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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 22, 2018 13:20:16 GMT -5
Honestly, I've stopped initiating at this point. She's usually in bed by 10 in another bedroom. The subject of our lack of a sex life came up again during a walk the other night. She apparently just wants to go out and have fun together and "date" and talk about other people's problems and completely ignore the fact that our marriage is sexless and not talk about it. Whenever I raise the issue (and I've tried to raise it very politely that I am deeply concerned about it) she gets angry. During the walk I'd finally had enough. She basically yelled (nice and loud so all the neighbors could hear), "What you just wanna go fuck? Is that what you want, for me to fuck you? Fine!" At least I felt like I was getting somewhere....angry sex can be good right? Sadly no sex thereafter. Maybe for the better? I told her "I guess we're done then". We haven't spoken about it since, yet went out Friday night and actually had a nice time, but again, no sex. Very bizarre times I'm living in. I have these same bizarre times. We go out on dates and have a great time, will cuddle on the coach and watch a movie or go explore on our boat out in the ocean, but through all of that, not sex.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 22, 2018 14:32:09 GMT -5
If I initiated more, I think I have a chance to maybe have sex as often as once a month! In all seriousness, maybe I can change the course of our downward spiral. How do you get the motivation to initiate when you really just don't want to get rejected and feel awkward about it. Probably sounds a bit stupid, but some advise would help. BTW, my wife is attractive so at least I don't have to get past an attraction issue. One of the ways I received enough motivation to attempt to initiate was through our marriage counselling. My now ex, got to plan a weekend together. It ended up being all kids and there was "zero" communication between H and W. Then came my weekend. No kids and a definite agreement that there would be sex and intimacy. Not to go into it, but the treatment I received was cold, calculated, a poor excuse for a reset, and opened up some of the harshest, most vile ,barbaric , words and selfish attitude that sealed the deal. (What was extremely helpful was to have a counselor who thought my ex just took all our 'progress' and threw it out the window.) No one wants that! I do not wish that on you.....However, if..if, that's what it takes to confirm the truth, than better to endure the short term pain of the truth and then recover from it. learning and knowing that you are not the one with the bigger problem. Do the planning. Just the two of you, overnight in a local hotel, something! let her know " I want this to be a romantic evening. I want to have sex after dinner and before bed. I want you to take your clothes off when we get back to our room. I want you to be waiting on the bed for me when I come out naked from the bathroom. You need to desire me and touch me. I want sex in the morning before we get out of the bed.". Be specific. Give her zero room for excuses. It may happen or maybe not. You might receive a slew of excuses, or she may submit enough to 'get the job done'. You will have more and more of your questions answered. Including your desire to now have what you deem 'normal' sex and she will be right back with the rejection.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 22, 2018 15:13:20 GMT -5
I was in a 34-year marriage, the last 8 years of which were completely sexless. The years before that included a 5-year stretch of complete sexlessness and many years that met the medical definition of SMs, 10 or fewer fucks a year
What I did to prepare for finally having sex again was masturbating while imagining myself with a wonderful lover whom I was very responsive to.
When I finally did have sex again, it was really like riding a bicycle again, except it was like riding a professional bike instead of a badly repaired bike from Goodwill. I finally ahd a partner who wanted to be sexual with me and who appreciated my body and enjoyed exploring it. I had no problem with any aspect of it. It was the best sex I've ever had in my life. Five years later, we are living together and continue to have a fulfilling sex life even though we are 66, 67.
One thing that I think helped me: I did not tell him about my SM until months after we started having sex. I felt I would be more anxious and feel more awkward if he knew how long it had been for me. Instead, I acted like I was sexually confident and, unlike my h, my partner was delighted, not frightened to have a partner who was passionate, creative and loved sex.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 22, 2018 15:57:06 GMT -5
I guess if you are in a certain class and want to stay in that class and date in that class then, yes, your financial situation is important. That has never been a thing for me so I don't think I can answer that for you. But the stereotype that all men want a woman for is looks turns out to be not so true. There are men who can still feel attracted to cellulite and laugh lines because they see the person she is and think she is beautiful as a whole. I think the stereotype that women want men to be wealthy is likely similar. When we look past the externals and really see someone, all that stuff stops being so important, IMHO. I do wholeheartedly agree and I always look more on the inside than the outside. Passion, love and sexual energy comes from the inside. I admit that the outside can help attract initially, but so can being friendly, flirting and truly seeing what another person has on the inside.
