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Post by DryCreek on Jul 20, 2019 22:40:51 GMT -5
solodriver, I realize your post was a checkpoint, and thanks for the update. Just a word of thought for your consideration... legal financial separation, divorce, and selling the property / moving are separate events. You can take several smaller bites toward the goal. Declaring a financial separation could be important sooner than later, especially since your issues are heavily financial, by unhooking each of you from the other’s financial behavior. This should be an inexpensive process; it doesn’t deal with splitting assets, it just publicly declares that future debts are not community property. Say, a car wreck that triggers a lawsuit, a gambling addiction, or a shopping binge.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 20, 2019 23:05:41 GMT -5
I hate this update!! You sound so down and hopeless. I refuse to believe there is no love and intimacy in your future. If your house sale would civer your debts can you both just walk away? Surely you can stay with friends for a few months until you can rent? Not ideal but I think staying with her in your life will prevent the movement and growth you have fought so hard for.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 21, 2019 3:26:06 GMT -5
I hate this update!! You sound so down and hopeless. I refuse to believe there is no love and intimacy in your future. If your house sale would civer your debts can you both just walk away? Surely you can stay with friends for a few months until you can rent? Not ideal but I think staying with her in your life will prevent the movement and growth you have fought so hard for. I'm with you, jen. Poverty would be preferable to staying in this morass. It's pointless.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 21, 2019 10:56:05 GMT -5
Sadly our stories are identical, minus the debt. However my manipulative controlling ex did everything possible to keep /hide money. ( our legal system did play to my favor)
Your testimony is another tipping point. As hard as it is....try to (eventually) be thankful for trials and tribulations.
Thankful: The truth continues to be exposed. You are no longer bound or deceived by this woman. You have your own self worth, and a new sense of starting over. Remember that rejection and hurt are always an assignment to end your God dream. The plan of an enemy is always a lie. People will laugh at you, hate you, and lie to you. However ,NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST YOU shall prosper!
Remember who you are and whose you are. ( hurt and rejection are used to steal your identity)
Continue to rise above hurt and rejection by genuinely caring for others. Why do you look so sad? Hurt and rejection makes you think about yourself. Seek to serve others even in your season of rejection. That doesn't mean you don't want out of it! Quite the contrary! Instead give to others that will give back to you! Start taking! ( no more Mr. Nice Guy!) Imagine what giving a hug to a woman, and receiving double the hugs back, would do for you? How long an ego boost like that would last for you? You have to make it happen.
You still have your employment. You have your health. You are a giver, not a %100 taker. You care about right from wrong and walk the walk, not just false words and deception.
You and I are close in age ,I have since met other woman who say the complete opposite about age and menopause. Instead they claim their sex drive increased after it. Your W has problems. Problems she refuses to face . ( you are spot on with the DARVO) No longer your monkeys. Not your circus. Be thankful not hopeless. Look back a bit on how far you have advanced! Don't let her take that from you any more!
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Post by solodriver on Jul 21, 2019 14:28:18 GMT -5
Thank you so much for those words of encouragement GC. After my attorney consult I felt bitterly discouraged. It took me sometime to snap out of it, face my reality and try to make the best of it. Separation and divorce are still the goal, but it's just going to take longer and I have just got to try and be patient a bit longer. But in the meantime, I'm living my truth and am not going to pretend or allow her to pretend that everything is just great. I anticipate some very tough days ahead. But I'm pressing forward.
There is one other option, which is the "nuclear option" (bankruptcy). But it is a last resort because I will probably never recover from that.
My goal is to find love, intimacy and happiness. I don't believe for one minute a woman is going to find a homeless man with very little to no money attractive. So that's why I'm hanging on, saving money the best I can and paying my debts down. After all, I did contribute to this problem as well.
I have also taken responsibility that I should have done something about the SM 20 years ago and not ignored it or hoped it would get better. I've taken and swallowed that bitter pill. I hope my story serves as a WARNING to those who read it and are in a SM to do something NOW. Don't let it go any further or years. It could potentially doom you to stay in it because you have no escape or escape becomes more and more difficult as years go by.
