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Post by saarinista on Jun 20, 2018 18:17:25 GMT -5
Thanks choosinghappy At least nothing so wrong I suppose that I deserve to go sexless for the last 8ish years and the rest of my life. But I'll tell you, it really does a number on us when we go without for so long. At first, I didn't really feel so bad. But then the months and years sped by and suddenly oops-it's been 8 years and maybe there's a good reason for that. Maybe it's me. But really, I think it's just that my husband and I are not compatible, or maybe that he's depressed or even asexual. I don't know. But he's sure not trying to sex himself back up very diligently. And sadly, at this point, I think I'm maybe okay with that. I'm not okay with being lonely or sexless, but sadly, I don't think I'm terribly upset about not having sex with the h. It's just that divorce is such a big deal. Sigh. I'm working on it.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 20, 2018 20:56:54 GMT -5
saarinista I literally could have written this word for word.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2018 21:14:03 GMT -5
A topic that might be appropriate for this sub-board is "how do I regain my self-esteem within my SM if I don't plan on outsourcing?"
To me, that seems Herculean. But I'd love to see if anyone has done it, and how.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 20, 2018 22:26:46 GMT -5
A topic that might be appropriate for this sub-board is "how do I regain my self-esteem within my SM if I don't plan on outsourcing?" To me, that seems Herculean. But I'd love to see if anyone has done it, and how. I struggled with this a lot. What I found helps is to seek an identity outside the relationship. I think that for some this might seem non-sensical or even hard to conceptualize. It doesnt mean having an affair or cheating. But more about doing things that you enjoy doing and doing them for self-realization, your own fulfillment (not masurbation BTW) I know when I sought an identity outside the relationship I even became more interesting to my spouse. Of course this was after she was sure I wasnt cheating.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2018 8:01:26 GMT -5
A topic that might be appropriate for this sub-board is "how do I regain my self-esteem within my SM if I don't plan on outsourcing?" To me, that seems Herculean. But I'd love to see if anyone has done it, and how. I struggled with this a lot. What I found helps is to seek an identity outside the relationship. I think that for some this might seem non-sensical or even hard to conceptualize. It doesnt mean having an affair or cheating. But more about doing things that you enjoy doing and doing them for self-realization, your own fulfillment (not masurbation BTW) I know when I sought an identity outside the relationship I even became more interesting to my spouse. Of course this was after she was sure I wasnt cheating. Sorry to say this, but... I have an identity outside my marriage as a writer. I have received lots of praise and awards and articles written about me for my other life. While it certainly helped, outsourcing (including intimacy with women I adored) was a million times better. The other life is a distraction from my SM and the feeling of inadequacy and low self-esteem that directly follows; actually making love with a willing partner directly fixes the problem and taught me that I am not the problem in my relationship. I hate to advocate outsourcing because it violates my own values but it sure helped me.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 21, 2018 9:02:10 GMT -5
A topic that might be appropriate for this sub-board is "how do I regain my self-esteem within my SM if I don't plan on outsourcing?" To me, that seems Herculean. But I'd love to see if anyone has done it, and how. That's a great question but it's a tough question because of the "without outsourcing" part. I would say to join groups with other people like a book club or a volunteer group and try to build friendships so that you have an outlet for yourself. Exercising, journaling, and just taking pride in your own appearance and recognizing your accomplishments for the day, the week, the month, or heck even the hour - all help with self esteem and a sense of accomplishment. As well having things to look forward to a movie with a friend, lunch out with a friend, even your children- do things with them individually- they really like the one on one at any age. All of the above are good but in my heart they will only scratch the surface of rebuilding one's self esteem. For me it took outsourcing to start to rebuild my self esteem but even after the divorce I was still lacking a lot of self esteem and still not my healthiest mentally. I needed to date different men, I needed to see that men I dated wanted to be in a relationship with me. I needed to feel wanted and desired. Honestly my fwb who I had 90% of my sex with while I was divorced he repaired my self esteem. Sometimes if our schedules didn't mesh and we couldn't get together just a simple statement like "know that I want to be with you" was just as effective as an afternoon of sex for my psyche. I know outsourcing isn't for everyone and I can only speak for myself but I'm so thankful for the gift my lover gave me by restoring my self confidence and my self esteem. I am a beautiful woman as are all women.
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Post by theexplorer on Jun 21, 2018 10:26:58 GMT -5
A topic that might be appropriate for this sub-board is "how do I regain my self-esteem within my SM if I don't plan on outsourcing?" To me, that seems Herculean. But I'd love to see if anyone has done it, and how.
At times, I have a desire or craving to be loved. Making a point of doing something kind and loving for myself often helps me feel better. The last time this occurred, I made a special pasta dish, a delectable, ultra-fresh, organic salad and some garlic bread. It took over 2 hours to prepare that meal. It was delicious!! It was the best meal I've had in many months!! In my opinion, it was far better than anything from the lousy restaurants in this small town! Yes, I enjoyed it all by myself!
