Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 25, 2019 8:22:23 GMT -5
@ solodriver Sad to hear you got set back years but it might make you feel better to know my exit plan was 5 years it took a little longer but I'm out and happy I started with a consultation through work with a debt counselor that took 5 years to clear up 20k in credit card debt. While I was doing that I built savings and paid off bills starting with smallest one first. Then used that money to add to the next smallest bill. And while living as room mates I taught him to be self sufficient and I did things I enjoyed without him. I was also out sourcing but that's a different story. Best of luck to you!
angeleyes65 thank you for your response. Your situation is almost exactly what I'm looking at, except I have 3 years, $30k in credit card debt, 2 mortgages and a car payment.
Maybe a Financial Planner needs to be brought into play here Brother solodriver .
If interest rates are anything like those that apply to credit cards in my jurisdiction, the interest bill would be running to about $ 500 per month or $6,000 per year and on minimum payments only it would take until about 2040 to clear them.
With two mortgages and the card debt, you are really working for your creditors, not yourself.
Who's been running the finances in your deal up to this point ?
Could a case be made for relieving them of that responsibility, and if necessary, engaging a Financial Planner and following their advice ?
Post by solodriver on Aug 11, 2019 18:20:31 GMT -5
We agreed back in July that we were living as roommates and that I was going to honor that part of our relationship fully. She also agreed that was our situation. Since that time, we haven't had but one or two arguments and it's actually more peaceful in the house. I take care of my own meals and she takes care of her's. I quit cleaning up behind her messes and I no longer do her laundry (she never did mine). And we agreed (for now anyway) to meet each week to discuss our finances and what bills to pay. If in the future that should break down, I have a level of escalation that will take place up bankruptcy. I am detached emotionally from her. It's a fine line to walk if she is having any kind of medical issues but she is an adult and she needs to deal with her medical issues. I'm not uncaring or unsympathic but I won't get involved unless it's an emergency now.
We don't do anything together anymore such as watch TV (we weren't doing that anyway). She no longer has any say in my sexual choices or behavior. But at this point, there is really nothing else I can do until our finances are in better shape. I haven't discussed separation or divorce yet because when I do, it will be happening, not a threat and right now it would be a threat that she could consider non-credible because I may be stuck in this situation for another year, unless something dramatically changes. Because of my detachment, it has helped me clearly and emotionally realize that I'm making the right decision when the time comes.
In the meantime, I'm beginning to wonder if I should just give up hope on any chance of attracting another woman romantically and/or sexually into my life.
Last Edit: Aug 11, 2019 18:21:41 GMT -5 by solodriver
It’s hard to continue to love someone romantically who doesn’t love you back in the way you need to feel like a whole person.
solodriver, not to be a broken record, but I’d be really uneasy staying financially bonded to someone once the plan is known (especially since debt is what has you stuck). At this point, you’re on the hook for half of any new debt she incurs by default.
(Pessimistically, each of you is paying for half of what the other person buys... that’s an invitation for irresponsible behavior, and you’d have to argue that certain new debt shouldn’t be shared. And creditors won’t care whether the court agrees with you.)
I know you’ve talked to a lawyer about your financial situation. Did you ask about how to manage your risk exposure during the time you’re digging out? (I.e., timing of a legal separation)
Also, are you jointly paying off a car that just one of you will benefit from?
Last Edit: Aug 11, 2019 19:27:10 GMT -5 by DryCreek
The key cause for optimism, solodriver, is that you are accepting the logic (i.e. the truth) of your situation and proceeding with caution based on that logic. This is the opposite of living a lie and so is a critically important step on the road to happiness.
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
solodriver: Thanks warmways
Oct 30, 2019 23:36:15 GMT -5
RealMustangGuy: When using a member's username in a post, how does one get it to be in different color and work as a link? I can type in the name but after posting it doesn't look the same as when others use member's usernames in their posts.
Nov 2, 2019 11:37:25 GMT -5
bfar: Just stumbled on this article:https://masculinebydesign.com/sexless-marriage-is-symptomatic-of-emasculated-husbands/ was more than a little disconcerting. Are we digging ourselves further in the hole by trying to be all enlightened and sensitive?
Nov 3, 2019 13:46:42 GMT -5
petrushka: Mate, what's the alternative to all enlightened and sensitive here? Rape? Coercion? Sexual assault? Thanks, but I can do better than being a complete arsehole (or psychopath for that matter).
Nov 3, 2019 21:11:53 GMT -5
bfar: Petrushka... I'm just wondering if we shot ourselves in the foot, as it were, by giving giving up on our strength, and giving in to the feminist agenda of making men irrelevant.
Nov 5, 2019 11:30:21 GMT -5
petrushka: Sorry, I don't buy into that at all. I'm not giving up anything. I've been into the "feminist agenda" for nearly 60 years. Having an empowered partner empowers me. I want strong women around me who take responsibility for themselves and who can face me
Nov 5, 2019 17:20:16 GMT -5
petrushka: I see 'strong men', and controlling bullies, as basically weak, lacking confidence and self esteem -- hence they think they need to assert themselves that way. I loathe patriarchy as much as matriarchy. Partners should be equals.
Nov 5, 2019 17:24:43 GMT -5
petrushka: In my world view, you are buying into some really shitty memes there.
Nov 5, 2019 17:25:20 GMT -5
apocrypha: The "feminist agenda" has changed across the past 60 years. Some feminists of the 60's call the current iteration "fainting couch feminism", thinking it a subversion and betrayal of women's lib. Hard to get a bead on what folks think, using a broad label.
Nov 8, 2019 9:37:14 GMT -5
apocrypha: No aspect of that article (which I amount to a magazine offering bad diet advice) promotes rape, coercion (beyond seduction), sexual assault, and I don't understand your public performance suggesting that they would be and thus implicating bfar.
Nov 8, 2019 9:41:51 GMT -5
mirrororchid: pfar, being sensitive means understanding how others think and feel. It doesn't mean you are compelled to adopt their thoughts and feelings. This is a matter of understanding people including loved ones. If you aren't sensitive, you lack tools to
Nov 11, 2019 8:09:49 GMT -5
mirrororchid: live well. You need not soften, but you should be able to understand vulnerability. Recognizing others' distress provides me with cues when I need to use self-control or extend help. If you're strong, you should be helping others. Use what works.
Nov 11, 2019 8:14:06 GMT -5
worksforme2: You know who I miss ...I miss smartkat and andie..and snowman 12345
Nov 14, 2019 9:16:44 GMT -5