thefire24
Junior Member
Posts: 28
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by thefire24 on Jul 23, 2018 21:23:46 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. Its gotten to the point I just want to leave her alone and not be around her. Not having a decent sex life is bad, feeling like shit about advocating for your needs is worse, but feeling like my my actions are always questioned this way is intolerable.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jul 23, 2018 21:54:45 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. Its gotten to the point I just want to leave her alone and not be around her. Not having a decent sex life is bad, feeling like shit about advocating for your needs is worse, but feeling like my my actions are always questioned this way is intolerable. You, sir, are guilty. Guilty of having an agenda to have a normal marriage. Shame, sir, shame. (just not shame on you)
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 23, 2018 21:58:30 GMT -5
I dunno if you are taking a position that - "everything is great bar the sex" - Brother thefire24 , but the lack of sex is invariably a huge symptom of underlying incompatibility in the marriage. What else is going on in your deal other than the paucity of sex ? Oh, and welcome to the zoo.
|
|
johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 23, 2018 22:13:00 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. Its gotten to the point I just want to leave her alone and not be around her. Not having a decent sex life is bad, feeling like shit about advocating for your needs is worse, but feeling like my my actions are always questioned this way is intolerable. Been there. The only winning move is not to play. If they're going to act like every positive thing you do is a pretense to sexual activity, stop doing anything positive. I don't wear my wedding ring. I don't ever compliment her anymore. I don't celebrate relationship holidays like V-day, anniversaries, or her birthday. I don't buy her gifts. I canceled our housekeeping service. I don't hug her, or give her chaste pecks on the cheek; hell, I haven't actually even physically touched her in 3 years. I kicked her out of the bedroom. I stopped taking her out on stupid fucking "date nights". I don't do anything with her, unless it's a family thing with the kids. I don't even listen to her, unless it's about the kids. At least she can't say that I'm doing all this to get laid! Of course, if you actually still give a shit about your marriage, this is probably stunningly bad advice. All that's left of mine is the smoldering wreckage after I cratered ours into the ground.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2018 22:34:06 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. And what if you /did/ just want sex when you did those things?? What’s so wrong with that? She is your wife after all. I just have no respect for women who won’t have sex with their otherwise loving husbands. Grrrr. Don’t get me started. Marriage is for sex folks. SEX!!!
|
|
|
Post by ihadalove on Jul 23, 2018 22:43:10 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. And what if you /did/ just want sex when you did those things?? What’s so wrong with that? She is your wife after all. I just have no respect for women who won’t have sex with their otherwise loving husbands. Grrrr. Don’t get me started. Marriage is for sex folks. SEX!!! Good point, what's wrong with it?
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jul 23, 2018 22:48:32 GMT -5
I recall accusations that I just wanted sex, as if it was something evil, early in my marriage. Do not do what I did, which was back off and be more understanding of her lack of need than I was about my own needs. That did not work well for me.
And, yes, welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of.
|
|
thefire24
Junior Member
Posts: 28
Age Range: 36-40
|
Agenda?
Jul 23, 2018 22:50:47 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by thefire24 on Jul 23, 2018 22:50:47 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. And what if you /did/ just want sex when you did those things?? What’s so wrong with that? She is your wife after all. I just have no respect for women who won’t have sex with their otherwise loving husbands. Grrrr. Don’t get me started. Marriage is for sex folks. SEX!!!
