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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 10, 2018 9:06:23 GMT -5
From reading all your posts your W sounds greysexual, or asexual. She can do the least amount to get pregnant, and then she no longer sees the need for it. The latest money to loose weight is all a smoke screen, further delaying her to ever face her fears of intimacy and sex. (this could be from a list of things in her background,or a mental disorder) This reminds me of shamwow story about his ex reading all those steamy novels and locking her bedroom door and him later finding her sex toy sitting out. And yet she/they will not have sex with another partner. Your W certainly has knowledge of what a man would want in passionate pornographic sex,since she views it. If you or your wife choose therapy just read choosinghappy and consider all the years of false hope that will eat away at your own identity. Then think about the toxic environment ,and what kind of example you are setting for your children? You are definitely not showing them what a loving, caring, intimate ,relationship ought to be. These are many of the reasons I am divorced.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 10, 2018 11:13:52 GMT -5
Last night I put my hand on her thigh while sitting next to her on the couch watching tv. We were both fully clothed and our middle son was there -- I didn't mean anything suggestive by it. She took the opportunity to say, "after you get money" (by which, she means more money) anyway. I've lost about 4 kg (8.8 lbs) at this point; it's a good thing I'm not expecting anything. Her behavior is so superficial, it’s nauseating. If her intent is to motivate you to become more than you are, she’s delivering it with the most selfish attitude possible. It sounds as though she has little respect for you. It also sounds like money is the metric by which she measures value. I’ll wager that when you get your paychecks, she has access to the full amount? Maybe she even pays the bills? If so, then in this dynamic you are merely a source of income - one that she deems inadequate. (Does she also have an income? How is that money spent?) If this is the case, consider taking a much more active role in the finances of your household. Be a decision maker; insist upon a budget - one that emphasizes savings and not spending to the limit. (And don’t allow credit cards to be a loophole for end-running the budget.) If she has to justify her discretionary spending, the dynamic will change.
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Post by nyctos on Jul 10, 2018 12:04:18 GMT -5
It sounds as though she has little respect for you. It also sounds like money is the metric by which she measures value. I’ll wager that when you get your paychecks, she has access to the full amount? Maybe she even pays the bills? If so, then in this dynamic you are merely a source of income - one that she deems inadequate. (Does she also have an income? How is that money spent?) Yes, she has full access to my paycheck. She does have a job as well, but recently took a new job for about 10k less to cut down her commute. She makes about a fifth of my salary. She is, however, much better at saving than I am and does not waste money frivolously. From reading all your posts your W sounds greysexual, or asexual. She can do the least amount to get pregnant, and then she no longer sees the need for it. The latest money to loose weight is all a smoke screen, further delaying her to ever face her fears of intimacy and sex. This is possible. Even when the relationship was good: 1) she did not like kissing, and frequently would turn kisses into a joke by blowing, biting, buzzing, etc. 2) when we have had sex, she would avoid letting me see her face in the moment of climax.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 10, 2018 12:59:56 GMT -5
It sounds as though she has little respect for you. It also sounds like money is the metric by which she measures value. I’ll wager that when you get your paychecks, she has access to the full amount? Maybe she even pays the bills? If so, then in this dynamic you are merely a source of income - one that she deems inadequate. (Does she also have an income? How is that money spent?) Yes, she has full access to my paycheck. She does have a job as well, but recently took a new job for about 10k less to cut down her commute. She makes about a fifth of my salary. She is, however, much better at saving than I am and does not waste money frivolously. From reading all your posts your W sounds greysexual, or asexual. She can do the least amount to get pregnant, and then she no longer sees the need for it. The latest money to loose weight is all a smoke screen, further delaying her to ever face her fears of intimacy and sex. This is possible. Even when the relationship was good: 1) she did not like kissing, and frequently would turn kisses into a joke by blowing, biting, buzzing, etc. 2) when we have had sex, she would avoid letting me see her face in the moment of climax. Those two examples you gave make me also think: Yep. Perhaps asexual. I was married to an asexual person. As a heterosexual person, I can tell you it was NOT easy. (And he didn’t even use sex as a bargaining chip in order to manipulate me into doing what he wanted, as your wife does!) I had to come to terms with the fact that we actually have different sexualities! Once I started shifting my perspective things became quite clear for me. He and I split about a few weeks ago.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 10, 2018 14:31:31 GMT -5
