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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 9:39:08 GMT -5
For all of us mismatched did your SO's love languages change? Can you look back now and see that you were always mismatched on them? Although I was Bait N Switched at the alter, I can look back now, and as best I can recollect things now 35 years ago, there were certain red flags that I have only recently learned to recognize. As best I can summarize things, she literally fucked me just enough to get me to the alter, all along the way. But that is far easier to recognize in hindsight than in real time. Should I have broken up because "sex naturally slows down a bit as the relationship progresses? Being it was my first live in LTR I had no baseline reference. Maybe I still don't. There were other things, such as her disinterest in post sex cuddling. That bothered me, but not enough to kick her out of my place (we were living together when that started I think). Now my red flag antennae are so sensitized I may never end up in another LTR.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 9:43:58 GMT -5
“But that is not necessarily true. Someone could view the Touch love language as totally non-sexual. They may perceive it as holding hands, cuddling, and the like- but never sex.” True. This is what the Love Languages author says in the book. northstarmom , this is probably true, and I also get the similar point by beachguy My idea was more that if I naturally do Touch because that’s how I express myself... if that happens to be a primary language for her, then my giving of Touch is meaningful to her as the recipient. It’s a natural fit; it all works effortlessly. However, if I got a positive reaction when I did X, that alone would inspire me to do X for her, even if it wasn’t something that naturally occurred to me. So, I see that the “be multilingual” suggestions can work if the motivations are sincere. Personally, I’ve lived in a broken dynamic where the motivations are mechanical, so I see “translation” as a forced behavior. I might do X because it’s meaningful to her, and she might similarly do Y for me. But when the heart isn’t in the giving, the actions ring hollow and don’t really carry any value. I don’t want reciprocity or obligation to be the motivation for giving what I need. Although motivations are independent of Love Languages, it seems a very easy trap to fall into when your partner speaks a different language and translation has to be deliberate. It also seems much easier to fall into neglect. Bottom line... I’m not saying translation can’t work, but things can be so much more natural if you have the same languages to start with. Is it possible that your feelings on this are adversely affected by your many years in an SM, where your wife has refused to return your love language (and sex), and your marriage is well into it's toxic death spiral? Just asking, not suggesting anything.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 13, 2018 9:52:26 GMT -5
I agree with the poster who suggested that touch is different from other languages. It doesn’t matter if a spouse is enjoying doing an act of service like mowing the lawn. The thought counts. But touch is different.a spouse’s out of love forcing themselves to endure touch probably would not cause their spouse to feel loved.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 13, 2018 11:40:23 GMT -5
I'm not sure my W would score touch low. She's fine with touch: hand holding, cuddling, etc. As much as I want. It's when it turns sexual that the brakes go on.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 13, 2018 16:04:00 GMT -5
elkclan2 - I suspect that most people here highly value sex as a bonding agent, which is why most people don't consider affairs a suitable replacement for sex in the marital bed. (they may have an affair but do it knowing it is a compromise for what they want) So most people here would treat sex as synonymous with touch. But not necessarily always true. Interesting. It is definitely a bonding experience for me, I would describe sex for me as the closest thing I get to religion. It’s very hard to just transfer that to an affair. Is that because you scream "Oh God!" when you have an orgasm?
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Post by JMX on Jul 13, 2018 16:25:48 GMT -5
Interesting. It is definitely a bonding experience for me, I would describe sex for me as the closest thing I get to religion. It’s very hard to just transfer that to an affair. Is that because you scream "Oh God!" when you have an orgasm? Maybe However, it’s more about an experience I cannot explain.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 13, 2018 19:47:09 GMT -5
As far as I'm concerned, only Touch and Quality Time are anything I care about. My spouse probably doesn't even know what she wants, so anything would be just a guess on my part.
