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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 10, 2018 0:55:10 GMT -5
No, greatcoastal it does not. I have a hard time imagining divorce going that way but I know too much from this site and from friends than to count on it. When I am in despair I think I will likely be alone. But at least the POTENTIAL will be there, which I think is better than life now. There's not much pleasure in having to throw such a nasty reality out there, like I did. Call it tough love or something. Here's more reality. You can add another year on after the divorce for things like "the healing process". Emotional, financial, physical. For example, my past 90 days after the divorce has been so freekin' filled with bank visits mortgage companies, insurance cancellations, tittle changes, home inspections, appraisals deed transfers, address changes, drivers licence updates, moving, loan approvals, satisfaction of mortgages,Quick claim deeds, grantor to grantee, home insurance, health insurance, auto insurance, home repairs, plumbers, electricians, fence installation ,tree trimming, exterminators, school transfer papers, bus transfer papers, etc... all big delays in the financial and emotional healing process.( while people ask me "have you gotten a job yet?") However,every step is a step forward. Every day has minor VICTORIES and less and less set backs. Even accomplishing so many of these things on my own "and the times I do get help from others", proves to me that I can and will move forward. Many things that wont need repeating. The same that comes with HOPE. Not false hopes like the kind that linger in our SM's. The more they linger the more the clock continues to tick,tick,tick. HOPE that comes with the POTENTIAL of new beginnings, new paths, new surroundings, new people, a new you! A big Hope for me is to know that I am desired again. Something I hope you will discover again as well, something that should not be postponed for more years and years. Hope that gives you the boldness to take risks, risks that can give you tremendous pay offs. "If you don't quit you can't loose".
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 10, 2018 8:25:31 GMT -5
GC said: "Men DO want woman 10 yrs younger than them. why? These are the same woman who when they where 19 did not find the men at 19 attractive. The same woman who at age 25 where interested in men 35 who had 6 figure incomes, fancy cars, houses ,etc....
Now these same woman are 50 yrs old and divorced, they gave birth multiple times, they have teenagers living with them, (how many more years until that teen is out of the house? that's going to remain there top priory, not this new guy) they have there own home and a decent income. What does a guy 50 yrs old and older care about? How you look and act with your clothes off, not that you own a house or have a big income.
Your body isn't what it was when you where 19, neither is his, but he can get a younger woman .Not as easy for you to get a younger man, (or even one your age) maybe a one night stand where you get used and the young guy expects you to make breakfast for him and he doesn't have a job. It's not the love AND A RELATIONSHIP that woman at that age say they want."
"Want" and "get" are very different. Unless a divorced man is well off or a celebrity, he's not likely to date, hookup or marry a woman 10 years younger. Heck, women, too, would love to be with a man with the body of a man 10 years younger. Who would't? But the reality is that probably most divorced people end up dating someone around their own age. That's probably similar to the age gap of whom they dated when they were young. When I was 19, was dating a guy a year younger, and then, at 21, I dated a guy 4 years older, and briefly dated one 9 years older, but he complained about his health problems like he was my granddad's age, so I stopped seeing him. I ended up at 28 marrying a man 2 years older who when we met made less than I did. In the years before that, I dated men my age and about 2 years older.
As for women 50 and older being unable to get men, while it's true that the male: female ratio is increasingly in men's favor as people get older, where a woman lives as well as her personal characteristics also play into this. Here's what's up with my single women friends 50 and older:
S, 52 a vivacious, beautiful, brilliant woman with an MD degree who has piloted a hot air balloon and become a volunteer firefighter Last year she was dating a man her age who had a doctorate. About 6 months later, he broke up with her. However, she's being chased by a lot of guys including one her age, a retired firefighter who travels the world and even flew to meet her when she travelled to Egypt and Vietnam, and one who is a young looking, active, well off 71, but she thinks he's too old for her.
