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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 7, 2018 5:48:07 GMT -5
I think determining when it is OK to have sex with someone else or moving on after a separation totally depends on your specific circumstances. I know when I got divorced the first time, I was not mentally ready to have sex with anyone and I was a basket case. My ex wife was cheating on me with one of my "best friends". I did not go out with anyone during our separation nor did I have sex with anyone. I started to date after my divorce and did not have sex with anyone until I was in a relationship for at least 6 weeks.
From what I gather in your post, mentally you seem very ready to move on and have really thought out this situation. If I were in your shoes, I could not wait to have sex again and live a little. However, just like JMX said, I would not flaunt it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 10, 2018 19:55:00 GMT -5
Well that’s what I was wondering snowman12345 - he knows I need to get out of this marriage so I can have sex again! So he must assume I’m going to be looking for a way for that to happen. What are the “rules” on separation? Is it acceptable to be with someone else when you’re separated? Or is that a solid no and just wishful thinking on my part? Besides the rules for what a lawyer will recommend. their are two or three other areas to think about. A time for grieving. A time for finding yourself, and self healing. And how much easier it is to meet people with the intend of sex and intimacy and be able to out right honestly have no strings attached. Still going through a divorce does mean you are still legally married. Yesterday I met many single woman at a meetup group. I found myself saying " I've been divorced for 3 months". Then I felt compelled to back that with, " My whole divorce process took 3 yrs, so I am well over it". Wishing you joy in your new journey. I wanted to add a little more to this. Then there are cases like ours " we may have been married, but the separation happened a long, long time ago". You would think most spouses would comprehend that. Even if they don't or refuse to admit to it, there is the rest of today's masses that find divorce the norm and acceptable and fully understand ,finding someone else already.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 15, 2018 11:49:45 GMT -5
I would lay low for at least 6 months. You need to also check the legal situation. Some states are prudish and count dating during separation as adultery and are punitive. Things may be going well now, but if your ex thinks that you left him for someone else (even though I know that's not quite what's happening) then he may be (justifiably?) hurt and lash out in the way that he can hurt you and that's $$. Thanks to all for your input. elkclan2 I did talk to my lawyer about how the discovery of adultery could impact my divorce (in my state) and the answer is: It won't. (Here's that thread: iliasm.org/thread/4438/discovery-adultery-impact-divorceBut what it likely COULD do is, as shamwow put it, pour gasoline on the fire. And our fire is burning very very low right now (read: it's been incredibly amicable thus far) so I certainly do not want to purposely inflame things. As time4intimacy suggested, yes I am having fun ;-) I haven't waited to have sex and I did outsource during the last 9 months of my marriage. I agree that it certainly would not be smart to flaunt it but I was just curious as to people's perceptions of when it's considered socially acceptable to be more open about dating again. Perhaps that is not until the divorce is final. If that's the case so be it, and I can still keep it under wraps. But I AM looking forward to the time when I won't have to hide it anymore. I think THAT will feel like real freedom to me @geekgoddess . So as for other updates: Over the last week or two, H has officially moved all of his stuff out and into a new apartment. Our son is there with him right now for the first time, actually. I am looking at smaller houses so I can downsize, and am considering putting in an offer on one already. I've been busy with trying to prep our current house for sale. Things are still very amicable with H. He finally talked to his family about our divorce and reached out to some friends as well. One of the factors that made it hard for me to choose divorce was the fact that I am so close with his family. It would be sad to no longer have a relationship with them. But within 12 hours of H talking with them, every single one of them reached out to me to offer love and support and say that they hope we can still continue a relationship. That makes me so incredibly happy and relieved. We have decided to proceed with a collaborative divorce and I think and hope that will go well. He told me I could pick the lawyer so I've been researching, just haven't decided on the right one yet. Also, he followed through on his promise to transfer my half of our recent large $$ influx immediately into my new personal account. He has done everything he said he would do without hesitation and at this point I have no reason not to trust him moving forward. (I will still be sure to cover my ass though just in case things aren't always so friendly.) So basically at this point, things are better than I could have hoped. We'll see how it all plays out when we sit down and actually draw up paperwork but I am hopeful the goodwill will continue. And just in general, I am hopeful. Damn, it feels good to have hope again. I still have fear at times of how I will make everything work on my own as a single mom (of a child with special needs) but I feel really good about the future. It feels great to say that.
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Post by surfergirl on Jul 15, 2018 12:08:30 GMT -5
choosinghappyI'm divorced and announced it publicly on Facebook to over 1000+ "friends". I kind of wondered why nobody asked me out yet. A good friend of mine pulled me aside and told me "there is a six month rule in this town". So that's that.
