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Post by ted on Jul 15, 2018 14:46:07 GMT -5
File this under mourning a loss.
Seeing apparently happy, intimate couples together with their kids is hard on my heart. Granted, I’m assuming a lot about their happiness and intimacy, but my projection onto them still reveals the ideal I have in my heart, of which I mourn the loss.
Children as a product of their parents’ intimacy is such a brilliant, beautiful design, almost too good to believe. You give your all to your partner, they give their all to you, and it mixes to create a child, to whom you both give a different kind of all. Children are literally an embodiment of their parents’ love.
I will never have that. My children don’t embody the love of my wife and I for each other. At best, they embody the failed attempts of their parents to connect. At worst, they embody manipulation, exploitation, and reset. Even if a future partner loves my kids, and we make a wonderful blended family, she won’t be their mother. None of the children will be the product of our love.
Don’t misunderstand, my kids don’t elicit this disappointment. I love them with my all. It never crosses my mind when I’m with them. I couldn’t ask for better kids. We, without her, are a family now, and that is enough.
But I wish I had it all.
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Post by flounder on Jul 15, 2018 15:52:30 GMT -5
Spot on. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything in the world. I love them more than life itself. But for once, I would like to keep up with the Jones’s.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 15, 2018 16:14:41 GMT -5
Spot on. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything in the world. I love them more than life itself. But for once, I would like to keep up with the Jones’s. I get it, but... I’m the Joneses you aspire to keep up with. It’s not as rosey as it seems from the outside. Make the most of what you do have. You may be the one that someone else looks up to.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 15, 2018 16:38:03 GMT -5
Nothing in life is perfect and everything comes at a price.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 15, 2018 20:24:38 GMT -5
“At best, they embody the failed attempts of their parents to connect.”
I prefer to think about it with gratitude: Sure, my H and I didn’t work out as a couple but I sure am glad we got together so that this amazing little human is now in the world
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Post by saarinista on Jul 15, 2018 20:28:27 GMT -5
Spot on. I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything in the world. I love them more than life itself. But for once, I would like to keep up with the Jones’s. I get it, but... I’m the Joneses you aspire to keep up with. It’s not as rosey as it seems from the outside. Make the most of what you do have. You may be the one that someone else looks up to. You are? You're the Joneses? Maybe I should send you a resume then! LOL
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Post by baza on Jul 15, 2018 22:44:15 GMT -5
To "mourn the loss" of something, whatever that might be, carries with it that the "something" was there once and now is not.
It is far from unusual in this group - as the wider story comes out - that the "something" was not actually present in the first place.
In which case you are not so much mourning a loss as you are mourning a concept of what might have been.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 15, 2018 23:14:27 GMT -5
You are? You're the Joneses? Maybe I should send you a resume then! LOL Ah, you must be thinking of the surfergirl Joneses, with private planes and vacation homes. ;-) I’m just a guy living modestly who appears to have it all together, having had this conversation with some friends before. But you raise an interesting point, that everyone has a different idea of the Joneses to keep up with... usually just out of grasp from wherever you are right now.
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Post by surfergirl on Jul 16, 2018 6:05:28 GMT -5
I’ve always respected your comments, DryCreek. What’s up the passive aggressiveness? Anyone can be homeless, make $50,000 a year but live on half, invest the rest in after-hours side hustle, and buy their own airplane, too. Not my fault not many do.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 16, 2018 6:26:10 GMT -5
Ted, sorry for the loss you feel and are experiencing. I don't want to diminish your feelings in any way, but maybe you could just tweak the storyline a bit so it's not so full of loss. Tap into gratitude and abundance. We don't have to believe every thought we have. There's great freedom in rejecting some while creating new ones. Life is full of opportunity.
I don't have children. I've gotten good at appreciating all I DO have. I used to tell a sad tale to myself, though, but, ultimately, it feels better to tell it differently and enjoy the ride.
Good luck to you!
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 16, 2018 8:38:06 GMT -5
I’ve always respected your comments, DryCreek. What’s up the passive aggressiveness? Anyone can be homeless, make $50,000 a year but live on half, invest the rest in after-hours side hustle, and buy their own airplane, too. Not my fault not many do. None intended. Quite the contrary, you’re operating at a level that I don’t. And there are folks above that level, and more above that. Point being, folks who’ve got the world by the balls can still manage to end up here.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 16, 2018 10:18:05 GMT -5
File this under mourning a loss. Seeing apparently happy, intimate couples together with their kids is hard on my heart. Granted, I’m assuming a lot about their happiness and intimacy, but my projection onto them still reveals the ideal I have in my heart, of which I mourn the loss. Children as a product of their parents’ intimacy is such a brilliant, beautiful design, almost too good to believe. You give your all to your partner, they give their all to you, and it mixes to create a child, to whom you both give a different kind of all. Children are literally an embodiment of their parents’ love. I will never have that. My children don’t embody the love of my wife and I for each other. At best, they embody the failed attempts of their parents to connect. At worst, they embody manipulation, exploitation, and reset. Even if a future partner loves my kids, and we make a wonderful blended family, she won’t be their mother. None of the children will be the product of our love. Don’t misunderstand, my kids don’t elicit this disappointment. I love them with my all. It never crosses my mind when I’m with them. I couldn’t ask for better kids. We, without her, are a family now, and that is enough. But I wish I had it all. My friend, you can continue to do this, or move on to what is ahead.
I lost my best sexual years, I was abused physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually, I am probably going to lose at least half the retirement I spent 30 years building, I am paying all of my youngest child's college expenses while my refuser has $80,000 + in the bank, and my daughters no longer have the stable home they grew up in.
But I prefer to focus on the following; I have a job that I love, I am respected in my field, I have loyal friends, my family loves me, I am looking at a 17% raise this year, my vehicle is almost paid off, I was able to put my youngest through college, the money I have lost can be replaced, and best of all, I have a girlfriend who is 45, but looks 30, and for some reason, she thinks that I am the best man she has ever known and she wants to fuck me twice a day.
I choose to look at my bright future, not my dark past.
I hope you will someday do the same, my friend.
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Post by tirefire on Jul 16, 2018 17:58:31 GMT -5
flashjohn, Amen, Brother. I love your attitude. Don't look back, keep looking forward.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 16, 2018 21:55:55 GMT -5
I’ve always respected your comments, DryCreek. What’s up the passive aggressiveness? Anyone can be homeless, make $50,000 a year but live on half, invest the rest in after-hours side hustle, and buy their own airplane, too. Not my fault not many do. None intended. Quite the contrary, you’re operating at a level that I don’t. And there are folks above that level, and more above that. Point being, folks who’ve got the world by the balls can still manage to end up here. Bill Gates has all the same problems as normal folks with the exception of money.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 204
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 16, 2018 23:33:54 GMT -5
None intended. Quite the contrary, you’re operating at a level that I don’t. And there are folks above that level, and more above that. Point being, folks who’ve got the world by the balls can still manage to end up here. Bill Gates has all the same problems as normal folks with the exception of money. I’d bet that he also has some problems because of his money that us “regular” people don’t have...
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