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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 8, 2018 13:11:44 GMT -5
I had an interesting conversation last night leading me to think about how much money a year of my life is worth to me.
In other words, how much would someone need to pay me to make it worth staying another year in this SM that I intend to leave?
For many of us who stay, is the answer actually $0? The “reward” being remaining comfortable in life as you know it, even if not fully happy?
And for those who have left, I have to wonder if the answer is that NO dollar amount could be worth “losing” any more time being unhappy.
So humor me: If it could be broken down in concrete terms to a dollar amount: how much is one year of your life worth?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2018 14:41:26 GMT -5
I cannot put a dollar amount on the amount of loneliness and the price of not getting touched for a year.
Put it this way - assuming I move forward, the divorce will cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars that will effectively no longer be available to me (half value of house, investments, retirement accounts...) That is not at all in my calculations of whether I should do it or not.
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Post by mescaline on Jun 8, 2018 14:45:31 GMT -5
I can't put a value on being able to live with and to see my kids on a daily basis. They are the reason I stay.
A comfortable life doesn't equate to possessions, being able to afford certain experiences, having social kudos. It's about being happy with yourself. My SM makes me unhappy, I need to get out, just not yet!
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Post by h on Jun 8, 2018 14:50:22 GMT -5
I think that financial situations on a case by case basis could determine that dollar amount for each person. In my own case, someone would have to pay me the value of our debts for a divorce to be feasible right now. We have more debt than assets so that needs to be dealt with first regardless of what I choose. If my W got a decent job my answer would be different (she has been applying for a while to numerous positions but demand is not as high as supply right now). Our income discrepancy is such that I would lose almost everything in a divorce. I'm right on the edge now and any alimony would mean I would have to sell my house because I couldn't make the mortgage payments. That would mean I would have to take a loss on it because new housing developments in our area tanked our real estate market and home prices haven't recovered.
I would also have to give her a portion of my retirement for the length of time we had been married. As it is, it won't be much so the prospect of living on less means I would have to delay retirement until I had saved enough to make up the difference. That may mean I don't get many years of retirement. Life expectancy with my family history isn't very long. If I left to get my immediate freedom, I could be torpedoing my long term goals. All things to weigh and consider.
I think the question is a little off. Maybe you should ask instead "How much would you be willing to pay/lose/ give up for your freedom?"
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2018 14:56:02 GMT -5
I decided to divorce when I realized I’d rather live in a one room place than remain with my h in my dream house.
This week I retired after realizing my job had become so stressful and my boss so toxic that no amount of money could keep me there. I felt like it was killing me.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 8, 2018 15:05:00 GMT -5
Yes h, this is precisely the question I am grappling with: How much would I be willing to lose/give up to stay for another year? Another 3? Another 5? In my case I would be giving up a LOT. And not just monetarily. (But that’s the most tangible factor to consider.)
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Post by workingonit on Jun 8, 2018 15:24:09 GMT -5
Money is absolutely an issue for us but I tend to not think about it because my children are just so much of a bigger deal. It does not serve them well to separate now. Although, money is a part of that too. If we have to support 2 separate houses that means less money for the kids, less help we can give with college, less everything.
I know it is cliche but there is not much I would not do for my boys. There is a price to pay for staying but right now it is worth it.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 8, 2018 15:56:08 GMT -5
choosinghappy, I don't have a price, per se, but I have done this math: the cost of a divorce in terms of assets and alimony would require me to work an extra 20 years just to get back to where we are right now - which is not ready for retirement. That has a pretty chilling effect on emotional urges to "escape at any cost".
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Post by flounder on Jun 8, 2018 16:07:31 GMT -5
I can't put a value on being able to live with and to see my kids on a daily basis. They are the reason I stay. A comfortable life doesn't equate to possessions, being able to afford certain experiences, having social kudos. It's about being happy with yourself. My SM makes me unhappy, I need to get out, just not yet! Mescaline is correct.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 8, 2018 17:40:07 GMT -5
I did divorce and at the time I was willing to give up half of my pension which at the time I would want to retire i would not have been able to but I didn't care I was living for the day and just wanted out of the marriage. Fortunately my ex met my terms for the divorce and didn't go after my pension, he really does love me he just doesn't want sex with me and has medical issues too. Life is so complicated.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2018 17:42:58 GMT -5
When I got to the point of realizing how bad my marriage was, while I wouldn't have stayed for the money and house, if my kids had been young -- below college age -- I would have gritted my teeth and stayed for them. My husband and I were polite to each other -- like roommates, and we always coparented well. We didn't fight. We didn't abuse each other. It would have been reasonably comfortable for the kids.