I've been asked by family members when I was dating: "What do you see in her?" My answer: "More than you'll even know!" They were the hottest women I enjoyed spending my time with. The lovemaking was incredible with them.
And at one time my refuser was that way also. But it faded away to nothing and she's not even the same woman I met so long ago. That's the saddest part for me to deal with.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 22, 2018 16:11:03 GMT -5
After many years of sexless marriage, it felt odd at first having sex post sexless marriage. I felt like I should have years more experience that I missed out on by being in a sexless marriage. I feel this way and it has not been that many years of sexless marriage. I can't imagine how it felt for you. The last time I had sex with my wife was August 2001.
I know I will feel awkward the next time I get to have sex, but I can overcome that and with the right lover, I know it will be ok and wonderful and exciting and passionate.
I feel a little like a kid waiting for Christmas Day to arrive.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 22, 2018 16:14:13 GMT -5
Honestly, I've stopped initiating at this point. She's usually in bed by 10 in another bedroom. The subject of our lack of a sex life came up again during a walk the other night. She apparently just wants to go out and have fun together and "date" and talk about other people's problems and completely ignore the fact that our marriage is sexless and not talk about it. Whenever I raise the issue (and I've tried to raise it very politely that I am deeply concerned about it) she gets angry. During the walk I'd finally had enough. She basically yelled (nice and loud so all the neighbors could hear), "What you just wanna go fuck? Is that what you want, for me to fuck you? Fine!" At least I felt like I was getting somewhere....angry sex can be good right? Sadly no sex thereafter. Maybe for the better? I told her "I guess we're done then". We haven't spoken about it since, yet went out Friday night and actually had a nice time, but again, no sex. Very bizarre times I'm living in. I have these same bizarre times. We go out on dates and have a great time, will cuddle on the coach and watch a movie or go explore on our boat out in the ocean, but through all of that, not sex. Now my wife and I don't even do that. She's lost all interest in going anywhere or doing anything.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 22, 2018 16:19:40 GMT -5
Honestly, I've stopped initiating at this point. She's usually in bed by 10 in another bedroom. The subject of our lack of a sex life came up again during a walk the other night. She apparently just wants to go out and have fun together and "date" and talk about other people's problems and completely ignore the fact that our marriage is sexless and not talk about it. Whenever I raise the issue (and I've tried to raise it very politely that I am deeply concerned about it) she gets angry. During the walk I'd finally had enough. She basically yelled (nice and loud so all the neighbors could hear), "What you just wanna go fuck? Is that what you want, for me to fuck you? Fine!" At least I felt like I was getting somewhere....angry sex can be good right? Sadly no sex thereafter. Maybe for the better? I told her "I guess we're done then". We haven't spoken about it since, yet went out Friday night and actually had a nice time, but again, no sex. Very bizarre times I'm living in. I have these same bizarre times. We go out on dates and have a great time, will cuddle on the coach and watch a movie or go explore on our boat out in the ocean, but through all of that, not sex. I'm glad my wife and I don't do those things, because it would really piss me off. Sex, to me, is one of the ultimate joys of a marriage relationship and if it's not there, it's just a platonic friendship. Nothing wrong with having those, but not in a marriage.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 22, 2018 16:21:43 GMT -5
I feel this way and it has not been that many years of sexless marriage. I can't imagine how it felt for you. The good news is it's "just like riding a bicycle" as the saying goes and I feel back to a normal sexual being. I'm looking forward to that.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 23, 2018 1:25:48 GMT -5
I understand the money-isn't-everything sentiment, but isn't it true that females are attracted to high-status men, and that money and the things it enables are markers of status? How much of a role do you women think that plays, consciously or subconsciously, in your attraction to a man? I'm not so disappointed by having less money, per se, but I am a little concerned that status changes will negatively impact my appeal and ability to find a partner. Some women are attracted to guys with money. But if that's all a woman wants, personally, I'd steer clear.
Any woman with half a brain realizes that divorces are sometimes costly. odds are you'll be dating women post divorce who have been through the financial wringer themselves and can feel your pain. You want a lover and a partner next time around-not a gold digger. Right? They are out there.
