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Post by nyartgal on Jun 28, 2018 20:46:57 GMT -5
Congratulations!!!!! YOU DID IT!!!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 28, 2018 23:09:12 GMT -5
I hope it goes well for you, and for the kids. I think being able to walk them to the house will be helpful. I understand the concreteness of that & why it will be helpful. Seriously- good luck, I hope it goes well.
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Divorced
Jun 29, 2018 6:39:59 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Jun 29, 2018 6:39:59 GMT -5
As an aside, I paid something like $173 for my divorce. My husband and I worked out the finances—none of the lawyers understood it, not trying to diss them but it was true—-and so I had a few legal missteps but corrected the paperwork a few times: wrote my own dissolution, deposition, etc. Worth it. Just throwing it out there that —even with my husband’s level of hostility—he is smart enough to avoid the lawyers. You did have an attorney review the documentation and correct any errors, right? I can tell you that a couple misplaced words can be big enough to drive a mack truck through. The divorce decree isn't for now when you guys are working together amicably but for when you disagree, just like any business contract. I personally despise that we need lawyers for this crap, but they do serve a purpose in the process.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 29, 2018 7:10:31 GMT -5
While I see the advantages to your kids of your moving 6 houses away I’m wondering what your thoughts are about having your kids and ex be in a position to do oversee your comings and goings, your romantic partners, as well as your ex and kids being able to pop in whenever they like. Have you figured out how you will have privacy and set boundaries?
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Post by elynne on Jun 29, 2018 7:50:21 GMT -5
While I see the advantages to your kids of your moving 6 houses away I’m wondering what your thoughts are about having your kids and ex be in a position to do oversee your comings and goings, your romantic partners, as well as your ex and kids being able to pop in whenever they like. Have you figured out how you will have privacy and set boundaries? Boundaries! So important. I need to learn how to set them! And how to enforce them!
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Divorced
Jun 29, 2018 8:15:04 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by shamwow on Jun 29, 2018 8:15:04 GMT -5
While I see the advantages to your kids of your moving 6 houses away I’m wondering what your thoughts are about having your kids and ex be in a position to do oversee your comings and goings, your romantic partners, as well as your ex and kids being able to pop in whenever they like. Have you figured out how you will have privacy and set boundaries? Boundaries! So important. I need to learn how to set them! And how to enforce them! OMG yes. I moved in the same neighborhood as my ex (had to for son's schooling). The first few times ballofconfusion visited I locked us in with a device that prevents deadbolts from opening even if you have a key. Yes, they had been told to call before coming over when it's not my weekend, but who the hell knows what goes through the minds of teens? I sure as hell didn't want to put a relationship in their face or have my naked ass in the air if they came over to grab a favorite shirt from my place. You cannot "un-see" that kind of thing. Also out of sight is out of mind. I've got so many resentments (still) towards my ex that physical separation is the only thing that keeps me from screaming sometimes. 6 houses down is either staying celibate and not having anyone over, always going over to your guy's house, or blasting a big middle finger at your ex (and kids). Not to mention the additional pain of seeing you so close all the time but not with them. And I'm sure you'll be fine when the ex brings home some sugar to rub it in your face. A whole new round of "why chasing" may begin anew! But every situation is different. It might not bother your kids (and they are the most important thing here). All of you may be of sterner emotional stuff than I am. If so, a tip of the hat to you all.
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Post by surfergirl on Jun 29, 2018 8:46:09 GMT -5
If feels like nothing I do will garner the general support of the forum. I appreciate the head's up, but you guys no longer seem like a support forum but a critique of all the moves I make towards my freedom. I'm making decisions based on all the moving parts that you are not privy to. Thanks for the help you gave me to see the reality of the situation.
Peace out.
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Post by elynne on Jun 29, 2018 9:25:03 GMT -5
If feels like nothing I do will garner the general support of the forum. I appreciate the head's up, but you guys no longer seem like a support forum but a critique of all the moves I make towards my freedom. I'm making decisions based on all the moving parts that you are not privy to. Thanks for the help you gave me to see the reality of the situation. Peace out. I a have a friend that lives a few minute walk from his Ex. It works well for them, it’s really easy for the kids. I think the trick is setting clear boundaries so there are no unexpected surprises- like walking in on you with a new partner. But I’m sure you will figure those things out. You’re a smart cookie. There are going to be ups and downs as you navigate this new phase and build a new life, but the big plus is that you are now in control of the choices you make. And to be honest, you don’t need the approval of everyone on the forum. Your life. You get to decide what will make you happy! And then go for it!!!
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 29, 2018 9:27:33 GMT -5
If feels like nothing I do will garner the general support of the forum. I appreciate the head's up, but you guys no longer seem like a support forum but a critique of all the moves I make towards my freedom. To the contrary, I think this group has been exceedingly supportive. And I think you’ve had more than a couple “Aha!” moments from the insight gained here. That should be no surprise when comparing the experience and perspectives of many vs an individual. You are bucking normal practice (common sense?) in major facets of your situation, from writing your own critical legal documents, to concealing the divorce from your kids, to moving a few doors down from your ex. So, yeah, you should expect some “Whoa, Nelly!” feedback here. Of course you know things we don’t, so be thick-skinned about the feedback and ignore what doesn’t apply, but don’t ignore the fact that people are raising red flags about multiple things you’re trying to do here. As much as our situations may all be unique, there are many universal truths that weave through them. Good luck!
