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Post by saarinista on Jun 22, 2018 23:12:41 GMT -5
Yes, things may go to hell in a handbasket, but hopefully only one of those higher levels of hell. Or perhaps it will all go smoothly. Only time will tell.
Even if the separation does go smoothly, just getting to this point is an emotional, challenging thing. Props to you for your courage. It sounds like you did a great job with "The Talk." Sending positive energy your way and hugs. Looking forward to hearing progress reports. šš
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 22, 2018 23:45:28 GMT -5
My best wishes, choosinghappy. I am only a step ahead of you in this process, and on a much bumpier ride. You've handled this well, and I believe you will be much happier moving forward like you are.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 23, 2018 6:40:30 GMT -5
Thank you to everyone who commented and messaged me.
Itās been a bit emotional the last couple days. This is hard. Mainly, the toughest thing has been that H is a crying mess. I think the reality of the situation has hit him. Heās not sleeping, not eating, canāt talk without crying... itās rough. It would be easier if I didnāt still love and care about him but I do. It hurts to see him like this.
Last night he said he already doesnāt feel right being here so despite his intentions a couple days ago I think he might move out quickly.
So that makes me really think about all the good intentions that we both have and expressed: I realize itās possible that things may change so I agree that I need to figure out a way to protect myself financially. I donāt really know how to go about doing that without starting a war...
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2018 7:13:30 GMT -5
You and your husband both know that what you are involved in is a divorce not just a separation. You are irreparably incompatible as romantic partners. Speaking the truth of this now will allow each of you to take the actions that will allow you to be financially independent of each other, live separately and begin your new lives.
It is hard letting go of a relationship with a person whom youād vowed to spend your life married to. Both of you will have to grieve this in your own ways including by turning to other sources of support than each other. Doing this Wil Free each of you to find the kind of love that is compatible with who you are.
I wish you well.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 23, 2018 7:18:02 GMT -5
Good morning friend! I was just thinking about how your night and morning would go? Just to share a little ,if I may?.
You are both entering a whole new world. Change can be heartbreaking....difficult.....but necessary.
You are going to have to hold on to your firm convictions and gut feelings.
Here comes the obligation, and mostly the guilt. (My ex was cold as a stone, but not my children and even my FIL. I had to deal with the guilt and shame))
Your plans can and need to be flexible.
Don't be to hard on yourself. Tomorrow is another day. A day that you can look back and say "I am gaining ground".
Everything's going to be Okay! Put one arm around him, and guard your wallet with your other hand. A fine line to walk, you are going to stumble, but that's okay! It will make you strong!
Tomorrow is another day, stay focused, show lots of empathy, care, and concern for your grieving husband. While looking ahead, Keep your eye on the prize.
How did I get through two years of divorce? I had to tell myself and hear it from others, "the turtle wins the race".
It hurts me to have to say this, because I'm also concerned about your Husband. 1) Be aware that he may have suicidal thoughts. You could use some counselling on how to steer yourself, and him through these murky waters.
2) Have your guard up that some of his actions and words, (not all of them) are manipulation to play on your sympathy. You may want to deny that, "that's not even possible". Here's where I feel like a father talking to his daughter!
3) when and if he breaks down and acts like a child, you need to be the adult and discipline him that way. Why do we do that for a child? Because we love them and it's for their own good. And at the same time you have to be aware that this is an adult I am dealing with....Yea it ain't easy!!
I think collaborative law could be a good solution for the both of you. And lawyers are not always mean nasty people. In fact they too can be good counsellors and give you words of encouragement and guidance. Just think of what they see every day.
Your attorney can help you in the financial part. So could a CPA ( and they will charge you less) Do your homework in these times when your mind is going everywhere! Force yourself come Monday morning to have a spreadsheet ready, and questions, lots of financial questions for your attorney. They charge by the hour so make the most of it.
Write them down and hand it to them, that way you don't have to spend your time (money) listening to their answers and you asking your questions. Or set up a private email and email all your info to them, and they can email you back. (you will still get charged for their time)
Stay strong my friend, we are pulling for you!
