|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 12, 2018 12:41:57 GMT -5
Ted said: "You need to think more about *you,* brother. I'm hearing an awful lot of "her" and "us." Not thinking enough about you is partly why you're in this SM. "
And it literally seems to be why you married her. You yourself have said here that you weren't ready for marriage. She was very ill. Seems you married her out of pity and may be staying with her out of pity. You
As for her alleged desire for kids, if she really wanted kids, she'd fuck even if she hates fucking. There are plenty of people here in ILIASM whose spouses did just that. They fucked enough for a pregnancy to result and then they stopped completely.
What do you love about her? What does she do for you? Somehow I'm visualizing her as a frail person who doesn't work a job outside of the house and is too frail to do much inside the house. Is that true?
And you act like being 40 is over the hill. It's not. There are plenty of things parents in their 40s do with their kids that are the same things that much younger people do. Of course, if one chooses to overeat, smoke, be inactive, etc. in one's 20s and 30s, one isn't likely to be a healthy 40. Otherwise, today's 40 is like 50 was when I was young. Given your wife's medical history, do you think she is healthy enough to be able to parent kids?
As for you not knowing people well enough to talk about sx, I have found that when I am comfortable talking about sex, then others are, too. People talk about sex all of the time even to mere acquaintances. I know, however, that when I was in the middle of my SM trying to ignore the fact that I hadn't had sex for years, any talk of sex made me embarrassed, so, in general, people didn't talk about sex in front of me or I'd shut it down if they did. For instance, years ago when I bought an attractive nightgown, the woman sales clerk said, "Your husband is going to love that." I just felt embarrassed because I was buying it just for me as my husband never noticed if I wore anything sexy. After I started talking to my friends about my lack of sex, and once they reassured me that I was normal, attractive, etc., then I started hearing more about other people's sex lives. People really do talk a lot about sex! Sex is all over the place -- movies, ads, comedy shows. I think that when one is in a SM and trying to fool oneself about how horrible being sexless is, one tends not to notice how much sex other people are having, joking about, referring to, etc.
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Aug 12, 2018 21:35:34 GMT -5
h, this October 2017 post of yours indicates that your wife's friends do talk about sex with her. It also was a place where you could have asked friend to say how often sexual relations should happen: "So my W invited her best friend over for dinner this week. They were friends since high school and long before I knew either of them. I had to laugh because somehow the topic of sex came up and her friend started calling out my W right in front of me for not doing her "wifely duties". It was the greatest thing I have ever experienced. I then asked her to tell my W that again.... and again, and again, and again. W was not pleased by that comment. She basically told my W that she was married to me and it was her job and she better start taking care of me because I am a decent guy and didn't deserve to be treated like this. Her own best friend gets it. I still didn't get any intimate attention since that night but I went to sleep with a huge smile on my face that night and every night since. Had to share that. It's just too funny to keep to myself. 😂"" Wow. So.., you sound like my friend’s husband. We had this EXACT convo in front of one of my best friends - since... childhood. I have no idea how much they actually DID it, but they were having fertility problems. I was bitching about my marriage and he asked: “How often do YOU think is healthy?” I said - two times a week at least, more if you’re trying to get pregnant. She was like: “babe, we do it all the time!” He was like - not even close to that.” She concentrated on how “perfect” their relationship is. How when they make love it’s “perfect@. I can only imagine that means everything must be right and nothing spontaneous. I can imagine he is right.
