nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 17, 2018 1:56:23 GMT -5
i'm trying to be nice to her, as much as i can. i called her during the day and asked "how r things" and she sounded surprised.
i'll only start "the talk" and possibly marriage counseling and possibly divorce 6 months later due to logistical reasons. but i read that the "leaver" has more time to deal with grief, so the "leaver" is probably in a more advanced stage of grief than the "left".
despite the wife having an explosive temper and being low libido, i do love her and want the best for her (like loving a close relative). i want her to have enough time to go through the grief cycle (if our sex-marriage relationship is truly dead) towards acceptance, b4 filing the papers for divorce.
this sounds so overly idealistic. anyone has any experience (1st or 2nd hand will do) in this?
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Post by baza on Jul 17, 2018 2:28:31 GMT -5
The grieving for a lost (or never was) relationship is a very individual thing, and as variable as the persons going through the process. I went at my speed, my missus went at hers. You will go at your pace Brother nicky . Your missus will go at her pace. And there is very little, if any, influence you can exercise over that. Obviously, the sooner you tell her, the more time she has to process the situation. Just as obviously, if you make the big announcement ill prepared, you provide her with extra notice for her to chuck a spanner in the works and bring it all to a halt. Suggestion. Get your legal advice and all the other preparatory stuff done and in do-able shape before you say a word. Even then, don't say anything that you are not - absolutely - prepared to do. How she processes her grief etc is her problem. You have quite enough of your own problems here.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 17, 2018 2:53:54 GMT -5
“despite the wife having an explosive temper and being low libido, i do love her and want the best for her (like loving a close relative). i want her to have enough time to go through the grief cycle (if our sex-marriage relationship is truly dead) towards acceptance, b4 filing the papers for divorce.”
You can’t manage her grief. Many people never get through it. How it’s managed depends on each person not others. For some, staying in a marriage limbo would result in their denying a divorce willl occur as indeed it will not if their partner waits for them to achieve a certain emotional state.
Also, if you wait for her to reach a certain level of acceptance if she doesn’t want a divorce it would be to her advantage to never reach that state.
Life happens . All relationships end through death or divorce. Death doesn’t wait to happen until a certain stage of grief is reached.
Given that you wife railed at a maid for 2 hours over something trivial, I suspect you are delaying the divorce out o fear of her aiming her temper at you. I wish you would tape and otherwise document your wife’s behavior so you could divorce with full custody instead of cowardly leaving your children to be mainly raised by her. Your wife’s low libido is a trivial problem compared to her verbal abuse and anger management problems. Documenting her behavior and working with a lawyer who would help you get custody is the way to go not figuring out how you can quietly leave a wife whose behavior problems put your children at risk.
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nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 17, 2018 5:39:14 GMT -5
i've asked for legal advice already but i don't think i can get full custody. wife's not crazy enough. i want to fix the sex-marriage if i still can, if wife's still willing to go through marriage counseling once more. but if the marriage can't be fixed i don't want a 'high-conflict divorce' bcoz there are 2 young kids involved.
i'm glad the wife took out her anger on the maid instead of me or the kids. i'll let the wife do it again (and she undoubtedly will), coz the maid is in a paid job and can leave if she can't take it anymore. maybe it's callous of me to let the maid suffer, but i hired 2 maids doing 1 maid's job, fully knowing the real job is dealing with the wife's unpleasant emotions. ok not really i'll intervene when i'm not too depressed, like last night, i intervened when wife started to get emotional with the maid and i stepped in between them, taking the maid away from wife and dealt with the simple logistical problems myself. and ok i understand i must grow some balls.
however, i just want some time for the wife to digest the reality that things are so bad for me i'm thinking of leaving. i don't want her to feel i'm taking her by surprise. does it make any sense?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 17, 2018 5:51:15 GMT -5
“i've asked for legal advice already but i don't think i can get full custody. wife's not crazy enough.”
Video or audiotape her next rant and take it to a lawyer. If that lawyer doesn’t get it, find a lawyer who is successful at helping men get custody. You need to fight for your children’s welfare. They cannot protect themselves from your wife’s explosive temper and you are fooling yourself if you think your wife’s behavior is not hurting them. It is inconceivable that your wife does not lash out at your kids at least as cruelly as she lashed out on your maid. Kids are more defenseless than adult employees.