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2018 7:32:48 GMT -5
While I have compassion for her husband during this time that is painful for both of them, she can not see her job as managing his feelings and protecting him from himself. She could suggest that he use friends and his therapist for support but she can not put herself in that role for him.its just not possible to be a personās support while breaking up with them. Part of what both have to do now is figure out how to let be lives as singles.
It is possible to do this while being fair to herself and to her soon to be ex.
This is more reason to speak truth about what is going on. They are divorcing. This is not just a separation. Each needs to learn to go through this process in their own way which may include weeping at the end of a dream. He also has to come to terms with the reality of being asexual.
She also may need to turn to friends, increase individual therapy sessions, too and of course, she should talk to a lawyer to get the paperwork started and to learn the steps to take tonprotect herself financially.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 23, 2018 7:38:10 GMT -5
Yes you are right northstarmom that this is divorce not a separation and certainly not a ātrial separationā as heās been calling it. But I need to handle H with kid-gloves a bit right now because heās a mess. I donāt think he could handle that at the moment so I need to wait a bit before I can encourage him to confront our actual reality. And yes greatcoastal, I do have an eye on him regarding suicidal thoughts. I know that unfortunately he has had them previously, back when we were going through some really challenging times (death of our first child and then trying to come to terms with all the medical issues of our living childās disability), and I am a bit worried about that with him right now. I was able to steer him towards talking to SOMEONE and heāll be going to his momās today to talk with her. Iām grateful for that. He really needs to confide in someone and his regular therapists are BOTH away on vacation until after the 4th of July which is terrible timing ā¹ļø Once he seems a bit more stable I hope to be able to gently guide this process towards him understanding what really needs to be done and what weāre truly confronting right now. And itās not a ātrial separation ā.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 23, 2018 7:50:06 GMT -5
While I have compassion for her husband during this time that is painful for both of them, she can not see her job as managing his feelings and protecting him from himself. She could suggest that he use friends and his therapist for support but she can not put herself in that role for him.its just not possible to be a personās support while breaking up with them. . 1) I love, love, your caring support and knowledge that you northstarmom have and share! You are spot on! 2) My opinion is to not totally detach yourself from day one. To not take a " talk to my attorney!!" nasty approach to every little, every day question from the first day!! ( in this case I hope that's an exaggeration!. However my ex was that way) This will take months, communication is needed for days, months years to come, so don't ruin it from day one. There are plenty of stories of people divorcing and being far better friends after the divorce.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 23, 2018 8:06:36 GMT -5
Yes you are right northstarmom that this is divorce not a separation and certainly not a ātrial separationā as heās been calling it. But I need to handle H with kid-gloves a bit right now because heās a mess. I donāt think he could handle that at the moment so I need to wait a bit before I can encourage him to confront our actual reality. And yes greatcoastal , I do have an eye on him regarding suicidal thoughts. I know that unfortunately he has had them previously, back when we were going through some really challenging times (death of our first child and then trying to come to terms with all the medical issues of our living childās disability), and I am a bit worried about that with him right now. I was able to steer him towards talking to SOMEONE and heāll be going to his momās today to talk with her. Iām grateful for that. He really needs to confide in someone and his regular therapists are BOTH away on vacation until after the 4th of July which is terrible timing ā¹ļø Once he seems a bit more stable I hope to be able to gently guide this process towards him understanding what really needs to be done and what weāre truly confronting right now. And itās not a ātrial separation ā. Congratulations to you! You sound like your mind and actions are very stable today! Feel free to also let go of, and express more of those bottled up fears and guilt feelings about YOU! I know you said you are going to be just fine. I don't doubt that. You are heading for some dark times too, so bring it to the forum and share it with the people who are supporting you. Have a pleasant weekend! (do you like that word? "Pleasant") I try to put it in my thoughts and words every day and express it to others. It helps
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Post by elkclan2 on Jun 23, 2018 9:11:38 GMT -5
