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Post by bballgirl on Aug 2, 2018 8:33:27 GMT -5
I think on just a personal level, ask yourself: “How does he make my life better”?
Really in a nutshell the answer to that question tells you what you should do.
One of my mantras is that I will not have people in my life that do not make it better.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 2, 2018 8:54:10 GMT -5
So your boat has a big hole in it. You have been bailing water out alone for a year now, with no help. You have finally decided to put on the life jacket and jump off, hoping to be rescued.
You are going to discover a couple of things. 1) Two or three of your neighboring sailors immediately come to your rescue, pull you up onto their boat and ask" why did you wait so long? Here's my repairman's number, you should have asked for help sooner".
2) Your neighboring sailors are going to come to your rescue pull you up onto their boat and say," it's going to be okay, my boat did the same thing years ago, I bought a different one,it's much more sturdy".
I saw a recent PEW poll showing that divorce is on a huge rise in the baby boom generation, (ages 50 and over)
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Post by sadkat on Aug 2, 2018 9:56:28 GMT -5
Yes- I know that and I’ve made so many threats over the past 20 years that my credibility is shot to hell! I have a reference for a lawyer- just trying to make the call- I’m a coward and can’t seem to take that step. Not sure what I am afraid of. I know I want out and certainly don’t feel any desire for my husband after all this time so what the hell is holding me back? So many times the first step is ALWAYS the hardest and the scariest! No matter how small that first step is. I was so scared to make that phone call! Day after day I looked at my phone.....I waited. Eventually I made the call. So many of my fears turned out to be false and ended up being mild concerns. Attorneys are very well aware of your fears and most will do an extremely good job of calming you down, relieving your stress, and you will leave with a new level of comfort and many well answered questions. My 2 cents- You need a female friend, 2 or 3 to be your support network. Ask your close friend to go to the attorneys office with you for support, or even to be next to you when you make the call. Then take them out for lunch. If you don't quit you can't lose. If you never ask, you will never know. Stop giving and start receiving. You deserve it. Receiving is a good thing! You are then giving others an opportunity to receive the benefits of giving by asking for help. Don't let pride get in your way. We all stumble and need help from time to time. This will also be a life lesson for you, teaching you the importance in communicating, be open with another individual, transparent, submissive and vulnerable. It will actually make you stronger for your future endeavors. Be bold. Set a deadline, wright it down, re read your posts to yourself. You can do this! Thank you! One of my big issues is that I don’t have many close friends locally anymore. I’ve been too focused on my husband and didn’t want to make waves by telling him I wanted to spend time with friends. My perception was that he wouldn’t like it and I was happy to avoid the conflict. I’m already learning a lot about myself and the mistakes I’ve made by reading these posts! This is good advice and I will reach out to old friends for support.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 2, 2018 10:14:04 GMT -5
My two cents: porn "feels" like the problem... but if you placed ANYTHING in this blank: ... you'd still have the same problem. Examples: "watching sports", "playing video games", "golfing", "working", "drinking". Sure, he's avoiding sex with you; is his activity of what he's doing when he's not with you that relevant? I'm not sure what you were expecting when you said "you're not touching me enough; I want to leave the marriage". Did you expect that announcement alone would get him to suddenly develop the interest and talents to be a generous lover? So well said @dan! I'd like to add on to this. Early in my marriage my W would have sex with me once a week. I desired and needed 3 to 5 times a week. That's a 75% decrees. What do you think filled that gap? Porn. Small quantity, One scene or picture, enough to get the job done. Did i try for more sex and intimacy with my Wife by communicating my needs ? Yes. I went through the whole bacon scented candles, kissing, touching, massaging, undressing, music, dinners, movies, date nights, extra chores, having multiple children, doing most all of the child raising,etc... being a real "yes dear". Did I expect all that to communicate to her that she needs to be much more of a lover? Yes i did. Her take on it, "well you view porn, so I won't be with you. Whatever you do is not my way and will never be correct". A very handy crutch for her to hide her own fears and problems behind. It would never matter how long I went without viewing anything, the lack of sex and the excuses on her part grew stronger and stronger. My WIFE was the problem, not the porn. Our sex life -after the last child was born- dropped to A hand job once a year for 10 yrs, and then one fake reset between 5 yrs. of nothing. Then there is the part about past lovers who where, -as other ladies have said- much more all about sex, but had a world of other problems. Instead i married someone who was more "safe and stable". Had I known it would mean manipulative controller and 20+ years of a loveless, SM, I would have made another choice. I understand what you are saying but that was not my reality. Sex stopped for me when I got pregnant and not by my choice. He never touched me sexually again. How is that my fault? For many years I begged, threw out ultimatums, cried my eyes out- you name it for a little affection. He ignored my pleas in favor of porn. Yes, we had other issues in our relationship and early on I tried to talk to him about needing more affection and intimacy in my life. He would give me reasons for why he didn’t feel like giving me affection and I tried very hard to be the person he wanted me to be just so he would have sex with me. It never happened. So now I’m a shell of the person I used to be, don’t have any idea who I am anymore, and trying to break out of this rut. You’re trying to tell me it’s not porn??? I beg to differ.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 2, 2018 10:52:31 GMT -5
“Thank you! One of my big issues is that I don’t have many close friends locally anymore. I’ve been too focused on my husband and didn’t want to make waves by telling him I wanted to spend time with friends. My perception was that he wouldn’t like it and I was happy to avoid the conflict. I’m already learning a lot about myself and the mistakes I’ve made by reading these posts! This is good advice and I will reach out to old friends for support.”