What does not make sense is your lack of concern for your kids and your lack of action to protect your children. You are so passive because you are a coward and you don’t want your wife’s explosive anger to be directed at you. If you were concerned about the kids, you’d be focused on finding a lawyer who would help you get custody. You would be documenting your wife’s out of control behavior. That would be your focus, not whether your wife is grief stricken over the divorce that you want Due to her failure to fuck you, not her out of control behavior.
Your wife’s explosive temper means you will have a high conflict divorce. She ranted for 2 hours when a maid was a few minutes late preparing lunch. Of course she is going to be explosive for a long time when she realizes you are divorcing her.
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Post by baza on Jul 17, 2018 6:08:54 GMT -5
It might also be worth you looking at Brother james run of stories. Whilst he was trying to figure out how to nicely and respectfully give his missus plenty of notice and show what a thoughtful and compassionate bloke he was, his missus was taking legal advice and struck pre-emtively, as it suited her to do so. Being a good bloke is one thing. Being a sitting duck is another. Your missus is going to continue to do precisely what she wants to. That's the ground rule she has established. Best you do the same or you'll get fucked over.
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nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 17, 2018 6:28:36 GMT -5
thx.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 17, 2018 8:41:35 GMT -5
i'm trying to be nice to her, as much as i can. i called her during the day and asked "how r things" and she sounded surprised. i'll only start "the talk" and possibly marriage counseling and possibly divorce 6 months later due to logistical reasons. but i read that the "leaver" has more time to deal with grief, so the "leaver" is probably in a more advanced stage of grief than the "left". despite the wife having an explosive temper and being low libido, i do love her and want the best for her (like loving a close relative). i want her to have enough time to go through the grief cycle (if our sex-marriage relationship is truly dead) towards acceptance, b4 filing the papers for divorce. this sounds so overly idealistic. anyone has any experience (1st or 2nd hand will do) in this? Here is first and second hand.... First hand, my ex was shell-shocked when I told her I wanted a divorce. I originally gave her 18 months to get a job, get on her feet, etc. Rather than "grieve" she didn't do a thing to get a job. She figured she had all the time in the world. She began to try to screw around on the money, and I cut it down to 7 months. Is she still grieving? Did she ever really grieve? No idea. I'll never know inside her head. For ballofconfusion her ex stated directly to her that she'd had years to come to terms with the end of the marriage and everyone else is playing catch up. We think that is probably true. Our original position was to push each of our families to accept that we were together. We, unsurprisingly, got some push back on this. Our approach now is a slow integration as our kids accept the new reality at their own pace. But if you want to wait until everyone has properly "grieved" with the final stage of "acceptance" reached, it will take much longer than just pulling the bandage off. Just my opinion from my first (and second) hand experience.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 17, 2018 8:56:30 GMT -5
Don’t wait until she has processed the grief you need to focus on yourself. My ex was blindsided by the divorce. After I told him he was extremely sad and told me he didn’t know how he could live without me and how sad he was. (In my eyes emotional blackmail/ guilt) I responded with - “The sadness you have experienced in the past 24 hours, I have felt for over 20 years and you will be fine without me”.