Good luck choosinghappy. It's all pretty bumpy, but I"m so much happier on the other side. Even though I still have drama with my ex and my partner's ex is really kicking off in a big way right now. But I'm with someone who loves and supports me.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 23, 2018 10:55:54 GMT -5
I heard from H. He said he is "not ready to talk about it with his mom yet" so basically, he chickened out. Over the last couple days I have suggested 4 people in his life that I think could be good options to talk to but he had a reason why not for all of them. I agree with northstarmom that my role cannot be as support person for him right now so I will just have to walk a fine line and be a bit of a hard-ass while still showing empathy for him. And I DO have empathy. I can only imagine how much it must SUCK for him right now to feel he has absolutely no one to talk to about this. It is a very sad situation. Meanwhile, I have a massive support system and have already reached out to a ton of people. It's possible that that's the reason I sound so "stable", greatcoastal. And as an aside: Today's our anniversary. BAHAHA oh the irony.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 23, 2018 11:06:02 GMT -5
I heard from H. He said he is "not ready to talk about it with his mom yet" so basically, he chickened out. Over the last couple days I have suggested 4 people in his life that I think could be good options to talk to but he had a reason why not for all of them. I agree with northstarmom that my role cannot be as support person for him right now so I will just have to walk a fine line and be a bit of a hard-ass while still showing empathy for him. And I DO have empathy. I can only imagine how much it must SUCK for him right now to feel he has absolutely no one to talk to about this. It is a very sad situation. Meanwhile, I have a massive support system and have already reached out to a ton of people. It's possible that that's the reason I sound so "stable", greatcoastal . And as an aside: Today's our anniversary. BAHAHA oh the irony. Just my two cents: If I was to draw a cartoon, it would be a man at the beach, with his head in the sand, legs spread, and butt in the air. There would be this large crab getting ready to give him a good pinch right in the (target). The word "FEAR" or "denial" would be written across the back of his shorts. The crab would have the words "reality" written across it's claw. the beach sign would have a name, "Divorce Dunes".
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2018 11:31:58 GMT -5
āAnd as an aside: Today's our anniversary. BAHAHA oh the irony.ā
Today would be my 39th anniversary. Six years ago on this day it was just a few days after I told my h I wanted a divorce. In Zjune 23 I was appearing in a cabaret playing a bride. About a year later, Iād be in s relationship with the guy who is now my partner. Radiant about divorcing, Iād walked into rehearsal, announced I was getting divorced, hadnāt been laid in 8 years, and was looking for love. The cast was majority gay or Iād never had said that. But apparently, I said it loud enough so my now lover on the other side of the room heard, wondered why I wasnāt considering him, and he started checking me out. Slowly. 6 months later, he asked me out on s date two months later.....
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 23, 2018 11:36:05 GMT -5
āAnd as an aside: Today's our anniversary. BAHAHA oh the irony.ā Today would be my 39th anniversary. Six years ago on this day it was just a few days after I told my h I wanted a divorce. In Zjune 23 I was appearing in a cabaret playing a bride. About a year later, Iād be in s relationship with the guy who is now my partner. Radiant about divorcing, Iād walked into rehearsal, announced I was getting divorced, hadnāt been laid in 8 years, and was looking for love. The cast was majority gay or Iād never had said that. But apparently, I said it loud enough so my now lover on the other side of the room heard, wondered why I wasnāt considering him, and he started checking me out. Slowly. 6 months later, he asked me out on s date two months later..... And 6 years ago on this day, I was saying "I Do" on our back deck and then walking down the stairs towards the tent as "our song" played then turning around to see that my new husband hadn't even followed me down the stairs to walk together, he was still up on the deck talking to his brother/best man. I walked into that tent alone and then was promptly surrounded by family and friends. Pretty good metaphor for what is happening now as well. I'm even more grateful today for my support network.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 23, 2018 12:53:25 GMT -5
For those of us who are coming up behind you on this path....
You said you had contacted an attorney. How did you do that (through internet, local phone book, suggestion from friend) and when did you do that (how long before you made your announcement to hubby)? Also was it a free consultation and how much of a discussion did you have?
Anyone else who has gone through this, feel free to jump in and share.
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