For now, I wake up and put one foot in front of the other. It's all I can do.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 21, 2019 14:59:07 GMT -5
All may not be as bad as it seems solodriver. My oldest son had to declare bankruptcy roughly 9 months ago. He was able to utilize a debt counseling service that walked him through the process. They were able to outline the steps needed to avoid being totally wiped out, things like getting new credit cards prior to the bankruptcy so the old maxed out cards could be cancelled along with their debt, yet he still had access to credit avenues. He also purchased a new truck, while allowing the current vehicles that were worth less than the loans on them to go back to the dealers. He is using the credit cards judiciously to rebuild his credit. His score is already back up to the high 600's. A couple more years and it will be as if it never happened. So there are avenues other than the prospect of oblivion. I would recommend you research "debt counseling". There may even be a county office funded by the government in your area, so it might be free. There are probably a couple people on this forum that could point you in the right direction. It's always darkest before the dawn. Don't give up, never surrender !!!
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Post by solodriver on Jul 21, 2019 18:16:44 GMT -5
Thanks worksforme2. I have considered that as well and may end up going that way. That was good for me to read. I'm not giving up or surrendering. I will keep what you shared in mind.
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Post by warmways on Jul 22, 2019 17:04:20 GMT -5
Hi solodriver You’ve taken a huge step for yourself by telling her everything and speaking your truth. Of course, the next stages will be a roller coaster but you’re going to get to a better place no matter how rough it gets and you’ll be lifted in knowing you’re on the path towards freedom from suffering. And I agree with worksforme2 in that sometimes bankruptcy can be a necessary step depending on the situation. A friend of mine had to do it but it was the best thing for her.
Congratulations on setting the boundary with your refuser.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 22, 2019 18:07:28 GMT -5
Its difficult to hear you predicament. I will be a little harsher than others though. I think in your situation, it is counter productive to have the goal of "finding love, intimacy, and happiness" Work on yourself first so that you can give "love, intimacy, and happiness" a chance. Figure out your financial situation. Find happiness and fulfillment within. That is, dont depend on someone liking you to have fulfillment. Women can see through that. Its unnattractive. Set little goals that are reachable. Lose weight. Eat better. Save 5% or more. Take up a hobby. Fill your social calendar. What makes you interesting? Do that more. Before you know it, you will be a new you. But put the work in. Its not easy. But ask yourself if you are worth it. Thank you so much for those words of encouragement GC. After my attorney consult I felt bitterly discouraged. It took me sometime to snap out of it, face my reality and try to make the best of it. Separation and divorce are still the goal, but it's just going to take longer and I have just got to try and be patient a bit longer. But in the meantime, I'm living my truth and am not going to pretend or allow her to pretend that everything is just great. I anticipate some very tough days ahead. But I'm pressing forward. There is one other option, which is the "nuclear option" (bankruptcy). But it is a last resort because I will probably never recover from that. My goal is to find love, intimacy and happiness. I don't believe for one minute a woman is going to find a homeless man with very little to no money attractive. So that's why I'm hanging on, saving money the best I can and paying my debts down. After all, I did contribute to this problem as well. I have also taken responsibility that I should have done something about the SM 20 years ago and not ignored it or hoped it would get better. I've taken and swallowed that bitter pill. I hope my story serves as a WARNING to those who read it and are in a SM to do something NOW. Don't let it go any further or years. It could potentially doom you to stay in it because you have no escape or escape becomes more and more difficult as years go by. For now, I wake up and put one foot in front of the other. It's all I can do.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 22, 2019 19:17:06 GMT -5
solodriver All is not lost. Look at this as a re-birth. I don't remember what you do or how you make your money but making a living is still in the cards. I went bankrupt and it was not as bad as you think. Remember the judges/trusties that run the court get paid a percentage of funds that are recovered. Sell your house take the money or at least payback the debt. Go bankrupt and understand that it is legal and there for a reason. Trust me it will be a release after you get past the sad part. Think about how much you spend on debt, that is gone. If you want to keep a loan you may. Unless you have something of large worth then they don't want it and the banks just want to get paid. We kept our house and our car because they really had no real worth and the mortgage company and bank wanted us to keep paying on the note..... If you don't want the loan you can default and turn in the collateral. It sucks because I had a horrible personal issue with it... I lost my business and defaulted on the business debt. I had hardly any personal debt. (damn should have bought a nice TV or Stereo. jk) It was amazing how much credit we were offered afterwards because you can't go bankrupt but every 7 years so they are more than happy to let you get back into paying them.... Your health and mental health are way more important!