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 23, 2018 3:30:30 GMT -5
If I initiated more, I think I have a chance to maybe have sex as often as once a month! In all seriousness, maybe I can change the course of our downward spiral. How do you get the motivation to initiate when you really just don't want to get rejected and feel awkward about it. Probably sounds a bit stupid, but some advise would help. BTW, my wife is attractive so at least I don't have to get past an attraction issue. One of the ways I received enough motivation to attempt to initiate was through our marriage counselling. My now ex, got to plan a weekend together. It ended up being all kids and there was "zero" communication between H and W. Then came my weekend. No kids and a definite agreement that there would be sex and intimacy. Not to go into it, but the treatment I received was cold, calculated, a poor excuse for a reset, and opened up some of the harshest, most vile ,barbaric , words and selfish attitude that sealed the deal. (What was extremely helpful was to have a counselor who thought my ex just took all our 'progress' and threw it out the window.) No one wants that! I do not wish that on you.....However, if..if, that's what it takes to confirm the truth, than better to endure the short term pain of the truth and then recover from it. learning and knowing that you are not the one with the bigger problem. Do the planning. Just the two of you, overnight in a local hotel, something! let her know " I want this to be a romantic evening. I want to have sex after dinner and before bed. I want you to take your clothes off when we get back to our room. I want you to be waiting on the bed for me when I come out naked from the bathroom. You need to desire me and touch me. I want sex in the morning before we get out of the bed.". Be specific. Give her zero room for excuses. It may happen or maybe not. You might receive a slew of excuses, or she may submit enough to 'get the job done'. You will have more and more of your questions answered. Including your desire to now have what you deem 'normal' sex and she will be right back with the rejection. Good perspective. Knowing for sure is better then pretending or making assumptions. Thanks!
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 23, 2018 3:34:23 GMT -5
I feel this way and it has not been that many years of sexless marriage. I can't imagine how it felt for you. The last time I had sex with my wife was August 2001.
I know I will feel awkward the next time I get to have sex, but I can overcome that and with the right lover, I know it will be ok and wonderful and exciting and passionate.
I feel a little like a kid waiting for Christmas Day to arrive.
Unlike your sex life, Christmas at least comes once a year. I can't imagine not having sex for that long. I would outsource or divorce before it was that long.
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 23, 2018 3:37:35 GMT -5
I understand the money-isn't-everything sentiment, but isn't it true that females are attracted to high-status men, and that money and the things it enables are markers of status? How much of a role do you women think that plays, consciously or subconsciously, in your attraction to a man? I'm not so disappointed by having less money, per se, but I am a little concerned that status changes will negatively impact my appeal and ability to find a partner. Some women are attracted to guys with money. But if that's all a woman wants, personally, I'd steer clear.
Any woman with half a brain realizes that divorces are sometimes costly. odds are you'll be dating women post divorce who have been through the financial wringer themselves and can feel your pain. You want a lover and a partner next time around-not a gold digger. Right? They are out there.
Well said. Any girl that is attracted to you just for money is not worth a long term relationship. If she wants someone with money and you want an attractive lady for sex the trade may work out for a while, until you are low on money or her attractiveness fades.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 23, 2018 9:45:52 GMT -5
“...as soon as someone tells me, "you WILL" do anything, my immediate reaction (and I think this is general human nature) is to strongly not want to do whatever follows those words.” [/quote]
Agreed. Unless of course you’re in the right mood 😈
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Post by beachguy on Jul 23, 2018 10:49:58 GMT -5
I figure that at least ups your odds of success from 0% to 0.001%. Yeah, that's about right. Puts all the plotting and scheming into perspective.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 23, 2018 11:27:59 GMT -5
I think you are missing the big picture. All the way back to setting boundaries and having healthy expectations of intimacy and sex in a marriage from the beginning.
Sadly far to many of the people here are the ones who have been told " I refuse to have intimacy and sex with you and you must/will comply".
The response from the spouse ,who sees their duty to please their spouse at all costs, is when told to jump they ask " how high?"
Or in this case, " I want a man who will take the lead, but he better do what I tell him too!".
Then look who is the one sleeping with an airless inflatable doll (the rejector) in their bed for the next 20 yrs? The rejected.
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