P is 67, gray haired, slender, always wears jeans and mismatched blue socks. She also has had a double mastectomy with no reconstruction. A retired college prof, she frequently babysits her 3-year-old grandson. She is the type of person who's a good listener and a wonderful friend. She no longer is interested in sex. Two men her age want to marry her.
J, 61, a twice divorced slender blonde with lots of fine wrinkles, has a graduate degree but lives in a trailer because she lost her job. In the 6 years I've known her, except for about 6 months, she has been in a relationship with a man -- typically someone her age or younger. The men tend to be nice guys who -- due to their careers (carpenter, musician) are broke. But she's broke, too!
N, 67, a beautiful, intelligent Ivy-educated woman who looks younger than she is. She is also a millionaire as well as an alcoholic and sex addict. She is supporting a boyfriend who is about 15 years younger than her and is obviously using her.
M, 56, an overweight natural blonde. She has a doctorate and constantly talks about her grandkids. She is overweight and dresses frumpily when she's not pursuing her hobby -- mountain biking. She had a crush on a guy who was about 10 years younger, but he ended up dating a woman a few years younger than him whose avocation is belly dancing, and who doesn't talk his ear off about kids or grandkids. She had a brief affair with a married guy.
L, 68, a widow who was having an affair with a married man about 12 years her junior. She decided she wanted a committed relationship, signed onto eHarmony and now has been married for 6 years to a man two weeks younger than herself whom she met via that service. He had his own money. She had hers.
Me, 66, I was 15 pounds overweight when I started dating my post SM guy 5 years ago. During that period, I also was approached by a married man 12 years younger, a handsome single guy about 15 years younger, and I was kissed by a guy about 20 years younger. None of these men were men who would have been relying on me for financial support. Incidentally, a year or two before we got together, post SM guy had drunkenly made a pass at a woman about 30 years his junior. She happened to be gay and also just liked him as a friend. Sure, older men may long for those hot, young bodies, but they are likely to end up with someone about their age.
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Post by WindSister on Jun 10, 2018 8:36:08 GMT -5
On dating and finding someone again.... you find and settle for what you value. Some definitely value the surface stuff more. Myself? I found a man my age who values ME. And I value him. I value kindness, loyalty, work ethics, emotional maturity. Therefore, he's no Brad Pitt, and he can't spell worth a damn because he worked his whole life supporting his ex wife and kids. Grammar Nazis overlook his type because they value education. I saw the other things I value most and it's been wonderful. I adore my blue collar, insightful husband. Especially more after those two years in the shallows of the dating pool where most value the superficial. FYI.. He's always called me beautiful. I look my age, I'm no hot body.
Figure yourself out. Figure out what you really value. And don't take it personal when rejection happens. Hold out for the one who values you. It can and does happen, but you do need to know what you want.
I am so thankful I figured it out at a young enough age to enjoy the next half of life with my man. This love is the one I dreamed of finding as I slept back to back, never touching, with my ex.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 10, 2018 8:39:13 GMT -5
Sadly, I've got some more bad news for you. I'm going to get blasted for this. Let me clarifying by stating :This is not my mentality or logic, this is not how all men think, this does not apply to all men, this will not apply to all woman,this is a generality,so please take it that way. Men do want woman 10yrs younger than them. why? These are the same woman who when they where 19 did not find the men at 19 attractive. The same woman who at age 25 where interested in men 35 who had 6 figure incomes, fancy cars, etc.... Now these same woman are 50 yrs old and divorced, they gave birth multiple times, they have teenagers living with them, (how many more years until that teen is out of the house? that's going to remain your top priory, not this new guy) they have their own home and a decent income. What does a guy 50 yrs old and older care about? How you look and act with your clothes off. Your body isn't what it was when you where 19, neither is his, but he can get a younger woman .Not as easy for you to get a younger man, (or even one your age) maybe a one night stand where you get used and the young guy expects you to make breakfast for him and he doesn't have a job. It's not the love AND A RELATIONSHIP that woman at that age say they want. So this general thinking is ,Woman who where liking older men in their youth are now older, the same men who got rejected back then . They go after younger woman, (some