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Agenda?
Jul 28, 2018 4:14:36 GMT -5
Post by michael on Jul 28, 2018 4:14:36 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. Its gotten to the point I just want to leave her alone and not be around her. Not having a decent sex life is bad, feeling like shit about advocating for your needs is worse, but feeling like my my actions are always questioned this way is intolerable. Been there. The only winning move is not to play. If they're going to act like every positive thing you do is a pretense to sexual activity, stop doing anything positive. I don't wear my wedding ring. I don't ever compliment her anymore. I don't celebrate relationship holidays like V-day, anniversaries, or her birthday. I don't buy her gifts. I canceled our housekeeping service. I don't hug her, or give her chaste pecks on the cheek; hell, I haven't actually even physically touched her in 3 years. I kicked her out of the bedroom. I stopped taking her out on stupid fucking "date nights". I don't do anything with her, unless it's a family thing with the kids. I don't even listen to her, unless it's about the kids. At least she can't say that I'm doing all this to get laid! Of course, if you actually still give a shit about your marriage, this is probably stunningly bad advice. All that's left of mine is the smoldering wreckage after I cratered ours into the ground.
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Agenda?
Jul 28, 2018 4:15:45 GMT -5
Post by michael on Jul 28, 2018 4:15:45 GMT -5
Wow. Is that me talking?
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 28, 2018 5:07:20 GMT -5
Been there. The only winning move is not to play. If they're going to act like every positive thing you do is a pretense to sexual activity, stop doing anything positive. I don't wear my wedding ring. I don't ever compliment her anymore. I don't celebrate relationship holidays like V-day, anniversaries, or her birthday. I don't buy her gifts. I canceled our housekeeping service. I don't hug her, or give her chaste pecks on the cheek; hell, I haven't actually even physically touched her in 3 years. I kicked her out of the bedroom. I stopped taking her out on stupid fucking "date nights". I don't do anything with her, unless it's a family thing with the kids. I don't even listen to her, unless it's about the kids. At least she can't say that I'm doing all this to get laid! Of course, if you actually still give a shit about your marriage, this is probably stunningly bad advice. All that's left of mine is the smoldering wreckage after I cratered ours into the ground. So then johannesfactotum and michael - why are you staying? What is there to stay for that outweighs constant and unending misery? I certainly am not saying your negative attitude toward your marriage is wrong, but I do think that once you reach that point, there is no coming back from that. Do you envision your marriage will someday improve? (Even when it sounds like you hate your wife?) If not, why are you still married? This life is not a dress rehearsal. Every day you spend hating and avoiding your life and your reality is another day you will never get back. At the end of your life, are you going to look back and be glad you stayed?
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 28, 2018 21:52:05 GMT -5
So then johannesfactotum and michael - why are you staying? What is there to stay for that outweighs constant and unending misery? I certainly am not saying your negative attitude toward your marriage is wrong, but I do think that once you reach that point, there is no coming back from that. Do you envision your marriage will someday improve? (Even when it sounds like you hate your wife?) If not, why are you still married? This life is not a dress rehearsal. Every day you spend hating and avoiding your life and your reality is another day you will never get back. At the end of your life, are you going to look back and be glad you stayed? I won't be staying for much longer. I plan to eject starting at the end of next month. I've pretty much done all the damage I can possibly do to my marriage and I'm fairly satisfied with the thoroughness of the destruction. I've known for a few years that our marriage was doomed, but I initially planned to stay until the kids were out of the house. I've decided that 22 years is long enough and recent events have shown me that staying in this farce of a relationship is making me into a fucking dumpster fire of a human being. There were financial and legal reasons why I couldn't pull the trigger on divorce until recently, but the shackles are off now and I'm ready to get on with my new life away from her By the end of next month, I should have the majority of the financials and living arrangements squared away for the eventual divorce after the mandatory year of separation. As much as I hate her, she is the mother of my children and for their sake I have to make sure that the transition is as problem free as I can make it.
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Post by baza on Jul 29, 2018 0:12:05 GMT -5
It is possible that this could work in your favour Brother johannesfactotum . If your inputs to your marriage have been pretty negative over the past few years, and not to put it too lightly, that you have been a bit of a prick toward your missus --- but then start the split up process from a position of being conciliatory and respectful to the mother of your kids, it could play out to your advantage by perhaps producing an amicable parting of the ways and minimise the hurt to all involved parties. You've got a great opportunity here to demonstrate to your kids "this is the way you end a relationship with a bit of class and compassion" A lesson your kids may appreciate in years to come when they face break-ups personally.
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Agenda?
Jul 29, 2018 2:13:30 GMT -5
Post by michael on Jul 29, 2018 2:13:30 GMT -5
So then johannesfactotum and michael - why are you staying? What is there to stay for that outweighs constant and unending misery? I certainly am not saying your negative attitude toward your marriage is wrong, but I do think that once you reach that point, there is no coming back from that. Do you envision your marriage will someday improve? (Even when it sounds like you hate your wife?) If not, why are you still married? This life is not a dress rehearsal. Every day you spend hating and avoiding your life and your reality is another day you will never get back. At the end of your life, are you going to look back and be glad you stayed? I’m just staying for the kids. They are still young. I really believe without me they would be doomed to a life with very little success. Just like their mom. Who works for minimum wage but lives in one of the biggest houses in town, drives her own car, (which by the way the way have never even sat in) , has a pool, an acre of property pretty much downtown, does zero yard work, complains about cooking and sucks at it, doesn’t clean (or even shuts her underwear drawer ever, which is the only chance I get to see anything like a woman’s underwear), and takes zero responsibility for the kids to do their chores, and much more. But I could write a whole forum on that.
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Post by baza on Jul 29, 2018 2:29:44 GMT -5
Are you open to a suggestion Brother michael - namely that what you and your missus are modelling for the kids may not be doing them any favours in years to come when they start looking for a life partner ?? The example they seem to be exposed to at this point is that "the wifes role in a marriage is to be a lazy entitled bitch and the husbands role is to facilitate that"
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Agenda?
Jul 29, 2018 18:49:33 GMT -5
Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 29, 2018 18:49:33 GMT -5
It is possible that this could work in your favour Brother johannesfactotum . If your inputs to your marriage have been pretty negative over the past few years, and not to put it too lightly, that you have been a bit of a prick toward your missus --- but then start the split up process from a position of being conciliatory and respectful to the mother of your kids, it could play out to your advantage by perhaps producing an amicable parting of the ways and minimise the hurt to all involved parties. You've got a great opportunity here to demonstrate to your kids "this is the way you end a relationship with a bit of class and compassion" A lesson your kids may appreciate in years to come when they face break-ups personally. On the whole, I think I'm on a good track. In speaking with my divorce lawyer, I've been very clear that I intend to be generous and fair with regards to the marital assets and alimony, child support, etc. She will get the house, on which I will continue to pay the mortgage until the house is paid off or she marries again. With the alimony and child support, she will be able to live fairly comfortably, but not at our current level, without having to go to work. This comes with certain stipulations, which she initially balked at, but which I insisted are non-negotiable and failure to agree would mean I take the gloves off in the divorce proceedings. Violation of these conditions would result in pretty severe penalties for her. A happy side effect of our relationship dynamics of the past 3 years is that I have pretty much crushed her will to fight and she knows that I am not afraid to go nuclear if she gets it in her head to fuck me over. In so far as she doesn't do anything stupid to piss me off, our divorce should proceed amicably.
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