I bet you are just noticing the tip of the iceberg where you have been focusing on your husband and possibly also your child and ignoring the needs of your authentic self. It is likely you have been contorting yourself to fit a husband who is not a good match for you. You felt your bio clock ticking and he was the best available then.
It is not only possible but also advisable to pursue some of your own interests while child rearing. Being more compassionate with meeting one’s own needs also gives one more grace to meet the stresses of life including stresses that come with being a parent.
If there are meetups that interest you in your area, that could be something to pursue without your h or child. People who go usually are looking to make new friends.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 2, 2018 10:57:43 GMT -5
“So now I’m a shell of the person I used to be, don’t have any idea who I am anymore, and trying to break out of this rut. You’re trying to tell me it’s not porn??? I beg to differ.”
Your h has an addiction. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control or stop it. Unless he decides to change, he won’t. All you can do is take actions under your control that would allow you a happier life. That could be leaving your husband, remaining married but outsourcing or finding a way to be happy while celibate in a sm.
I think if you google you can find online groups for spouses of sex addicts. Hearing others’ stories and coping methods might help you stop blaming yourself. It also may help you figure out what you can do to be happier.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 2, 2018 11:13:21 GMT -5
So well said @dan! I'd like to add on to this. Early in my marriage my W would have sex with me once a week. I desired and needed 3 to 5 times a week. That's a 75% decrees. What do you think filled that gap? Porn. Small quantity, One scene or picture, enough to get the job done. Did i try for more sex and intimacy with my Wife by communicating my needs ? Yes. I went through the whole bacon scented candles, kissing, touching, massaging, undressing, music, dinners, movies, date nights, extra chores, having multiple children, doing most all of the child raising,etc... being a real "yes dear". Did I expect all that to communicate to her that she needs to be much more of a lover? Yes i did. Her take on it, "well you view porn, so I won't be with you. Whatever you do is not my way and will never be correct". A very handy crutch for her to hide her own fears and problems behind. It would never matter how long I went without viewing anything, the lack of sex and the excuses on her part grew stronger and stronger. My WIFE was the problem, not the porn. Our sex life -after the last child was born- dropped to A hand job once a year for 10 yrs, and then one fake reset between 5 yrs. of nothing. Then there is the part about past lovers who where, -as other ladies have said- much more all about sex, but had a world of other problems. Instead i married someone who was more "safe and stable". Had I known it would mean manipulative controller and 20+ years of a loveless, SM, I would have made another choice. I understand what you are saying but that was not my reality. Sex stopped for me when I got pregnant and not by my choice. He never touched me sexually again. How is that my fault? For many years I begged, threw out ultimatums, cried my eyes out- you name it for a little affection. He ignored my pleas in favor of porn. Yes, we had other issues in our relationship and early on I tried to talk to him about needing more affection and intimacy in my life. He would give me reasons for why he didn’t feel like giving me affection and I tried very hard to be the person he wanted me to be just so he would have sex with me. It never happened. So now I’m a shell of the person I used to be, don’t have any idea who I am anymore, and trying to break out of this rut. You’re trying to tell me it’s not porn??? I beg to differ. Yes, new friend I will SUGGEST that it is not just porn. Instead your H has deeper problems that can easily go all the way back to his childhood, his upbringing,and/or any past traumatic experiences, that could be sex related or just related to his attitude, and coping mechanisms with problems in general. None of which are your fault in how you handled the situation. The porn is/was a crutch, a tool to hide behind the bigger picture of his own fears and self denial. An easy way to satisfy himself without having to satisfy someone else. Maybe he thinks he can't satisfy you? Maybe he thinks he's way more attractive and self deserving of a hotter woman? Yet in reality it ain't ever going to happen! Who knows! The time has come and past that this is not your problem or your concern. Your new concern is now being true to yourself and dealing with re- gaining those lost years. As far as you being a 'shell of a person' that too is understandable. In my studies I found this definition and I like to share it. You have been living in a FOG. A relationship full of (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) no particular order, however the fear can be one of the first obstacles to overcome. That is where a support network is needed to help you overcome that. Personally I am several years ahead of you, slowly working on my own fears and struggling with being pleased with who I am, who I am becoming, weather I get an ego boost of being desired by another female ever again. I can and must like myself either way. Thanks for being here!
