nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 11, 2018 22:12:25 GMT -5
I posted recently about how my wife shouts at me and my kids (aged 4 and 6) whenever stressed. After substantially reading and thinking, i think i just want to get a divorce a.s.a.p. i'll give marriage counseling one last try (the last one failed) and that's it. My younger son'll interview for elementary school soon and the results will come dec 2018. By then i'll need to man up and tell her that either we can work on our marriage or else that's it. I appreciate the debt and the kids will end up fine. And it won't kill me. i'm now suffering a debilitating irritable bowel syndrome caused by the stress just thinking about the divorce. (I'm actually typing this in the washroom). And if i don't leave a.s.a.p, i'm sure the stress will kill me anyway. So better divorced than dead right?
but i feel very sad about it. it's like facing death of a close relative. i still care a lot about my wife even with her character flaws, and i think she's trying her best to improve the welfare of the family. it's just that she doesn't value my happiness anymore and there's no one to take care of myself except me.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 22:26:29 GMT -5
Of course you are sad about the end of a dream of a marriage that would last a lifetime. Have you considered talking to your wife about your concerns and asking her straight out if she would like to divorce? Marriage counseling can't save a marriage that is beyond saving. If your wife doesn't want to be married, at best, she'll go through the motions, but nothing will improve. It may be far better to use marriage counseling to allow both to leave the marriage as fairly and unstressfully as possible while making the transition also as easy as possible on your kids.
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2018 22:47:13 GMT -5
Your missus "go to" position when under stress is to erupt ballistically, and she appears to quite like a dollar too. That is a pretty volatile mix and when you ignite the fuse the results are going to be pretty spectacular.
Get every last duck lined up under the guidance of your lawyer would be my suggestion....before you light the fuse.
If you can head the joint counselling down the path of "divorce counselling" rather than "marriage counselling" that could have some value too.
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nicky
Junior Member
Posts: 36
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Post by nicky on Jul 11, 2018 22:47:41 GMT -5
i think she would want to stay in the marriage. she can live with my unhappiness as long as she can coerce me into submission with emotional blackmailing.
maybe it's from the wife's side of the family. my mother-in-law was abandoned in childhood to foster parents and grew up strong minded (she's a nurse). she has deep suspicions with trusting others (understandable) and is hypercritical and bitter. my wife used to argue a lot with my mother-in-law, and my mother-in-law would verbally and physically assault her. my wife bailed from her family (by getting married to me i guess) at the first chance and she now doesn't have any contact with my mother-in-law, except seeing once a year during x-mas.
despite the bitterness, my father-in-law stayed in the family to raise 3 kids (their youngest is still in university). my mother-in-law and father-in-law basically lead separate lives now, but they still live together. i think my father-in-law had an affair earlier but not sure.
my wife's emotional instability must be her mal-adaptive behavior to my mother-in-law. she had to be ready to gear up and fight her mother at the slightest cue, since she was young.
and now my wife's justification for being harsh is 'it's already way easier than what i had back then', which is true.
i tried to mellow her down, i thought she would grow out of it when surrounding circumstances change (i'm passive-aggressive, but that's another story). i even studied a masters degree in psychological counseling to try to understand. but obviously i'm failing now so maybe the only way out is divorce.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 22:52:21 GMT -5
You can't change another person. At best - and with difficulty -- you can only change yourself.
I strongly suggest individual therapy to help you cope with your stress and figure out what to do to make your life happier. You can't change your wife. However, you can do things that reduce your stress and allow you to live a happier life. You can't take responsibility for helping your wife resolve her childhood difficulties. She would have to take responsibility for that, and whether to do that is her choice.
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Post by baza on Jul 12, 2018 0:37:29 GMT -5
Shit things happen to people. Such as your missus upbringing. And whereas it may or may not have been their fault, it is their responsibility to play out the cards they got as best they can. Shit things happen to people. Such as you getting into an ILIASM shithole Brother nicky . And whereas that may or may not have been your fault, it is your responsibility to play out the cards you got as best you can. All of us have made choices that dumped ourselves in the shit - and/or have had the cosmos hand us a shit sandwich that we didn't 'deserve' or want. And, if you have not yet had the cosmos give you a shit sandwich or two, count yourself lucky, and be aware that your shit sandwiches are still to come. Whether you like it or not. And, it will be your responsibility for you to deal with them. No-one else can deal with your missus shit sandwiches but her. No-one can deal with your shit sandwiches but you. No-one can deal with my shit sandwiches but me. It's completely egalitarian. Everyone gets their quota of shit sandwiches. Some, our own choices bring. Some, the cosmos serve up. And no-one gets a pass.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 7:24:30 GMT -5
I hope you will love your children enough and take your parenting responsibilities seriously enough to do everything within your powers to gain full custody. Bad as being around your wife has beenfor you, it must be worse for your children who may think they are bad people for their mom to be so harsh with them. Your cowardly passivity when your wife verbally abused the maid for 2 hours makes me fear you will abandon your kids to their mom while you claim it’s too exhausting to do the hard work of extricating your kids and raising them yourself.
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