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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 9, 2018 23:26:02 GMT -5
Let me first apologize for airing my dirty laundry.
This will be a different fathers day after the divorce. 3 of my 6 kids will be with me on Fathers day. My two older boys remain with their mom and aren't interested in communicating with me, my very oldest has moved away.
What reaaly ticked me off the most was the manipulation in these last 5 or 6 yrs when my (now ex) "detached" herself. She used her daddy living with us in a triangulation. More and more she would make a big deal of worshiping her daddy on that day only. Ignoring the father to her children one door away in the master bedroom. She would set up traveling to see his relatives, or them coming to our house, dinner for him, pics on Fakebook of them together, etc... all the time not a single flying monkey asking "where is GreatCoastal?"
Now I will deal with my two older sons having "grandpa" at the house without me around. More manipulation as far as I'm concerned. More damage to their psychic as to how a marriage should have been.
Instead I will have my girls and my son with me, and me only. No more influence and competing. I'm not going to be a "Disney dad and buy their love" but I am going to do my best to insure that all 4 of us have a memorable day.
If I receive zero cards or gifts, I'll be happy, it will be our time together, good times that will make it a Happy Fathers day (maybe some swimming in the Ocean, dinner and a movie) almost like a date.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2018 0:07:44 GMT -5
I never understood commercial greeting cards. I never understood spending a few bucks for a card when you could print them yourself.
Although my family was never much into greeting cards, when I have needed to make them, I would always make it myself.
There are plenty of greeting card templates out there for Powerpoint or Word or probably even online. Why not make your own card and avoid the angst? Spending hours trying to find the right card just never made sense to me.
(Now I am nostalgic for a custom greeting card I printed for a girl many years ago for her birthday - printed by a room-sized commercial laser printer on card stock, before the person who started this thread was born. Sigh.)
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 10, 2018 5:27:56 GMT -5
“Instead I will have my girls and my son with me, and me only. No more influence and competing. I'm not going to be a "Disney dad and buy their love" but I am going to do my best to insure that all 4 of us have a memorable day.
If I receive zero cards or gifts, I'll be happy, it will be our time together, good times that will make it a Happy Fathers day (maybe some swimming in the Ocean, dinner and a movie) almost like a date.”
In many ways, we teach people how to treat us. When it comes to special days, we can also decide what makes us happy and do what is in our power to make that happen. I know that your wife was a master manipulator glued to her dad. Still, instead of going along with allowing Father's Day to be all about him, you could have spoken up and made your desires known end planned some things with the kids you would enjoy even if that meant planning, “Daddy’s Father’s Day” a week after or before the real day.
You can do that now. What would you like to do to celebrate the day? It should be a day in which you not only enjoy it but allow and encourage the kids to do things beside being there that help you enjoy it. Don’t just celebrate by being with them and your doing the driving and spending that is what makes the day special. Let them know it’s a special day for you and guide them in doing things that add to your pleasure. In doing this, you also will be helping them get the wonderful pleasure of experiencing giving, something that will build their own self efficacy and happiness.
For instance, encourage them (and help them if needed) to make you breakfast in bed and a picnic that they can enjoy in a park. Encourage them to make you cards. If there’s some task that needs to be done such as cleaning your car let them do that as their gift to you. Let your son who is grown and away know you’d appreciate a card and a call or visit.
Since Grandpa has always been part of their life, it would be a kindness if despite your resentment of him, you encouraged them to text, call or email him with Father’s Day greetings and or a card.
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Post by wom360 on Jun 10, 2018 17:46:33 GMT -5
I went to the store today to buy Fathers’ Day cards. One to my own father? Easy. One from our son to his father/my H? Simple. But one from me to my refuser H? Nearly impossible. I was on the verge of tears, quite honestly, reading all the sweet lovey dovey cards meant for wives to give to their husband and father of their children; talking about how in love they still are, how they couldn’t imagine a more amazing husband and father, how they wouldn’t change a thing about their lives together... I would love for this to be my reality but it simply is not. And I honestly refuse to give him a card that perpetuates our facade of a marriage. I must have read 30 cards before finding ONE I could settle on, talking about what a great father, provider, and role model he is. Ok, fine. (“Role model” is debatable but I’ll take it.) It was a sobering experience to say the least. I faced the very same dilemma on Mother's Day. My mother passed away several years ago and I sure couldn't find an appropriate card for my wife refuser. So after about a half hour I settled on one from our pets, thanking her for being such a wonderful mother and taking care of them. And I signed it with each of our pets name, and that's what she got. Which is more than she will do for me next week. Several years ago when I commented on the lack of attention on Father's Day, my refuser's response was "Well, your not my father and you're not a father since we have no kids together."
I was deeply shocked and deeply hurt. But for sure, I knew how she felt and where I stood in the scheme of things..
Ever since then, each Father's Day comes and goes with no mention of "Happy Father's Day" or any display of affection or appreciation.
So I always remind myself of what she said every Father's Day so that I don't forget how she sees me and feels about me.
And yet you still give her a card on Mother’s Day. She’s not the mother of YOUR children....
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Post by solodriver on Jun 10, 2018 20:45:29 GMT -5
Very true, but back then I wanted to at least acknowledge her on Mother's Day and not completely ignore it like she does me on Father's Day. But it won't be a problem for me in the future.
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