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Post by DryCreek on Jun 27, 2018 19:25:22 GMT -5
Question for the forum: We rehabbed and flipped houses for many years. I had a question for my husband about the house being built by a general contractor. It’s six doors down. I asked him if he’d look at something specific, and he said, “No.” Why did he say no? Denial? Felt like the subject property is rubbing his nose in the divorce? Making a point that if you want to be independent of him, that you need to find your answers elsewhere? “Hey, the guillotine I’m going to use on you is jammed. Can you come help me fix it?”
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 27, 2018 20:13:18 GMT -5
Congratulations!
I am glad you could both face the reality of the situation, and settle your estate quickly.
I am sure you will get condolences from some people. I often let them know that divorce is a sad thing when two people love each other and want to stay together and get a divorce, but, that is not what is happening.
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Post by elynne on Jun 27, 2018 21:03:00 GMT -5
^^^^ Keep in mind he regrets his behavior toward me and “is trying to win back his wife”. (Apparently he has given up.) Why be mean like that but cook a beautiful dinner for the whole family the same night? And we eat together with laughing and stories like normal? Because he’d prefer the status quo. He wants a rewind button that returns you to the point where you’re questioning yourself and trying really hard. That puts him at the center of his universe. You standing up for yourself, being independent, not revolving around him; that’s not what he wants at all! Makes perfect sense. He will do his best to make you associate negative emotions with things that support your new independence (ie. new house) and will try to get you to associate positive emotions with staying in his orbit. But enough time wasted wondering what he’s thinking. What do you think? Ex-h is being a childish ass? He looks like a grown man, but boy can he act like a toddler? And by the way, Congratulations!
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 27, 2018 21:13:53 GMT -5
surfergirl, did I read that right? $173? I am five figures deep already, not counting support, and we have not even begun disagreeing, yet.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 27, 2018 21:14:57 GMT -5
^^^^ Keep in mind he regrets his behavior toward me and “is trying to win back his wife”. (Apparently he has given up.) Why be mean like that but cook a beautiful dinner for the whole family the same night? And we eat together with laughing and stories like normal? More fake mask? Only this time he will be all the more conscience of "scoring points with the children". That is all too common in divorce. He sounds like quite a salesman. Very surfacey. You know the real" ex." Again, enjoy the nice turn in the roller coaster, arms in the air!!
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2018 3:15:59 GMT -5
I think it’s a big mistake to have not told your kids yet that you were divorcing. For you all to be living together with your kids not knowing you are divorced and will be lmoving down the street is bizarre and will be gut wrenching for your kids when they find out. My mother hid important info from me. Her excuse was that she didn’t want to worry or upset me. It was far more worrisome and upsetting to learn that she had acted like everything was ok when something major was upending her life. An example was when I was in my mid 20s and living a 5 hour drive away and she didn’t tell me for 6 months that my dad was hospitalized with a stroke.
Hiding vital info will make your kids feel that they can’t trust you and that at any time, their life may be upended again. Please talk to a therapist about how best to tell them and to arrange support for them. ] Keep in mind, too that a lot of therapists go on vacation during the summer. The longer you wait, the longer your kids will have to wait to get therapy to help them through this abrupt change.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 28, 2018 7:59:28 GMT -5
Congratulations on the affordability and so-far apparent ease with which you got the paperwork done. I’m really wary of you having it all completed while not telling the kids. I would feel betrayed if I was one of them. I hope that goes okay for you, but I have serious doubts about this approach. I think he said no to your request because he could. If you want to move out & move on, you’ll find someone else to look at the specific thing about the house. Try not to rely on or need him for anything. And the dinner was to keep up appearances for the kids who don’t know anything. You will be framed as betraying the family on a whim. I don’t think it will be pretty. He will point to the secretiveness and tell the kids “I wanted to tell you but SHE wanted to pretend things were fine & sneak out on all of us without telling you” Good luck with these next chapters, surfergirl. I get the feeling you’re going to need it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 28, 2018 8:26:34 GMT -5
I'm holding back on any advice/or opinions on when to tell the kids. You really have to be there, and find out a wealth of info. surfergirl does see a phycologist and sounds like someone who does her research, all in the midst of things being loopy! My own experience about timing was very different. It's been discussed in different threads. Mostly that it could have waited. I was sold a "could be 90 days" approach and it took over 2 years. If I had waited a year I believe my older boys would not have disconnected from me like they have. Too many factors in their life right now (and 2 yrs ago) revolve around money and finances. With knowing about the divorce, my ex received the control over all financial decisions in our household, leading to my boys distancing themselves from me, and who knows where the fear and hate against dad has come from? Each case/family has similarities and differences. My decision to be 2 miles away, stay together in the house, etc... was all attempts to not disrupt their lives as much as possible while moving forward.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 28, 2018 8:41:50 GMT -5
At this point your ex will do things you don't understand. The trick now is to stop thinking about it.
Easier said than done.
My ex does things from time to time that get me onto a hamster wheel. Even about a year out I still get in the wheel from time to time.
It won't be quick but the best advice is to stop giving a fuck about what they do. This even applies when he does something you see as bad for the kids. He gets to raise them his way now just as you get to.
Like I said... Easier said than done.
