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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 23, 2018 17:40:19 GMT -5
I talked to H about my concerns with having no leverage when it comes to any financial matters and asked him (in a tactful way) what reassurances do I have when it comes to these issues if we don’t involve any lawyers right now? He said” well...you KNOW me”. But he understood my point and he said that if it would make me feel better, I could write something up regarding our current financial position (as a way to show that he’s not moving money around between the date that we discussed this and whenever we involve a lawyer), and he would be happy to sign it. So I need help in what I should write. What would make sense to include without being too jargon-y but could potentially cover my butt? Also, I assume this wouldn’t be anything that would be admissible in court or anything but more just for peace of mind? (Even if we got it notarized which he said we could do if it wanted to?) I don’t know how to proceed with this. shamwow ? flashjohn ? Anyone else? Any thoughts? Edited to add: Also, we have a large amount of money coming to us that will hit our account a week from now. I would need to somehow account for that in this too. First. Run a credit report for yourself. You can run one for free at www.annualcreditreport.com. I'd run just one instead of all three in case you want to run another later. Second. Use this as a start to list all of your accounts. Banking. Savings. Mortgage. Retirement. Credit card. Auto loan. Everything. Be sure to ask husband if you are missing anything. Third. Get user ID and password for ALL of these accounts. Get a copy of the latest statements. You will want to get a copy as soon as he moves out too since this will likely be the date of separation the court will used. At this point you have enough information to get STARTED speaking with an attorney about divorce. The lawyer will have information about child support, spousal support, and all the things that are specific to your locale. However, it is up to YOU to do the legwork on the information for your specific situation. Hope that helps! Thank you. Every one of these is actually already done. The only thing yet to do is actually put a lawyer on retainer and start to draw up paperwork.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 23, 2018 17:51:21 GMT -5
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2018 17:54:44 GMT -5
lonelywifey, a reminder of your first post in ILIASM, June, 2017. Can you see how you've long been in pain but have endured pain to protect your h who had avoided telling you he's asexual, was abused, etc. He historically had not shown much interest in addressing how his lack of interest in sex affected you. You've been far more concerned about his pain than he has been concerned about yours. Incidentally, that also was the dynamic between my husband and me. Supportive friends as well as my therapist helped me honor and respect my own pain and needs.
"First post! I am already so thankful to have found this forum...
A bit of background: I am 35/F/HL and my H is the refuser. We have been together 10 years, married 5 and have a 2 yr old. We have not had sex in 3 years and prior to that he would often refuse my advances throughout the 10 years we've been together. Last year we went to couples therapy and there I found out that he was sexually abused as a child. He will not reveal any details to me about the abuse as it is too painful for him. A year ago he was committed to going to therapy on his own as well, to work through his past, but 9 months ago we moved for his job and he never found a new therapist despite me asking him multiple times to please continue. He knows sex and intimacy is very important to me and he knows that the complete lack of it is hard for me. Whenever we talk about it I know he feels badly (but currently, not badly enough to continue therapy I guess).
When I bring up the issue he remarks on how it never enters his mind. He said he feels like he's "missing the [sex drive] gene". He seems content with our SM except when we talk about it and he says he "wishes things could be different". I have asked him if he is asexual and he says he doesn't know.
I don't know where to go from here. I am so sad, feel so rejected and depressed. Yet I am trying to be understanding too. I hate that that happened to him. I have been very patient and I don't push him. I love him and I don't want to hurt him any more than he's already hurting but *I* am hurting too. I no longer feel like I have a true partner in my marriage. Intimacy with him feels so foreign to me now - even just a peck on the lips. And anything sexual is just out of the question. I don't know how to make things better. I'm just so tired from the emotional struggle. "
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 23, 2018 18:33:26 GMT -5
choosinghappy, good suggestions here so far. I’d take whatever agreements / statements he’s willing to make, as soon as he’s willing to make them. An agreed summary of accounts is a great start, and you can include a reference to the amount expected to be received next week. I’d take it with his signature, secure the doc, and later got get it re-signed / notarized if he’s still amenable. (If he’s not, at least you have something.) I won’t pry and ask what the sum arriving next week is, but if it’s an inheritance (or, say, a life insurance payout), that is not community property unless it’s deposited into a joint bank account. Verify with a lawyer.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2018 19:10:37 GMT -5
And notice how your first post in this thread indicates he has a pattern of ignoring your pain while he relies only on you (mainly because you jump in and fill the void) for his support system."
