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Post by workingonit on Jun 11, 2018 21:08:12 GMT -5
When I was a teenager I can distinctly remember a deep sense of restless anticipation as I waited for the real adventure of my life to start when I left home. I can remember feeling so done with high school and the limitations of being young. I was not angry- just excited about what I was sure was going to be a great adventure and restless for it to begin.
I have a similar but very different, darker feeling of restlessness now.
I feel like my overall satisfaction with EVERYTHING in my life is colored by my SM. I feel so...stifled. I guess that is the similarity to that earlier time. I look at my suburban middle class life, my 9-5 job, my very proper and polite religious community, and it all has echos of a type of rejection of ME. Like, 'No, your passionate self is not welcome here." I feel like I have crammed the bigness, the colorful, the passionate nature of my soul into a small box that is my life- into the restrictions and the BORING reality of my life. The problem is I don't know how much all of this is just a reaction to my SM. Maybe the only real problem is my SM and if I had a passionate marriage I would look at the normalcy and safety of my world and feel grateful for it. Instead, I feel stifled and suppressed.
I am working on finding ways to contradict this feeling. I have been taking long hikes after work every night listening to music and watching the sunset over the lake where I live. On these long walks I feel like each step I take I feel more powerful, more me, more able to MOVE and not feel so stuck. Nature helps. Music helps. You guys all help. I think meeting new people will help too. I do love my friends but it is also refreshing to have friends that don't know my h at all, are not part of our community where my h is such a presence.
What parts of your life do you feel became colored by your SM? If you got out of your SM did you throw out other parts of your life too? If you have that similar restless soul that I have, what do you do that helps?
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Post by baza on Jun 11, 2018 22:12:09 GMT -5
Bear in mind I am out by 8+ years Sister workingonit - and time does tend to blunt the worst of the ILIASM pain - so it is as well to apply appropriate discounts to my offerings in here. Given that at this point you are staying in your ILIASM deal, your policy of reducing your exposure to it (as you are doing) seems a very smart move. As does widening your social circle to include people who have no direct involvement in your ILIASM deal. It's not so much a matter of "throwing out parts of your life" as it is "not continuing with certain aspects of your life". There's a significant difference between the two. Anyway, to your Q's #1 - What parts of your life do you feel became colored by your SM? ---- Sex life, social life, extended family life. #2 - If you got out of your SM did you throw out other parts of your life too? ---- No. There were certain things I stopped continuing with, but I didn't attempt to throw it away. (I dont actually think that's possible) #3 - If you have that similar restless soul that I have, what do you do that helps? ---- I don't think I had the 'restless soul' thing happening at the time. But I did resurrect my golf, and I got heavily involved in coaching Aussie Rules football at suburban level which widened my social base enormously.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 11, 2018 22:19:08 GMT -5
I identify with feeling cramped while I was still in my SM. I recall distinctly the day I was leaving my house for work one morning and I realized what I did with my posture. I had a hunched over setting while still in the driveway. As I turned left onto the gravel road, my spine straightened, my shoulders relaxed- I literally got taller! I was “out of the cage” when my wheels hit the gravel. It was eye opening!
Later, I left him. THAT is really what helped.
For interim relief strategies- lots of exercise, days away from home with a certain female friend or two. I helped one de-hoard her home, so it was a very engrossing type of project. Just “getting out of self” by helping others is a great way to take my mind off my own troubles. Volunteer. Or ride bikes (we have great bike paths through nature around here).
Art! Creativity is a great soul-soother.
But, honestly, escape did the most for me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 11, 2018 22:35:08 GMT -5
I love the way you worded this it's very good!! I'll stick my foot in this pool!
Going through the divorce (expecting it to be over much sooner, and not take two years) I too was ready to throw away that old tight box known as token Husband, token stay at home dad, token homeschooler, being second in line (9th in line actually) I found a new church, one where no one has ever met or seen my now ex. I joined gyms where I go as divorced, single, no wedding rings. I go to restaurants, I don't sit at a booth with the 9 of us remaining unheard, unseen. I know sit at the bar and talk to the waitress more, I talk to the person beside me, I went to divorce recovery meetings and dinner afterwards me and 6 other woman. So many of those past things put me in a second class, back burner position. Now I'm not feeling stuck anymore.
