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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 5, 2018 5:17:18 GMT -5
Since the last time I updated, H has moved most of his personal stuff out and arranged for a truck to come next week to get the big stuff (bed, bureau, armchair, etc).
It’s been...unexpected how everything has worked out so far. He was gone for a week traveling for work then he came back last Sat because we had already planned a big party for that day.
Then he came again after work on Monday to have dinner and some time with our son.
Then again yesterday because it was a holiday and he unexpectedly ended up staying all day.
I’ll also see him today because our son has some doctor appts and he’ll be meeting us at the hospital.
So...it’s been strange. He’s been around as much as he’s ever been so it’s almost like nothing has changed, and yet everything has changed and we both know it.
Things have been beyond civil into almost friendly and we both acknowledged that we’re getting along better now than we were before because all the problems we were trying to deal with then, no longer matter. It’s very freeing.
I don’t really know how he feels regarding divorcing or being away from our son and honestly, I don’t plan to ask because it’s not my concern anymore. We have hugged a couple times after deep conversations but it doesn’t seem that either of us want to change the direction this is heading, though we both have some moments of sadness at times. I’d be lying if I said things haven’t been a little up and down emotionally but it seems to be less and less for us both already as the days go on.
I’m looking forward to the future. I’ve been looking at houses because I’ll want to downsize, and I’m slowly going through all our crap to organize and box stuff up, put it in storage, prep the house for sale.
But beyond what I’ve mentioned, and the fact that he doesn’t actually live here anymore, nothing much has changed. Not financially (everything is still joint, with him paying all the bills since I am home with the kiddo), and there’s no rush for me to try to find a new home. So, sort of status quo except now I don’t have that ever-present layer of anger and resentment towards him. Our relationship just is what it is, and it’s much easier for me to be ok with it now.
As for him, he STILL has not told anyone in his life except for one brother, because he needed to stay with him for a bit until his new apartment was ready. He also was able to see his therapist earlier this week so that’s a good thing. He says he plans to tell his mom this Saturday. I’ll believe it when I see it. Basically everyone in my life knows now: all of my family, all of my friends, plus my wider group of online friends who live all over the country. I’ve had a lot of support and there are probably 10 different people I could reach out to at any given time for help and they’d come without hesitation. So that feels good. Having no one in his life know must feel pretty shitty. But that’s been his decision so: good luck to him.
Now one of my larger concerns at the moment is: how soon is too soon before I can take off for a bit to go spend time with my AP-turning-boyfriend without raising eyebrows?😁
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 5, 2018 5:26:16 GMT -5
Since the last time I updated, H has moved most of his personal stuff out and arranged for a truck to come next week to get the big stuff (bed, bureau, armchair, etc). It’s been...unexpected how everything has worked out so far. He was gone for a week traveling for work then he came back last Sat because we had already planned a big party for that day. Then he came again after work on Monday to have dinner and some time with our son. Then again yesterday because it was a holiday and he unexpectedly ended up staying all day. I’ll also see him today because our son has some doctor appts and he’ll be meeting us at the hospital. So...it’s been strange. He’s been around as much as he’s ever been so it’s almost like nothing has changed, and yet everything has changed and we both know it. Things have been beyond civil into almost friendly and we both acknowledged that we’re getting along better now than we were before because all the problems we were trying to deal with then, no longer matter. It’s very freeing. I don’t really know how he feels regarding divorcing or being away from our son and honestly, I don’t plan to ask because it’s not my concern anymore. We have hugged a couple times after deep conversations but it doesn’t seem that either of us want to change the direction this is heading, though we both have some moments of sadness at times. I’d be lying if I said things haven’t been a little up and down emotionally but it seems to be less and less for us both already as the days go on. I’m looking forward to the future. I’ve been looking at houses because I’ll want to downsize, and I’m slowly going through all our crap to organize and box stuff up, put it in storage, prep the house for sale. But beyond what I’ve mentioned, and the fact that he doesn’t actually live here anymore, nothing much has changed. Not financially (everything is still joint, with him paying all the bills since I am home with the kiddo), and there’s no rush for me to try to find a new home. So, sort of status quo except now I don’t have that ever-present layer of anger and resentment towards him. Our relationship just is what it is, and it’s much easier for me to be ok with it now. As for him, he STILL has not told anyone in his life except for one brother, because he needed to stay with him for a bit until his new apartment was ready. He also was able to see his therapist earlier this week so that’s a good thing. He says he plans to tell his mom this Saturday. I’ll believe it when I see it. Basically everyone in my life knows now: all of my family, all of my friends, plus my wider group of online friends who live all over the country. I’ve had a lot of support and there are probably 10 different people I could reach out to at any given time for help and they’d come without hesitation. So that feels good. Having no one in his life know must feel pretty shitty. But that’s been his decision so: good luck to him. Now one of my larger concerns at the moment is: how soon is too soon before I can take off for a bit to go spend time with my AP-turning-boyfriend without raising eyebrows?😁 When the ink on the divorce decree is dry. Anything before then gives him fodder with the judge - if he catches you.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 5, 2018 6:01:00 GMT -5
Well that’s what I was wondering snowman12345 - he knows I need to get out of this marriage so I can have sex again! So he must assume I’m going to be looking for a way for that to happen. What are the “rules” on separation? Is it acceptable to be with someone else when you’re separated? Or is that a solid no and just wishful thinking on my part?