In the past, I would have asked the wife to make that dinner for me. She probably would have "been to busy," then I would have felt even less loved. Today, I made it for myself. ( She was not home at the time.) This is a way to love myself. When I feel like someone else needs to love me, it often helps to love myself. Loving myself has helped the self-esteem.
A second suggestion is to go get a massage. Being touched by another person helps. My wife says I'm noticeably easier to live with when I get regular massages. All I can say is that I feel considerably better! The muscles feel better, but being touched does the most good for the heart.
I'm NOT suggesting that these ideas are nearly as good as being in a loving relationship. It does make my current situation more tolerable and it has helped my self-esteem to a degree. Hopefully, someone else will have some better ideas on repairing self-esteem while staying!
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 21, 2018 10:40:43 GMT -5
My experience may help, I never outsourced during my 34-year marriage until I started dating while separated during the last year of our marriage. For the last several years of my marriage, I had believed I was entitled to outsource, and even told my refuser h that I did and might do it. However, I never tried to. Perhaps that's because I am the type of person who likes monogamous, committed public relationships . The separation period lasted a year only because I was saving money by staying on my h's insurance until he retired. We both agreed that we could date. Ironically, it ended up he already had been seeing another woman and thought he had fathered her child.
So, since literally until days before I woke up and decided to divorce, I was in my SM for the longterm, it may be helpful for you to know what I had done to rebuild my self esteem.
About 10 years before I divorced, I was seriously depressed both about the SM and about my inability to get a job after I did not get tenure in the university job that I had loved. I was in therapy with a wonderful social worker, but I refused medication because I thought that was a sign of weakness. Then, one day, I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. It ended up that what I had was major depression. At that point, I decided to take antidepressants, which worked wonderfully for me. I didn't have weight gain, libido problems, orgasm problems or difficulty having a normal range of emotions. Instead, I no longer constantly contemplated suicide.
I also decided that life was short and I would rather go to my grave having tried things I was interested in (even if I made a fool of myself) than die with dreams unattempted.
So, I took up running. I am not at all good at it. In the one 5k I ran, the decorative women running in hoopskirts and a man in a wheelchair beat me. The race organizers literally were picking up the traffic cones as soon as I passed by.
I joined a gym and exercised 2 hours a day, developing the best looking body I've ever had. (Of course, my refuser didn't care, but seeing myself in the mirror gave me a boost). Simultaneously, I joined Weight Watchers and lost 35 pounds, getting down to my best weight, a weight I hadn't been in 15 years.
I took French classes at a local college.
Since I had always admired actors, singers and dancers, even though I didn't think I had any talent in those areas, I took adult classes, private classes and classes at a local college. To my great surprise, I not only made wonderful friends of all ages, but I also ended up getting to dance and sing on stage in community theater and even being in some student films and getting paid for being in commercials!
I took art classes at the local senior center. While I really don't have talent in that area, I developed a better eye for appreciating others' art.
I took photography classes and had some of my work displayed at 2 small local galleries.
I explored various spiritual paths, and ended up becoming Buddhist, including participating in silent retreats of up to 14 days.
I invited all of my local FB friends, "ya'll come" Dutch treat lunches at a local restaurant. Typically, of the 100 or so invited 5-10 would show up, and it was a great way to socialize.
I also celebrated my birthday the way that I wanted. My h and I had the same summer birthday, but he wasn't into throwing birthday parties. He started working abroad over the summer. I started hosting birthday parties for myself: potluck, people could come and bring their kids and friends. Once I hosted a joint birthday party with a friend whose birthday is a day after mine. She was a dance instructor, so part of the party was teaching everyone how to do some fun dances.
I blossomed into the type of person I'd always wanted to be: gregarious, active, attractive, fun, interesting, artsy. I basically lived a very happy, separate life from my h, who lived his own separate life with work and solo long distance biking.
I still missed sex, passion and emotional intimacy with a significant other, but was able to feel confident, worthy and happy without it. I am so glad that I did those things when I could because now, at almost 67, I have knee problems and can no longer do difficult dances or run. I'm still reaping the benefits of the skills and friendships that I developed years ago. In fact, tomorrow, I'll be making money filming a commercial.
So, my advice is have the courage to become the kind of person you've always wanted to be.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2018 10:54:10 GMT -5
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Post by flounder on Jun 21, 2018 21:35:01 GMT -5
A topic that might be appropriate for this sub-board is "how do I regain my self-esteem within my SM if I don't plan on outsourcing?" To me, that seems Herculean. But I'd love to see if anyone has done it, and how. That’s a million dollar question.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 22, 2018 5:05:34 GMT -5
I dont know the answer to this one @shynjdude . I too have a life outside my marriage. I have very close friends. I get massages. I exercise and feel good in my body. I masturbate.
