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Agenda?
Jul 25, 2018 0:22:13 GMT -5
Post by sojourner on Jul 25, 2018 0:22:13 GMT -5
IMO, this is second line of sexless defense. First is complaining of physical maladies, e.g., headaches. Second is what you are hearing. It only gets worse after that.
A craptastic shitshow, it is.
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Agenda?
Jul 25, 2018 0:37:42 GMT -5
Post by baza on Jul 25, 2018 0:37:42 GMT -5
Another thing Brother thefire24Whilst you are wondering about her agenda, chasing why she is as she is, fretting about the lack of engagement, worrying about where it is all going etc etc etc you are NOT looking at the overall picture. Apart from the paucity of sex, what else is going on in your deal ?
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 11:21:13 GMT -5
thefire24 , your wife is showing pure contempt for you and your needs. That is one of Gottman's Four Horsemen... Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. You may recognize any or all the other three. ETA: what you described is very arguably all four Horsemen... the contempt is just the most obvious to me. Google that. It is an eye opener and he explains it much better than I can. But it is the end of a relationship. Few if any come back from that.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 25, 2018 22:04:20 GMT -5
I've said it a lot.
When a couple talks about the issues surrounding sex instead of having sex, it's pretty doomed.
Sorry.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 22:24:39 GMT -5
I've said it a lot. When a couple talks about the issues surrounding sex instead of having sex, it's pretty doomed. Sorry. Now that's quotable
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Post by workingonit on Jul 26, 2018 5:40:15 GMT -5
I've said it a lot. When a couple talks about the issues surrounding sex instead of having sex, it's pretty doomed. Sorry. [bor] This made me laugh. My h has been talking about sex for a year. This is how he 'works on it'. Have to agree with your assessment
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 26, 2018 5:47:52 GMT -5
I've said it a lot. When a couple talks about the issues surrounding sex instead of having sex, it's pretty doomed. Sorry. [bor] This made me laugh. My h has been talking about sex for a year. This is how he 'works on it'. Have to agree with your assessment Such a good point. Talking about having sex is not having it and it is not “working on it”. Your spouse either wants to have sex with you or s/he doesn’t.
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thefire24
Junior Member
Posts: 28
Age Range: 36-40
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Agenda?
Jul 26, 2018 9:52:40 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by thefire24 on Jul 26, 2018 9:52:40 GMT -5
I totally agree that talking about it isn’t really going to get us anywhere. Yet I have this need to try and understand. I just couldn’t imagine saying no to sex over and over again. When you know how much it’s hurting the other person.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 26, 2018 11:08:53 GMT -5
"I totally agree that talking about it isn’t really going to get us anywhere. Yet I have this need to try and understand. I just couldn’t imagine saying no to sex over and over again. When you know how much it’s hurting the other person."
BTDT in terms of trying to understand it. Finally, I did understand: My h was not interested in having sex with me and the fact that lack of intimacy pained me didn't bother him. If he loved me (which by my standards was debatable), it was not a love similar to the love I had for him. When it came to the kind of love I desired and needed, he did not have that love for me and probably was not capable of having such love for me. Realizing that freed me to move on.
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Agenda?
Jul 26, 2018 18:52:06 GMT -5
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 26, 2018 18:52:06 GMT -5
I've said it a lot. When a couple talks about the issues surrounding sex instead of having sex, it's pretty doomed. Sorry. This goes back to the old saying "all talk and no action".
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Agenda?
Jul 27, 2018 14:13:31 GMT -5
Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 27, 2018 14:13:31 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. Its gotten to the point I just want to leave her alone and not be around her. Not having a decent sex life is bad, feeling like shit about advocating for your needs is worse, but feeling like my my actions are always questioned this way is intolerable. You and your wife may want to read / discuss the Five Love Languages book. It sounds like your "love language" may be "physical touch" (regardless of whether it's a hug, sex, or anything in between). Your wife's love language could be something else. That was the case with me and my W. Reading discussing that book, and doing some other things, helped turn my deal around.
I also read your post about TMI... Don't know if your feelings on that are a byproduct of being rejected in your marriage so long, or if it's for other reasons. Regardless, the threshold issue is do you want to save or improve your marriage for now / the foreseeable future, or do you want to get out? If you want to stay in your marriage for now, then at a minimum... it might as well be better than what it is, right? The Five Love Languages book can help. Your W may be "accusing" you of wanting sex because *her* primary love language needs are *not* being met (and she may not be fully aware of what that is / may not be actively thinking about it). It makes a lot of sense when you read it. All couples should read this book IMHO before getting married.
TL2
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thefire24
Junior Member
Posts: 28
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by thefire24 on Jul 27, 2018 15:04:21 GMT -5
I absolutely want to save this marriage and fix this situation. I love my wife and we have a great life in so many ways. I feel like this problem is poisoning the other aspects of our relationship. I’m not sure if that’s the same feeling for her. Maybe the sex life has been poisoned by something else I’m not aware of.
As for the TMI post. It’s something I don’t talk to anyone about, and it adds an extra layer to the sex life problem. I’m not even really sure why I put it out there.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 27, 2018 17:58:06 GMT -5
I absolutely want to save this marriage and fix this situation. I love my wife and we have a great life in so many ways. I feel like this problem is poisoning the other aspects of our relationship. I’m not sure if that’s the same feeling for her. Maybe the sex life has been poisoned by something else I’m not aware of. As for the TMI post. It’s something I don’t talk to anyone about, and it adds an extra layer to the sex life problem. I’m not even really sure why I put it out there. Truth will out. If you are serious about digging deep to face what is going on in your life I think you should brace yourself for more like that.
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Agenda?
Jul 27, 2018 20:27:14 GMT -5
Post by baza on Jul 27, 2018 20:27:14 GMT -5
Everyone *wants* their ILIASM shithole to be fixable. Everyone *wants* their ILIASM shithole to be fixed, Everyone *wants* to emulate Brother timeforliving2 . Who the fuck would *want* a divorce and all the disruption that involves ? The inconvenient truth is that some things ain't fixable. Of course *my situation* is different and special. *I* will be the next timeforliving2 . Yeah...right.
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Agenda?
Jul 27, 2018 22:56:20 GMT -5
Post by Dan on Jul 27, 2018 22:56:20 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. Its gotten to the point I just want to leave her alone and not be around her. Not having a decent sex life is bad, feeling like shit about advocating for your needs is worse, but feeling like my my actions are always questioned this way is intolerable. My wife was far craftier than yours. After decades of all manner of "good husband behavior" (kind words, chore-play, being a good dad and provider, offering massages and other "romantic stuff") that was both earnest AND often angling for some intimacy... ... she never once accused me of "always angling for sex"... ... she just declined enough that I began to associate WANTING sex with rejection... ... which eventually got me to stop wanting sex with her.
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