okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 19, 2018 7:48:02 GMT -5
“He has already told me he worries that when he leaves the family will suffer. He is worried for his little brother will have issues because of her and that I will too. I keep telling him he has nothing to do with it and everything will be fine. I don't want that burden on him starting his life. However. I don't think I have another 4-6 years. “ It is wonderful that you tell your older son that he is not responsible for the family’s welfare. Still, whether or not you divorce, you can’t predict the future nor do your actions totally control it. For instance, both of my sons grew up in homes with parents who acted lovingly to each other (very little sexbut there was physical affection and respect and consideration) and the kids, coparented well and collaboratively, participated in volunteer work including at the kids’ schools. One son went away to college on a virtually full ride due to scores and academic talents, got into the partying life, flunked out, found employment 3,000 miles from home, over the next 10 years kept partying and eventually got hooked on meth, became homeless, and eventually turned his life around ironically while his parents were divorcing on the other side of the country. Six years later, he lives 200 miles from me, is employed and in a good relationship. Other son lived at home while volunteering with Americorps after a mediocre high school career in which he performed far below his abilities. Then he went away to college, graduated cum laudecwith awards and since then has succeeded in his career including when the divorce happened a year after he finished college. People — including our offspring — choose their own paths. I suppose that if I had divorced while older son was in high school, I would have blamed myself for his later behavior. But he really chose his own path. What I’ve seen with my kids leads me to question whether parents who delay divorce until kids are grown are in reality doing anything but prolonging their own misery. I am still in the last ditch stage not really ready, and want to try one more thing... I know it might be a waste of time but I feel I have to do it.... I just want to do anything during the transition. Leaving the home to go to college and him being so co-dependent with his mom. I think it is the safest move for him. I understand the path of life I just want him to carry this baggage too. He is going on scholarship and has worked very hard but, I know at this stage he would take as much ownership of our failure as he can hold. I know however he is very social and has already found a large group of friends during a pre college educational trip out of the country. So I an sure he is ready to think of himself first. But I need to see him cut the strings first. If anything I am also worried he will be able to cut them before me.... I give him three months away to see life is better when you can put effort in your own happiness instead of someone else's. And thank you!
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 19, 2018 7:52:25 GMT -5
It is so hard because after around 20 years of struggle and knowing the pain of my parents divorce I had. It is hard to split the family up. We are in a transition with my oldest going to college. I think he already feels the issues between us but I know he will blame himself if we separated. He has already told me he worries that when he leaves the family will suffer. He is worried for his little brother will have issues because of her and that I will too. I keep telling him he has nothing to do with it and everything will be fine. I don't want that burden on him starting his life. However. I don't think I have another 4-6 years. Part of the reason I left was FOR of the kids. At least now they won't have the belief that the fucked (pun intended) image of marriage on display between their mom and I is how marriage should work. I am afraid we have already screwed that up.... We act like we are the most loving parents and mostly like one another. It just stops at intercourse... If anything I show issues because I am getting older and just don't have the patience for it anymore....
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Post by baza on Jul 19, 2018 8:21:53 GMT -5
It is understandable that *you* want to try "one more thing" Brother okiedude to add to all the past "one more things" that you have toiled at manfully over the years. It reads like your missus hasn't tried too many "one more things" of her own over the same period. Can a case be made that whatever it is you are now going to try is "the LAST thing" rather than "one more thing" ?
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 19, 2018 8:28:39 GMT -5
It is understandable that *you* want to try "one more thing" Brother okiedude to add to all the past "one more things" that you have toiled at manfully over the years. It reads like your missus hasn't tried too many "one more things" of her own over the same period. Can a case be made that whatever it is you are now going to try is "the LAST thing" rather than "one more thing" ? Yes I hope it is "LAST" thing. I can't do much more. I am at a crossroad of my own self protection. Either live in the marriage and go down the road of either being miserable and sexless or staying and finding what I need somewhere else and work in the guilt. Or separate and start over finding some one that returns the love I have and need and deal with the divorce issues.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 19, 2018 8:57:58 GMT -5
"Yes I hope it is "LAST" thing. I can't do much more. I am at a crossroad of my own self protection. Either live in the marriage and go down the road of either being miserable and sexless or staying and finding what I need somewhere else and work in the guilt. Or separate and start over finding some one that returns the love I have and need and deal with the divorce issues. "
If protecting your children is paramount on your mind, then delete outsourcing as an option. No matter how careful you are, your kids could find out. They may not even tell you they found out. Speaking from experience: My parents were in a miserable, sexless marriage. My mom insisted on staying together "for the chldren." My dad outsourced, and I accidentally stumbled upon the evidence. It shattered my world and my trust in men. Incidentally, I never told him I knew. Two other friends found evidence of their parents' affairs and never told their parents.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 20, 2018 16:21:19 GMT -5
"Yes I hope it is "LAST" thing. I can't do much more. I am at a crossroad of my own self protection. Either live in the marriage and go down the road of either being miserable and sexless or staying and finding what I need somewhere else and work in the guilt. Or separate and start over finding some one that returns the love I have and need and deal with the divorce issues. " If protecting your children is paramount on your mind, then delete outsourcing as an option. No matter how careful you are, your kids could find out. They may not even tell you they found out. Speaking from experience: My parents were in a miserable, sexless marriage. My mom insisted on staying together "for the chldren." My dad outsourced, and I accidentally stumbled upon the evidence. It shattered my world and my trust in men. Incidentally, I never told him I knew. Two other friends found evidence of their parents' affairs and never told their parents. That is good to know. I really never truly considered it just a thought.... When I get down I think how nice it would be to feel the connection... Really I don't have anyone sometimes. My oldest is off to college my youngest is great but finding himself in High School. And I trave 50-80% all over and nobody even contacts me.... Easy to, on the surface say I am 10 hours from home....