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Post by flounder on Jul 15, 2018 13:48:35 GMT -5
choosinghappyI'm divorced and announced it publicly on Facebook to over 1000+ "friends". I kind of wondered why nobody asked me out yet. A good friend of mine pulled me aside and told me "there is a six month rule in this town". So that's that. Courteous in your town aren’t they ? I wouldn’t bet on it.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 15, 2018 13:52:18 GMT -5
choosinghappyI'm divorced and announced it publicly on Facebook to over 1000+ "friends". I kind of wondered why nobody asked me out yet. A good friend of mine pulled me aside and told me "there is a six month rule in this town". So that's that. "In this town"? There is a whole world out there, and if there is anyone on here that has access to it, it is you. But, to be fair, while I could argue that I found a better match in a LDR and you could, too, it is obviously not an ideal situation.
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Post by flounder on Jul 15, 2018 13:54:04 GMT -5
I would lay low for at least 6 months. You need to also check the legal situation. Some states are prudish and count dating during separation as adultery and are punitive. Things may be going well now, but if your ex thinks that you left him for someone else (even though I know that's not quite what's happening) then he may be (justifiably?) hurt and lash out in the way that he can hurt you and that's $$. Thanks to all for your input. elkclan2 I did talk to my lawyer about how the discovery of adultery could impact my divorce (in my state) and the answer is: It won't. (Here's that thread: iliasm.org/thread/4438/discovery-adultery-impact-divorceBut what it likely COULD do is, as shamwow put it, pour gasoline on the fire. And our fire is burning very very low right now (read: it's been incredibly amicable thus far) so I certainly do not want to purposely inflame things. As time4intimacy suggested, yes I am having fun ;-) I haven't waited to have sex and I did outsource during the last 9 months of my marriage. I agree that it certainly would not be smart to flaunt it but I was just curious as to people's perceptions of when it's considered socially acceptable to be more open about dating again. Perhaps that is not until the divorce is final. If that's the case so be it, and I can still keep it under wraps. But I AM looking forward to the time when I won't have to hide it anymore. I think THAT will feel like real freedom to me @geekgoddess . So as for other updates: Over the last week or two, H has officially moved all of his stuff out and into a new apartment. Our son is there with him right now for the first time, actually. I am looking at smaller houses so I can downsize, and am considering putting in an offer on one already. I've been busy with trying to prep our current house for sale. Things are still very amicable with H. He finally talked to his family about our divorce and reached out to some friends as well. One of the factors that made it hard for me to choose divorce was the fact that I am so close with his family. It would be sad to no longer have a relationship with them. But within 12 hours of H talking with them, every single one of them reached out to me to offer love and support and say that they hope we can still continue a relationship. That makes me so incredibly happy and relieved. We have decided to proceed with a collaborative divorce and I think and hope that will go well. He told me I could pick the lawyer so I've been researching, just haven't decided on the right one yet. Also, he followed through on his promise to transfer my half of our recent large $$ influx immediately into my new personal account. He has done everything he said he would do without hesitation and at this point I have no reason not to trust him moving forward. (I will still be sure to cover my ass though just in case things aren't always so friendly.) So basically at this point, things are better than I could have hoped. We'll see how it all plays out when we sit down and actually draw up paperwork but I am hopeful the goodwill will continue. And just in general, I am hopeful. Damn, it feels good to have hope again. I still have fear at times of how I will make everything work on my own as a single mom (of a child with special needs) but I feel really good about the future. It feels great to say that. Bravo. You will do just fine
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 15, 2018 14:06:50 GMT -5
lsurfergirl said: "I'm divorced and announced it publicly on Facebook to over 1000+ "friends". I kind of wondered why nobody asked me out yet. A good friend of mine pulled me aside and told me "there is a six month rule in this town".
So that's that."
