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Post by workingonit on Jul 29, 2018 6:02:33 GMT -5
So I find myself in a situation. I am ready to begin the getting out. But over the last few weeks it has become abudantly clear that my son is in acute crisis. I wont go into detail but I now understand there is no way my h and I could live apart right now as it literally will take both of us to try to get through this with everyone intact. So I am considering the option of officially separating but continuing to live together. Have you tried this? Know someone who has? What are the pitfalls? How did it work? Is this a viable option? For how long did it work for you? Did you separate finances? Did you get to fuck other people (for the love of God please say yes!!!) ? I think this is not going to work with my h really. But I like to mentally explore my options- I hate that I feel trapped right now just when I am shaking off the shackles I have ignored for so very long. Help me with this mental exercise friends!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 29, 2018 7:17:07 GMT -5
A good way to look at your situation is to ask yourself ' If my H was hit by a bus today, how would my son and I get through this?" The answer is you would get through this. You would get through it quiet nicely. From your description of having to be a mother to another adult male "H", your husband is not living up to much of his responsibilities at all. You are continuing to enable that. Anytime you confront it in the least bit he is a master manipulator of words and it always ends in his favor.. You need ACTIONS not words.
Myself,and others, seperated and lived together, it's called getting divorced. When the final tipping point came, and the children where all sat around the table the announcement was made. "Mom and I are getting divorced". Who knew the process would take two more years?
My W claimed she had "detached" herself from me years ago. My response was "really? you were so self absorbed and detached already I never even knew you had detached". So things like her moving to another room, and us having zero communication, wasn't all that different from how things where already. Me doing less and less of all the household chores was a difference. Me not having finances for the kids was a difference. That gave her more control. (It's all a level playing field now)
I also did not expect the advice I received from my attorney, "do not move out of the house.All it takes is one month and she can claim abandonment and the house belongs to her". Is your home loan in both your names?
The pitfall was the finances. You can get a court order for "emergency relieif" and whatever money the two of you have in any joint accounts, you are allowed 1/2 of it.
As far as fucking other people? In all honesty I was not going to give my W any more ammunition against me. I was well trained to do without it and could wait it out. You will go through quite a "mindfuck" during a divorce, you are going to feel like you are a disaster with a ton of extra baggage and that no one will want you. Don't add the extra mental, physical, time, burden of having sex with someone else. There are too many wrong choices out there to get involved with.
Save that for when you can present a better package. "Hi, I am @workingonit, I'm divorced, a single mom, I have my own house, I am full time employed, I have a son ,I see him every other week, I am available, lets meet for coffee sometime!"
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Post by baza on Jul 29, 2018 7:22:24 GMT -5
Presumably your husband puts in a similar effort to you in dealing with this crisis with your kid (and isn't a dead weight you have to carry as well) and that makes it imperative that you and he - and presumably the kid - remain domiciled together. The only case I recall was back on EP with Sister Zsuwilonger (I almost always spell that wrong) who had a faux separation. Different circumstances to what you describe - and it was a fuck up and she eventually got out. You are obviously a super busy and stressed person at the moment Sister workingonit . Could you fit in a lawyer consult and put those questions to an attorney ? As far as engaging in a bit of stray rooting, your opportunities are probably not going to be any better (or worse) than they are right now, because your spouse remains under the same roof in either scenario. Whatever reticence your spouses presence caused to discourage you from having a go at outsourcing in the past, are still going to be inhibitors now and in the short term future while he's under your nose. I am also presuming that the kids issue you refer to is drugs, and also assume that you have checked out NarcAnon and the rehab facilities etc that are available locally to help spread the load in dealing with this issue. Feeling for you Sister workingonit . When it rains it effen pours eh ?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 29, 2018 7:52:19 GMT -5
To save money including allowing me to stay on his insurance til he retired, my now evx lived together with me for a year until He retired and the divorce was final. This worked for us. We both agreed to it. Our lives already were very separate. I’d slept in a different room for about 2 years. Our social lives and meals were separate. He already was fucking someone. Due to that we agreed that I could date, etc. about 6 months into the arrangement I started dating. Later, I started fucking and spending the night out.
It worked for us. We behaved like polite roommates and had an amiable, fair divorce. We both wanted out of the marriage. Ymmv.
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Post by Dan on Jul 29, 2018 14:56:43 GMT -5
The legal definition of "separation" varies from state to state. For example, in my state in fact there is no such legal status as "separated". However, a couple can enter in to a binding financial agreement... which is roughly similar. Also, sometimes as part of the divorce (or separation) agreement you can work out cohabitation. Anyway, you really need to ask a lawyer in your state. A divorce mediator might also have some ideas that are not in the lawyer's usual bag of tricks.
As for long-term co-parenting roles (presumptively post-divorce), there is an arrangement called "bird nesting", where you each get your own apartment AND keep the family home; the kids stay in the family home, but only one parent is there at a time. Instead of "the kids are with which parent this week?", the question is "which parent is staying with the kids this week?". If your son is in need of LOTS of care, this might not quite fit your situation.
My second son -- now in his young twenties -- has been on quite a mental-health roller coaster since high-school and has been part of my reason for "staying and coping". My heart goes out to your whole family, and I hope you can find something that meets your needs AND your son's, and something your H can go along with.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 29, 2018 16:56:14 GMT -5
The legal definition of "separation" varies from state to state. For example, in my state there is no such legal status as "separated". However, a couple can enter in to a binding financial agreement... which is roughly similar. Also, sometimes as part of the divorce agreement you can workout cohabitation. Anyway, you really need to ask a lawyer in your state. A divorce mediator might also have some ideas that are not in the lawyer's usual bag of tricks. Yeah, in my state, a requirement of legal separation as a prerequisite for divorce is actual physical separation with separate residences for 1 year and 1 day before divorce will be granted. Cohabitation, including maintaining separate rooms in the same residence, does not meet this requirement. The logistics of getting this done has occupied me for the better part of a year. I had never heard of this. This sounds GREAT! I wonder if I can get the STBX to agree to something like this!
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Post by Dan on Jul 29, 2018 22:06:22 GMT -5
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Post by jamesbonding on Aug 11, 2018 20:52:09 GMT -5
I am also presuming that the kids issue you refer to is drugs, and also assume that you have checked out NarcAnon and the rehab facilities etc that are available locally to help spread the load in dealing with this issue. Be careful. Narconon is a Scientology front group. Google it!
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