Gun to my head, she'd probably be all about the Acts of Service, given a conversation we had during a marriage counseling session months ago. It came out that she considers me "lazy" because I pay to have things like the yard and household maintenance done instead of doing them myself. Something that has really stuck in her craw for years is that when she asked for help regarding domestic chores, I hired a housekeeping service to come in two or three times a week. Apparently this was some kind of mortal insult in that I brought in someone else, which made her feel inadequate or something. I guess I was supposed to want to help her and do it myself, not hire it out. There's probably some kind of parallel with sex and adultery in there, but down that black hole of stupidity lies madness.
The crazy thing is that "lazy" is probably one of the last words anyone who knows me would use to describe me.
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Post by ihadalove on Jul 13, 2018 19:54:23 GMT -5
Interesting. It is definitely a bonding experience for me, I would describe sex for me as the closest thing I get to religion. That's a perfect way to describe sex, agreed!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 13, 2018 20:06:48 GMT -5
Apparently this was some kind of mortal insult in that I brought in someone else, which made her feel inadequate or something. I guess I was supposed to want to help her and do it myself, not hire it out. The crazy thing is that "lazy" is probably one of the last words anyone who knows me would use to describe me. One of my biggest problems with my ex W was our ideas of "getting things done". I've always desired my w's company, side by side, equal partners in chores, like home cleaning, yard work, repairs, etc... The other day my daughter and I cleaned the floors together. I asked her to sweep and I was right behind her with the mop. WE worked together in the same rooms. My ex however likes to dictate. To stand on the side and direct, to oversee everyone while she is in charge. Lots of verbal leading and zero actions. Another example in our differences.
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Post by h on Jul 13, 2018 20:23:27 GMT -5
As far as I'm concerned, only Touch and Quality Time are anything I care about. My spouse probably doesn't even know what she wants, so anything would be just a guess on my part. Gun to my head, she'd probably be all about the Acts of Service, given a conversation we had during a marriage counseling session months ago. It came out that she considers me "lazy" because I pay to have things like the yard and household maintenance done instead of doing them myself. Something that has really stuck in her craw for years is that when she asked for help regarding domestic chores, I hired a housekeeping service to come in two or three times a week. Apparently this was some kind of mortal insult in that I brought in someone else, which made her feel inadequate or something. I guess I was supposed to want to help her and do it myself, not hire it out. There's probably some kind of parallel with sex and adultery in there, but down that black hole of stupidity lies madness. The crazy thing is that "lazy" is probably one of the last words anyone who knows me would use to describe me. One time, years ago, my W told her parents that I was lazy because I didn't mow the lawn and there were dirty dishes in the sink. She showed me the text conversation. I was exhausted from a long week at 2 jobs. I responded by stopping all the other things I had been doing: laundry, cooking, house repairs... I told her that if she was going to tell her parents that I was lazy, then I was going to act the part. I haven't been called lazy since.
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johannesfactotum
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 13, 2018 20:39:26 GMT -5
As far as I'm concerned, only Touch and Quality Time are anything I care about. My spouse probably doesn't even know what she wants, so anything would be just a guess on my part. Gun to my head, she'd probably be all about the Acts of Service, given a conversation we had during a marriage counseling session months ago. It came out that she considers me "lazy" because I pay to have things like the yard and household maintenance done instead of doing them myself. Something that has really stuck in her craw for years is that when she asked for help regarding domestic chores, I hired a housekeeping service to come in two or three times a week. Apparently this was some kind of mortal insult in that I brought in someone else, which made her feel inadequate or something. I guess I was supposed to want to help her and do it myself, not hire it out. There's probably some kind of parallel with sex and adultery in there, but down that black hole of stupidity lies madness. The crazy thing is that "lazy" is probably one of the last words anyone who knows me would use to describe me. Ugh that's so stupid. It makes so much sense to outsource stupid tasks you don't want to do and spend your time on things that are more fun or more productive. That's my way of thinking. I'm a surgeon, I have plenty of money. What I don't have, is time. Every moment I have to spend with my children (and formerly my spouse) is precious to me, and I won't waste a second of it on tasks that others can do. If I die in an accident tomorrow, my children won't remember that I left them with college funds and full bank accounts, they'll remember the times I spent reading with them and playing with them. I get up at 4 every morning to exercise and take care of business before my children wake up at 6 so I can spend as much time as I can with them before I go to work. I walk them to their bus stop on school days. I talk with them when I get home from the hospital and I read to them and tuck them into bed. Fuck mowing the lawn or cleaning the gutters or weeding the garden!
