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Post by richards on Jun 8, 2018 7:17:15 GMT -5
Hi - I wanted to get folks’ reaction to what for me has worked reasonably well as an interim solution while I work out a long-term resolution/exit strategy:
Online dating! Not just to find a sex partner (although I am not above that), but to relieve the feeling of rejection of a SM and low(ered) self-esteem that follow from it.
I had forgotten that I could be charming, clever, gallant, coy, caring, responsive, joyful, etc., instead of simply getting through each day/week/month/year with grim determination. It is nice to meet, email, chat with someone who likes you for who you are and who is more than a friend at work or social acquaintance. I am pretty upfront about my situation, without going into detail, and have been pleasantly surprised at how many people (women, in my case) respond positively, even if just to meet now and then for coffee or a drink after work.
Call it emotional out-sourcing; it takes a lot of the edge off at home. YMMV, of course.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 8, 2018 7:23:08 GMT -5
I did online dating and I remember the messages people wrote helped my self esteem - even from people I never met. I remember one man who lived in another state wrote to tell me that he thought I was beautiful, I thanked him for the kind words and that was the end.
I agree it helps!
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Post by baza on Jun 8, 2018 7:45:46 GMT -5
I think that you might as well practice these skills of being "charming, clever, gallant, coy, caring, responsive, joyful, etc".
Whereas these things are not going to be useful in your ILIASM deal, you won't - necessarily - always be in your ILIASM deal.
Once you are out of your ILIASM deal, these attributes could take you a long way, so they are worth practising in the here and now.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2018 8:04:41 GMT -5
Nothing wrong with the idea, although the downsides of being caught are nearly identical to the downsides of being caught in an affair.
There is definitely an ego boost to remember that you have what to offer to members of the opposite sex.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 8, 2018 9:09:27 GMT -5
Nothing wrong with the idea, although the downsides of being caught are nearly identical to the downsides of being caught in an affair. There is definitely an ego boost to remember that you have what to offer to members of the opposite sex. I guess it depends on what you get "caught" doing. There is nothing wrong with being charming, witty, joyous, etc... Where you could get into more trouble is when racy texts start and the dick pics start flying. In some ways that can be worse than an affair in terms of fallout. An affair can pass in time. Thanks to our digital age, a dick pic is forever...
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 8, 2018 9:45:09 GMT -5
When I was married and I outsourced after twenty plus years of being faithful in a SM, I got to a point where I did not care if I got caught. Yes I was married but only legally, not emotionally or physically. I had called time of death on the marriage which allowed me to be morally ok with outsourcing. The H had no interest in my sexuality so my sexuality was none of his business. If was prepared with an answer if I did get caught : "well what do you expect, if you don't want to fuck me then I will easily find someone who does".
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2018 9:48:04 GMT -5
bballgirl, in some states infidelity can still affect the amount paid in alimony. Including mine.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 8, 2018 10:01:24 GMT -5
bballgirl, in some states infidelity can still affect the amount paid in alimony. Including mine. I completely understand that, if I was in your state I may not have outsourced. For my state it's of zero consequence and I knew that as well as a woman I felt like he does not want people to know that he doesn't have sex anymore or that really our marriage was a sexual farce. So I always felt like I had the better hand. Another thing for people to realize is that if you travel to other states to outsource you are subject to the laws of that state. For example in Mississippi- if I had an affair with a married man in Mississippi, his wife could sue me for breaking up their marriage, needless to say I'm not going to Mississippi to get some ever!! Lol As well most know the situation I'm in now and it is outsourcing but I'm very smart about it for my sake, my exH, the children because I want my family together. So the last time my lover and I were together we planned it, met in a hotel room, and my spouse was in an airplane on a business trip thousands of miles above ground and I was back home with the kids before his plane landed. I'm careful and not greedy about my outsourcing. I enjoy it thoroughly but I'm not starving for sex anymore so this works for me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2018 10:10:25 GMT -5
bballgirlIt might be worth it to start a thread on how not to get caught....I once gave a list of things to do just to communicate with emotional APs safely; actual meetings are even trickier.
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Post by flounder on Jun 8, 2018 16:05:53 GMT -5
bballgirlIt might be worth it to start a thread on how not to get caught....I once gave a list of things to do just to communicate with emotional APs safely; actual meetings are even trickier. That would make for some interesting conversation.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 12, 2018 21:22:52 GMT -5
bballgirl , in some states infidelity can still affect the amount paid in alimony. Including mine. I completely understand that, if I was in your state I may not have outsourced. For my state it's of zero consequence and I knew that as well as a woman I felt like he does not want people to know that he doesn't have sex anymore or that really our marriage was a sexual farce. So I always felt like I had the better hand. Another thing for people to realize is that if you travel to other states to outsource you are subject to the laws of that state. For example in Mississippi- if I had an affair with a married man in Mississippi, his wife could sue me for breaking up their marriage, needless to say I'm not going to Mississippi to get some ever!! Lol As well most know the situation I'm in now and it is outsourcing but I'm very smart about it for my sake, my exH, the children because I want my family together. So the last time my lover and I were together we planned it, met in a hotel room, and my spouse was in an airplane on a business trip thousands of miles above ground and I was back home with the kids before his plane landed. I'm careful and not greedy about my outsourcing. I enjoy it thoroughly but I'm not starving for sex anymore so this works for me. Oh yes the Good Ol alienation of affection charge. Arkansas used to have that as an addendum to divorce negotions, too. Takes one back to the days of Scarlett O'Hara doesn't it? From my current perspective, I think perhaps refusal to meet the reasonable sexual needs of one's marital partner might should be taken into consideration in divorce negotiations, too. That tends to alienate spousal commitment to marriage.
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