|
Post by sadkat on Aug 1, 2018 15:30:30 GMT -5
Hi Everyone:
I just joined and have been reading many posts over the past hour or so. I’m surprised that I have not seen that many posts regarding porn and SM. I am 55 and have been married for 25 years to a man who prefers porn to me. It’s been that way since I was pregnant with my only child. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves why I stayed so long. The simple truth is because of that one child. But it’s not for the common reason people usually give. I just couldn’t bring myself to give up a single minute of opportunity to raise my child. So I chose to stay. Now my child is grown and gone and I’m struggling with so much unhappiness. I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I fight depression every day by going to the gym and immersing myself in work. I know I need to leave and have told my husband so. Now, he is being very nice and accommodating which is making it that much more difficult. I keep reminding myself that he still indulges in porn and has not touched me in the month since I told him I wanted out of the marriage. Yet, I’m still hesitant to make that final step. Anyone else in the same situation? How are you dealing with it? Why is it so hard to leave a marriage that you know will never be what you need? Any support and advice would be appreciated!
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Aug 1, 2018 16:24:58 GMT -5
It was very hard for me to leave, even though everyone in my life told me it was the right decision. I have been very happy since I left, and I am so glad I did. I don't have a problem with porn in general, but I will never understand a man who prefers it to a warm, willing, wet woman. Please realize that you are going to be just fine, and there is probably something wonderful waiting for you on the other side. Here is a link to my story. It may help you... iliasm.org/thread/4664/encouragement-side
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 1, 2018 16:41:33 GMT -5
Individual therapy and talking to sex positive friends helped me develop the confidence to leave my SM. Before leaving, I also started living my life very independently of my h. I vacationed without him, socialized without him, pursued things i was interested in without him. I saw that I indeed was happier doing things without him than with him. I also learned that my friends were having active sex lives -- or wanted active sex lives -- even thouhttp://iliasm.org/post/new/4691gh they were as old as 80. One 80-year-old woman friend was having frequent sex with her 78-year-old boyfriend. I realized that I was normal and healthy to want sex as part of a romantic relationship, and I also realized I'd be happier permanently single -even without ever having a romantic partner again -- than remaining sexless in my marriage. This process took a few years so be patient with yourself.
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Aug 1, 2018 17:24:15 GMT -5
My two cents: porn "feels" like the problem... but if you placed ANYTHING in this blank: ... you'd still have the same problem. Examples: "watching sports", "playing video games", "golfing", "working", "drinking". Sure, he's avoiding sex with you; is his activity of what he's doing when he's not with you that relevant?
I'm not sure what you were expecting when you said "you're not touching me enough; I want to leave the marriage". Did you expect that announcement alone would get him to suddenly develop the interest and talents to be a generous lover?
Individual therapy is probably pretty important for you right now: it doesn't help you "solve" your problems directly, rather it helps you untangle your conflicting "wants". It is a safe place to be openly sad; to start letting yourself be honest with yourself, with the assistance of your therapist. This process is to help you figure out what you "want the most" given the likely possible things you can achieve.
Marital therapy is very hit or miss. Sometimes helpful in ironing out communication problems, but mostly a "miss" when it comes to mismatched libidos, if you ask me.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 1, 2018 17:30:46 GMT -5
Hi Everyone: I just joined and have been reading many posts over the past hour or so. I’m surprised that I have not seen that many posts regarding porn and SM. I am 55 and have been married for 25 years to a man who prefers porn to me. It’s been that way since I was pregnant with my only child. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves why I stayed so long. The simple truth is because of that one child. But it’s not for the common reason people usually give. I just couldn’t bring myself to give up a single minute of opportunity to raise my child. So I chose to stay. Now my child is grown and gone and I’m struggling with so much unhappiness. I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I fight depression every day by going to the gym and immersing myself in work. I know I need to leave and have told my husband so. Now, he is being very nice and accommodating which is making it that much more difficult. I keep reminding myself that he still indulges in porn and has not touched me in the month since I told him I wanted out of the marriage. Yet, I’m still hesitant to make that final step. Anyone else in the same situation? How are you dealing with it? Why is it so hard to leave a marriage that you know will never be what you need? Any support and advice would be appreciated! Regardless of your situation, don't threaten "I want to leave" unless you have full plans made and are ready to walk out the door. You told him you want to leave a month ago. You're still there. Empty threat. Credibility lost. The next time you tell him he will say "whatever" in his head and turn back towards the screen. What does your attorney think of your plans to leave? If your attorney has no thoughts on it because you have no attorney, I would suggest a free consultation in your area. It never hurts to find out how your threats would work out in the real world. In the meantime? Stop making threats. Make plans.
