those "moments of clarity" where I realized that our marriage was a sham and that I was pretty much carrying all the load in our marriage. I took off my wedding ring for good, stopped any displays of affection that I didn't feel anymore, and basically checked out of the marriage. Our 20th was coming up and I know friends and family were expecting big things from me regarding this milestone. I think she knew something was up and I guess she tried to recruit her cousin to talk with me and plan something big for that special anniversary since she realized I wasn't. That did not go over well, to say the least. Our 20th came and went, and I know she was mortified when people would congratulate her on social media and ask what we did and she couldn't answer. No pictures, no story to tell, no event to brag about. It's been that way ever since. I don't celebrate anything that has to do with her and/or our relationship. She used to be constantly Facebooking and Instagramming the things we did together before that. Now she's pretty much been running silent for more than 3 years. Everybody knows now what a sham our marriage was and knows that it's in the terminal stages. I think most of her family and friends think I'm a giant asshole, now. But you know what has two thumbs and don't give a FUUUUCKKKKK?!? This guy! Friend, what are you doing to actively manage your anger? I know I have found my anger fuels my empowerment, is part of my growth, and helps me find the energy to continue on my forward trajectory. But the anger makes me bitter and cynical and .... angry. Not happy. Not really alive. Just a bitter shell. In some ways allowing the anger to consume me gives him even more power over me. It is STILL all about him! True moving forward means I feel a whole range of emotions toward him. But I also feel that whatever I am feeling about him is not my core anymore. I humbly suggest that your consuming anger is not healthy for you. It also continues to give her the power as the deciding factor in who you are. Take back that power. Get out of this dead relationship. Decide who you are and how you want to be. Bitter and angry may not actually suit you. My sense is that it does not based on things you have shared. Sending positive thoughts in your direction! I'm currently in therapy, having started a few weeks back. Given that I'm still very early in the process, we haven't made much progress in managing my occasional outbursts of rage, which is my major issue. But the introspection is good and I feel like I've learned some things about myself. I'm also about to GTFO of my marriage. I'm moving out to a new place as part of the pre-divorce separation required in my state. I hate how it is affecting my young children, but I'm also excited and hopeful and happier than I've been in years. My therapist believes that the separation will go a long way toward reducing the seething anger and resentment I feel everyday.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 16, 2018 0:05:43 GMT -5
My last anniversary, I bought her flowers and her favorite chocolate, and took her out for a nice dinner. The result was that I got snubbed. Absolutely nothing. I retreated to my room and talked on the phone with the woman that became my affair partner.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 16, 2018 7:56:53 GMT -5
My anniversary gift this year was H moving out of the house into an apartment! Honestly, we both laughed about it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 16, 2018 11:18:56 GMT -5
Another view from oppositland. My first ' wedding anniversary' after the D is in a few weeks. Part of me would like to treat it as any other day, instead I want to help myself heal more and more.
I asked my newfound lover, " pardon my boldness, I know we have just gotten started and who knows what can happen in a few weeks, but my anniversary is coming up, I would love to spend it with you!"
She said " OOHH You want to put your mind on other things? I don't usually make those kind of plans that far in advance."
I told her," I'll have the house all to myself and it's during the middle of the week. How about you pencil me in for now?"
She said " I'll do that".
To the brave and the bold, go the prize.
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Post by MarianCali on Aug 16, 2018 12:44:45 GMT -5
Do - or don't do - what you like Sister MarianCali . Either way, it won't have any effect on the trajectory your relationship is on. So it's probably not worth devoting much time and/or energy in to. I think I'll get him something small and go out for dinner because I really don't want to cook. It's not completely dead (yet) and I'm holding on by a thread. So I should put in some effort maybe not my usual but a little something something.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 16, 2018 14:51:18 GMT -5
Do - or don't do - what you like Sister MarianCali . Either way, it won't have any effect on the trajectory your relationship is on. So it's probably not worth devoting much time and/or energy in to. I think I'll get him something small and go out for dinner because I really don't want to cook. It's not completely dead (yet) and I'm holding on by a thread. So I should put in some effort maybe not my usual but a little something something. So are you saying that you will settle for as little as possible just to go through the motions, to keep the peace, because it's with him? What would you want your wedding anniversary to be like with the right person, here and now?
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