After looking for a positive experience on here, I put out my situation and why I do have hope.
Please excuse my English, as it's not my native language
THE RELATIONSHIP
Our relationship its pretty healthy, the first thing you think is: Well, if the sexual and physical connection is lost, there must be something else non-sex related that has to be failing, something is really broken and not being spoken out.
So I have to say again, my relationship its pretty healthy and stable.
Im a 31 years old graphic designer, he’s a 34 years old engineer, we both work, have two kittens and been sharing a place together for 2 and a half years now.
I wont tell you how it began as we all know how it starts, dates, long calls or talks ‘till 2 a.m. details, romance, happines, etc… The thing is, it hasn’t changed much by now, we are still very open to each other and speak often about how we feel, we take care of each other, we share time together doing different things and plans together, we have fun and are funny, we treat each other with such respect and love, we trus each other, we kiss and hug all the time, we cuddle every night and also shower together very often, we reaaaaaally like our time together and also give each other the space to do the things we like apart, he's an engineer whos likes geeky stuff and videogames which is fine, I like to go out and have some drinks with friends, he's fine with it too.
So I don't feel there's a lack of affection or interest in our relationship. He's a really good man, genuinely in every aspect of his existence. He's deff the kind of man I want to share my life with.
OF COURSE, THE PROBLEM
So it was all fine, actually very good. During the 4 or 5 first months sex was amazing, like... everywhere, anyway haha it was pretty fun.
Then it started: When I tried to initiate it at night, I started to get rejected once and then again and again. It was pretty mmm new to me as it never happened to me before, I mean, Im not smocking hot but I never had any problems getting sexual attention from my past bfs.
Anyway, at the beginning I tried to be understanding, but then started to get angry, and then sad, sad and worried, of course my self-steem started to go down and down. Im very emotional and open so -The talk- came soon on the table,
During these discussions he repeated and repeated that its not me, that he likes me and he finds me beautiful, but his sex drive is generally low. “that’s the way I am” “I don’t want to be forced things I don’t want to do” “I want us to do it when we both really want it” “I’m not like that” etc…
By the way, when we argue, there’s never yelling or name calling, not disrespect or anything like that. My friend says it’s weird that people dont explode, I think if you put things out often enough, there’s nothing to explode about so you can have more “mature” arguments.
THE THERAPY
Maybe a year past, I really cant remember and we agreed to seek for external help.
We went to the first one -Sexologist-: She ordered medical examns to see if physically all things were right, after his good condition was confirmed she gave him some pills to increase his libido and help him to relax and blah, he didn't take them.
We went to the second one -Psichologist-: We didnt like her, she just sat there and said: "you must have sex, you are a couple, you need to think how to do it, and do it". Yeah well, if it was that easy, we wouldnt be there. We didn't come back.
The thirth one was this lady who's not a traditional psichologist, she works with some stuff called constellations and energies and sh*t: We had a few sessions with her, we actually tried a couple of things, sexy lengiere and blah blah. But he didnt seem to be totally comfortable with it.
The last 4 sessions maybe, he had to go alone as she was working on his "problem". The last time he went there, he said to me she tried to tell him that maybe he doesnt feel emotionally involved with me as deep as he thinks, or something like that, he said it pissed him off and didnt want to come back.
It was maybe 6 months ago.
THE AFFAIR?...
So yeah, after sometime of no getting sexual atenttion, someone else had to get in the map. We’ve been friends for a few years now. Even before I met my BF, and before he got married. We’ve never flirted or anything, we are just good friends. But one day, the topic came out and we started talking about it, he told me about how he also felt sexually frustated in his marriage etc., soon we realised that we both do connect alot in that sense, and not just that, as we’ve been friends for so long, we connect very well in many other aspects. So the sex chats started, nothing physical as he works overseas and comes back home every couple of months.
One of those days when he was here, we met for a beer, but ended up kissing and touching. During a different night, we kissed again but didn’t touch. I felt guilty and disgusted on myself, I was being a cheater, my bf didn’t deserve this, he’s the best man on earth, I should try harder.
So I concentrated in our therapy or to try and initiate sexual encounters with my bf. My friend was very understanding so we went back to our friendly talks.
OUR LAST FIGHT
Time passed, and we barely had sexual encounters, mostly because he was pretty stressed out finishing his thesis, so I didn't want to bother him with more "problems"
After he finished, one day, a saturday I think he looked for me and initiated sex, it was nice, not super good, but nice haha. He said "we're gonna work on this, we will get better" So I was happy. That night we got pretty drunk at a friends house, and well I get pretty horny when I drink haha.
So I initiate things and it got a bit crazy, but I made him do things that he doesnt like, things got very uncomfortable and we just fell asleep. The next day was pretty rough as he got angry/sad and said that he felt like I took advantage of him and made him do things he doesnt like, so I felt pretty bad for what happened, I felt really guilty, it was a couple of awkward days.
One night I came back from work after talking to one of my best friends, I was encouraged to tell him that it wasn’t my fault, and that things like that happen because we got unresolved issues, and that if we dont fix it, it will happen again until we really hurt each other. It was a long and hurtfull discussion until we decided to break-up.
Him saying that maybe he cant fullfill my needs and Im looking for something that he’s not. Me saying that if there’s no way out maybe that was the best decisión. It was heartbreaking, we were both crying our eyes out, and holding each other. He asked me to stay that night and cuddle, he said “don’t leave this place, stay in a different room, but lets get out of each other lives”. As you all guess, I agreed and as we couldn’t actually break-up we continued as if nothing happened, after a couple of days we spoke and agreed on how unfair would it be not to try one more time.
It was maybe 3 weeks ago
WHERE ARE WE NOW
The day we decided to give our relationship one more chance, I said to him “Lets put the sex bit apart during a couple of weeks, because its going to be weird for me too” “Lets look for help”. He said that we deserve to try once more and that we will fix it and will be happy. So we are currently looking for a profesional that can help us. Someone we feel is really helping us, but now we struggle to trust a good couples psichologist.
In the mean time, we have our usual relationship, we all the the things I told you about before, with all the love, the fun, the caring, etc…, So you guys can have an idea on why I really don’t want things to fall apart, and Im looking desperately for a solution.
But then, last week I had one of this sexy chats with my friend as I’ve been feeling… well, very horny and sexually frustrated. I fantasise lots about have sex with my friend, all the things we’d do, where, how, for how long and Im pretty sure he’d be up for it if I give him the chance.
This doesn’t mean I love my bf any less, I love him I care for him, I want to be with him like all the time. But you know… I like sex haha.
Thanks for reading me, it would help alot if you have any feedback to send.