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Post by workingonit on Jul 5, 2018 8:57:49 GMT -5
I have actually been wondering this myself. I don't think there are universal rules here! You are going to need to have that discussion with him. Sorry! Wish there were a way out of that!!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 5, 2018 9:01:03 GMT -5
@loneleywifey - Legally - this would depend on your jurisdiction. I thought you’ve met with a lawyer? If you did, and even if you haven’t paid a retainer - call and ask about the technicalities of a separation phase.
Morally - you could go now! When I told my H of the decision I moved into our spare room. Two weeks later, I took a trip “to talk over the news with my parents” and I did that. Then headed to a hotel to meet my AP for the best sex (in my life!). Nothing like it, before or since honestly.
So if you have friends all over the country, pick one to visit who is near your AP. Really visit them (half a day?) and then meet up with AP. Timing could depend on if H gets moved in enough to take kiddo for a weekend or whatever. But at this point, you really “owe” H nothing. Legally, in some jurisdictions, I do suppose proof of this could affect something (depending on how puritanical the laws are where you live) - but not likely. Still best the check with an expert. There is no question you will ask a lawyer they haven’t heard before.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 5, 2018 9:01:18 GMT -5
No rules, just what you do or don't do. Managing that with your h or having him never know would be wise for keeping things at their current civil state though!
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Post by shamwow on Jul 5, 2018 10:20:08 GMT -5
@loneleywifey - Legally - this would depend on your jurisdiction. I thought you’ve met with a lawyer? If you did, and even if you haven’t paid a retainer - call and ask about the technicalities of a separation phase. Morally - you could go now! When I told my H of the decision I moved into our spare room. Two weeks later, I took a trip “to talk over the news with my parents” and I did that. Then headed to a hotel to meet my AP for the best sex (in my life!). Nothing like it, before or since honestly. So if you have friends all over the country, pick one to visit who is near your AP. Really visit them (half a day?) and then meet up with AP. Timing could depend on if H gets moved in enough to take kiddo for a weekend or whatever. But at this point, you really “owe” H nothing. Legally, in some jurisdictions, I do suppose proof of this could affect something (depending on how puritanical the laws are where you live) - but not likely. Still best the check with an expert. There is no question you will ask a lawyer they haven’t heard before. Might also want to make sure any tracking apps are off your phone if worried. Or just turn the thing off.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 5, 2018 10:21:34 GMT -5
No rules, just what you do or don't do. Managing that with your h or having him never know would be wise for keeping things at their current civil state though! Excellent point. Legally? Probably fine. Taking an amazingly unusually amicable situation and pouring gasoline on it? That depends upon your stbx and only you can evaluate that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 5, 2018 20:39:23 GMT -5
Well that’s what I was wondering snowman12345 - he knows I need to get out of this marriage so I can have sex again! So he must assume I’m going to be looking for a way for that to happen. What are the “rules” on separation? Is it acceptable to be with someone else when you’re separated? Or is that a solid no and just wishful thinking on my part? Besides the rules for what a lawyer will recommend. their are two or three other areas to think about. A time for grieving. A time for finding yourself, and self healing. And how much easier it is to meet people with the intend of sex and intimacy and be able to out right honestly have no strings attached. Still going through a divorce does mean you are still legally married. Yesterday I met many single woman at a meetup group. I found myself saying " I've been divorced for 3 months". Then I felt compelled to back that with, " My whole divorce process took 3 yrs, so I am well over it". Wishing you joy in your new journey.