Yes, she has full access to my paycheck. She does have a job as well, but recently took a new job for about 10k less to cut down her commute. Wow, there’s some serious double-standard there. I’m all for work/life balance and not sacrificing everything for income, but for her to voluntarily take a reduction and then bust your balls (quite literally) to earn more... that speaks volumes about her valuing you far more for a paycheck than your companionship. She’s quite happy to trade your time for her convenience here; in fact, she’s insisting on it. It’s great that she doesn’t spend frivolously, but if she only values you in terms of money, then you need to make it less convenient for her to get. I suggest you give serious thought to taking a leadership role in the finances of your household. Don’t provide unfettered access to your income. Put your paycheck into a private account, and fund the shared account only enough to cover a budget that you jointly establish - after factoring for an equal percentage of her income to be contributed. Don’t fall for “Your paycheck covers all the shared expenses and mine is used for discretionary spending (i.e., whatever I want)”. She sounds only slightly more sexual than an asexual... that is, she actually acknowledges sex, but only to use it as a tool. She’s unwilling to be sensual and intimate, to the extent of hiding or sabotaging the moments. She probably won’t admit it out of shame / lack of enlightenment / fear of losing a lifestyle (this one sounds very likely), but you don’t push her buttons; you don’t excite her; she doesn’t desire you. Maybe some idealism motivated her to overcome this during your dating phase, but the bottom line is that she’s not into you - whether she’s into other people, porn, etc. is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if she’s really asexual... she is with you. You can spin your wheels to try to understand why, and if there was a triggering event, but the odds of fixing it are low even if you figure it out. The only value in “why chasing” is to raise your awareness for your next relationship.
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Post by nyctos on Jul 10, 2018 15:54:04 GMT -5
Yes, she has full access to my paycheck. She does have a job as well, but recently took a new job for about 10k less to cut down her commute. Wow, there’s some serious double-standard there. I’m all for work/life balance and not sacrificing everything for income, but for her to voluntarily take a reduction and then bust your balls (quite literally) to earn more... that speaks volumes about her valuing you far more for a paycheck than your companionship. She’s quite happy to trade your time for her convenience here; in fact, she’s insisting on it. It’s great that she doesn’t spend frivolously, but if she only values you in terms of money, then you need to make it less convenient for her to get. I suggest you give serious thought to taking a leadership role in the finances of your household. Don’t provide unfettered access to your income. Put your paycheck into a private account, and fund the shared account only enough to cover a budget that you jointly establish - after factoring for an equal percentage of her income to be contributed. Don’t fall for “Your paycheck covers all the shared expenses and mine is used for discretionary spending (i.e., whatever I want)”. Ow. Ow. So my entire sex life has been eight years of pity fuck and two one-night flings. I think I'll go crawl in a corner now and hope it swallows me.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 10, 2018 16:22:49 GMT -5
Ow. Ow. So my entire sex life has been eight years of pity fuck and two one-night flings. I think I'll go crawl in a corner now and hope it swallows me. Yup. I have been there too. When my H finally came out and told me that he literally could not stand touch (sexual or non-sexual) and he would get the fight-or-flight response each time I realized he had been faking it with me for a full decade. Another hard pill to swallow. But it really does help once you start to understand and accept the reality of the situation.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 10, 2018 17:40:06 GMT -5
I'd get that paycheck going to a new account she doesn't see asap, and just spend on the necessities. She makes 1/5 of what you do and complains? Insane. Tell HER to get more money.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 10, 2018 20:46:39 GMT -5
Ow. Ow. So my entire sex life has been eight years of pity fuck and two one-night flings. I think I'll go crawl in a corner now and hope it swallows me. Yup. I have been there too. When my H finally came out and told me that he literally could not stand touch (sexual or non-sexual) and he would get the fight-or-flight response each time I realized he had been faking it with me for a full decade. Another hard pill to swallow. But it really does help once you start to understand and accept the reality of the situation. Sorry, nyctos, not trying to be mean, but not sugar coating it. Assess for yourself. My story has similarities to choosinghappy’s, but much longer. Decades. Obvious issues that W would deny, deflect, or outright refuse to answer. She couldn’t even be bothered to fake it. Sadly, my intuition was right; I never took action because there was always a doubt. So many points along the way where history came so close to changing - a week before the wedding; a year in; 3 years in. ~30 years in, W finally comes clean that I was right all along, and sex is just a duty to her. I’ve never wanted to be so wrong. As bad as 8 years is, 10 / 20 / 30 are worse. It only gets harder to leave, not easier.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 5:33:16 GMT -5
“She makes 1/5 of what you do and complains? Insane. Tell HER to get more money.”