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Post by solodriver on Jul 22, 2019 20:26:33 GMT -5
Hi solodriver You’ve taken a huge step for yourself by telling her everything and speaking your truth. Of course, the next stages will be a roller coaster but you’re going to get to a better place no matter how rough it gets and you’ll be lifted in knowing you’re on the path towards freedom from suffering. And I agree with worksforme2 in that sometimes bankruptcy can be a necessary step depending on the situation. A friend of mine had to do it but it was the best thing for her. Congratulations on setting the boundary with your refuser. Thanks warmways,
I appreciate your encouragement.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 22, 2019 20:29:41 GMT -5
Its difficult to hear you predicament. I will be a little harsher than others though. I think in your situation, it is counter productive to have the goal of "finding love, intimacy, and happiness" Work on yourself first so that you can give "love, intimacy, and happiness" a chance. Figure out your financial situation. Find happiness and fulfillment within. That is, dont depend on someone liking you to have fulfillment. Women can see through that. Its unnattractive. Set little goals that are reachable. Lose weight. Eat better. Save 5% or more. Take up a hobby. Fill your social calendar. What makes you interesting? Do that more. Before you know it, you will be a new you. But put the work in. Its not easy. But ask yourself if you are worth it. Thanks for your thou8ghts. You're probably right, all I have is me.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 22, 2019 20:31:18 GMT -5
solodriver All is not lost. Look at this as a re-birth. I don't remember what you do or how you make your money but making a living is still in the cards. I went bankrupt and it was not as bad as you think. Remember the judges/trusties that run the court get paid a percentage of funds that are recovered. Sell your house take the money or at least payback the debt. Go bankrupt and understand that it is legal and there for a reason. Trust me it will be a release after you get past the sad part. Think about how much you spend on debt, that is gone. If you want to keep a loan you may. Unless you have something of large worth then they don't want it and the banks just want to get paid. We kept our house and our car because they really had no real worth and the mortgage company and bank wanted us to keep paying on the note..... If you don't want the loan you can default and turn in the collateral. It sucks because I had a horrible personal issue with it... I lost my business and defaulted on the business debt. I had hardly any personal debt. (damn should have bought a nice TV or Stereo. jk) It was amazing how much credit we were offered afterwards because you can't go bankrupt but every 7 years so they are more than happy to let you get back into paying them.... Your health and mental health are way more important! Thanks okiedude. It's encouraging to hear what others have experienced.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 22, 2019 21:20:10 GMT -5
okiedude is correct in mentioning new lines of credit. After my son's bankruptcy was official and accepted by the courts it wasn't long before offers for new cards started coming in. Baring a catastrophic illness you have probably 15-20yrs ahead of you easily, maybe more. Rebuilding your financial health is very doable. And don't sweat female prospects demanding to see your credit score or asset ledger. Of the women I have dated and bedded since my divorce not one of them has ask to look at my checkbook or IRA balance statement. You will be OK when you get to the end.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 22, 2019 21:56:10 GMT -5
solodriver You have the ILIASM community rooting for you. But at the end of the day, each and every one of us is responsible for sorting out our shit. So get going with the heavy lifting. Start thinking more about yourself, your wants, your needs outside the relationship. Then go sort that shit out.
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