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Aug 1, 2018 18:53:42 GMT -5
My 21-year-marriage was sexless on the wedding night. He chose porn for the first several years of marriage over me.
I gave him an ultimatum— give up porn or I’m leaving.
He gave up porn (truly, he did), but the marriage remained sexless the entire 21 years.
You are blaming porn. It’s not the porn. YOUR HUSBAND is the problem. But you have a problem, too. Thankfully, you can control how you respond to it. There’s your power. I suggest individual therapy to get back control over your life and decisions. Don’t be a victim! You can do this!
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Aug 1, 2018 19:15:16 GMT -5
My husband chose porn and other vices over sex with Me. I was married to him for 23 years. When I got the divorce my kids were young but I chose to put the oxygen mask on myself and sacrifice time away from the kids to help myself. Therapy like the others suggest is helpful.
My point of view is you can’t make someone want sex with you. You either accept it and figure out a way to live with it or divorce him. As well since he is not interested in your sexuality then your sexuality is none of his business.
I really think you should focus on yourself with therapy, activities you enjoy, reconnecting with friends, go for a consult with a lawyer to see how a divorce would shake out for you, maybe find a fuck buddy, pedicures, massages, etc.
If I were in your shoes after speaking to a lawyer and figuring out what is in your best interests, I would either give your H and ultimatum that you are no longer going to live like a nun. He has two choices a) fuck You enthusiastically at least twice a week and he better learn to love eating your pussy. Or b) agree to an open marriage or c) divorce (if you want to go there)
Let him know that the final decision will be made by you based on his response
Personally I’d divorce his ass now that your kids are grown and you are free.
He does not deserve the title of your husband and there are consequences for poor choices.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 1, 2018 19:17:27 GMT -5
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction Sister sadkat . Establish how a divorce would shake out for you. Within those legal parameters construct a exit strategy and knock it into do-able shape. Shore up your support network (including a counseller for yourself) to help you through the process. In constructing the above, you are constructing an alternative to staying in the sub-optimal marriage. The end call, whether you enact your alternative or not, is a choice. But you sure as shit are not going to enact an alternative if you ain't got one. Get one - that's my suggestion. It can be very comforting to have such a do-able plan in your pocket.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Aug 1, 2018 20:33:19 GMT -5
Thank you for this- it helps to gain perspective and gives me hope for the future.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Aug 1, 2018 22:17:51 GMT -5
Hi Everyone: I just joined and have been reading many posts over the past hour or so. I’m surprised that I have not seen that many posts regarding porn and SM. I am 55 and have been married for 25 years to a man who prefers porn to me. It’s been that way since I was pregnant with my only child. I’m sure you’re asking yourselves why I stayed so long. The simple truth is because of that one child. But it’s not for the common reason people usually give. I just couldn’t bring myself to give up a single minute of opportunity to raise my child. So I chose to stay. Now my child is grown and gone and I’m struggling with so much unhappiness. I don’t like the person I’m becoming. I fight depression every day by going to the gym and immersing myself in work. I know I need to leave and have told my husband so. Now, he is being very nice and accommodating which is making it that much more difficult. I keep reminding myself that he still indulges in porn and has not touched me in the month since I told him I wanted out of the marriage. Yet, I’m still hesitant to make that final step. Anyone else in the same situation? How are you dealing with it? Why is it so hard to leave a marriage that you know will never be what you need? Any support and advice would be appreciated! Regardless of your situation, don't threaten "I want to leave" unless you have full plans made and are ready to walk out the door. You told him you want to leave a month ago. You're still there. Empty threat. Credibility lost. The next time you tell him he will say "whatever" in his head and turn back towards the screen. What does your attorney think of your plans to leave? If your attorney has no thoughts on it because you have no attorney, I would suggest a free consultation in your area. It never hurts to find out how your threats would work out in the real world. In the meantime? Stop making threats. Make plans. Yes- I know that and I’ve made so many threats over the past 20 years that my credibility is shot to hell! I have a reference for a lawyer- just trying to make the call- I’m a coward and can’t seem to take that step. Not sure what I am afraid of. I know I want out and certainly don’t feel any desire for my husband after all this time so what the hell is holding me back?
