|
Post by flashjohn on Jul 2, 2018 15:12:42 GMT -5
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything but I guess I just need to vent out my frustrations. My situation has not improved at all. Same old thing... highly depressed, no sex, no job, really no life at all. Anyway, to make a long story short, I was in the middle of a sexual dream during a nap this afternoon when the husband woke me up. I was so relaxed and in the mood that before I knew it, I was making out with the husband. He had an orgasm pretty quickly with me just touching him through his shorts so I knew he was excited. Me? Nothing. He tried to perform oral on me but I just felt nothing. I tried picturing the person in my dream (a tv/movie actor) and imagining sexual scenarios that I’ve seen in porn or read about, but nothing worked. I just knew it was the husband doing what I’ve been complaining about him NOT doing for years. Is it that I’m just not attracted to him or if it’s that I’ll ever be able to enjoy sex again with anyone? Did any other ladies have this issue after a long time without sex? Am I broken for good? No, you are not broken at all. The same thing happened to me. Before my refuser cut me off completely, she still wanted sex once every 6-8 weeks. I could not have an orgasm unless I closed my eyes and imagined she was Heather Locklear. Now that I am out, the idea that I actually once fucked her makes me want to vomit. She is spoiled, selfish, and incredibly rude.
|
|
|
Post by Carol on Jul 2, 2018 18:55:20 GMT -5
I broke down this evening. I told him that I’m not sure I even want to continue to try and work on the marriage. He says he loves me and I do love him in a non sexual way but that when we attempted to be physical the other day it felt incredibly awkward and I’m just so resentful of the past 15 years of our SM that I’m not attracted to him any longer. I told him I need time to figure it all out. It all started because he was giving me grief about what we were going to do together while he’s off from work later this week. Money has been tight this month but I’ve been using that as an excuse I just really don’t want to spend time with him. I feel like I’m putting on a false front that everything is ok. He says he is trying with going to sex therapy but from what I can see it’s not really making that much of a difference and I’ve gotten to the point that it feels like a waste of money.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 2, 2018 19:04:17 GMT -5
It’s good you were honest with him. Focus on what you want for yourself.
|
|
|
Post by Carol on Jul 3, 2018 5:05:32 GMT -5
After our discussion this evening,I needed to get out of the house. I took off and just drove around for about three hours. When I finally did get back home, he acted like there was absolutely nothing wrong. I was in disbelief! We just had this intense conversation about ending our marriage and he acts like I just went out shopping for the evening? I don’t get it! Is he in denial?
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 3, 2018 5:40:53 GMT -5
Carol, he is not in denial. You have stayed with him despite 15 years of no sex. He knows that while you may vent about it occasionally, you are very likely to continue with the marriage as if everything is fine. He figures you won’t leave him and truth is hr’s Likely correct. The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. Despite the sexlessness, you hold onto hope he will become a compatible lover. He is secure in the reality that you are staying and complying with the kind of marriage he wants.
To test out whether he is right: have you seen a lawyer to check out how a divorce would work out? Have you told people in real life about your misery or do you let them think everything is fine? Do you celebrate anniversaries and Valentine’s Day? Do you accept chicken peck kisses? Are you informed about your household’s finances?
If you suffer from depression, anxiety, lack of confidence are you getting professional help? If you feel homely and out of shape or boring or lonely are you working out, getting appropriate nutrition, exploring hobbies, reaching out to develop new friendships — doing all of those things to become happy with yourself, not to attract your husband who is simply not compatible with you which is not something you can change?
Are you being honest with yourself? Your husband may be a good match as a roommate, coparent, source of financial support but doesn’t have the capability to be a man who participated in mutually enjoyable sex. Are you allowing yourself to realize that after 15 years of rejection of course you aren’t going to get aroused by him since that is likely to open the door to more rejection by him?
|
|
|
Post by javba on Jul 9, 2018 12:44:17 GMT -5
"Me? Nothing. He tried to perform oral on me but I just felt nothing. I tried picturing the person in my dream (a tv/movie actor) and imagining sexual scenarios that I’ve seen in porn or read about, but nothing worked. I just knew it was the husband doing what I’ve been complaining about him NOT doing for years. Is it that I’m just not attracted to him" Carol you seem depressed (takes one to know one) I went thru a period (getting better now) I could not "please myself" So I know my libido took a massive hit. Now so far as the partner is concerned - there is negative emotional associations, and also fear of "going back" We weren't dumb to choose our partners, things changed, things didn't work out - we grew apart. Priorities changed. So there is that on top of being depressed. Seek Counseling or Support groups in the very least. An hour of exercise, Sleep cycle management is essential. Otherwise staying up in the nights can get depressing too.
|
|