No it's not. Surely everyone in town doesn't think that way. Host a party and invite whom you choose, and then follow up with coffee dates with the men you'd like to know better.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jul 15, 2018 14:30:38 GMT -5
I would lay low for at least 6 months. You need to also check the legal situation. Some states are prudish and count dating during separation as adultery and are punitive. Things may be going well now, but if your ex thinks that you left him for someone else (even though I know that's not quite what's happening) then he may be (justifiably?) hurt and lash out in the way that he can hurt you and that's $$. Thanks to all for your input. elkclan2 I did talk to my lawyer about how the discovery of adultery could impact my divorce (in my state) and the answer is: It won't. (Here's that thread: iliasm.org/thread/4438/discovery-adultery-impact-divorceBut what it likely COULD do is, as shamwow put it, pour gasoline on the fire. And our fire is burning very very low right now (read: it's been incredibly amicable thus far) so I certainly do not want to purposely inflame things. As time4intimacy suggested, yes I am having fun ;-) I haven't waited to have sex and I did outsource during the last 9 months of my marriage. I agree that it certainly would not be smart to flaunt it but I was just curious as to people's perceptions of when it's considered socially acceptable to be more open about dating again. Perhaps that is not until the divorce is final. If that's the case so be it, and I can still keep it under wraps. But I AM looking forward to the time when I won't have to hide it anymore. I think THAT will feel like real freedom to me @geekgoddess . So as for other updates: Over the last week or two, H has officially moved all of his stuff out and into a new apartment. Our son is there with him right now for the first time, actually. I am looking at smaller houses so I can downsize, and am considering putting in an offer on one already. I've been busy with trying to prep our current house for sale. Things are still very amicable with H. He finally talked to his family about our divorce and reached out to some friends as well. One of the factors that made it hard for me to choose divorce was the fact that I am so close with his family. It would be sad to no longer have a relationship with them. But within 12 hours of H talking with them, every single one of them reached out to me to offer love and support and say that they hope we can still continue a relationship. That makes me so incredibly happy and relieved. We have decided to proceed with a collaborative divorce and I think and hope that will go well. He told me I could pick the lawyer so I've been researching, just haven't decided on the right one yet. Also, he followed through on his promise to transfer my half of our recent large $$ influx immediately into my new personal account. He has done everything he said he would do without hesitation and at this point I have no reason not to trust him moving forward. (I will still be sure to cover my ass though just in case things aren't always so friendly.) So basically at this point, things are better than I could have hoped. We'll see how it all plays out when we sit down and actually draw up paperwork but I am hopeful the goodwill will continue. And just in general, I am hopeful. Damn, it feels good to have hope again. I still have fear at times of how I will make everything work on my own as a single mom (of a child with special needs) but I feel really good about the future. It feels great to say that. With things going this good, I would lay low to make sure it stays that way. It sounds like your divorce could non stressful and over quick. I wouldn't want to risk messing that up.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 15, 2018 19:43:39 GMT -5
choosinghappyI'm divorced and announced it publicly on Facebook to over 1000+ "friends". I kind of wondered why nobody asked me out yet. A good friend of mine pulled me aside and told me "there is a six month rule in this town". So that's that. The early bird gets the worm. Let us know how soon that social moratorium ends. Besides, it’s a divorce not a funeral.
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Post by baza on Jul 15, 2018 23:43:34 GMT -5
In light of your update, it does indeed look like an amicable split. It appears that everything your spouse has said (in regard to the split) he has done. He has clawed back a bit of cred.
It is possible that he is just as relieved as you that this untenable situation is nearing its' end and is looking at a completely new co-parenting based relationship with you. Possibly he has 'the guilts' about not coming clean during the courting stage about his old and unresolved issues, as really, that's where the whole problem started from.
It would still be smart to keep your guard up as this part of your process plays out.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 16, 2018 5:11:33 GMT -5
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 17, 2018 3:13:20 GMT -5
choosinghappy I'm divorced and announced it publicly on Facebook to over 1000+ "friends". I kind of wondered why nobody asked me out yet. A good friend of mine pulled me aside and told me "there is a six month rule in this town". So that's that. It might be time to move. Sounds like a fake rule.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 17, 2018 3:29:56 GMT -5
"As time4intimacy suggested, yes I am having fun ;-) I haven't waited to have sex and I did outsource during the last 9 months of my marriage. I agree that it certainly would not be smart to flaunt it but I was just curious as to people's perceptions of when it's considered socially acceptable to be more open about dating again. Perhaps that is not until the divorce is final. If that's the case so be it, and I can still keep it under wraps. But I AM looking forward to the time when I won't have to hide it anymore. I think THAT will feel like real freedom to me @geekgoddess ."
You are the one who determines that. When I decided to divorce, my h revealed he had been having an affair and was supporting a toddler he thought he had fathered. I said that since he had been doing his own thing, we both should be able to do our own thing while we divorced. I joined dating sites (one of my adult sons took my picture and told me about the site) and in my profile said I was separated awaiting divorce. We lived together as polite roommates for a year until he retired and moved abroad. Our divorce was final a month later. By then, I'd already been dating for several months the man who 5 years later, I'm still with.
I think my life is my business. My friends supported my actions. Probably there were others who didn't but their opinions don't matter to me.
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 17, 2018 4:00:09 GMT -5
"As time4intimacy suggested, yes I am having fun ;-) I haven't waited to have sex and I did outsource during the last 9 months of my marriage. I agree that it certainly would not be smart to flaunt it but I was just curious as to people's perceptions of when it's considered socially acceptable to be more open about dating again. Perhaps that is not until the divorce is final. If that's the case so be it, and I can still keep it under wraps. But I AM looking forward to the time when I won't have to hide it anymore. I think THAT will feel like real freedom to me @geekgoddess ." You are the one who determines that. When I decided to divorce, my h revealed he had been having an affair and was supporting a toddler he thought he had fathered. I said that since he had been doing his own thing, we both should be able to do our own thing while we divorced. I joined dating sites (one of my adult sons took my picture and told me about the site) and in my profile said I was separated awaiting divorce. We lived together as polite roommates for a year until he retired and moved abroad. Our divorce was final a month later. By then, I'd already been dating for several months the man who 5 years later, I'm still with. I think my life is my business. My friends supported my actions. Probably there were others who didn't but their opinions don't matter to me. Well said! If you live how other people want you to live, prepare to be miserable.
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