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Post by surfergirl on Jun 28, 2018 9:40:33 GMT -5
While I enjoy the forum's input, I'm not really asking for advice about when to tell the kids.
We told the kids too early the last time I filed and it was devastating -- I ended up withdrawing the divorce because the husband tricked me into a reset. (I agreed to stay under the conditions that he stayed in therapy and a few other stipulations. As soon as I withdrew the petition, he relaxed and reverted.)
The other factors are that my husband and half my children aren't even in town and won't be for another 12 days. I will tell them the very first day we are all together again. I also wanted to walk my kids down to the new house now that it has doors, walls, flooring so that they can pick out their bedrooms. It's hard for a kid to imagine a cute bedroom with just some framing up. It is now closer to being finished. I wanted to show them HOW DIVORCE IS GOING TO LOOK for them. The last time, my husband said, "Your mother is leaving us," while I protested and it was a shit show because I had no concrete plan.
I have no plan on "tricking" them, but rather, telling them what is true (we did divorce), and this is what life is going to look like next month when I move out and we have 50/50 custody. That I love them dearly and it is not their fault. And that the friendly show their father and I have been putting on at dinner time is not a show or a trick. We are friends, and we will remain friends and civil for their sakes.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 28, 2018 9:54:57 GMT -5
I lost track of how many times, "I was going to be divorced". I would go out looking at houses and neighborhoods. Even though the divorce was announced a year and a half ago, I waited, and waited until the final outcome ,and then included my teens in the decision process of which house to buy. Something that affected them greatly, and I wanted them to be a part of.
I also remember the questions, " when is it going to happen? Are we going to move? Will I have my own room? What days will it be? And me saying,"I'm sorry you have to think about this stuff. I'm sorry that it was announced to soon. Who knew it would take this long? I'm working on it. Hopefully next season." Then I would find myself saying" at the end of this season". Then it didn't happen. So yea waiting to tell the kids, can be better.
Although I will never forget the comfort and support I received from my teens. A learning experience!
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Divorced
Jun 28, 2018 10:38:49 GMT -5
via mobile
JMX likes this
Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2018 10:38:49 GMT -5
“I have no plan on "tricking" them, but rather, telling them what is true (we did divorce), and this is what life is going to look like next month when I move out and we have 50/50 custody. That I love them dearly and it is not their fault. And that the friendly show their father and I have been putting on at dinner time is not a show or a trick. We are friends, and we will remain friends and civil for their sakes.”
I hope you have talked to your therapist about these plans and also have lined up some family therapy to help your kids adjust.
Your kids may feel that they were tricked since you and your husband have been acting normally — like you are happily married. Meanwhile you have divorced him and have made arrangements to move out. The normalcy of everything as your marriage fell apart could cause your kids to wonder what else is wrong in the family that has not been disclosed to them. They also may question how much they can trust you. You previously announced a divorce then didn’t, leaving the kids to believe the marriage is permanent. Now you are divorced but you and your husband still act like you are married. The kids may wonder what is real and whether you will change your mind again. They may feel on guard awaiting the next shoe to fall.
All reason to line up family therapy to help them with the transition.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 28, 2018 10:58:56 GMT -5
@sufergirl I think it’s a good idea to wait until all the kids are together. Also good that the house will be more prepared for them because kids have questions.
Kids don’t have a say in whether we stay married or we don’t but as parents we do our best to provide for our children. You are a good mom. If your kids need therapy that may be a good idea. Don’t go by how they react when you first tell them because there will most likely be tears but kids are pretty resilient. My kids did not need therapy.
One question my 9 year old asked me privately the night we told the kids: “Who’s idea was this?” (Which I thought was a very insightful question) I answered her with a question “Who’s idea do you think it was?” She said “your because daddy is always yelling at you”. I said “yes and people do not have to be around people that don’t treat them right whether it’s a husband, wife, boyfriend, friend, co worker”.
I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life. Divorce is not the end of the world it’s actually a new beginning!!
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 28, 2018 10:59:46 GMT -5
surfergirlI think it’s a good idea to wait until all the kids are together. Also good that the house will be more prepared for them because kids have questions. Kids don’t have a say in whether we stay married or we don’t but as parents we do our best to provide for our children. You are a good mom. If your kids need therapy that may be a good idea. Don’t go by how they react when you first tell them because there will most likely be tears but kids are pretty resilient. My kids did not need therapy. One question my 9 year old asked me privately the night we told the kids: “Who’s idea was this?” (Which I thought was a very insightful question) I answered her with a question “Who’s idea do you think it was?” She said “your because daddy is always yelling at you”. I said “yes and people do not have to be around people that don’t treat them right whether it’s a husband, wife, boyfriend, friend, co worker”. I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life. Divorce is not the end of the world it’s actually a new beginning!!
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Divorced
Jun 28, 2018 11:19:04 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2018 11:19:04 GMT -5
It is normal for kids — even adult offspring— to have strong emotions, especially depression and anger when parents divorce. Given that, and the fact that she has 5 children at home, it would be prudent to line up some family therapy for after the divorce announcement. If it’s not needed, canceling will be easy. If it is needed, if she waits until after the announcement it could be months before an appointment is needed.
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