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Post by sadkat on Aug 9, 2018 15:38:55 GMT -5
Thank you baza! I have been thinking about this a lot and agree with you. I am very happy alone and it is actually my preference these days. It sure would be nice to have a FWB tho!
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Post by baza on Aug 9, 2018 22:25:26 GMT -5
As a single woman Sister sadkat , your options in regard to many aspects of life open up. Simple example. There are single blokes in the world who (rightly or wrongly) will not get involved with married women. As a married woman this demographic of the male population is presently one you are locked out of. When / if you are a single woman, these this particular bloc of the population is open to you. There may be good opportunities lurking in this hitherto untapped resource. Living in an ILIASM shithole imposes vast restrictions on your ability and opportunity to have a decent sex life (either within the marriage or extraneous to it) Being single at least gives you an unimpeded shot at it.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 26, 2018 20:05:57 GMT -5
An update on my situation-
We have both begun individual therapy in the last 6 weeks, and re-started marriage counseling in the last month (did it last year for about 7 months). I have since learned that my h, by his own admission, has looked at porn to get off 3-4 times per week since we've been together, going on 7 years. This was a revelation for me because about 3 years ago I came to the realization that my h did not act like a straight, red-blooded man should act with and around his wife. There have never been little subtle touches on the arm, kisses on the neck, or little butt squeezes as he passes by in the kitchen. He does not have any lingering glances my way, and I can't remember ever catching him even look down my shirt or looking me up and down. In fact, about a year into our marriage, which was sexless from the honeymoon, I was convinced he was either gay and hadn't come to terms with it, or was asexual. Earlier in our marriage, when I was trying to create some sort of sex life, I would ask him what he fantasized, and he looked at me like I had three heads. I said, I want to know what turns you on. He said he didn't fantasize about sex. I even remember one night renting a porno, not that I'm into it, but thought he may be and I was willing to watch it together, and he was horrified and wouldn't even sit in the room with me. All of this lead me to truly believe he was asexual. I never found porn on his phone, computer, anything, ever.
Now I learn that he has gotten off to porn for the past 30 years or so, never having had a deep or serious relationship before me, and I feel betrayed and deeply angry.
Our therapist asked us if I thought getting off to porn was cheating. I had to think about it. And I said, generally speaking, I would say no, but in the context of our marriage -- his inability and unwillingness to have a sex life with me, and his lying about it for years, well, yes, it feels like infidelity. He replaced sex with me, something that was meant for a wife, with his own satisfaction. His omission of the truth and watching me painfully cry about our SM for the past 4 years, and he still would not tell me the truth. That's infidelity to me.
I told him tonight I feel like he stole my sexuality from me by unilaterally deciding what our sex life would (wouldn't) be. He condemned me to celibacy that I didn't agree or consent to. I think he's deeply sorry for the hurt he has caused, but I don't think he even knows the work he has to do individually to fix his fucked up sex life with himself, or to rebuild my trust. I actually looked at him today and for the first time ever, felt nothing toward him. Nothing.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 26, 2018 20:28:16 GMT -5
heartbrokengirl, there are asexuals who get off to porn. One of my good friends, a man who was sexually molested by a man when he was he was a child, says he masturbates frequently to porn but never has been able to achieve orgasm with a man or woman.
Unfortunately, there is no indication that your husband can be the type of lover you'd expect in a marriage. Is it worth it to you to stay with him? It could be that seeing a lawyer and finding out how a divorce would shake out could help you decide whether to stay or leave your marriage.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 26, 2018 21:57:13 GMT -5
An update on my situation- ...Our therapist asked us if I thought getting off to porn was cheating. I had to think about it. And I said, generally speaking, I would say no, but in the context of our marriage -- his inability and unwillingness to have a sex life with me, and his lying about it for years, well, yes, it feels like infidelity. He replaced sex with me, something that was meant for a wife, with his own satisfaction. His omission of the truth and watching me painfully cry about our SM for the past 4 years, and he still would not tell me the truth. That's infidelity to me. I told him tonight I feel like he stole my sexuality from me by unilaterally deciding what our sex life would (wouldn't) be. He condemned me to celibacy that I didn't agree or consent to. I think he's deeply sorry for the hurt he has caused, but I don't think he even knows the work he has to do individually to fix his fucked up sex life with himself, or to rebuild my trust. I actually looked at him today and for the first time ever, felt nothing toward him. Nothing. I also believe it is cheating. He has cheated you out of the sex life you were promised. Your hurt is real, as is your numbness to him, now. I remember, close to the end of my marriage, asking my wife if she understood how much damage her lack of sexual interest in me had done. Of course, in her opinion it was all my fault, but I had already stopped buying that line. Within a month, she tried reset sex, and at her first complaint Irolled off of her, and told her she'd had twenty-four years to have a sexual relationship with me, and I was done. Even if he could fix himself, is it over? I suspect so.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 26, 2018 22:35:55 GMT -5
