catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jun 28, 2018 9:14:26 GMT -5
“My wife rarely accompanies me on business trips. She did a few times, but she realized I have so little down time on a trip, it is not worth it.
We do travel for pleasure about 4 times a year. That use to almost, always mean a lot of sex, but we took several trips in a row with zero sex. The last trip we took, about 4 months ago did result in sex, which was the last time before Sunday we had sex again.
I am hoping when I come home from this trip, there is hope.”
I can see that about not enough downtime on a business trip to make it worthwhile. I guess it depends on where you’re going and her frame of mind about how to fill the time when you’re working.
What are your wife’s reasons for her decreased interest? Can she discern what causes her to be interested vs not interested? And is she open to talking about this? Does she acknowledge that lack of sex is problematic for you?
(So many questions, I know! Trying to get a picture of what’s going on.)
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Post by time4intimacy on Jun 28, 2018 13:51:15 GMT -5
My wife acknowledges there is a lack of sex. She even has said none of our friends would blame you for leaving given our sex life and I know it is my fault. As for a reason, she told me, she has no issues when she initiates. However, if I am the one to initiate it feels to her like she is being taken advantage of.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 28, 2018 17:21:06 GMT -5
Well, after 4 months it happened again for me. It was Sunday night, the night before I was leaving on a business trip to France with my 30 something female (prior model) sales rep. My wife will never admit jealously or insecurity, but the last time we had sex is after I had a 5 day trip with my sales rep in the states. My sales rep lives in the Netherlands. Regardless of the reason we did have sex. My wife started to makes some sexual comments and I took the opportunity to make a move and she actually reciprocated. Sex was going pretty well, although a bit strange after going 4 months without. I did have an issue, she got off and enjoyed her orgasm and then it happened, I popped my shoulder out and ended up rolling over in pain before finishing. I can't believe it, finally having sex again (probably still will not get to 10 times this year) and I actually injure myself during the act and was in so much pain I could not finish I am afraid the rain check will be another 4 months. UGH. How do you pop your shoulder out during sex?!!! My thoughts go to exotic tantric positions or overly enthusiastic thrusting. If you're a big guy and don't want to crush your partner, you might want to take some of your weight off in ordinary missionary by propping yourself up. Couple that with a bum shoulder and it can hurt pretty good. Nothing tantric. Just considerate.
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Post by elynne on Jun 28, 2018 17:33:40 GMT -5
I was so curious, I completely neglected to wish you a speedy recovery!
Please accept my apology for the late well wishes.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 28, 2018 17:49:20 GMT -5
My wife acknowledges there is a lack of sex. She even has said none of our friends would blame you for leaving given our sex life and I know it is my fault. As for a reason, she told me, she has no issues when she initiates. However, if I am the one to initiate it feels to her like she is being taken advantage of. Does she have a history of being abused? I don't mean after-school-special-creepy-priest abuse. I mean like a boyfriend who she realized was using her or a borderline date rape type thing? Might be worth asking about. Old hurts can trigger freezing up- and yes, I know this from experience. This "low" level of "abuse" is frequently experienced by women. In fact if a woman becomes sexually active young (teens) she will most likely (yes this is anecdotal but I would be willing to put money on it) have at least one experience of being pushed further than she was ready to go by an eager, horny teenage boyfriend. Or to being used by an eager horny young teen boy. For some that is plenty to cause a level of anxiety or trauma that can be triggered and turn a passionate sex moment into a nightmare. One example for me, for the longest time, I hated to give a blow job if I was asked for one. I was abused by my teenage boyfriend and this was a distinct trigger. I learned to deal with this and to say no and then, likely, circle back around to the blow job on my own terms. I generally would tell partners about this trigger and ask them not to ask directly for it. I also made sure, knowing how much men love BJs, to initiate them often so they would not have to ask! There are some great techniques and advice to help someone overcome and learn to move past triggers from the past. Sometimes just pausing in the action, allowing her a minute to breathe, then having her start it again can be enough. There are lots of other techniques and ways to overcome this.
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Post by ihadalove on Jun 28, 2018 18:12:41 GMT -5
I'll have to add shoulder dislocation to the list of reasons I wouldn't want to get it on. Feel better soon!
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2018 18:38:32 GMT -5
"My wife acknowledges there is a lack of sex. She even has said none of our friends would blame you for leaving given our sex life and I know it is my fault. As for a reason, she told me, she has no issues when she initiates. However, if I am the one to initiate it feels to her like she is being taken advantage "
Whatever her reason for being so controlling about sex, she apparently is comfortable with it because she's not seeking help to change. And it's not going to change unless she chooses to work on changing it. By "work on" i mean she needs to cooperate with the help of a professional who is trained to assist people with sexual aversions.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 28, 2018 21:59:48 GMT -5
My wife acknowledges there is a lack of sex. She even has said none of our friends would blame you for leaving given our sex life and I know it is my fault. As for a reason, she told me, she has no issues when she initiates. However, if I am the one to initiate it feels to her like she is being taken advantage of. She sounds like a prime candidate for solo therapy to work through whatever is causing her this anxiety. She sounds ready, willing, and able - but needs some help to overcome some issue in her past. This situation sounds a lot more fixable than many stories that come through here... if she’s willing and motivated to try and fix it.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 28, 2018 22:03:09 GMT -5
"She sounds like a prime candidate for solo therapy to work through whatever is causing her this anxiety. She sounds ready, willing, and able - but needs some help to overcome some issue in her past."