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Post by beachguy on Jul 13, 2018 21:14:10 GMT -5
As far as I'm concerned, only Touch and Quality Time are anything I care about. My spouse probably doesn't even know what she wants, so anything would be just a guess on my part. Gun to my head, she'd probably be all about the Acts of Service, given a conversation we had during a marriage counseling session months ago. It came out that she considers me "lazy" because I pay to have things like the yard and household maintenance done instead of doing them myself. Something that has really stuck in her craw for years is that when she asked for help regarding domestic chores, I hired a housekeeping service to come in two or three times a week. Apparently this was some kind of mortal insult in that I brought in someone else, which made her feel inadequate or something. I guess I was supposed to want to help her and do it myself, not hire it out. There's probably some kind of parallel with sex and adultery in there, but down that black hole of stupidity lies madness. The crazy thing is that "lazy" is probably one of the last words anyone who knows me would use to describe me. The unwritten 6th love language. Acts of Servitude. For fucks sake. You’re a surgeon not a grocery store clerk.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 13, 2018 21:23:15 GMT -5
I'm a surgeon, I have plenty of money. What I don't have, is time. Every moment I have to spend with my children (and formerly my spouse) is precious to me, and I won't waste a second of it on tasks that others can do. Exactly! I get that she doesn’t see you doing the task. She’s missing out on the point that your efforts got the job done. An hour of your skill pays for a month of lawn service - how is that not a smart move? Your time is the most precious thing you have to spend in life - you have to spend it on the most important things. Any time you can afford to “buy more” by hiring out a task, the better. I get the perception of helping out around the house and being engaged in the household. But when your income pays for a cleaning service, dry cleaners, and frequent dining out, is it wrong that you’re not also pushing a vacuum, doing loads of laundry, and cooking meals? Should you also be doing your own home repairs and auto maintenance? (If that’s where your passion is, then yes, but certainly not for the economics if you don’t need to.) I struggle with this myself. Is it semantics, or a legitimate argument?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 13, 2018 21:27:57 GMT -5
" get the perception of helping out around the house and being engaged in the household. But when your income pays for a cleaning service, dry cleaners, and frequent dining out, is it wrong that you’re not also pushing a vacuum, doing loads of laundry, and cooking meals? Should you also be doing your own home repairs and auto maintenance? (If that’s where your passion is, then yes, but certainly not for the economics if you don’t need to.)
I struggle with this myself. Is it semantics, or a legitimate argument?"
I've always been with men who weren't handy but were willing to pay to get things done around the house. That's the way I like it. I want my free time to be spent enjoying my partner, not watching him work around the house.
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johannesfactotum
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 13, 2018 21:39:16 GMT -5
" get the perception of helping out around the house and being engaged in the household. But when your income pays for a cleaning service, dry cleaners, and frequent dining out, is it wrong that you’re not also pushing a vacuum, doing loads of laundry, and cooking meals? Should you also be doing your own home repairs and auto maintenance? (If that’s where your passion is, then yes, but certainly not for the economics if you don’t need to.) I struggle with this myself. Is it semantics, or a legitimate argument?" I've always been with men who weren't handy but were willing to pay to get things done around the house. That's the way I like it. I want my free time to be spent enjoying my partner, not watching him work around the house. That's the thing, right? I just can't wrap my head around her way of thinking. That's why I have to assume that the only "love language" that speaks to her is Acts of Service. I used to do these things so I could spend Quality Time with her and now do it for my kids. I guess the housekeeping thing could be considered a Gift. But apparently none of those things mean love to her. As far as I can tell, Touch and Words of Affirmation mean nothing to her either. So the one sort of display of love she wants is basically the one kind that I am temperamentally not inclined to show. Oh well, live and learn. Her next victim can deal with it. I'm done with her and her bullshit.
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