We should remember one member over the last year that was able to fix her sexless marriage to at least some degree. tiredoftears husband turned out to have a sort of cuck fetish. He began supporting his wife's outsourcing, and started having sex with her again.
I have no idea how the story turned out. It is certainly an outlier, but I am optimistic that they found an arrangement that, no matter how unorthodox, worked for them.
Thank you for the comments! Still going great! We get along fabulously now! I visit a dungeon twice a month, have a playmate that comes over a few days a week!
shynjdude - I seriously doubt your 4-5% estimate. Based on 4 years now reading various SM venues.
One of the reasons it is so low is that very few people are truly willing to put their marriage on the line. TL2 strongly implied here that his turnaround miraculously coincided with his decision to walk if nothing improved. Same with h .
You don't have to give a fuck me or else ultimatum (which may not be a good idea anyway). The important thing is that you have a mindset that you are truly (no bullshit, no mental masturbation) prepared to imminently walk. That mindset will not go unnoticed by your refuser, and it will change how you deal with your refuser. Usually their heels are dug in so deep with their validation to enforce celibacy that it doesn't matter. But on rare occasions it works.
I've seen very few even claimed recoveries that did not involve a strong resolve to leave. And one person's claimed recovery is more often than not another person's duty sex. So when you look for and count recoveries you have to vet them very carefully.
Last Edit: Jul 25, 2018 11:07:14 GMT -5 by beachguy
timeforliving2 I think your comment is so valuable and I hope a lot of people see it.
Thanks. I learned a lot from the EP group back in the day... so many posts, chats, and discussions. Without it who knows what my life would be today, but I would probably be posting about a nearly 25 year SM rather than a 19 year SM. I've got to pay it forward in this successor ILIASM Forum group and help others with my own perspective and advice when I can. Everyone's SM situation is different / unique but there are common threads and themes throughout. The hard part is trying to absorb everything and make an educated decision about how you want to apply it to your specific SM. That takes time, reflection, discussion, reading, learning, and self-awareness /self-understanding.... among many other things (the list goes on). One key take-away though is you can't "wait" forever and "hope" things will change. You've got to, at some point, take action and come up with a few strategies to addresses the situation. You have to also come up with a Plan A, a Plan B, and maybe even a Plan C... and to resolve ahead of time to be OK with those Plan B and Plan C situations if they play out. And you have to have time limits for your Plans A, B and C. In my situation Plan A = joint counseling. Plan B = separation. Plan C = divorce. I never did proceed to Plan B but I came awfully close and I would have been (I was ready to be) OK with that.
I did mention quite a few things in my prior post last night about my SM, the turnaround, compatibility, and my current status. I hope a lot of people see it too.... Hope it all helps!
I adopted this TWIST on the traditional Serenity Prayer: "I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept." Life goes on. Time marches on. No more status quo. It's time for living.
Post by ironhamster on Jul 25, 2018 21:28:38 GMT -5
There are two types of people that come to this forum,those that separate us into two groups of people and those that do not.
I know we all come here because we have a common problem, and are seeking the magic solution. In my year here, and previous year of searching, I have seen a lot of reasons for the problem. Some are solvable. Some are so minor that the refused has a "no fucking way" response to my description of my situation. So, if we include the guy whose wife is pissed because he refuses to buy her the shiny new car, and people in his situation, I could see a 5% rate of recovery. Some folks have great sex then end up in a dry spell.
Most of our situations are not dry spells. We have fundamental differences with our spouses that we glossed over and struggled to accommodate. For some subsets, the recovery rate is precisely zero.
If the story of esteemed Brother timeforliving2 tells us (in the turnaround scenario) anything, it tells us this. You have to be prepared to put the marriage on the line and be prepared to walk away from it.
If the story of our esteemed Sister choosinghappy tells us (in the failed turnaround scenario) anything, it tells us this. You have to be prepared to put the marriage on the line and be prepared to walk away from it.
That is the underlying truth in the various incarnations of ILIASM shitholes. If you want to bring the thing to resolution, you have to be prepared to put it on the line and be prepared to walk away from it.
If you are NOT prepared to put the marriage on the line and be prepared to walk away from it (and that is a perfectly valid position to take) then you will NOT be able to resolve it.
These are not cases where brinkmanship or bluff or bullshit have any place. If you are not prepared to put the marriage on the line and be prepared to walk away from it (and that is a perfectly valid position to take) then don't try and bullshit your spouse that you are ready to do this. More to the point, don't bullshit yourself either.
This is deadly serious shit we are dealing with.
Ooooh ! PS. I just saw that the former Sister lonelywifey has changed her name to choosinghappy. Well done Sis.
worksforme2: hey nancyb, how are things perkolating with the older gentleman you spoke of a while back?
Jul 28, 2018 18:25:32 GMT -5
nancyb: worksforme2: Relationship died when we had a difference in opinion regarding UFO's and extraterrestrial beings. LOL I weighed in on the nay side and he believed they walk amongst us.
Jul 30, 2018 5:51:07 GMT -5
bc: I can’t stop laughing...go ahead, micromanage and analyze that marriage and see what she will do for you.
Jul 30, 2018 8:17:58 GMT -5
Dan: I think I'd have to see how good a new girlfriend was in the sack before I crossed her off the list -- or kicked her out of bed -- for believing in UFOs. I guess that makes me... male!
Jul 30, 2018 21:25:05 GMT -5
solodriver: It's been so long for me, I might see UFOs my first time. lol
Jul 31, 2018 1:42:47 GMT -5
beachguy: nancyb: He's right. It's all in the X Files, if you care to look.
Jul 31, 2018 3:45:13 GMT -5
nancyb: Dan: It was a tough decision, he was a good lover but the craziness ended things. Been dating since but nothing serious. I paint a lot.
Jul 31, 2018 5:57:00 GMT -5
petrushka: Thing is, someone being a fruit-loop about something like UFOs usually is not confined to one area; even if it is not immediately obvious. People who are nutty about one thing can go off at a tangent any time, I found (...out the hard way).
Jul 31, 2018 7:39:29 GMT -5
greatcoastal: nancyb: Sounds like you Identified a Fucking Object for what it truly is!
Jul 31, 2018 8:25:25 GMT -5
worksforme2: nancyb,...I am going to paint my living room soon as I can decide on the color.
Jul 31, 2018 19:15:08 GMT -5
worksforme2: When it comes to UFO's we always hear about "little green men", why are there never any "little green women"?
Aug 1, 2018 6:21:15 GMT -5
solodriver: I think I recall an episode of "Lost In Space where Dr. Smith was being chased by a green woman
Aug 1, 2018 21:29:17 GMT -5