heartbrokengirl, there are asexuals who get off to porn. One of my good friends, a man who was sexually molested by a man when he was he was a child, says he masturbates frequently to porn but never has been able to achieve orgasm with a man or woman. Unfortunately, there is no indication that your husband can be the type of lover you'd expect in a marriage. Is it worth it to you to stay with him? It could be that seeing a lawyer and finding out how a divorce would shake out could help you decide whether to stay or leave your marriage. You are quite correct northstarmom. I have huge doubts that he’d be willing to do the amount of worked it requires to move from “isolated, insecure solo sex guy” to “lover.” I really don’t think he has the capacity. I’m working on my acceptance of that in this phase of grieving the loss of my marriage. I have friends and family I’m leaning into, I’m in individual therapy, I’m working on my physical health, reading, meditating/praying a lot, and doing things that make me feel alive and real. Im processing my feelings, doubts, fears, and not bottling them up or pushing them aside. I’m working toward the strength to make the call to an attorney to know my options. I just have to overcome my own fear and self doubt.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 26, 2018 22:39:29 GMT -5
An update on my situation- ...Our therapist asked us if I thought getting off to porn was cheating. I had to think about it. And I said, generally speaking, I would say no, but in the context of our marriage -- his inability and unwillingness to have a sex life with me, and his lying about it for years, well, yes, it feels like infidelity. He replaced sex with me, something that was meant for a wife, with his own satisfaction. His omission of the truth and watching me painfully cry about our SM for the past 4 years, and he still would not tell me the truth. That's infidelity to me. I told him tonight I feel like he stole my sexuality from me by unilaterally deciding what our sex life would (wouldn't) be. He condemned me to celibacy that I didn't agree or consent to. I think he's deeply sorry for the hurt he has caused, but I don't think he even knows the work he has to do individually to fix his fucked up sex life with himself, or to rebuild my trust. I actually looked at him today and for the first time ever, felt nothing toward him. Nothing. I also believe it is cheating. He has cheated you out of the sex life you were promised. Your hurt is real, as is your numbness to him, now. I remember, close to the end of my marriage, asking my wife if she understood how much damage her lack of sexual interest in me had done. Of course, in her opinion it was all my fault, but I had already stopped buying that line. Within a month, she tried reset sex, and at her first complaint Irolled off of her, and told her she'd had twenty-four years to have a sexual relationship with me, and I was done. Even if he could fix himself, is it over? I suspect so. I’m so sorry she hurt you so deeply. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy ironhamster. Thank you for the validation that he is actually cheating, and I’m not crazy and emotional, like he likes to gaslight. Watching porn and masturbating is arguably a natural and normal thing in the context of a healthy sex life in a marriage. A complementary or supplementary action, if you will. But if you have to lie about it for years, well, then, there are deeper issues there.
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Post by baza on Aug 26, 2018 23:36:44 GMT -5
The "why" here could well be porn. So now you "know". Fact is, that knowledge doesn't help a real lot in driving the situation to resolution. It's not as if (a) - that makes him give up the porn (b) - that he replaces that porn with a real desire for real live women (c) - that if he did start to lust after women that you would necessarily be one of them It's a good illustration of the "why" not really helping too much. Your therapist, you, maybe him, and the membership here would likely agree that he dudded you out of functional marriage. There probably would be unanimous agreement on that. But again, that blame apportioning is of no help in driving the situation to resolution. You are who you are Sister heartbrokengirl . He is who he is. The marriage is what it is. And horribly difficult choices loom. Feeling for you. When you get to this point (quoting you here) "I actually looked at him today and for the first time ever, felt nothing toward him. Nothing" then the bell is ringing pretty clearly.
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Post by workingonit on Aug 27, 2018 9:37:10 GMT -5
heartbrokengirl sorry you are where you are but I think it is a good and important growth step. I could have written parts of your narrative. After 8 years of no sex with my h I found out in therapy that my h masturbated daily. Oh. Huh. This is why I like that term sexual anorexia- he is not asexual. He just is crippled by his insecurity and anxiety so he takes care of himself rather than risk intimacy. Can this be fixed? IDK. Certainly not without hard work, willingness, and a skilled therapist. And time. Likely lots of time. Even if your h is willing to face this fact, even if he is willing to engage in this hard work, do yiu stay? How much more of our lives do we sacrifice? That is something to think about.
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 29, 2018 3:22:32 GMT -5
heartbrokengirl sorry as well to here of this. It does sounds like cheating and that is not easy to get over. Things obviously don't sound great for your situation and I am glad you have friends to lean on. That is great you have a support system. I don't know you or your h, but it seems like your h admitted this is one of the first real things he is facing. Sounds like he was never showing his true self. Just knowing some one of the major problems does allow some room to fix it.
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