Where's the evidence? Is she in therapy? If she's ready, willing and able then she would be getting the professional help to overcome her sexual aversions. She wouldn't be expecting her h to accommodate himself to her aversion to sex.
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Post by tirefire on Jun 29, 2018 22:32:25 GMT -5
time4intimacy, ouch! I hope you can get that strengthened so it doesn't happen again. I can't help but think how much that must hurt. Take care.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 30, 2018 10:29:56 GMT -5
"She sounds like a prime candidate for solo therapy to work through whatever is causing her this anxiety. She sounds ready, willing, and able - but needs some help to overcome some issue in her past." Where's the evidence? Is she in therapy? If she's ready, willing and able then she would be getting the professional help to overcome her sexual aversions. She wouldn't be expecting her h to accommodate himself to her aversion to sex. You seem to see the glass half-empty here, while I see it half-full. Then again, you’re the one in the fabulous relationship, and I’m the one struggling with discontent... No, she’s not in therapy. Shame on her. Maybe that’s where the story ends, maybe not. In my experience, the obvious is not always apparent to the participants. She *is* a woman who acknowledges the lack of sex, isn’t afraid to mention it, seems remorseful about it, and actually does enjoy it when she initiates. That alone is leaps and bounds better than many here are dealing with. She has an issue with him initiating. Regardless of root cause, I see this as a focused issue that could be overcome with help. time4intimacy hasn’t said that she refuses to seek counseling, so suggesting it isn’t exactly a waste of typing. While the issue is often too vague for counseling to help, I don’t think that’s the case here.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 1, 2018 8:37:06 GMT -5
I thought ready, willing & able was an optimistic categorization but: Ready, admitting there’s a problem- yes. Checkmark. Willing - ok, this seems unproven. If she IS willing to seek counseling, she has a fair chance of getting over her hang up. Able - yes, definite checkmark. Because if she’s into it when she initiates and only has a hang up about partner-initiated sex, well it really may not take eons of therapy to make changes in that attitude.
I definitely agree this sounds “better than the average” SM that comes around the forum.
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 7, 2018 5:25:01 GMT -5
I was so curious, I completely neglected to wish you a speedy recovery! Please accept my apology for the late well wishes. Thank You!
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 7, 2018 5:31:18 GMT -5
Does she have a history of being abused? I don't mean after-school-special-creepy-priest abuse. I mean like a boyfriend who she realized was using her or a borderline date rape type thing? Might be worth asking about. Old hurts can trigger freezing up- and yes, I know this from experience. This "low" level of "abuse" is frequently experienced by women. In fact if a woman becomes sexually active young (teens) she will most likely (yes this is anecdotal but I would be willing to put money on it) have at least one experience of being pushed further than she was ready to go by an eager, horny teenage boyfriend. Or to being used by an eager horny young teen boy. For some that is plenty to cause a level of anxiety or trauma that can be triggered and turn a passionate sex moment into a nightmare. One example for me, for the longest time, I hated to give a blow job if I was asked for one. I was abused by my teenage boyfriend and this was a distinct trigger. I learned to deal with this and to say no and then, likely, circle back around to the blow job on my own terms. I generally would tell partners about this trigger and ask them not to ask directly for it. I also made sure, knowing how much men love BJs, to initiate them often so they would not have to ask! There are some great techniques and advice to help someone overcome and learn to move past triggers from the past. Sometimes just pausing in the action, allowing her a minute to breathe, then having her start it again can be enough. There are lots of other techniques and ways to overcome this. Thanks for the question and sorry for the delay, I have been on vacation and took a break from the computer for a week. She did have an experience with her first husband when she was 18, she went to bed and his friend came into her room when her husband was in the other room. She woke up and the friend was rubbing her crouch and groping her. The husband never defended her and she felt very violated. Sometimes she seems to have a trigger to that past and probably why she feels fine if she initiates (which is almost never), but if I initiate she feels like I took advantage of her. I am sure there are great techniques to get past this, but I don't think she is very receptive to getting any help.
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 7, 2018 5:32:53 GMT -5
My wife acknowledges there is a lack of sex. She even has said none of our friends would blame you for leaving given our sex life and I know it is my fault. As for a reason, she told me, she has no issues when she initiates. However, if I am the one to initiate it feels to her like she is being taken advantage of. She sounds like a prime candidate for solo therapy to work through whatever is causing her this anxiety. She sounds ready, willing, and able - but needs some help to overcome some issue in her past. This situation sounds a lot more fixable than many stories that come through here... if she’s willing and motivated to try and fix it. DryCreek, I do think there is some hope in this situation, versus many situations I read on here. Not to mention, we get along very well most of the time and love so many of the same activities.
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