"The convo started innocuously: I told him I was upset about his uncaring reaction to an injury I sustained and told him it felt to me that he just reacted with frustration about how he would be effected, not with concern about my wellbeing. And he agreed. He DID feel frustrated, he WAS feeling uncaring towards me. ...He's honestly a bit of a crying mess right now because I think the reality of the situation is hitting him and he's sad that he won't see our son as much and also, he's scared about being alone. I feel bad for him. He also has ZERO support network because over the years as he was pushing me away and only focusing on work, he was doing the same to all his family and friends too. He truly is losing everything through losing us. It"
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Post by shamwow on Jun 23, 2018 21:10:49 GMT -5
First. Run a credit report for yourself. You can run one for free at www.annualcreditreport.com. I'd run just one instead of all three in case you want to run another later. Second. Use this as a start to list all of your accounts. Banking. Savings. Mortgage. Retirement. Credit card. Auto loan. Everything. Be sure to ask husband if you are missing anything. Third. Get user ID and password for ALL of these accounts. Get a copy of the latest statements. You will want to get a copy as soon as he moves out too since this will likely be the date of separation the court will used. At this point you have enough information to get STARTED speaking with an attorney about divorce. The lawyer will have information about child support, spousal support, and all the things that are specific to your locale. However, it is up to YOU to do the legwork on the information for your specific situation. Hope that helps! Thank you. Every one of these is actually already done. The only thing yet to do is actually put a lawyer on retainer and start to draw up paperwork. Fair enough 👌
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 23, 2018 21:36:45 GMT -5
Anyone else? Any thoughts? Edited to add: Also, we have a large amount of money coming to us that will hit our account a week from now. I would need to somehow account for that in this too. One more thought, (just from my own experiences) You said, "will hit OUR account". That would mean a joint account? If so legally half of it is yours. That would be a good question for an attorney, "what if he withdraws that money several days later and claims he can't remember, he has no idea?" (like my ex got away with) Will it come in a form of a check? will both of you get to sign it? Make lots of copies of it (the bank should do that for you) Once that money is deposited you should check on it and all your accounts daily, anything suspicious email it to your attorney immediately.
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Post by h on Jun 23, 2018 22:04:09 GMT -5
Late to the party as I've been under the weather and gotten behind on my reading, but congratulations on getting the ball rolling! It's great to hear that your H at least understands why this is happening. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 23, 2018 22:06:25 GMT -5
Anyone else? Any thoughts? Edited to add: Also, we have a large amount of money coming to us that will hit our account a week from now. I would need to somehow account for that in this too. One more thought, (just from my own experiences) You said, "will hit OUR account". That would mean a joint account? If so legally half of it is yours. That would be a good question for an attorney, "what if he withdraws that money several days later and claims he can't remember, he has no idea?" (like my ex got away with) Will it come in a form of a check? will both of you get to sign it? Make lots of copies of it (the bank should do that for you) Once that money is deposited you should check on it and all your accounts daily, anything suspicious email it to your attorney immediately. No. Large amount. Wire transfer, not something they cut a check for. (Lol sounds illegal 😆 It’s not, I assure you.) It’s being deposited into our joint account. And yes, community property. I’ll be monitoring the accounts daily.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 24, 2018 7:26:20 GMT -5
If H won’t talk to actual people, he could journal. It’s not the same but it helps. And that could organize his thoughts & feelings to share with a therapist. That may get him ready to inform his mother. The details behind his childhood experiences do not need to be shared with her, if that’s what he’s hung up about. He can give her minimal info about “irreconcilable differences” and state you are both committed to your child still seeing her.
And to repeat: how he handles that is NOT your responsibility. He gets to sleep in the bed he has made. (What irony, the wedding tent story).
For a person to REALLY talk to, maybe his brother could be there for him without telling mom everything. But again: this issue isn’t yours to fix for him.
Stay strong, sister.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 24, 2018 19:24:15 GMT -5
Thank you for the reminders GeekGoddess :-) So H found an apartment! He’s traveling for work this week and when he gets back next weekend he’ll be moving some stuff out. Staying with his brother for a week (apparently he talked to him about it today) and then into his new place the following week! It’s pretty evident to me now that when he said he hasn’t contacted a lawyer, he is being truthful since I’m sure s/he would advise him to stay put. Oh well! Works for me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2018 5:57:08 GMT -5
Very excited for you, LW! It is terrifying, for sure, but there is hope on the other side. And I am all about hope. Without it, there is nothing.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2018 8:25:29 GMT -5
“So H found an apartment! He’s traveling for work this week and when he gets back next weekend he’ll be moving some stuff out. Staying with his brother for a week (apparently he talked to him about it today) and then into his new place the following week! ”
I suspect you will find that your h is far more resilient and far less in need of your emotional protection than you have thought during your relationship. I bet he would be able to carry on even if you said that what you both are doing is divorcing not just separating. It is impresdivechowcquickly he went from tears to being able to make arrangements to leave. We’ve seen refused here who had long planned divorced who weren’t able to exit or even function well that quickly after the talk.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 25, 2018 8:26:04 GMT -5
“So H found an apartment! He’s traveling for work this week and when he gets back next weekend he’ll be moving some stuff out. Staying with his brother for a week (apparently he talked to him about it today) and then into his new place the following week! ”
I suspect you will find that your h is far more resilient and far less in need of your emotional protection than you have thought during your relationship. I bet he would be able to carry on even if you said that what you both are doing is divorcing not just separating. It is impressive how quickly he went from tears to being able to make arrangements to leave. We’ve seen refused here who had long planned divorced who weren’t able to exit or even function well that quickly after the talk.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 25, 2018 9:36:14 GMT -5
“So H found an apartment! He’s traveling for work this week and when he gets back next weekend he’ll be moving some stuff out. Staying with his brother for a week (apparently he talked to him about it today) and then into his new place the following week! ” I suspect you will find that your h is far more resilient and far less in need of your emotional protection than you have thought during your relationship. I bet he would be able to carry on even if you said that what you both are doing is divorcing not just separating. It is impressive how quickly he went from tears to being able to make arrangements to leave. We’ve seen refused here who had long planned divorced who weren’t able to exit or even function well that quickly after the talk. This^^^ Goes back to "put one arm around him, while your other hand is guarding your wallet". Or "trust yet verify". Here comes the verification.
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