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 1, 2018 22:49:03 GMT -5
Getting appropriate legal advice commits you to precisely nothing Sister sadkat . What it DOES do is get you information to consider divorce objectively and realistically as a possible choice. What might be holding you back at the moment is tales you've seen from the law firm "Facebook and Friends". See a real lawyer is best.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 2, 2018 6:30:45 GMT -5
“know I want out and certainly don’t feel any desire for my husband after all this time so what the hell is holding me back? ” Fear is. Individual therapy could help as could support from a trusted, sex positive woman friend whom you reveal the stare of your marriage to. Continuing to post here can help, too especially if you document your misery and read those posts over. Head in the sand will keep you stuck.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 2, 2018 6:45:01 GMT -5
Yes- I know that and I’ve made so many threats over the past 20 years that my credibility is shot to hell! I have a reference for a lawyer- just trying to make the call- I’m a coward and can’t seem to take that step. Not sure what I am afraid of. I know I want out and certainly don’t feel any desire for my husband after all this time so what the hell is holding me back? So many times the first step is ALWAYS the hardest and the scariest! No matter how small that first step is. I was so scared to make that phone call! Day after day I looked at my phone.....I waited. Eventually I made the call. So many of my fears turned out to be false and ended up being mild concerns. Attorneys are very well aware of your fears and most will do an extremely good job of calming you down, relieving your stress, and you will leave with a new level of comfort and many well answered questions. My 2 cents- You need a female friend, 2 or 3 to be your support network. Ask your close friend to go to the attorneys office with you for support, or even to be next to you when you make the call. Then take them out for lunch. If you don't quit you can't lose. If you never ask, you will never know. Stop giving and start receiving. You deserve it. Receiving is a good thing! You are then giving others an opportunity to receive the benefits of giving by asking for help. Don't let pride get in your way. We all stumble and need help from time to time. This will also be a life lesson for you, teaching you the importance in communicating, be open with another individual, transparent, submissive and vulnerable. It will actually make you stronger for your future endeavors. Be bold. Set a deadline, wright it down, re read your posts to yourself. You can do this!
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 2, 2018 7:08:24 GMT -5
My two cents: porn "feels" like the problem... but if you placed ANYTHING in this blank: ... you'd still have the same problem. Examples: "watching sports", "playing video games", "golfing", "working", "drinking". Sure, he's avoiding sex with you; is his activity of what he's doing when he's not with you that relevant? I'm not sure what you were expecting when you said "you're not touching me enough; I want to leave the marriage". Did you expect that announcement alone would get him to suddenly develop the interest and talents to be a generous lover? So well said @dan! I'd like to add on to this. Early in my marriage my W would have sex with me once a week. I desired and needed 3 to 5 times a week. That's a 75% decrees. What do you think filled that gap? Porn. Small quantity, One scene or picture, enough to get the job done. Did i try for more sex and intimacy with my Wife by communicating my needs ? Yes. I went through the whole bacon scented candles, kissing, touching, massaging, undressing, music, dinners, movies, date nights, extra chores, having multiple children, doing most all of the child raising,etc... being a real "yes dear". Did I expect all that to communicate to her that she needs to be much more of a lover? Yes i did. Her take on it, "well you view porn, so I won't be with you. Whatever you do is not my way and will never be correct". A very handy crutch for her to hide her own fears and problems behind. It would never matter how long I went without viewing anything, the lack of sex and the excuses on her part grew stronger and stronger. My WIFE was the problem, not the porn. Our sex life -after the last child was born- dropped to A hand job once a year for 10 yrs, and then one fake reset between 5 yrs. of nothing. Then there is the part about past lovers who where, -as other ladies have said- much more all about sex, but had a world of other problems. Instead i married someone who was more "safe and stable". Had I known it would mean manipulative controller and 20+ years of a loveless, SM, I would have made another choice.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 2, 2018 8:23:16 GMT -5
Regardless of your situation, don't threaten "I want to leave" unless you have full plans made and are ready to walk out the door. You told him you want to leave a month ago. You're still there. Empty threat. Credibility lost. The next time you tell him he will say "whatever" in his head and turn back towards the screen. What does your attorney think of your plans to leave? If your attorney has no thoughts on it because you have no attorney, I would suggest a free consultation in your area. It never hurts to find out how your threats would work out in the real world. In the meantime? Stop making threats. Make plans. Yes- I know that and I’ve made so many threats over the past 20 years that my credibility is shot to hell! I have a reference for a lawyer- just trying to make the call- I’m a coward and can’t seem to take that step. Not sure what I am afraid of. I know I want out and certainly don’t feel any desire for my husband after all this time so what the hell is holding me back? Being scared is, unfortunately, part of this situation. If I may offer some advice? Only be scared of the things that are known. You have no idea what a divorce would look like. An attorney can at least help you understand fears versus reality. I dialed an attorney 3 times and hung up when someone answered before I had the courage to say hello. I'm guessing you can do better than me. Another word of advice? Call two or three. You need to find someone who fits your style and you are comfortable with. Oh and baza is right. A call commits you to nothing. It's just getting some facts.
|
|