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Post by northstarmom on Jun 18, 2018 21:45:33 GMT -5
Shynjdude,
If you were to divorce, what kind of life would you live? Do you have friends, hobbies, interests that would keep you occupied? From what you've posted, it sounds like you usually just go along with your wife's plans even though they aren't exactly what you'd like to do. Do you have any life independent of her?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2018 21:53:12 GMT -5
Divorce is not mutually exclusive to caring for one’s spouse. I think that’s the crux of your dilemma here. The two can, and I think should, coexist.
I care deeply for my STBX. In fact, I will always love him and always wish the best for him. He’s the man I spent 2 decades (or almost half) of my life with and the father of my beautiful children. He’s not all bad. In fact, in many ways, he’s quite good.
I think you’re asking the wrong question. Don’t ask how you stop caring. Instead, ask how you can maintain a level of caring through divorce and beyond.
I like to think that one day, should my ex need me or should I need him, we’ll have built a beautiful friendship that we can lean into when we need it. That’s what we’re working on right now: being kind to one another and building our friendship. It’s happening in fits and starts.
Just my .02! Take it for what it’s worth, free advice. ;-)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2018 21:56:56 GMT -5
northstarmom , my main hobbies at the moment are mostly solitary (writing online.) If I was to divorce, I know I would have to push myself a little to be more social, but I am competent at that even if I don't crave it. But right now I spend my free time online, where I have a following for a specific area of expertise. My wife usually doesn't have plans. I have spent lots of time trying to find activities we would both enjoy and it was exhausting - she would veto pretty much 9 out of 10 ideas. (That was when I was still trying to find ways to fix things. )
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Post by saarinista on Jun 18, 2018 22:04:27 GMT -5
northstarmom , my main hobbies at the moment are mostly solitary (writing online.) If I was to divorce, I know I would have to push myself a little to be more social, but I am competent at that even if I don't crave it. But right now I spend my free time online, where I have a following for a specific area of expertise. My wife usually doesn't have plans. I have spent lots of time trying to find activities we would both enjoy and it was exhausting - she would veto pretty much 9 out of 10 ideas. (That was when I was still trying to find ways to fix things. ) Tell me again-does your wife work outside the home? Hobbies, etc?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2018 22:10:24 GMT -5
saarinista, wife's main hobbies are the home business, which makes a few thousand dollars a year. But she enjoys it because it allows her to talk to community leaders and feel like she is a bigger part of the community. It is seasonal, though. She hasn't worked for about ten years. She blames illness, but I am skeptical about the extent of her illness. That's a whole other conversation. But she has more energy when she says she is sick than I ever do. I guess her other "hobby" is visiting alternative medicine doctors.
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Post by baza on Jun 18, 2018 22:12:53 GMT -5
Back in the day, if I was doing some routine stuff, I would ask my missus if she wanted to observe what I was doing. Usually, the answer was "maybe" (ie - "no") After I left, she proved capable of things she had never seemed capable of before. In no particular order, she could - - change a light globe - reset a safety fuse - re-light the gas pilot light - replace a tap washer - change a flat tyre - replace batteries in a remote - check the fluid levels in vehicles (that one was a very expensive lesson !!!) - compile and adhere to a budget - other sundry issues. Like northstarmom , I think I may have had an inflated opinion of just how important I was in her life and how she'd 'not be able to go on' if I wasn't there. She got on quite OK, not perfect, but quite ok. So did I.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 18, 2018 22:18:23 GMT -5
Shynjdude said: "She hasn't worked for about ten years. She blames illness, but I am skeptical about the extent of her illness. That's a whole other conversation. But she has more energy when she says she is sick than I ever do. I guess her other "hobby" is visiting alternative medicine doctors."
So, it sounds like your wife really isn't sick or very sick. Sounds like she visits the doctors for attention or maybe to run up medical bills to make you either take on more than your share of the domestic/financial load or think you need to stick around for her welfare.
During the last years of my marriage, my "hobby" became shopping. It was a way of getting back at or trying to gain the attention of my husband, who never mentioned the bills. I dropped the hobby, however, after I filed for divorce. I also got rid of what I'd bought because I didn't need those things nor did I enjoy them.