He was. Life goes on after divorce and it’s not the end of the world just the end of a crappy marriage.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 17, 2018 9:16:34 GMT -5
nicky, in most jurisdictions divorce is not a fast process. She will have plenty of time to grieve her failure, before and after. It seems like what you’re really wanting here is for the conclusion to become so obvious that you don’t have to make a decision, to be the bad guy. You’re not going to get a pass on that if you take the lead. Meanwhile, letting things deteriorate to the point that even she sees it’s necessary... that will make an ugly situation worse - the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. And in the process, she’s more likely to use the advance warning against you.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 17, 2018 10:00:09 GMT -5
i've asked for legal advice already but i don't think i can get full custody. wife's not crazy enough. i want to fix the sex-marriage if i still can, if wife's still willing to go through marriage counseling once more. but if the marriage can't be fixed i don't want a 'high-conflict divorce' bcoz there are 2 young kids involved. i'm glad the wife took out her anger on the maid instead of me or the kids. i'll let the wife do it again (and she undoubtedly will), coz the maid is in a paid job and can leave if she can't take it anymore. maybe it's callous of me to let the maid suffer, but i hired 2 maids doing 1 maid's job, fully knowing the real job is dealing with the wife's unpleasant emotions. ok not really i'll intervene when i'm not too depressed, like last night, i intervened when wife started to get emotional with the maid and i stepped in between them, taking the maid away from wife and dealt with the simple logistical problems myself. and ok i understand i must grow some balls. however, i just want some time for the wife to digest the reality that things are so bad for me i'm thinking of leaving. i don't want her to feel i'm taking her by surprise. does it make any sense? Dr Shammy diagnoses Stockholm Syndrome.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 17, 2018 11:32:46 GMT -5
Nicky, individual therapy with a therapist experienced in working with people experienced in working with abused people could give you support, clarification and reduce your stress and depression. You are in need of support. It’s not just your wife who may need help with emotions.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 17, 2018 15:18:03 GMT -5
My ex was blindsided by the divorce. They have to be blindsided... if you do it right you never threaten divorce so that you never shred your cred, as baza likes to say. Result - blindsided when you finally drop the bomb and you're dead serious. "But but but... stutter stutter ... you never TOLD me how unhappy you were!" (bullshit but whatever) If, instead, you constantly threaten the marriage, you will shred your cred. Result - spouse will ignore you, until you drop the bomb. Then they are "blindsided". "But but but... stutter stutter ... you told me numerous times you were so unhappy, you wanted a divorce. But nothing ever came of it so I never took you seriously..." As long as spouses stick their heads in the sand and/or simply refuse to address your needs, they will eventually be blindsided no matter what you do.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 17, 2018 15:30:00 GMT -5
i'm trying to be nice to her, as much as i can. i called her during the day and asked "how r things" and she sounded surprised. i'll only start "the talk" and possibly marriage counseling and possibly divorce 6 months later due to logistical reasons. but i read that the "leaver" has more time to deal with grief, so the "leaver" is probably in a more advanced stage of grief than the "left". despite the wife having an explosive temper and being low libido, i do love her and want the best for her (like loving a close relative). i want her to have enough time to go through the grief cycle (if our sex-marriage relationship is truly dead) towards acceptance, b4 filing the papers for divorce. this sounds so overly idealistic. anyone has any experience (1st or 2nd hand will do) in this? I really think that sexually rejected spouses are the most caring people in the world. Who else would actually care about how the person who intentionally withheld the most basic part of marriage?
My friend, it is very nice that you are trying to help her with the shock of things, but it also sounds like she never cares about how her behavior affects anyone, like how she screams at the maids. I can tell you that people who act like this will take advantage of you as much as they possibly can.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 18, 2018 15:23:44 GMT -5
i'm trying to be nice to her, as much as i can. i called her during the day and asked "how r things" and she sounded surprised. i'll only start "the talk" and possibly marriage counseling and possibly divorce 6 months later due to logistical reasons. but i read that the "leaver" has more time to deal with grief, so the "leaver" is probably in a more advanced stage of grief than the "left". despite the wife having an explosive temper and being low libido, i do love her and want the best for her (like loving a close relative). i want her to have enough time to go through the grief cycle (if our sex-marriage relationship is truly dead) towards acceptance, b4 filing the papers for divorce. this sounds so overly idealistic. anyone has any experience (1st or 2nd hand will do) in this? I really think that sexually rejected spouses are the most caring people in the world. Who else would actually care about how the person who intentionally withheld the most basic part of marriage?
My friend, it is very nice that you are trying to help her with the shock of things, but it also sounds like she never cares about how her behavior affects anyone, like how she screams at the maids. I can tell you that people who act like this will take advantage of you as much as they possibly can.
Until you leave. Then you see the "oh fuck I pushed it too far" look on their face. At least that's what I saw when I explained she will need to get a job.
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