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Post by mescaline on Jun 15, 2018 12:47:04 GMT -5
Forgot to say, thanks Northstar for the thread!
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 15, 2018 14:33:42 GMT -5
I am not judging anyone and this is solely my own opinion. I truly struggle with using the word "acceptance" to describe my situation and by using that word, one seems to be resigned to one's fate for the rest of one's life. Life is too short. Living an unhappy life for the sake of someone else is no way to live and I have made a promise to myself that long-term I will endeavor to find happiness with someone who will be in love with me, share the adventure of life, and the joy of sex and intimacy. I have faith that that woman is out there. Whether that person is my wife remains to be seen.
I may currently "tolerate" the fact that my wife appears to be choosing (consciously or unconsciously) to make our marriage sexless at this point, but I don't accept it. Honestly, it hurts and angers me greatly, but I choose to focus on the more positive aspects of our marriage while waiting to see if she is going to come around while "working on herself". During the time, I am also working on myself to try to be more emotionally connected to my wife and kids and to be home more, so I am not just sitting around biding my time. I tolerate it currently because at the moment, it is the lesser of the two evils and we are currently still in counseling trying to repair some things we should have repaired long ago. Honestly, at this point my marriage is not irretrievably broken, which is why I stay and continue to work toward a better tomorrow. It isn't all bad, and because of that, I tolerate it for now. I do love my wife and, if certain things were to resume, I could honestly probably say I was in love with my wife again. However, I don't "accept" this as a long-term solution, merely a means to an end, one way or another. The status quo is not acceptable for me. Again, this is my opinion on my situation only.
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Post by flounder on Jun 15, 2018 16:46:22 GMT -5
Still desiring your spouse when they’re indifferent to you? Yeah, that’s brutal. It’s like having a mad crush on the popular girl at school who doesn’t even know you. Getting shot down repeatedly is crushing; it’s slightly less painful to avoid acting on urges, but that’s not painless itself. It’s like suppressing part of who you are.
Yeah,I know exact how that feels. What makes it worse is that it used to be really good. Now I have 2 kids. They are my life. So I guess I stay and suffer,just so my kids won’t have to. Love spurned can indeed be soul crushing.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 15, 2018 20:45:16 GMT -5
[quote author=" shamwow" Getting past that burning resentment is something I never was able to do, and a tip of my hat to those who can. It seems like you regard getting past the anger and resentment as almost noble. I can assure you it was nothing of the sort for me. If you are in a position where you are unable or unwilling to manufacture an exit for whatever reasons you hold dear then I think there is little other long term option but to eat shit and grin. I think those who have the fortitude to push through the difficulties they face and seek a brighter future beyond here shame any notion of nobility in the marytdom of staying. They're probably better/stronger people than me. Or at least thats how I feel about it. [/quote] You're probably right on how I view the ability to stay. It was a kind of noble martyrdom for me. It's funny though. You view the stronger person as those who stay. I think the stronger is the one who can endure it and deal with the anger without saying "fuck it, I'm done." guess it's a matter of perspective. But I still do tip my hat to those who can endure what I could not. Nobility or martyrdom aside.
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ditchsurfer
New Member
Married for 27 years, not been sensual in 5 years. Staying for now
Posts: 15
Age Range: 56-60
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Post by ditchsurfer on Jun 17, 2018 20:44:14 GMT -5
First, Thank you for this great addition. I will stay, first for comingled assets and second, we are now raising our 6yo grandson. In his own way, he has added happiness to my life and that helps. I began thinking lately, that since I dont even try to start anything, because I hate rejection in the moment. Is this the true definition of irony? Since I dont try, can she then say later, well you never try anything. So I attemtpted twice in three days and no reaction, so I was not thinking wrongly. Sad but true.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 19, 2018 14:13:06 GMT -5
Wow, that strikes a cord saarinista . I believe I am staying for the kids but I have lots of the same dark thoughts. Like it is not so bad, we still have good things, there is no guarantee leaving will get me what I want. And I have a sense of divorce as failure which comes from my family not ever having divorce in it. There were some crappy marriages too that people took pride in staying in a nd fighting for. My h recently told me he is still working on his issues so we can have a sex life. But after 9 years of no sex I am not even interested in him anymore. Sigh. Staying can feel so hopeless I feel you. working on issues for 9 years? Yep, I'm in that same time frame, and I feel like I'm revirginized. Sigh. Then at times I wonder, maybe I'm repulsive. I know this is doing bad things to me psychologically. And I don't think I'm repulsive, but still I wonder...am I? It eats at you, even though you know logically that you have something to offer. Probably. Or do I?