None of that really touches a deep place inside that irrationally believes there os something wrong with me. Logically I know it is not true. But I think you are correct - what lack of sexual desire broke in me only sexual desire will fix. The rest makes it better though
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2018 7:06:50 GMT -5
I dont know the answer to this one @shynjdude . I too have a life outside my marriage. I have very close friends. I get massages. I exercise and feel good in my body. I masturbate. None of that really touches a deep place inside that irrationally believes there os something wrong with me. Logically I know it is not true. But I think you are correct - what lack of sexual desire broke in me only sexual desire will fix. The rest makes it better though I actually brought this topic up with my therapist yesterday (our sessions are turning into bull sessions, but I think I'll be in crisis soon enough again...) She claims that the therapy that she specializes in, ACT, can help a person feel valued even in an SM without outsourcing, that it helps you separate emotions from facts. Which it does, but, as I told her, it seems superhuman. And she agreed. For those who never heard of it, this book is the bible for ACT: www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841
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muzack
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Post by muzack on Jun 23, 2018 0:07:33 GMT -5
Married for 17 years. Sex was never more than once a month and steadily tapered down. Had sex once in 2017 and twice so far this year. To be honest the sex has typically been little more than her lying there. Wife struggles with many issues, especially anxiety and related control issues. She has finally started going to counselling this year.
I am in it for my ten year old and the hope that it will get better. The non-sexual issues have been s-l-o-w-l-y improving over the years.
I understand the martyr mentality others have mentioned. I have accepted that it is unfair and there isn't that much within my control or influence. I have resolved to stick with it and be happy regardless how little intimacy is in my life.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 23, 2018 2:06:41 GMT -5
I dont know the answer to this one @shynjdude . I too have a life outside my marriage. I have very close friends. I get massages. I exercise and feel good in my body. I masturbate. None of that really touches a deep place inside that irrationally believes there os something wrong with me. Logically I know it is not true. But I think you are correct - what lack of sexual desire broke in me only sexual desire will fix. The rest makes it better though I actually brought this topic up with my therapist yesterday (our sessions are turning into bull sessions, but I think I'll be in crisis soon enough again...) She claims that the therapy that she specializes in, ACT, can help a person feel valued even in an SM without outsourcing, that it helps you separate emotions from facts. Which it does, but, as I told her, it seems superhuman. And she agreed. For those who never heard of it, this book is the bible for ACT: www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841 Well, dang. That's all well and good, but simply feeling valued is not a substitute for the uniquely wonderful benefits provided by loving sexual intimacy. I mean I think my husband values me in some ways, but there's no substitute for sex, orgasms, full, body contact! That's why it exists! It's the only thing that can do what sex does to release endorphins and keep us bonded. Think about it: sex is really kind of weird. Reflect for a moment on the strange positions we get into, the interesting body fluids involved, the lengths we'll go to to get it, the suffering we experience when we don't have it.... Why would God/the universe/nature have invented this strange thing-sexuality, I mean-if it wasn't uniquely necessary? I'm a huge proponent of therapy, but there's no substitute for sex.
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okiedude
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Post by okiedude on Jun 23, 2018 9:04:36 GMT -5
I actually brought this topic up with my therapist yesterday (our sessions are turning into bull sessions, but I think I'll be in crisis soon enough again...) She claims that the therapy that she specializes in, ACT, can help a person feel valued even in an SM without outsourcing, that it helps you separate emotions from facts. Which it does, but, as I told her, it seems superhuman. And she agreed. For those who never heard of it, this book is the bible for ACT: www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841 Well, dang. That's all well and good, but simply feeling valued is not a substitute for the uniquely wonderful benefits provided by loving sexual intimacy. I mean I think my husband values me in some ways, but there's no substitute for sex, orgasms, full, body contact! That's why it exists! It's the only thing that can do what sex does to release endorphins and keep us bonded. Think about it: sex is really kind of weird. Reflect for a moment on the strange positions we get into, the interesting body fluids involved, the lengths we'll go to to get it, the suffering we experience when we don't have it.... Why would God/the universe/nature have invented this strange thing-sexuality, I mean-if it wasn't uniquely necessary? I'm a huge proponent of therapy, but there's no substitute for sex. And this is where the frustration is. If you look at the sexual act it it seem so silly. But the psychological/chemical side is necessary. It is built into our beings. We are ment to do it even if it sees like a cruel joke. It forms bonds, it creates security, self worth and motivation. Without it we suffer. That is why the people on this board are here.... Because our spouses in our eyes are broken. We all have thought this out: you can run three miles, work in the yard for 6 hours, but you can't make love to me for 15-30 minutes...
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