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 20, 2018 19:11:14 GMT -5
Easy to, on the surface say I am 10 hours from home.... In today’s connected world, nothing is 10 hours away from home.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 21, 2018 13:07:20 GMT -5
Easy to, on the surface say I am 10 hours from home.... In today’s connected world, nothing is 10 hours away from home. Exactly
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Post by saarinista on Jul 21, 2018 20:32:19 GMT -5
I get it brother. For your own self respect later you need to know you didn't just bail on someone who was a victim of abuse. I had to do the same and it probably cost me an extra 15 years. At some point, though, you will accept that just because she was a victim does not make you responsible for performing lifetime penance for another man's sins. But I get the need to feel you tried. Just don't linger over those check boxes. It is so hard because after around 20 years of struggle and knowing the pain of my parents divorce I had. It is hard to split the family up. We are in a transition with my oldest going to college. I think he already feels the issues between us but I know he will blame himself if we separated. He has already told me he worries that when he leaves the family will suffer. He is worried for his little brother will have issues because of her and that I will too. I keep telling him he has nothing to do with it and everything will be fine. I don't want that burden on him starting his life. However. I don't think I have another 4-6 years. So, okiedude, are you saying your kids know your marriage is unhappy? And that your son is concerned about his little brother suffering when he leaves for college, I guess because he won't be there to intervene with the family marital disharmony? If in fact that is what you are saying, your being married may already be doing more damage to your son then getting a divorce would. In any event, the best you can do is get family therapy, tell your kids honestly what the deal is whether you stay together or leave, and then be strong enough to accept the way they crank that through their brains. There's no way to guarantee that kids will be okay with your staying together--or with your splitting up. You can't control people's minds. In any event your son has already taken on responsibility for his little brother and, it sounds like, for the happiness of the family, which is really not a healthy thing from everything I've read. This despite the fact that you are married. So that tells me that your marriage is not making your family so perfect. Whether a divorce will make it worse or better, no one can say. Ultimately, however, children are people and they make up their own minds about what they think. I don't have kids but I have certainly seen this in my husband's children. You cannot control people's minds. You can only control your own--and even that is pretty tough to do!
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Post by saarinista on Jul 21, 2018 21:28:31 GMT -5
"Yes I hope it is "LAST" thing. I can't do much more. I am at a crossroad of my own self protection. Either live in the marriage and go down the road of either being miserable and sexless or staying and finding what I need somewhere else and work in the guilt. Or separate and start over finding some one that returns the love I have and need and deal with the divorce issues. " If protecting your children is paramount on your mind, then delete outsourcing as an option. No matter how careful you are, your kids could find out. They may not even tell you they found out. Speaking from experience: My parents were in a miserable, sexless marriage. My mom insisted on staying together "for the chldren." My dad outsourced, and I accidentally stumbled upon the evidence. It shattered my world and my trust in men. Incidentally, I never told him I knew. Two other friends found evidence of their parents' affairs and never told their parents. This is just me, but my parents were in a 59 year marriage where they bickered constantly, and I often wished they would have divorced because it was so tense at home and I was always in the middle as an only child. And I know I have psychological quirks because of that. However, I've gotten therapy and Im doing my best to deal with my issues.
We all have our stuff. No one's parents are perfect, and I believe children need to embrace that fact when they are old enough to understand.
I dont think poeople should necessarily stay for the childreen. I dont think it's always better. Sometmes it's worse. Parents matter too.
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larry101
Junior Member
Posts: 45
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by larry101 on Jun 24, 2019 23:52:39 GMT -5
I read about half your thread (so far) but wanted to add my perspective. I cannot relate to spouse that was sexually abused. However, I can relate to many other behaviors. She loves you. And you love her. That is enough that trust can eventually be attained. Certainly, as others have mentioned, therapy for her past trauma would be prefered. However, I would Not pressure her. That will back fire.
Alot of your comments talk of beta beta beta. Certainly an important ingredient. But too much spoils the pot. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying to be an insentive asswipe. What I am saying, is I can relate to listening to her 'needs'. More flowers, more cuddling, more "what else can I fetch you honey from the fridge". All of it makes her happy (sorta), but all of it kills her sexual attraction to you.
Try little things... You said you have kids. A son? Start a playful wrestling match with him in the next room. See if grabs her attention. If it does, pay attention to her reaction. Was the reaction of concern for her son? In a way that she trusted you but her adrenaline spiked a bit? Good. If it didn't get her attention, be assertive and go get it. Walk in the next room smiling and say something like.. "You see our boy? He thinks hes Dwayne Johnson. Guess I'll have to show him experience trumps youth". Then resume wrestling. Point is, inject some alpha into your days and pay close attention to her responses. No. She ain't gonna tear your clothes off after WWE live. Just experiment mildly and Guage her reactions. As a bonus, learn to pick out the few days each month when she's ovulating, and inject alpha during that time. You will be more likely to induce arousal.
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