|
|
thefire24
Junior Member
Posts: 28
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by thefire24 on Jul 23, 2018 22:57:05 GMT -5
I totally agree wanting sex should be celebrated. For those of us who truly need sex and intimacy it’s painful to not be wanted and desired. To have our needs met with scorn. The thing is I want and cherish the other parts of a relationship as well. I don’t do those things just because I’m horny. Yet I don’t want feel wrong for my basic needs and desires. They were all wrapped up in the commitment to each other.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 23, 2018 23:10:10 GMT -5
I totally agree wanting sex should be celebrated. For those of us who truly need sex and intimacy it’s painful to not be wanted and desired. To have our needs met with scorn. The thing is I want and cherish the other parts of a relationship as well. I don’t do those things just because I’m horny. Yet I don’t want feel wrong for my basic needs and desires. They were all wrapped up in the commitment to each other. Well at this stage of what you've told us Brother thefire24 , it would seem that there is a fundamental incompatibility as far as sex goes. You value it and want it. She does not value it or want it. You seem to think that she "should" value it and want it. She perhaps, thinks that you should not value it or want it at the levels you do. So who's "right" ? And is you (or her) being "right" going to do anything to advance a resolution to the impasse ? The canary is starting to look a tad ill here. What else is going on in your deal other than the sex issue ?
|
|
thefire24
Junior Member
Posts: 28
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by thefire24 on Jul 23, 2018 23:14:29 GMT -5
I should say I do believe this is what she thinks. I don’t think she’s saying it to throw it in my face. She was raised in a religiously repressive household. Our early experience was exciting and somewhat experimental but I think that might have been her rebellious phase. Now later in life as a mother with responsibilities things have changed. I worry that she’s asexual or borderline so. No excuses though I’m sick of expressing my needs and feeling let down.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jul 24, 2018 0:25:55 GMT -5
I am not ready to tell you to call it quits. I do not know enough of your story. But, I think you should be very clear to your wife that this is a deal breaker. Do not threaten divorce. If you do not have kids, try not to have them now.
Set a timeline for yourself regarding what improvements you want, but don't tell her when. She may fake the minimum standards then cool off, believing she met the goal and can stop trying. The long term goal should not just be sex, but be a sexual desire for each other. She should not try. She should want. There is a huge difference between having sex with a partner that begrudgingly puts out and a partner that wants you.
Edit: oops. A mother. Got it. Sorry, my friend. I tried not to wreck my family, too, but you may reach a point where it is better for the kids if you separate, assuming she does not get her act together.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Jul 24, 2018 1:04:39 GMT -5
I should say I do believe this is what she thinks. I don’t think she’s saying it to throw it in my face. She was raised in a religiously repressive household. Our early experience was exciting and somewhat experimental but I think that might have been her rebellious phase. Now later in life as a mother with responsibilities things have changed. I worry that she’s asexual or borderline so. No excuses though I’m sick of expressing my needs and feeling let down. Welcome. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting a normal sex life. Your wife is the one with the problem. Unfortunately it's your problem too unless she puts in much more effort than most refusers here and works hard to change her libido or repressive attitudes.
|
|
|
Post by csl on Jul 24, 2018 22:18:44 GMT -5
Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. My wife now accuses or, actually thinks I have an agenda towards sex in almost any situation. She accuses me of only giving her a hug because I want to get laid. Kind words about the way she looks or something she’s done, because I want sex. Cuddle and watch a movie together...sex. I can’t deny that I want sex, it has been a long while. But that’s not the reason for most of my actions towards her. Its gotten to the point I just want to leave her alone and not be around her. Not having a decent sex life is bad, feeling like shit about advocating for your needs is worse, but feeling like my my actions are always questioned this way is intolerable. three years ago, i wrote a post for my blog about the "all you think about is sex" accusation. the best comeback to that is "all you think about is NOT having sex."
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 24, 2018 22:34:42 GMT -5
"I’m sick of expressing my needs and feeling let down."
The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. It's not likely your wife is going to change her view that sex is something negative.
You can choose to change your own view. You right now are acting as if your wife's response makes sense. It does not. Sex is a good part of marriage. It's normal to do romantic and loving things in marriage in hopes of getting sex. Your stopping acting as if your wife's statement about your wanting sex reflects something negative about you would be a first step in gaining clarification about whether your marriage fits you.
My post SM partner and I have a joke. I say, "You want sex again? We've had it every day this week!"
He says, "And your point is....?"
And then we laugh and engage -- in sex!
Yes, sex is normal, enjoyable and expected in romantic relationships!
|
|