|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2018 8:53:41 GMT -5
Today’s Dear Abby letter illustrates what a loving spouse does when they have lost sexual desire for their mate. Note: she did not unilaterally decide sex in the marriage is over. She acknowledged sex makes her husband feel loved. She appears to still engage in sex even though she can only go through the motions. She looks for help.
“DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. With every year that passes, I fall more in love with him. He's a wonderful person who treats me very well.
I could go on and on about how caring and considerate he is. However, when it comes to being intimate, I'm just not interested. I have known him for so long and know him so well that, for me, the "spark" is extinguished. In some ways, he almost feels like a brother, which makes it difficult to have sexual feelings.
I tell him many times a day that I love him, because I do. I want him to know he's my best friend and I care deeply about him. We have tried role playing, games, sexy clothing, etc. -- nothing helps me. I go through the motions when I must, because I know it is one of the ways he expresses his love for me.
I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to know how I can feel excited about being intimate again. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. -- EXTINGUISHED SPARKS
DEAR EXTINGUISHED: My suggestion would be to have a frank talk with your OB/GYN about this, and ask for a referral to an endocrinologist -- a doctor who specializes in hormones. If, after a checkup, your hormone balances are what they should be, some sessions with a psychologist for you -- and a sex therapist for both of you -- might relight the spark that has fizzled. It's worth a try.”
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2018 9:02:15 GMT -5
Today’s Dear Abby letter illustrates what a loving spouse does when they have lost sexual desire for their mate. Note: she did not unilaterally decide sex in the marriage is over. She acknowledged sex makes her husband feel loved. She appears to still engage in sex even though she can only go through the motions. She looks for help. “DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. With every year that passes, I fall more in love with him. He's a wonderful person who treats me very well. I could go on and on about how caring and considerate he is. However, when it comes to being intimate, I'm just not interested. I have known him for so long and know him so well that, for me, the "spark" is extinguished. In some ways, he almost feels like a brother, which makes it difficult to have sexual feelings. I tell him many times a day that I love him, because I do. I want him to know he's my best friend and I care deeply about him. We have tried role playing, games, sexy clothing, etc. -- nothing helps me. I go through the motions when I must, because I know it is one of the ways he expresses his love for me. I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to know how I can feel excited about being intimate again. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. -- EXTINGUISHED SPARKS DEAR EXTINGUISHED: My suggestion would be to have a frank talk with your OB/GYN about this, and ask for a referral to an endocrinologist -- a doctor who specializes in hormones. If, after a checkup, your hormone balances are what they should be, some sessions with a psychologist for you -- and a sex therapist for both of you -- might relight the spark that has fizzled. It's worth a try.” Which just goes to support the assumption here that for people who truly love each other, they try to find solutions because their partner's happiness is important to them. Hopefully the real solution will involve her getting her desire back.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jun 25, 2018 12:46:50 GMT -5
Thinking out loud here.... At some point doesn't it become a choice? We can't always rely on feelings, but the thing is, our thoughts create our feelings. I choose to treat my husband like a sexy beast. I choose to view him as my sexual partner. I stop thoughts that could kill desire for him. We forgive, move on, come back together. He's NOT my brother, so why would I think such a gross thought? He's my one and only, sexy lion. I shall always treat him as such.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 25, 2018 13:29:59 GMT -5
Thinking out loud here.... At some point doesn't it become a choice? We can't always rely on feelings, but the thing is, our thoughts create our feelings. I choose to treat my husband like a sexy beast. I choose to view him as my sexual partner. I stop thoughts that could kill desire for him. We forgive, move on, come back together. He's NOT my brother, so why would I think such a gross thought? He's my one and only, sexy lion. I shall always treat him as such. I remember "attempting that mindset" towards my spouse. Thinking of those ten years of being contempt. Looking back It was so one sided I was only fooling myself. Hey, at least I feel capable of doing that again ,with someone who will equally give back in return. Your story is inspiring!! Keep posting them, you get my vote.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 25, 2018 18:30:45 GMT -5
I often wonder about these sort of claims from refusers (and refused spouses too for that matter) - "With every year that passes, I fall more in love with him"
What I wonder, is *who* she is trying to convince... Her husband ? Dear Abby ? Herself ?
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Jun 26, 2018 3:38:05 GMT -5
@windsister - I haven't been in my relationship as long as you have, but because we have an awesome domesticity I suppose it could be possible to slip into old patterns - for him and for me - of the infrequent sex or no sex that we had with other partners. We ended up having a 'no sex' weekend because he was sick, his ex kicked off with some major drama, and we had kids and a house visitor who interrupted our mornings. We're back on track now though even though we're both feeling a little low. I agree with you, it is a choice. I do see my partner as super hot and I choose to express my sexuality with him. I also choose to engage with him sexually even when I don't 'feel like it' - it's easy for me to do this, because it doesn't take me too long to feel like it. But it's not just going through the motions except for the first minute or two. Like greatcoastal - I also tried to have that mindset toward my refuser ex. I never refused sex when he infrequently wanted it even though it wasn't good. I don't want to go into all the ways it wasn't good - but it wasn't. And yes - it turned out that my willingness to do this was completely one-sided. When it isn't one-sided then you can go through all the crap days and still turn to one another in love. We had a terrible weekend this weekend - both of us had episodes of being our worst selves - but we actually kept it together for the kids and for each other and weren't unkind, but supportive to each other in those moments of weakness.
|
|