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Post by wom360 on Jun 29, 2018 9:28:12 GMT -5
If feels like nothing I do will garner the general support of the forum. I appreciate the head's up, but you guys no longer seem like a support forum but a critique of all the moves I make towards my freedom. I'm making decisions based on all the moving parts that you are not privy to. Thanks for the help you gave me to see the reality of the situation. Peace out. This is what support looks like. The cheerleading forum is down the street.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 29, 2018 9:38:44 GMT -5
If feels like nothing I do will garner the general support of the forum. I appreciate the head's up, but you guys no longer seem like a support forum but a critique of all the moves I make towards my freedom. I'm making decisions based on all the moving parts that you are not privy to. Thanks for the help you gave me to see the reality of the situation. Peace out. I was remiss in not congratulating you on your divorce. Truly, I mean it when I say congrats. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I'm sure it was the same experience for you. It took courage to do what you did and you should be congratulated for it. However, a support forum such as this is more than a cheer squad. Those of us who have made it out may, perhaps, have some landmines we have stepped on that you may yet avoid. I know that this group saved me from untold numbers of mistakes I was poised to make. But if you post your situation to a public forum, it is unreasonable to not expect those reading it who have gone through similar situations to have some feedback. I wish I had the wise eloquence of Baza, but I'm more blunt than that by nature. I Apologize if my delivery caused offense, but please do not let that overshadow the questions I ask from a position of someone who has already experienced these issues. Best wishes, Paul
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 29, 2018 10:22:16 GMT -5
surfergirl, I've seen a lot of support, both in terms of congratulations and concerns. You've handled things extremely well IMHO. I am dealing with a stbx that doesn't give a shit. She did not give a shit about me when we were married, and she doesn't give a shit now. I offered her a hell of a good deal when she said she wanted a divorce, and she filed with an ambulance chasing lawyer, anyway. He has made it clear that his purpose is to charge her confiscatory fees while promising her I will have to pay them while I jump through hoop after hoop in the "discovery" process. Having moved two thousand miles away, he was adamant that I fly back for a face to face deposition until the judge told him that, if it was so important, he would arrange a location half way between us and the lawyer would fly there at his own expense. As I mentioned, we have not even begun to disagree. My kids are still in Illinois. As their schedules allow I will fly them out at my own expense. If I had stayed, the alimony payments would have been set so high that I would have one day every three weeks to see them. There is no house down the street option for me. That part of my life is over. What my future looks like is unknown until crap gets settled, and there is a lot of crap to settle. I am not looking for sympathy, just giving you a glimpse of what my breakup is like. The fact yours went so smoothly is admirable, and perhaps even worthy of envy. You do still have some challenges that I do not, though. It is a bad thing to go through these brain storming sessions in text form so that you are ready if it happens in real life?
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 29, 2018 13:07:33 GMT -5
I think everyone wishes you the best. At the same time, we may think of some potential challenges that you have overlooked, and our mentioning them may help you navigate them better.
If what you want is only people to agree with you and regard your actions with rose colored lenses then this isn’t the place to hang out. If you want support and honest feedback from people who have been in similar situations and have nothing to gain or lose from yours then this is the place to hang out in.
Whatever you choose, I hope things work out the way you are hoping. Your job isn’t to make decisions that please us but to live your life in a way that meets your needs and values.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 29, 2018 16:59:27 GMT -5
This thread has turned out to have some very bizarre and gut wrenching words. Far too forward,and can have the power to drive someone away. None of us are psychologists, but we sure do tend to recommend seeing one. My own experience with one for years, showed me they don't use such harsh ,abrupt approaches. Yes, people do have those "Aha" moments and then express them in their posts, giving more information. I will speak for myself regarding @surfergirls posts. I was/am an avid follower, and I remember her situation being "more than normal". She even mentioned in this post that her and her H., DID go to attorneys and the attorneys could not figure things out. I'm not going to question that and ask all about it, unless she wants to talk about it. surfergirl also has posted about her previous, background experience with announcing divorce, and the chaos it caused with the family. I will say, understandably , that people do tend to "pop back up" on here and expect others to remember their story. I also believe that stories of having to move a few doors down,are way more common than you think, and haven't made it's way to the forum. Does that make the "whoa nelly!" feedback acceptable? When people comment off the cuff without looking into some background? I personally do not want to be responding, "no, that's not true at all,and I have discussed that in my previous posts". There are "things to be known" and they have been posted before. I would not expect everyone to remember those things If I had been gone for a while! That makes things a bit difficult. Also some of our members that where offering support are gone, and some are new. The new ones don't have that prior info. (like a councilor would) Kudos to those who say " I went back and read some of your previous posts. That is being more "thick skinned". I also have a level of empathy for someone who is "thin skinned" right now going through a divorce, completing it, and building a house,running a business, raising a family, and finding their sexual side, all at the same time! (building a house, dealing with contractors- that's an entire thread in itself!) I'm sure my point of view will offend others, and that's okay, others offend me too, and I press forward. ( None of this answers surfergirl only questions, Why did he say no? And why was he mean like that and then laugh and have a good time at dinner?)
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Post by workingonit on Jun 29, 2018 18:07:24 GMT -5
surfergirl I am actually super impressed with the way you are managing it. There is not one way to get out of a relationship just as there is not one way to be in one! Every relationship is unique and so is every child, every family and every divorce. You are handling it the way your maternal knowledge and love amd instincts are telling you to- good for you and them! Stay the course. You know this may be rough but it sounds like you and the ex are willing to think outside the box to get what is best for your kids. That is huge and a great gift. And a cheap divorce? Also indicated parents who are putting the bigger things first. Inspiring! ironhamster 's story shows how petty and mean divorce can be. The more she tries to punish him with stupid fees and the like the LESS money there will be for the kids and for their continued relationship with both parents. Just selfish.
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