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 2, 2018 11:22:10 GMT -5
So many times the first step is ALWAYS the hardest and the scariest! No matter how small that first step is. I was so scared to make that phone call! Day after day I looked at my phone.....I waited. Eventually I made the call. So many of my fears turned out to be false and ended up being mild concerns. Attorneys are very well aware of your fears and most will do an extremely good job of calming you down, relieving your stress, and you will leave with a new level of comfort and many well answered questions. My 2 cents- You need a female friend, 2 or 3 to be your support network. Ask your close friend to go to the attorneys office with you for support, or even to be next to you when you make the call. Then take them out for lunch. If you don't quit you can't lose. If you never ask, you will never know. Stop giving and start receiving. You deserve it. Receiving is a good thing! You are then giving others an opportunity to receive the benefits of giving by asking for help. Don't let pride get in your way. We all stumble and need help from time to time. This will also be a life lesson for you, teaching you the importance in communicating, be open with another individual, transparent, submissive and vulnerable. It will actually make you stronger for your future endeavors. Be bold. Set a deadline, wright it down, re read your posts to yourself. You can do this! Thank you! One of my big issues is that I don’t have many close friends locally anymore. I’ve been too focused on my husband and didn’t want to make waves by telling him I wanted to spend time with friends. My perception was that he wouldn’t like it and I was happy to avoid the conflict. I’m already learning a lot about myself and the mistakes I’ve made by reading these posts! This is good advice and I will reach out to old friends for support. Great idea! Reach out to those friends and who cares if he doesn’t like it! You didn’t like it all these years he chose to fuck his hand instead of you so tough shit if he doesn’t like it. Furthermore I would see an attorney and figure out what your life would look like without him financially. After that whether you stay married or not, reinvent yourself and stop making his life so comfortable, heck I’d make it uncomfortable on purpose but that’s me!
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 2, 2018 11:45:29 GMT -5
Thank you! One of my big issues is that I don’t have many close friends locally anymore. I’ve been too focused on my husband and didn’t want to make waves by telling him I wanted to spend time with friends. My perception was that he wouldn’t like it and I was happy to avoid the conflict. I’m already learning a lot about myself and the mistakes I’ve made by reading these posts! This is good advice and I will reach out to old friends for support. Then I would suggest you also check out Divorce Recovery groups in your area. I found mine under meetup.com. It's a 4 part series and the first part would be very beneficial for you. My experience was that our class was 50% to 75% people who have not divorced yet but have reached the tipping point. The ratio was 10 women to 1 man. (just my experience here in Fl.) A good place to find a mentor and a support network, along with books and guest speakers that will give you helpful information. It will also get you out of the house and give you more practice with communicating with new people again, face to face.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 2, 2018 12:30:26 GMT -5
I understand what you are saying but that was not my reality. Sex stopped for me when I got pregnant and not by my choice. He never touched me sexually again. How is that my fault? For many years I begged, threw out ultimatums, cried my eyes out- you name it for a little affection. He ignored my pleas in favor of porn. Yes, we had other issues in our relationship and early on I tried to talk to him about needing more affection and intimacy in my life. He would give me reasons for why he didn’t feel like giving me affection and I tried very hard to be the person he wanted me to be just so he would have sex with me. It never happened. So now I’m a shell of the person I used to be, don’t have any idea who I am anymore, and trying to break out of this rut. You’re trying to tell me it’s not porn??? I beg to differ. Yes, new friend I will SUGGEST that it is not just porn. Instead your H has deeper problems that can easily go all the way back to his childhood, his upbringing,and/or any past traumatic experiences, that could be sex related or just related to his attitude, and coping mechanisms with problems in general. None of which are your fault in how you handled the situation. The porn is/was a crutch, a tool to hide behind the bigger picture of his own fears and self denial. An easy way to satisfy himself without having to satisfy someone else. maybe he thinks he can't? Maybe he thinks he's way more attractive and self deserving of a hotter woman? Yet in reality it ain't ever going to happen! Who knows! The time has come and past that this is not your problem or your concern. What your new concern is now being true to yourself and dealing with re- gaining those lost years. As far as you being a 'shell of a person' that too is understandable. In my studies I found this definition and I like to share it. You have been living in a FOG. A relationship full of (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) no particular order, however the fear can be one of the first obstacles to overcome. That is where a support network is needed to help you overcome that. Personally I am several years ahead of you, slowly working on my own fears and struggling with being pleased with who I am, who I am becoming, weather I get an ego boost of being desired by another female ever again. I can and must like myself either way. Thanks for being here! This does resonate with me and I’ll even agree with your suggestion. I’ve learned a lot through this support group and know I must give myself time. I’ve just put myself out there to all of you and know I need time to process everything. Thank you for your feedback and support.
