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Post by Dan on Aug 6, 2018 19:21:04 GMT -5
I was just checking out a few SM links on various sites... one of which linked to this book, now available on Amazon. The title (before the colon) sounded promising, but the the train went ENTIRELY OFF THE TRACKS at the subtitle (after the colon). Escaping The Sexless Marriage: A Practical Manual to Bring Back Intimacy and Trust into a Passive Aggressive Marriage
Anyone willing to read the book and give us a fair review? Maybe -- just maybe -- I'm being a bit harsh. Maybe the book has something to offer. But the way I see it: - the chance of turning around a long-term SM is very low
- the chance of turning around a long-term passive agressive spouse is very low
- the idea that it is the affected spouse's job rubs me the wrong way
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Post by baza on Aug 6, 2018 19:44:01 GMT -5
I'm not volunteering, but I will make this observation "generally" about these sorts of publications...
They are all valuable, and potentially add to your knowledge base. Of course what you might derive from the book of "Nora Femenia" (is that a cooked up name do you think ?) is that she is completely clueless and has no idea. That is perfectly valid knowledge to pick up. But usually, even in the worst of these type of publications there is the odd nugget of wisdom. A bit of a google suggests that "Nora"is NOT averse to the idea of getting out, if your deal is a complete fuck up.
So I am inclined to the view - "read it, as you might learn something of value". It's a lot like this group - "join it, take from it what you find useful, leave the rest".
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Post by elkclan2 on Aug 7, 2018 4:39:28 GMT -5
Michelle Weiner Davis (or something like that) wrote a book called the 'Sex Starved Wife' - basically it was don't put pressure, clean and tidy more, don't ask him for anything - nothing, not for sex, not for help around the house, not for childcare. Basically it was a refuser's manual. I was so desperate I actually tried it. What happened? When I realised it was bullshit and stopped being a doormat, he got even angrier and aggressive because he'd got so comfortable with the 'good life'.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2018 7:51:46 GMT -5
I believe that these self-help fixes are only useful when both partners have the ability to be accountable for their part in it. I think even the best of us can temporarily become defensive and stubborn, but we eventually come around and are able to act as a loving partner again. This book is for those marriages: where 2 can be accountable.
However, as we often say, by the time someone is googling SM, trouble is afoot, and the person looking for answers has tried all the simple fixes, talked until blue in the face, attempting to get their partner on board to no avail. That would apply to most of us here on the boards. And when only one person wants to fix a marriage, there isn’t much fixing that can be done.
I think that we either accept our partners, and the amount of sex they want, exactly as they are, or we leave. It’s as simple (and yet as complicated) as that.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2018 8:11:17 GMT -5
I believe that these self-help fixes are only useful when both partners have the ability to be accountable for their part in it. I think even the best of us can temporarily become defensive and stubborn, but we eventually come around and are able to act as a loving partner again. This book is for those marriages: where 2 can be accountable. However, as we often say, by the time someone is googling SM, trouble is afoot, and the person looking for answers has tried all the simple fixes, talked until blue in the face, attempting to get their partner on board to no avail. That would apply to most of us here on the boards. And when only one person wants to fix a marriage, there isn’t much fixing that can be done. I think that we either accept our partners, and the amount of sex they want, exactly as they are, or we leave. It’s as simple (and yet as complicated) as that. Before accountable comes willingness. Willingness starts with willingness to listen and then willingness to change for the betterment of the marriage. I'd offer that many of the partners of those on this site spectacularly trip over even that lowest of bars. Hell, for the last decade of my marriage my own willingness was in increasingly short supply. And then one day it was gone.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 7, 2018 8:47:44 GMT -5
Michelle Weiner Davis (or something like that) wrote a book called the 'Sex Starved Wife' - basically it was don't put pressure, clean and tidy more, don't ask him for anything - nothing, not for sex, not for help around the house, not for childcare. Basically it was a refuser's manual. I was so desperate I actually tried it. What happened? When I realised it was bullshit and stopped being a doormat, he got even angrier and aggressive because he'd got so comfortable with the 'good life'. The name is correct. I have posted some of Mrs davis's videos before. I have not read this book. It does sound like other advice I have read pertaining to detachment. Once you have reached the stages of posting on ILIASM detachment is divorce. (there is no cooperation from someone who has gotten comfortable with the 'good life' or having things there way always.). At this stage in the game many of us are Refusing to be the victim to a refuser, to stop giving and start receiving. My now ex claimed she detached herself from me over 4 yrs. ago. The bad part was (like your H) she was already so hung up on everyone accepting her BS and being her doormat that the detachment was a relief for me! My son is now going through the same thing with his bipolar diagnosis. he told the doctor yesterday, " I argue with my mother a lot, she is very controlling, I don't want to be around her, she has started to leave me alone and we get along better". I'm sure none of that registered with her.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 7, 2018 13:42:33 GMT -5
Maybe the book can be helpful for a young marriage that has recently gone sexless. I think once a marriage is long term sexless the refused need to accept that sex with the refuser will never meet their needs.