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tsm
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Post by tsm on Jun 8, 2018 18:09:59 GMT -5
My ex wanted us to stay officially as a couple while living apart, something that would have been helped by her move across the state with my work staying where it was. My visits to see our daughter would have been our "together" time officially. She wanted us to go ahead with our plans to buy a house up there, and then in a year or two "separate" whereupon she would take over the payments on the house and get a loan against the equity to pay me out. For her it made great financial sense, as neither of us would have met the loan or equal on our own but she would have been able to make the payments easily (remote area where the banks don't really want to play, so they make loans there almost impossible to get....minimum 30% deposits and stupidly tight income test) whereas for me it would have been a war or two of being tied down with no ability to set my own financial position. As my income was a bit higher than hers it also meant that she would have ended up with more than half at the final split and it meant a year or two of her being entitled to some of my income. To me it would have meant a year or two extra before divorce being finalised and being free to remarry if I found someone. She was ok with the idea of me dating during that time, but it would have been pretty weird to most girls to be in that situation....
The deal on that house fell over anyway, andnwithout that asset building side of the equation there was suddenly no reason to even half consider the idea...and she was getting harder to stay under the same roof with. She did some trips away to find a new house to rent, each time she came back she was worse to be with, and after a couple of weeks of that I packed all my stuff while she was away looking at a house and moved into my friend's spare room.
Staying "in a relationship" with her for that year or so would have probably netted me $30k but I really don't regret walking away for one minute.
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Post by baza on Jun 8, 2018 19:22:24 GMT -5
I'll have a crack. (the figures below were as valued in 2009) I live in a no fault jurisdiction and could have got 50% of the divisible assets in the divorce I settled for 38% which means it cost me 12% of the divisible assets to get out. So at that moment in time there was about 2.2m to divvy up or 1.1m each. I settled for roughly 850k instead of chasing the 1.1m. So that cost me roughly 250k I've been out now coming up 9 years. Amortising that 250k out over those 9 years comes to about 27k per year. So there's my figure Sister choosinghappy - $27,000 per annum, reducing by 2k per year. And since getting out in 2009 and paddling my financial canoe solo for 9 years, I've made up that 250k and more. Plus, I am in a relationship with the delectable Ms enna over the last 8 years, and she bought a few bucks into the picture as well. The points I want to make are these...in no particular order - The divisible assets are not (and never were) *yours*. 50% is your whack. - If your finances were sound pre-divorce, they still will be post divorce. - If your finances were ratshit pre divorce, they still will be post divorce. - Getting divorced does not magically make new divisible assets appear, nor (usually) does it make existing divisible assets disappear (though Brother greatcoastal may want to argue this point !!) - Divorce marks the division of the assets....and after that, you (and your ex spouse) paddle your own canoes. You, and your spouse jointly created your present financial situation, be it good or ratshit. Post divorce, you, and you alone assume full responsibility for your financial situation. Really, if you get 50% of the divisible assets, it cost you *nothing* over and above your right whack, to get divorced. You were only ever entitled to 50% of the divisible assets. And when you divorce, that's what you get.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 8, 2018 19:30:37 GMT -5
We had no assets, no kids and no money. He might have had some socked away in a 401k, and his parents were millionaires, but I didn't ask him for even a penny. I let him take whatever he wanted from the apt. All I wanted was my freedom and the possibility of happiness---and I got far more than I ever could have imagined.
Nothing is worth more than that, in my book.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 8, 2018 19:59:52 GMT -5
I could say a lot about money, (but I have pages of posts on that) so I digress. I'd rather take a different angle, and that is "putting a price on how much a year of my life is worth to me". I'm 54 now, I'm not getting any younger, in a few months I'll be able to get a senior discount (how depressing) I want to enter the dating arena. I'd like to think I am fortunate to have a younger look for a 54 yr old, so many thoughts enter my mind about other woman who are 54. What will they look like, what will they be like, what will they think of me? How many will still be raising children? How many are retired? How many won't look a day over 40 and think and act like they are still 40? What would a 45 yr old woman or a 65 yr old woman think of me?
The point is every year that you postpone divorce you are a year older, so is the dating pool you will be heading into. A divorce could take a few months, it could take years. (mine has taken 3 yrs. From the day it entered my mind until today, and parts of it are still falling into place).
Will my libido slow down? My hair line keeps receding, my weight doesn't come off as easy, My teeth, hearing, and vision all need more work, I don't sleep through the night anymore etc... Will there come a point where sex/intimacy/ a relationship/friendship get put way on the back burner due to all the emotional, physical, and financial healing that needs to take place?
The clock keeps ticking ,year after year, and with that comes a price....get those missed years back while there is still time, how do you put a price on that?
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