catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 20, 2018 19:01:57 GMT -5
Anyone have a refuser spouse who asks, “Still love me?”
I always say yes, of course, and offer reassurance. Every once in a while, I say “yeah. You still love me?”
It feels weird to me when it happens. We’re (chastely) affectionate, friendly, get along well, and say “I love you” frequently. I don’t know what he’s looking for and I won’t play head games. I just refuse to. I’m pretty much WYSIWYG. Is he testing me?
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 20, 2018 19:11:04 GMT -5
In my opinion, yes. He is testing you. If you are not responding that you love him, too, you are sending the message that he is losing his grip on you. Good job. The next question is, "what will he do about that?" My bet is, nothing. He has been able to do and not do the same thing for so long and get away with it, that even with an obvious warning it will be hard to change course.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 20, 2018 20:15:57 GMT -5
I get a "still like me" sometimes after fights about sex. Awkward.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 20, 2018 20:52:42 GMT -5
"Anyone have a refuser spouse who asks, “Still love me?”
I always say yes, of course, and offer reassurance. Every once in a while, I say “yeah. You still love me?”:
Do you still love him in a romantic/sexual way like a spouse? If not, tell the truth. It is not your job to spare his feelings. It's your job to take care of yourself, to be the best you you can be, and to live the best life you can.
It is not your job to spare his feelings and protect him from the consequences of his actions.
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Post by baza on Jul 20, 2018 21:39:51 GMT -5
Back in the day this - "do you love me ?" - would come up.
And, given that I had no plan to get out, no alternative, I'd mouth the appropriate words.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 20, 2018 21:57:34 GMT -5
Back when I actually did love her, she never had to because I did my best to make her feel secure and loved in our marriage. Once the wheels came off the relationship and my love turned to ashes, I made it abundantly clear what the answer to that question would be. So she never asked it, probably so that she could keep her head buried in the sand and pretend everything was still okay.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 20, 2018 23:05:55 GMT -5
Back when I actually did love her, she never had to because I did my best to make her feel secure and loved in our marriage. Once the wheels came off the relationship and my love turned to ashes, I made it abundantly clear what the answer to that question would be. So she never asked it, probably so that she could keep her head buried in the sand and pretend everything was still okay. Oh. Light bulb just went off. (Also, “duh” to me.) He is asking this because he’s feeling insecure (as a refuser should expect when his/her spouse is getting their shit together). Mmm hm.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 20, 2018 23:09:53 GMT -5
"Anyone have a refuser spouse who asks, “Still love me?” I always say yes, of course, and offer reassurance. Every once in a while, I say “yeah. You still love me?”: Do you still love him in a romantic/sexual way like a spouse? If not, tell the truth. It is not your job to spare his feelings. It's your job to take care of yourself, to be the best you you can be, and to live the best life you can. It is not your job to spare his feelings and protect him from the consequences of his actions. I do still love him deeply. The romantic feelings are dwindling as time goes on. And the sexual feelings have been trained out of me. It would be a hard conversation to have with him. Truth is hard. And I guess I still have hope.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 20, 2018 23:10:55 GMT -5
Back in the day this - "do you love me ?" - would come up. And, given that I had no plan to get out, no alternative, I'd mouth the appropriate words. Maintaining status quo. I totally get that.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 20, 2018 23:11:48 GMT -5
I get a "still like me" sometimes after fights about sex. Awkward. Yeah, that’s awkward.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 23, 2018 20:14:35 GMT -5
catsloveme - I get I love you, all the time from her. She won't let me out of the house without a tight lipped kiss. She loves me until bed time... Then I get my three quick goodnight kisses (We just always have...) and then the back or worse she puts her feet or butt on me but if I go in for the grab. I am chastised. I am such a chump...
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Post by workingonit on Jul 23, 2018 20:31:51 GMT -5
I have stopped responding to the casual "love you" s that accompany any end of a phone call or my leaving etc. I do love him but not like a husband. Also those little comforts and reasurances are empty and I find them annoying. He has not even said anything about the fact that I am not responding.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 24, 2018 5:14:30 GMT -5
I have stopped responding to the casual "love you" s that accompany any end of a phone call or my leaving etc. I do love him but not like a husband. Also those little comforts and reasurances are empty and I find them annoying. He has not even said anything about the fact that I am not responding. This is what happened towards the end of my marriage too. I stopped responding to that and also to “I miss you” when he was traveling. I knew he didn’t truly miss me and I certainly wasn’t missing him so I stopped agreeing to go along with the facade. He never commented on it.
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Post by wom360 on Jul 24, 2018 22:51:57 GMT -5
I would say head games are exactly what this is. Stop sparing his feelings or reassuring him.
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Post by Carol on Jul 24, 2018 23:45:30 GMT -5
He tells me he loves me all the time. It makes me very uncomfortable and I told him that but yet he still does it. When he asks if I love him, I pretty much just say “yeah” and I leave it al that. I do love him but I have told him that I do not love him in a way a wife should love husband.
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