because, these men offer the money, power and control, and they can) What does that leave the 50 and over woman with? Men who are in there 60's hitting on them . Some of you may not like that at all, I really don't like it either, at 54 yrs old the thought of some 28 yr old wanting to be with me for sex is wrong on so many levels, but it is part of the society around me. Does that mean that I will be able to date/hook up with 44 yr old woman? Most likely. A question for you @workingonit, does your 4-5 yr exit plan take into consideration that your divorce could be one of the 20-30% that go to court and get strung out for 2 to 3 yrs? Add that to your age when you are now entering the dating pool. No, greatcoastal it does not. I have a hard time imagining divorce going that way but I know too much from this site and from friends than to count on it. I also hate that this is the way it is but I agree with you that it is that way. At least in limited samplings. Obviously, anything can happen but if we are just looking at numbers and statistics, I think you are right. I honestly have deep despair about every having what I want. I want to believe there is a shamwow to my ballofconfusion but there is no guarantee and some days I really doubt it. When I am in despair I think I will likely be alone. But at least the POTENTIAL will be there, which I think is better than life now I disagree with greatcoastal on this. Mostly. When I was getting divorced I had a plan. Let's call it Plan A. My ex bait and switched me. Before the marriage sex was plentiful. As soon as we landed from the honeymoon, sex dried up. And for 20 years I became needed solely to make babies and as an ATM. Now Plan A consisted of me jumping on Tinder and getting laid like crazy. I would probably be looking at younger women because they would be less experienced. See, after 20 years of being kicked in the head by my ex, my self confidence was at an all time low. I needed to find someone to fuck as much as a confidence building exercise as a sexual release. And if the tits sagged a bit less? Bonus. So I started thinking about Plan A a few years ago. As my eyes opened around me I noticed some things. Women 10 years or more younger than I simply had too big of a divide to cross. Simple cultural references would be met with a blank stare. I created what I called the A Team test. If a lady didn't know who the A Team was, then it probably wouldn't work. Doesn't mean she had to have watched the A Team or recorded it on her VCR every week, but she had to have heard of it. Also, someone 10 years younger would also have kids of her own most likely. I'm 45 years old and as much as I enjoyed coaching kids activities, I am looking forward to an empty nest where I can go for a motorcycle ride on the weekends if I want to. And any lady I'd be interested in would be there (enthusiastically) by my side. When I met ballofconfusion, I told her straight up about Plan A. There was no judgment on her part. Pretty much anyone on this forum "gets it" even if it wouldn't be their own choice. Hell, I even invited her to be part of plan A. Even though she wasn't looking for that she took a chance on me. As it turned out, as I got to know her better, the idea of Plan A became more and more depressing. I just wanted my Plan B (Plan Ballofconfusion). I'm so amazingly lucky I did. So, I respectfully disagree with GC. But not because of my story. I disagree because I'm a year further down the road. Right out of a divorce it is normal to want to prove "you still got it". But let that teapot cool for a little while. Most people realize that while it may be fun to ring up younger conquests, it gets a bit depressing after a while. And when you finally find someone it will be someone you have things in common with. And that "usually" is someone around your age. Just my 2 cents worth. PS, ballofconfusion is 4 years older than I am.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 10, 2018 9:00:07 GMT -5
Whether or not after divorce you get into a relationship depends not only on your standards but also what you have to offer in terms of character and personality. If your life is centered only around your kids, if you are bitter, a recluse, desperate, feel worthless —whether you are a man or woman, those factors will reduce your odds of finding a compatible partner.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 10, 2018 11:13:03 GMT -5
I spoke earlier in generalities. I spoke about woman and men once they are in their 50's. Ten years ago I was 44 yrs old. My daughters where 4 and 5 That put me with other groups of woman with their 4 and 5 year old who where more of the age of 35, we got along on a surface level, quite well.. I remember being full of energy around them, my kids and theirs, hours of physical activities, pulling them in wagons, tossing them into inner tubes in the pool swimming in the ocean with them on my back, etc... 10 more years has changed this body, asthma and an injured foot. 10 more years and getting into your 50's changes a lot of things for a lot of people.
