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Post by nyctos on Jun 17, 2018 13:01:47 GMT -5
I don't know why it's hit me today in particular. Maybe because it's fathers day. Maybe because I know it's coming up on about three years since my wife and I have had sex. I looked up the definition of "sexless marriage" today and was depressed because I would be thrilled to be having sex that often (10 times per year. 10?! It hasn't been that often for me in 15 years.
Actually, since our first child the only times we've had sex at all frequently were when trying to conceive. Even them she was convinced conception happened most easily with boring, quick sex.
For years, we only had sex when I initiated and she didn't refuse. She refused often.she insisted I give her a massage before each time, but if she fell asleep she'd refuse, or if I moved to quickly she'd refuse, or if she wasn't in the mood she'd refuse. Sometimes with a harsh, "don't touch me!"
She's also been my only long term relationship, the other two women I've been involved with only being short term, and only together for one night.
It hurts because I know she's never stored watching porn, also. So it's not like she doesn't like sex, just not with me. It makes me question whether she ever wanted it, or if she was just using me to produce children (my kids are wonderful, though).
I don't know. I'm confused, depressed and hurt. I don't feel any real hope for the future and feel like I've missed so much. Today I'm just doing yard work and trying to keep my heart from feeling constantly crushed.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 17, 2018 14:39:33 GMT -5
Nyctos,
It is sad to hear about your SM. It sounds like for good reason you've given up on expecting sex in your marriage. Do you feel that you're better off staying in the marriage or do you have any plans to eventually divorce?
Whatever you decide for yourself, you'll find people here who've been in or are in your situation.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2018 15:28:00 GMT -5
Hi nyctos, It is slightly unusual here to see the refusing spouse be interested in porn. The (painful) question that comes to mind is...do you think she is being faithful?
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Post by nyctos on Jun 17, 2018 17:12:01 GMT -5
Thanks northstar, shyinj,
I'm thinking of staying at least until the kids are out of school. I don't feel I can put then through the stress of a divorce. After that, I have no idea. I'm a bit insecure about sex anyway.
She once recently told me she has no concerns about me cheating, because I'd be afraid what another woman would say about my performance. She's *almost* correct about that (actually, one of the the women I've been with was only a few years ago. I felt absolutely no guilt towards my wife, but it was while on a business trip in another country, so it wasn't something I could continue). She sort of regularly says all sorts of things to bring down my self-esteem.
I don't think she's cheating, though sometimes I wish she were. It would at least explain things a bit.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 17, 2018 19:34:36 GMT -5
So sorry to hear about your situation. You are in good company here. We are all familiar with the soul crushing pain and loneliness of the SM.
Hope you at least felt appreciated by your kids on this father's day.
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Post by tirefire on Jun 17, 2018 20:39:08 GMT -5
nyctos, Welcome aboard. Sorry that circumstances caused you to land here but you'll find so many supportive people here. Yes, Father's day can add a bit of loneliness when you are in an sm. Take care and focus on hugs from the kids. That's what I did anyway.
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Post by michael on Jun 17, 2018 22:48:38 GMT -5
It’s hard to be in that kind of relationship. For me divorce isn’t something I want. I cling to hope that if I’m just a little nicer maybe I will deserve it. Recently, I’ve been considering hiring a prostitute just to ask her if I’m that undesirable. I just want to talk to a woman that I will never see again and hopefully she will tell the truth because she has nothing to gain or lose anyway.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 17, 2018 23:06:40 GMT -5
"I cling to hope that if I’m just a little nicer maybe I will deserve it. " You deserve sex because you are married to your wife. Sex is the one thing that separate marriage from just being roommates. However, it's possible that your wife married you for nonsexual reasons such as if she wanted financial support, companionship, to have a child, to make her parents happy or to impress her friends. From what I've seen of the world, it's not possible to be so terrible or unappealing that one can not attract any lovers. Heck, imprisoned serial killers get propositioned by women who write to them. I have a male acquaintance who shot off the bottom of his face in a suicide attempt. When he goes out in public, he wears a hospital mask to avoid shocking people. However, he has a girlfriend who loves him and even has a picture of the two of them as her FB profile picture. Unfortunately, it's not possible to beg, plead, explain, or entice someone into sexually desiring you if for some reason you aren't their type (And from what I have read, the reason may even be connected with your pheromones. People apparently are sexually attracted to people whose immune systems are the opposite of theirs). You could, however, choose to stop placing all of your sexual hopes on your refusing wife. And you could begin doing things such as therapy, exercise, hobbies outside of the home, that would allow you to gain more confidence in yourself and thus broaden your chances of meeting people who cherish you.