You know?
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Post by saarinista on Jun 19, 2018 14:16:37 GMT -5
First, Thank you for this great addition. I will stay, first for comingled assets and second, we are now raising our 6yo grandson. In his own way, he has added happiness to my life and that helps. I began thinking lately, that since I dont even try to start anything, because I hate rejection in the moment. Is this the true definition of irony? Since I dont try, can she then say later, well you never try anything. So I attemtpted twice in three days and no reaction, so I was not thinking wrongly. Sad but true. Have you tried having a serious talk with her?
As for the grandson, you've got serious barriers now to leaving, so a serious talk would be worth it. But it might not help. After years of sexlessness, we can resign ourselves to living without it and give up.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 19, 2018 15:48:41 GMT -5
I stayed until the youngest was out of HS. It was very hard, and I lost a lot of myself. I don't know if it was the right decision or not.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 19, 2018 17:30:23 GMT -5
I stayed until the youngest was out of HS. It was very hard, and I lost a lot of myself. I don't know if it was the right decision or not. John!!! You back?
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Post by workingonit on Jun 19, 2018 17:31:54 GMT -5
I stayed until the youngest was out of HS. It was very hard, and I lost a lot of myself. I don't know if it was the right decision or not. Is this the same flashjohn that was here months ago and left abruptly? If so, can we get an update? Welcome back!
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 19, 2018 17:33:09 GMT -5
Seems like it must be old home week - HelenT just resurfaced too! Coincidence? Hmmmm... ;-)
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 19, 2018 18:21:28 GMT -5
Wow, that strikes a cord saarinista . I believe I am staying for the kids but I have lots of the same dark thoughts. Like it is not so bad, we still have good things, there is no guarantee leaving will get me what I want. And I have a sense of divorce as failure which comes from my family not ever having divorce in it. There were some crappy marriages too that people took pride in staying in a nd fighting for. My h recently told me he is still working on his issues so we can have a sex life. But after 9 years of no sex I am not even interested in him anymore. Sigh. Staying can feel so hopeless I feel you. working on issues for 9 years? Yep, I'm in that same time frame, and I feel like I'm revirginized. Sigh. Then at times I wonder, maybe I'm repulsive. I know this is doing bad things to me psychologically. And I don't think I'm repulsive, but still I wonder...am I? It eats at you, even though you know logically that you have something to offer. Probably. Or do I?
You know?
saarinista this is part of why I decided to outsource. And it absolutely confirmed that no, there is nothing at all wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you either.
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Post by thefullmoon on Jun 20, 2018 1:03:03 GMT -5
Several of us have requested that moderators create a section for people who plan to stay in their sexless marriages even if the marriages never become sexually fulfilling. We felt that this would meet the needs of people who may feel that ILIASM is not helpful to them because typically, the advice is to divorce or otherwise leave the relationship. Since the mods have not started such a section, I've created this. ....... . I hope others who are pessimistic about the outlook for SMs also will refrain from posting here. Thus, this can be a place for others who are so in love, committed to their marriage, religious, concerned about their kids, reluctant to be single, etc. to share information and support each other. Thank you, Northstarmom! For years I thought to create somerhing like this.... Statisticaly overwhelming majority stay in SM... so jumping in the pool... I have not read any posts yet, but will do later, just wanted to say hello! A lot if things happened since I first joined the EP...I did not visit often lately as I started to feel a bit alien... So , I have been married for 22 years now nearly 10 sexless...never planned to leave.. Have to rush now, but will be back! Huggs to everyone! Love you all!
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 20, 2018 11:29:23 GMT -5
I stayed until the youngest was out of HS. It was very hard, and I lost a lot of myself. I don't know if it was the right decision or not. John!!! You back?
Yes, I am back.
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Post by flashjohn on Jun 20, 2018 11:30:55 GMT -5
I stayed until the youngest was out of HS. It was very hard, and I lost a lot of myself. I don't know if it was the right decision or not. Is this the same flashjohn that was here months ago and left abruptly? If so, can we get an update? Welcome back! Well, my GF was very upset about something, so I deleted my account. However, she found out that her hormones were off. They are better now, and so I am back.
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