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Post by JMX on Jul 5, 2018 22:32:34 GMT -5
choosinghappy - you do you, boo boo. I think it’s safe. Just don’t flaunt it.
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Post by surfergirl on Jul 6, 2018 9:38:17 GMT -5
choosinghappy I'm DIVORCED and still laying low....if you catch my drift. First, my house is in the final stages of construction and I sort of live part-time with the ex. Will be out this month, though, and that is when I will FEEL divorced. And second, I have teenagers. (This doesn't apply to you.) But I just think it's wise to "lay low" for awhile so it doesn't look like you were/are having an affair.....legitimate or not, it just complicates EVERYTHING. I was kind of taking baza's advice that nobody would care. But my phone, text, email, and Facebook hasn't stopped pinging for days. People really do/did care. I just got a sympathy card in the mail yesterday. I've had five (!) invitations from other couples for dinner (I accepted them all), and I'm leaving in an hour for a lunch date with a girlfriend. I have to start swatting off people now, really. So just my experience, but I feel it is too early to start holding hands with some dude around town yet. I AM looking for a dude, though..... LOL
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 6, 2018 19:51:32 GMT -5
Off topic, but glad to see you are getting so much support surfergirl. I recall you were worried about this in your small community.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 6, 2018 22:18:21 GMT -5
I do identify with what surfergirl pointed out about living separate is what made me FEEL divorced. For me, it was “almost like we were still married” when I was mid-move, seeing STBX most weekends at least once, needing to coordinate one more large furniture (using his truck). But a month after moving, I FELT freed. The actual divorce took 6 more months, for me. I’d strongly urge you check with the lawyer for any impacts on custody either such. Then just use discretion. I agree, don’t flaunt it. It depends on your H how electronically careful you believe you should be.
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Post by obobfla on Jul 6, 2018 23:18:25 GMT -5
Sorry for being so late to the thread. Congrats choosinghappy on getting through this process. Also, way to go on how you are handling your STBX. I realize it’s hard leaving someone with his problems, but you have to for both your sake and your son’s sake. I wish I had done the same, but that’s another thread. As for getting back in the sack - you already have your AP, so go for it. As long as someone is watching your son, you should be ok. After my wife died in December, I was dating again by February. It was difficult at first because I was so raw. So many women told me it “too soon.” It didn’t help that I would occasionally break down and shed tears. But I went through nine months of running to hospitals and rehab centers, hoping she would get better only to have my hopes dashed. I needed to be held and loved. Fortunately, I found someone who was great in bed and didn’t mind me crying occasionally about my late wife. As difficult as my marriage was, I miss her. I miss my friend and co-parent. When my son does something to make me proud or make me smile, I can’t talk to her about it. Today I took my ladyfriend and my son to a cat cafe where we played with cats and watched others enjoy the kitties. My ladyfriend was like a little girl with the cats. But then I remembered how much my wife loved cats and how she never got to visit this place. I cried. That’s what really sucks about widowhood - when happy moments occur, they are tempered with the grief of her absence. I understand you have to protect yourself in the divorce process. But hopefully you and your STBX can maintain a relationship where you support each other and your son.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 7, 2018 2:46:47 GMT -5
choosinghappy How soon is too soon? I had an AP. But he wasn't boyfriend material and was also married so I maintained discretion. I would lay low for at least 6 months. You need to also check the legal situation. Some states are prudish and count dating during separation as adultery and are punitive. Things may be going well now, but if your ex thinks that you left him for someone else (even though I know that's not quite what's happening) then he may be (justifiably?) hurt and lash out in the way that he can hurt you and that's $$. I started dating within a few months. I don't think I was really ready. And anyway, I didn't find anyone I really liked. It ended up being about two years from the time he moved out until I sent my ex an email saying I'd met someone I was serious about and intended to introduce him to my son.
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