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Post by wom360 on Jun 17, 2018 23:21:31 GMT -5
Not sure how you can say you’re confused. She’s quite consistent. That’s also how you know that being nicer will never ever work. She’s telling you loud and clear that being confident and a bit selfish are your best bet.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jun 18, 2018 2:14:52 GMT -5
It’s hard to be in that kind of relationship. For me divorce isn’t something I want. I cling to hope that if I’m just a little nicer maybe I will deserve it. Recently, I’ve been considering hiring a prostitute just to ask her if I’m that undesirable. I just want to talk to a woman that I will never see again and hopefully she will tell the truth because she has nothing to gain or lose anyway. michael - no sex worker is going to tell you that you're undesirable - that's not their job. It wouldn't be safe for them to say that anyway - a sex worker knows that there is a lot to lose by not telling men what they want to hear. Anyway it doesn't matter what any random woman, sex worker, man-on-the-street thinks about your attractiveness and desirability. That question only matters in regards to existing or potential sex partners. MY SM spouse clearly didn't find me sufficiently desirable. But that's on him rather than on me. Plenty of other men have and perhaps still do find me desirable. My partner finds me desirable. Very desirable. I'm fat and almost 50. I can be a bit scruffy. I'm certainly salty. I never shave my legs. I have hot sex pretty much every single day. Being nice never got me any sex in my old relationship - it didn't even get reciprocity in niceness - because my SM spouse was 1) fucked up and 2) he didn't want to have sex with me. Being nice doesn't get me sex now (mostly). My partner would fuck me anyway. What being nice does get me is a mutually supportive relationship. A partner who goes out of his way to be nice to me. It does get me more sex in a sense, because our kindness and niceness and means we want to spend as much time together as possible and also it means that we're each happy to let the other person spend time with our children - so yeah, we get access to sex with each other because we have a loving domestic partnership.
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Post by baza on Jun 18, 2018 2:52:26 GMT -5
It all reads like you got married for one set of reasons Brother nyctos , and she got married for an entirely different set of reasons. And it looks like these fundamental differences have produced a fuck up from the get go....and now, here you are, in a position you regard as most unsatisfactory, but without any real alternative plan. My suggestion would be to start constructing that alternate plan. See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish - theoretically - how a divorce would shake out for you, now, in one scenario, when the kids go to college in another. You might choose to pursue this possible path to a happier life, or, you might not. But you would - at the very minimum - have the basic facts about how a divorce would shake out for you, so you'd be making your choice from a pretty well informed base. At this point, you are not "informed" concerning any possible alternative to staying in the unsatisfactory situation. You need to be "informed". Then you can make an objective choice.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 18, 2018 13:47:25 GMT -5
elkclan2 that description of yourself was amazing. Thanks for the lol!
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Post by shamwow on Jun 18, 2018 14:12:27 GMT -5
Sucks to be a sperm donor and ATM, doesn't it?
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Post by h on Jun 18, 2018 14:20:12 GMT -5
Sucks to be a sperm donor and ATM, doesn't it? Sucks worse to be an ATM and not even a sperm donor.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 18, 2018 17:57:41 GMT -5
Sucks to be a sperm donor and ATM, doesn't it? Sucks worse to be an ATM and not even a sperm donor. Was mainly referring to baby making time. Outside of those times, my ex's sperm bank had hours worse than a conventional bank. And unlike a conventional bank she physically pushed away if you wanted to make a deposit. Edit: A common way of feeling used as a male in a SM is as a sperm donor and ATM. The common way of feeling used as a female is as brood mare, maid, and cook. Being used as a man sucks and being used as a woman also sucks. I happen to be a man and tend to think from that perspective. I apologize if this post may have seemed sexist.
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