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Post by sadkat on Aug 2, 2018 12:35:02 GMT -5
Thank you! One of my big issues is that I don’t have many close friends locally anymore. I’ve been too focused on my husband and didn’t want to make waves by telling him I wanted to spend time with friends. My perception was that he wouldn’t like it and I was happy to avoid the conflict. I’m already learning a lot about myself and the mistakes I’ve made by reading these posts! This is good advice and I will reach out to old friends for support. Great idea! Reach out to those friends and who cares if he doesn’t like it! You didn’t like it all these years he chose to fuck his hand instead of you so tough shit if he doesn’t like it. Furthermore I would see an attorney and figure out what your life would look like without him financially. After that whether you stay married or not, reinvent yourself and stop making his life so comfortable, heck I’d make it uncomfortable on purpose but that’s me! Haha! Yes, I should make it uncomfortable. It’s the fear and guilt issue I have to overcome. I’m very lucky in that financially, I’m able to take care of myself. I’ve got a great job which will sustain me through the separation. I’m still taking everyone’s advise about consulting a lawyer just to understand how to split up the assets we own together.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 2, 2018 12:38:31 GMT -5
It is not the porn!!! Porn itself could be replaced by something else.
The ugly truth is: The problem is your husband does not desire you. He does not want to have sex with you. You can believe that if the TV went out or the internet died or whatever way your h consumes his porn is not available he would somehow want you. You are free to believe that but to quote you I beg to differ. If he goes through porn addiction recovery will he want you? No.
If he wanted you he would have sex with you. If he cared that he was hurting you he would change his behavior. He does not and has not. This is a hard truth that you are hiding from behind the porn addiction. There are plenty of people into porn that still have sex with their spouses joyfully.
You are not to blame for his addiction or his lack of desire. You are to blame for staying although most of us are. You are totally to blame for what you choose now. With the knowledge you have what will you do with that shell to fill it with passionate, joyful and exciting life experiences while you can?
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 2, 2018 13:45:06 GMT -5
How long have you been married? In many states of the Us if you have been married at least 10 years, you are entitled to half of assets (except for inheritances) and debts.
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 2, 2018 14:08:01 GMT -5
Great idea! Reach out to those friends and who cares if he doesn’t like it! You didn’t like it all these years he chose to fuck his hand instead of you so tough shit if he doesn’t like it. Furthermore I would see an attorney and figure out what your life would look like without him financially. After that whether you stay married or not, reinvent yourself and stop making his life so comfortable, heck I’d make it uncomfortable on purpose but that’s me! Haha! Yes, I should make it uncomfortable. It’s the fear and guilt issue I have to overcome. I’m very lucky in that financially, I’m able to take care of myself. I’ve got a great job which will sustain me through the separation. I’m still taking everyone’s advise about consulting a lawyer just to understand how to split up the assets we own together. As far as guilt - lose it because he doesn’t deserve it. Fear - what are you afraid of?
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Post by baza on Aug 2, 2018 21:25:31 GMT -5
I'll re-wind here to the porn. For the sake of arguement, I will agree that "the porn IS the problem". So let us assume that he decides to do something about that. Let's assume further that he is successful in kicking the porn habit.
On what evidence do you figure that this now re-constructed and porn free bloke would suddenly develop a desire to fuck you, in particular ?
Think it through. "If" he recovered from his porn problem, then one possible outcome is that he might - as a brand new bloke - desire sex with real live women generally. Indeed this re-constructed bloke may even desire real life sexual engagement with one particular woman. On what basis would you figure that that particular woman this re-constructed bloke might want would be you ?
And all this has the cart before the horse anyway. He may not be the slighest bit interested in giving up porn. He may be completely unable to give up the porn. And all this BEFORE how things might go if he was able to give up the porn. If he successfully gave up the porn it just doen't follow that any benefit from that would come your way necessarily.
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