And she voluntarily took a job with a $10k pay cut. Tell her to make up the $10k difference and if she wants another $10k, she needs to fund that. Time to have the balls to stop her holding you hostage. I bet she also does not look perfect. But you aren’t demanding that she gets a boob job or face lift for you to act like her husband.
What you have with her is not love. Letting go of this travesty of a marriage would make room for real love.
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 11, 2018 18:20:30 GMT -5
nyctos , listen to the wisdom of DryCreek , northstarmom and all of the others. You are 8 years into this fuck up. Cut your losses now. I have been married 49 years (longer than most members here have lived) and I can testify to a singular fact. IT. NEVER. GETS. BETTER.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 11, 2018 21:11:58 GMT -5
I was not one to cut my losses, and my marriage went sexless at the altar.
The first year, it would have cost me a thousand dollars to have it annulled. The second year, it might have cost five thousand to get a divorce. Years later, I would have had to pay alimony for a few years. In my state, after twenty years, alimony becomes permanent.
My point is that you should end it quickly. Every year your freedom gets more expensive. Every year I dug in and tried to make the impossible work, the cost went up. That thousand dollars the annulment would have cost is significantly less than she will claim from me every month I am on this side of the dirt.
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Post by nyctos on Jul 12, 2018 5:42:47 GMT -5
nyctos , listen to the wisdom of DryCreek , northstarmom and all of the others. You are 8 years into this fuck up. Cut your losses now. I have been married 49 years (longer than most members here have lived) and I can testify to a singular fact. IT. NEVER. GETS. BETTER. Actually, I should correct a misimpression. My sex life largely ended after my first child was born. That was 18 years ago. The eight years of having a sex life (dating and marriage) was prior to that. Actually, technically we only had sex a couple of times while she was pregnant -- so eight years overstates it.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2018 7:01:06 GMT -5
I don't know -- I watch porn regularly but still desire my wife. Last night I put my hand on her thigh while sitting next to her on the couch watching tv. We were both fully clothed and our middle son was there -- I didn't mean anything suggestive by it. She took the opportunity to say, "after you get money" (by which, she means more money) anyway. I've lost about 4 kg (8.8 lbs) at this point; it's a good thing I'm not expecting anything. Your wife is blatantly prostituting yourself. Except per your original weight loss story, she takes payment in advance and then skips out on the job. She should be fired, like any other prostitute that runs that scam. But if you insist in engaging her services, you should turn everything around, and pay after delivery of services. Put your paycheck into a separate account. Work out a budget that pays only the minimal household expenses and leaves her no discretionary funds. Then decide what a fuck is worth, and the quality you expect from your hooker. After she puts out, and the quality is acceptable then pay her an agreed amount for her discretionary spending. If she gives you duty sex, then either reduce the payment or refuse to pay, and tell her why. This may sound very harsh but it isn't. Such blatant marital prostitution is simply disgusting. Don't start earning more money until after the divorce. Otherwise your hooker will get a cut of it without ever having to put out again.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 12, 2018 19:26:08 GMT -5
You should mind the porn, especially when you are more than willing to meet her desires. Porn has/and will fill her mind with nothing but images of 25 yr old males who spend 6 days a week working out, ( the fantasy 2% of men) even when she is with you , that is where her mind is. Who wants that? She doesn't love you, she loves having you (and your wallet) around. I don't know -- I watch porn regularly but still desire my wife. Last night I put my hand on her thigh while sitting next to her on the couch watching tv. We were both fully clothed and our middle son was there -- I didn't mean anything suggestive by it. She took the opportunity to say, "after you get money" (by which, she means more money) anyway. I've lost about 4 kg (8.8 lbs) at this point; it's a good thing I'm not expecting anything. I'd leave a dollar on her nightstand tonight. Then. Another the next night. Keep putting them on there until she decides you've met her price. If she doesn't reach this point in a couple days (about all she sounds like she's worth), then just scoop up the money and bring it to an attorney as a start on their retainer.
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