There was a time when I was employed at our mega church, doing childcare. You can bet I was involved with woman, 100's of them, all mothers of one year olds (my youngest was 2 at the time) I knew lots of staff people, while my W. new very few people. A few years went by, guess what happened? She was most likely jealous, and no longer had the control she liked, so suddenly she didn't like the sermons, her daddy was bored, the kids where bored, and weren't meeting anyone, the church was too far away, etc... WE joined another church. I hardly got involved my kids and most of us disliked it. After the divorce she stays there, yet barely goes.
Now after the divorce I have a new home in a new neighborhood. No one there was around to see my suppressed, stifled, loveless, SM full of manipulation. The same where ever I go now. There are people that I wont see again. ( I was not expecting my two older boys to be part of that equation, but I'm pretty sure there not all that thrilled to be stuck with their mom, once again it's about the $$$$)
Why, just today I was reflecting back on what a satisfying day I had. Some of my best parts where treating myself to dinner, buying the food that I want and my kids will want, maintaining several properties that I own ,my business. All outdoor work on a quit street, restoring my own house, my way, my profit. Hoping on my bike at 9:00pm and riding around the quiet streets of my new neighborhood and not feeling the dread of walking back into the toxic house I used to live in. Instead I can feel like I did when I was 13 and would talk to adults in the neighborhood when I rode my bike. I received a lot of mentoring and self esteem ,they enjoyed talking with me, other kids where not doing that but I did. ( I see my daughter do the same thing in her new neighborhood)
I wish I could tell you more of what I do that helps me get over the need for knowing that a woman desires me, that I'm still capable of having good sex and intimacy,that part seems deeply wounded by decades of my SM. I've completely given up on the thought of on line dating, I'm going to try to go to more events and be bolder and take more risks by talking to more woman.
Another big factor will be school and employment , that's an avenue I am ready to boldly venture into (lot's of phone calls first, more communicating) things that where not happening stuck in the "marriage' box.
What I should have said earlier was "hiring an attorney and going through the entire divorce process was A BIG step outside the box!" I knew I was throwing away the safety of my spouses income, yet for a long time I wanted to have my own income and independence during the marriage. It took the divorce to see how difficult that was going to be with her unlawful ways of moving "Our" money.
That restless anticipation in your teen years you talked about? I see that in my teens. my youngest with all her learning disabilities is acting really giddy about getting on line and studying for her drivers permit. her older sister tells her the reality that's coming, that hasn't slowed her down! It's great to have that around me! They are teaching me! I tell myself "look at that, I need to be that way again!"
Here's to giving yourself a new clean pallet, a beginners book on "how to paint" and the boldness, and joy that comes with the freedom to express the real you, and have others say "that's amazing. I wish I could do that!"
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 12, 2018 10:55:17 GMT -5
ur life do you feel became colored by your SM?
In my SM I felt like I was in prison. The resentment and anger were unbearable. I was not mentally healthy. Everything he did annoyed me.
If you got out of your SM did you throw out other parts of your life too? In my SM there was a lot of financial dysfunction. As a result of the divorce I am financially independent. Usually from a divorce the financial situation is worse but mine got better. I also took the initiative to connect with old friends and I made some new friends. I grew and I healed, I focused on myself and figured out what I really wanted for myself.
If you have that similar restless soul that I have, what do you do that helps?
For me to feed my restless soul I need things to look forward to. I need my friendships and going on outings, the theater, movies, lunches, doing activities with my children, watching tv with Mr. Bballgirl, meeting my lover, and I also need time to myself - today I went for a walk early in the morning then I dropped my daughter at camp after I went for breakfast by myself which I really enjoy. It's the oxygen mask philosophy- flight attendants tell us to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first then our children. We have to be well and our best for everything else in our lives to be healthy and happy.
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