|
|
|
Post by h on Aug 13, 2018 4:20:13 GMT -5
I'm not really concerned about my own "biological clock" as much as hers. Her clock will run out long before mine. That will be very hard on her if that happens. Despite the rough times we've had, I do still care about her feelings and would like to continue to fix our marriage. We are both interested in having children and have talked about it for years but it just never happened. I know that I am capable of having children for many more decades, but I also know that if I'm too old when it happens, I won't be able to be the kind of father I would want to be. My father was active in my life and able to spend time with me doing things and still does today. If I'm 40 when I have children, I won't be able to keep up with them by the time they're my age. If I have children, I want enough time with them so that when they're adults, they'll remember something other than having to take care of me. I don't want to undermine your choice and efforts to stay, h , so please ignore this if you find it unhelpful. You need to think more about *you,* brother. I'm hearing an awful lot of "her" and "us." Not thinking enough about you is partly why you're in this SM. You have to bring a you to the table, she has to bring a her to the table, and then maybe that makes an us. You're not going to get anywhere with any of this until you believe you matter. Thank you for the opportunity to project my own faults onto you. As far as being 40 + your kid's age, everything is a tradeoff. You won't be the kind of father you want to be if you have this kids in this marriage in its current form either. Been their, failed that. I think you're overweighting the factor of your own age; you've got many of other factors to incorporate. Thinking more about me is why I finally joined this forum and started pushing for change. We had our blow out arguments and she decided to try to make it work. I never gave her any time line for action, but told her that if she continued to neglect my needs, eventually our marriage would fall apart and we would end up divorced because I couldn't go on like that any longer. That was me thinking about me. Since then, things have gotten progressively better but at a very slow rate of change. I'm fairly confident that we can get to a point where both of us are happy. The only problem is that it may take longer than her remaining fertile years.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 13, 2018 5:05:27 GMT -5
Setting aside anything else at this moment Brother h , you are a 31 -35 man, who'd like to be in a functional marriage including a robust sex life and would like to be a dad. These do not seem (to me) to be wild outlandish ambitions. In fact, they seem perfectly achiveable aspirations for an employed 31 - 35 year old good bloke. But this sets aside your present reality. When you include your missus and present reality into the picture, your ambitions don't look terribly attainable at all. Possibly, you might get the kid part of the picture, but not the rest. Equally as possible is you get 'none of the above'.
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Aug 13, 2018 10:39:15 GMT -5
northstarmom - your story about your friend the fertility specialist - SHOCKING. Personally, I knew as the person who DID want sex that there was no way in hell I was going to undergo IVF for a child I was lukewarm about having so that my ex could avoid sex. Frankly, professionals should be asking about this before providing. Maybe it's different here in the UK, I hope so, IVF in some areas is publicly funded and frankly I'd be pretty upset if people were choosing to have IVF to avoid sex and I was paying for it through general taxation.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 13, 2018 10:41:36 GMT -5
IVF isn't publicly funded in the US. Even for people with excellent insurance, I doubt that insurance covers much or any of the costs. So, if people don't want to bother to fuck but want IVF here, as long as they can pay, I think they get it.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Aug 13, 2018 11:07:11 GMT -5
I worked with a gynecologist who had a couple come and say they wanted IVF because they could not get pregnant after 5 years of trying. He does a full exam, of course, and finds the woman's hymen still intact. He asks the woman about their sex life and she says it is great and they have sex every night. With his fingers inside her vagina he asks her if it feels similar to the fullness she would feel with sex and she says no. He keeps asking her questions and it becomes clear the sex they were having was basically the h rubbing himself along her entrance between her legs. They had both been virgins and neither of them figured this out for 5 years. (They were religious and did not have sex ed, she never used tampons, etc)
Well the doc called the h in and explained sex to them. They got it together and got pregnant within the month.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 15, 2018 8:43:04 GMT -5
I worked with a gynecologist who had a couple come and say they wanted IVF because they could not get pregnant after 5 years of trying. He does a full exam, of course, and finds the woman's hymen still intact. He asks the woman about their sex life and she says it is great and they have sex every night. With his fingers inside her vagina he asks her if it feels similar to the fullness she would feel with sex and she says no. He keeps asking her questions and it becomes clear the sex they were having was basically the h rubbing himself along her entrance between her legs. They had both been virgins and neither of them figured this out for 5 years. (They were religious and did not have sex ed, she never used tampons, etc) Well the doc called the h in and explained sex to them. They got it together and got pregnant within the month. Oh. My. God. Yeah, let’s continue to push those abstinence agendas in US schools instead of comprehensive sex ed. 🤦🏽♀️
|
|