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Post by northstarmom on Jul 5, 2018 7:24:49 GMT -5
“The researchers, Sandra Langeslag from the University of Missouri-St. Louis and Jan van Strien from Erasmus University Rotterdam, examined 40 participants in what was “the very first study” of its kind, according to Langeslag. Each participant came armed with 30 photos of his or her current or former partner — half of the participants were in a relationship, while half had recently been through a breakup — and were instructed to try to regulate their love feelings by using the technique of “reappraisal” — viewing a slideshow of the images and focusing each time on a positive aspect of their beloved for “up-regulation,” or a negative aspect for “down-regulation.” www.ozy.com/acumen/how-to-make-yourself-fall-in-love-or-out-of-love/71532
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 5, 2018 7:52:37 GMT -5
I sort of managed to do this without benefit of this research. When I found EP, I was still justifying FOR my refuser: he’s sick, it’s very debilitating for a man to 100%-guaranteed lose his ability to get erect, facing mortality would change me too. That is: everything’s great bar the sex and that’s not his fault. It was mostly baza’s suggestion that I test this theory which led me to re-appraise my status quo. Also the huge number of members, men and women, who were so matter of fact in their shock that losing an erection meant NO other options (I felt sorta dumb about not realizing that asking for hand/mouth/toy options would have been normal in a healthy relationship) After re-appraisal, I learned that it was NOT just the 3 years celibate where our disconnect took place and that it was NOT only in the sexlife that I was “being forced” to accommodate his unilateral decrees of how OUR relationship would be (finance, transportation, dwelling, decorating, dietary, spiritual—ALL these areas seemed to be under his direction only). It took longer to see just how many options I had, just how much of my own volition I had been ignoring. It’s not that I learned to “unlove” my spouse. But I did learn to see & accept the fraternal nature of my care for him, to mark a boundary for myself (my authenticity), and to figure out in what ways I needed to change my attitudes and the situational settings of my life - so that I could claim my freedom to be my own person. Losing the dead weight of a dysfunctional marriage was perhaps the most freeing thing I’ve ever done. Though I’ve been out a while and haven’t found the perfect next relationship- I am so much better off, and closer to my true self, than I was when I was in my SM.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 5, 2018 15:59:19 GMT -5
I'm going through the process right now.
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