Last night (a Saturday night) I read in my email an invitation for a pot luck dinner and a local singer at the local yacht club by a meet up group called Singles 50+. I decided last moment I'll go , I'll enjoy speaking with everyone, men and woman, and yes, I'll get more of an idea of what woman my age who are single look and act like towards me.
I got there early and sat in the parking lot, not sure where to go. I watched person after person pull up and go inside (there where 31 people who had made RSVP) I saw woman who looked 65 and over, every one of them. Half of them had a man with them who also looked 65 or older, one had a cane, another a walker. They all had food in there hands so I knew I was in the right location. They all walked extremely slow. I honestly would have felt like I was visiting a retirement home. This would have been my second event with this group where I experienced the same thing.
That was one group, one event. I know better than to judge all woman on that snippet of experience. Quite different than some of the woman who are in their 50's that I see running on the treadmill at the gym. But you don't get to speak to them at the gym.
This is not a generality, it's my own individual testimony. Last year I was standing in the lobby of the local gym conversing with the staff at the front desk. I noticed my neighbors wife was seated in the lobby, I recognized her and spoke to her, I asked her all about her daughters (our daughters used to play together) She said to me " GreatCoastal I hardly recognized you" I had no idea why except that I was wearing shorts and a sleeveless T. She asked me "how old are you now?" I told her "53, why?" she said, " you don't even look like you're 40!" I was taken back. I said "why thank you, that's quit a compliment!"
What I didn't say to her where my other thoughts, " you seem to have let yourself go compared to the woman I knew when our kids played together, while your H is still just as thin as I am". And sadly I can not honestly say "you look the same as when you first moved in". Instead she was the one looking more 53 not a woman who is in her mid 40's.
Instead of going home I went to one of the more popular bar/restaurants down town. I saw woman whom I would think "I sure could desire her, she could be between 50 and 55. There's another who would be between 45 and 50, would she desire me? Look at who she is with, I would have a chance. Isn't that the kind of thoughts you have when you're dealing with a SM? or after it? It is for me.
Just to bring this full circle, the longer I would have waited to get divorced the closer I would have been to going into that yacht club and settling. The clock would have kept ticking, another year, plus another year, waiting for kids to grow up. The more difficult it is ,to realize finding a compatible partner has a whole new set of complications now, and would be worse had I waited another year, another year. Compared to when you where in your 20's and marrying your College sweetheart.
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Post by WindSister on Jun 10, 2018 11:15:45 GMT -5
I don't know. Because then I circle back to... just know yourself. Be yourself. If someone doesn't truly value who you are, better to be single and play the field till you find someone who does. No morphing or settling.. The lady who talks about her kids doesn't really need to change, she just hasn't met the man who values that about her. Maybe she never will, but at least she'll be happy with her life.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 10, 2018 11:28:51 GMT -5
“The lady who talks about her kids doesn't really need to change, she just hasn't met the man who values that about her. Maybe she never will, but at least she'll be happy with her life.”
What you say is true to s certain extent. However, if one wants friends or romantic partners it’s also wise to develop some skills in conversing about things that matter to more than oneself. One very much narrows one’s field of potential friends:partners if one only talks about one’s problems, failed relationships, kids, grandkids of health problems.
There are men and women I avoid due to their laser focus on such topics. Such focus also reflects their own self centeredness. I had lunch recently with a woman who is friends with my woman friend who talks mainly about her grandkids. My friend had told me the woman was fascinating, a former scuba diver and world traveler.
When we met, the woman talked only about her grsnddaughter. All subjects led to that except for the woman’s saying she wished she had a partner like mine (she had heard about him through our mutual friend). Well, she might if she did more than center her life around her 13 year old granddaughter. Frankly, if a msn were attracted to her due to her granddaughter, he’d likely be a pedophile.
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