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Post by h on Jun 19, 2018 4:49:22 GMT -5
You don't have to stop caring for your spouse. My mother divorced her second husband several years ago. They stayed friends and she even helped take care of him as his health declined and he eventually passed away. She brought him meals and helped him get to doctor appointments. Their marriage ended because he was bipolar and didn't treat it. He went into rages and would say hurtful things and threaten physical harm (didn't actually follow through with the threats but never got his rages under control). She couldn't take the emotional toll of living together anymore. Near the end, he deeply regretted the way he treated her and understood why she left. The hospice people were a little confused about the whole situation. I guess they hadn't had much experience with an ex-spouse coming back to take care of a dying person.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jun 19, 2018 5:33:06 GMT -5
As I try to picture a future without the woman I've been married to for 31 years, a speedbump (not roadblock yet, but something) that I keep running up against is that I still care about my refuser. Even though I know I have documented some pretty bad behavior and I know we are not compatible, I have spent decades caring about her and trying to do things to make her life easier. Sometimes she notices and appreciates it, often not, but in the end she is a big part of my life and of course the mother to my kids. I know that divorce will hurt her a great deal. Her sense of security that comes from her reliable, income producing and even tempered husband is very important to her. We were saving money for retirement. All that is going to disappear. She will be unmoored, depressed, who knows - maybe suicidal. As much as I feel that she resents me, she is utterly dependent on me, emotionally as well as monetarily. When her mind goes in cycles and she's stuck, she knows she can talk things out with me and I can get her out of the cycle so she can move on. I know intellectually that I do not want to be stuck with her until I die, that I deserve happiness on my own, that I deserve to be loved. But I like finding win-win solutions. I HATE knowing that my (only potential) future happiness is based on someone else's definite pain. I HATE hurting people. All my life I'd rather absorb the pain myself than let someone else feel it. (Again, bitterly ironically, my wife would disagree strenuously with that and say that I've caused her unimaginable amounts of pain with my crimes of commission and omission.) Yes, it is possible that after the shock she will get her shit together, get a job, find a rewarding life without being dependent on me. And it is possible she won't, that she'll fall apart. How can I not feel responsible for her? How can I stop caring? After years of being as caring as possible, how do I turn it off? I don't want to hate her. Am I missing something? It's okay to care. But not to the point where you are harmed. That would be co-dependency. Not a relationship that is good for either party. Does doing everything for her really help her? What if you died tomorrow - where would she turn for help?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 19, 2018 8:29:03 GMT -5
I'm sorry that you are in this stage of denial. Hopefully in the future you will realize to not make the same mistake of placing yourself right back in the same situation of "rescuing someone who needs you". It's not long until even a rescuer needs to be rescued.I go by your few snippets /examples and they are very much filled with someone who controls you, and you continually caving to "keep the peace". You show zero backbone in all of these incidences. Which also makes you part of the problem. A very hard pill to swallow and admit too, never mind even recognize until it's far too late ( as I raise my hand slowly and say "that was me") We have all heard/read the numbers of the high % of divorce in second and third marriages. Why is that? What doesn't get reported or studied is how many people marry right back into another SM. Or another codependency. Take some of that " no your wrong" attitude that you can safely post on here and try it on your wife, I'm sure since she is nothing like my W. she will apologize and say " I had no idea" change her ways, and the two of you can then post on here together about your new wonderful sex filled marriage.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2018 8:42:24 GMT -5
Please, greatcoastal. I can tell you a great amount about what is good and what isn't good about my wife. I speak to a therapist every week to make sure I'm not fooling myself, and she calls me on it when I do. If I was in denial about my relationship she would tell me. I know my wife's faults and don't try to sugar-coat them. I also know my own faults and am working on them. I read plenty of stories here where the relationship reminds me of my wife and me,and yours isn't one of them. Mine sucks...but not the same way yours did.
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Post by mescaline on Jun 19, 2018 12:09:55 GMT -5
You don't have to stop caring, but I bet it makes it an awful lot easier to make the break.
How about caring enough to force the issue? If what other posters say is true and she would be fine, she just needs a stimulus. A way to push her out of her comfort zone and achieve whatever potential she has. This is probably my preferred angle on the issue. I know my wife is comfortable with her life, I also know she can achieve whatever she sets her heart on (she is realistic), but I'm enabling the stagnation.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2018 12:50:15 GMT -5
You don't have to stop caring, but I bet it makes it an awful lot easier to make the break. How about caring enough to force the issue? If what other posters say is true and she would be fine, she just needs a stimulus. A way to push her out of her comfort zone and achieve whatever potential she has. This is probably my preferred angle on the issue. I know my wife is comfortable with her life, I also know she can achieve whatever she sets her heart on (she is realistic), but I'm enabling the stagnation. I do believe that my wife can, if pushed, achieve quite a bit in the work world. I would be surprised if she could find another partner, though. I know that's not a reason to be her partner forever.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 19, 2018 13:11:31 GMT -5
There is a wide spectrum of how you feel about an ex. It ranges from still going to extended family events together to putting a hit out on him/her.
Usually it seems to be more between being irritated at them and lighting a flaming bag of poop on their doorstep.
In my case I don't usually think about her on a day to day basis. When I have to (usually on a matter involving the kids), it is on par with an unpleasant chore like taking out the trash.
When the kids are grown and gone in a few years I don't expect I will think of her much at all. Positively or negatively.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 19, 2018 13:23:34 GMT -5
Shyndude said: “I would be surprised if she could find another partner, though. ”
Why? She did find and hold onto you....
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