Of course the purchase of the book can provide some resolution to the marriage:
Step 1 - Buy Book Step 2 - Ask refuser to read it Step 3 - Realize that if the refuser won’t even read a book to improve the SM then there is no way they will want to have sex with you. Step 4 - Decide what is best for YOU!
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Post by Dan on Aug 7, 2018 14:08:30 GMT -5
Step 3 - Realize that if the refuser won’t even read a book to improve the SM then there is no way they will want to have sex with you. That is kind of my point. I'm imagining this exchange: Refused spouse: "Honey, I'd like you to read this book so we can then discuss how to get trust and intimacy back in to our marriage" What the passive-aggressive spouse says: "Sure." What the passive-aggressive spouse does: Puts it on the nightstand, never to be touched -- or mentioned -- again.
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Post by mackowitz on Aug 7, 2018 15:21:49 GMT -5
It's available free on Kindle Unlimited, so I might give it a look. In my deal, wife has told me she always says no because she doesn't like sex. Bringing back intimacy and trust don't seem to have anything to do with that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 7, 2018 15:33:42 GMT -5
It's available free on Kindle Unlimited, so I might give it a look. In my deal, wife has told me she always says no because she doesn't like sex. Bringing back intimacy and trust don't seem to have anything to do with that. I'm going to assume that there was trust and intimacy before the marriage, or it would not have happened. Saying "I do" does not give them the automatic right to then say " I don't and you have to accept that because we are now married".
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Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2018 17:13:16 GMT -5
It's available free on Kindle Unlimited, so I might give it a look. In my deal, wife has told me she always says no because she doesn't like sex. Bringing back intimacy and trust don't seem to have anything to do with that. I'm going to assume that there was trust and intimacy before the marriage, or it would not have happened. Saying "I do" does not give them the automatic right to then say " I don't and you have to accept that because we are now married". Actually it kind of does. Unless you want to end the marriage.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 7, 2018 17:27:15 GMT -5
I'm going to assume that there was trust and intimacy before the marriage, or it would not have happened. Saying "I do" does not give them the automatic right to then say " I don't and you have to accept that because we are now married". Actually it kind of does. Unless you want to end the marriage. Okay. So you stand up for yourself, man or woman, and you end the marriage. Sadly that is not the way we were raised to think,and act.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2018 17:36:12 GMT -5
Actually it kind of does. Unless you want to end the marriage. Okay. So you stand up for yourself, man or woman, and you end the marriage. Sadly that is not the way we were raised to think,and act. True
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Post by theexplorer on Aug 17, 2018 11:32:01 GMT -5
I have NOT read this book. I did buy another book about sex in marriage. My wife refused to even, literally, touch that book!! I attempted to hand the book to her and she crossed her arms and refused to take the book from my hand!!
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 17, 2018 12:45:02 GMT -5
theexplorer, this is an edited cover. Put this on the front of the book you gave her to disguise it, just like she disguised herself when presenting herself to you.
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