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Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 10:51:28 GMT -5
“We typically default to showing love in our own preferred language. The idea is to discover each other’s preferred languages and then use that information to better communicate love. It’s not necessarily about being matched or mismatched, but about learning how to express love in a way that your partner registers as “love”.‘
The book didn’t help with my marriage and it doesn’t help most here with their marriages. That’s because our refusers weren’t interested in making us feel loved. It’s not that they don’t know what our love language is. It’s thatvthey don’t give a damn about our love language., They choose not to express love the way you experience love. That’s what the refused here need to recognize. Your refusers don’t care about your unhappiness in the marriage. They do not and can not love you the way you want to be loved. They know what you want but they refuse to do it. Once you allow yourself to recognize that truth you can let go of a spouse who will never treat you the way you want.
Think about it: if your refuser’s top love language is gifts and the language that is meaningless to them is touch would you be willing to give them what they want when it would mean you’d never even get to cuddle?
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 12, 2018 11:02:47 GMT -5
“We typically default to showing love in our own preferred language. The idea is to discover each other’s preferred languages and then use that information to better communicate love. It’s not necessarily about being matched or mismatched, but about learning how to express love in a way that your partner registers as “love”.‘ The book didn’t help with my marriage and it doesn’t help most here with their marriages. That’s because our refusers weren’t interested in making us feel loved. It’s not that they don’t know what our love language is. It’s thatvthey don’t give a damn about our love language., They choose not to express love the way you experience love. That’s what the refused here need to recognize. Your refusers don’t care about your unhappiness in the marriage. They do not and can not love you the way you want to be loved. They know what you want but they refuse to do it. Once you allow yourself to recognize that truth you can let go of a spouse who will never treat you the way you want. Think about it: if your refuser’s top love language is gifts and the language that is meaningless to them is touch would you be willing to give them what they want when it would mean you’d never even get to cuddle? Exactly. It’s a tool available for use. Whether or not you (or your refuser spouse) choose to use it is another thing entirely.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 12, 2018 12:23:57 GMT -5
One of the criticism's of Maslow's model is that sex is supposedly not a basic need I'm confused. It is listed at the bottom of the pyramid, the foundation, along with food clothing and shelter. That appears to make it a basic need. Which I believe it to be (for most people, not all). Don't get me wrong, it's a basic need for me just not for my wife.
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Post by ted on Jul 12, 2018 12:42:54 GMT -5
I took the test years ago in marriage counseling, and don't have the scores handy, but for me they ranked:
Touch Words of affirmation Quality time Gifts Acts of service
At the time, I was surprised how high "words" ranked, but as I've come to understand myself better, I'm not so surprised.
I don't recall her results, but I recall thinking they were complete and utter bullshit—no way they reflected the reality I had lived for so many years. Either I was a selfish dolt and completely unable to read her (unlikely, I think I have a pretty sensitive emotional radar), or she was seriously confused about who she was, what her emotions were, and what she wanted out of life (which would be consonant with everything else I know about her). If I had to guess her true ranking:
Words of affirmation Acts of service Quality time Gifts Touch
But who knows, nothing seemed to work.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 13:15:13 GMT -5
Ted, maybe nothing worked because she didn't love you as more than a roommate, wallet or coparent. It's not possible to love someone into loving you back the way you want.
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Post by h on Jul 12, 2018 13:48:48 GMT -5
It has been a long time since I’ve taken the quiz, but I recall that touch and quality time are my top two. I have asked my husband to read the book and take the quiz several times and he hasn’t. (I will ask again.) I suspect that his number one is words of affirmation and touch ranks somewhere in the middle. There are a couple of important points from the book that I haven’t seen mentioned in this thread. We typically default to showing love in our own preferred language. The idea is to discover each other’s preferred languages and then use that information to better communicate love. It’s not necessarily about being matched or mismatched, but about learning how to express love in a way that your partner registers as “love”. Many or most of us here have figured out what our spouses love languages are and have consistently tried to express love to them in their language. The issue is that our spouses neglect or refuse to do the same thing for us.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 12, 2018 17:46:36 GMT -5
I just went back through my email as H and I took the quiz last year at the recommendation of our counselor. How telling is this -- I saved the email that has his scores and rankings but deleted my own. I cared enough to save his in a folder, and mine is nowhere to be found.
If I recall...
Words of Affirmation Touch Acts of Service Quality Time Gifts
I also think that when I originally took the quiz when the book first came out (15 years ago or so?), that my languages had drastically changed since then. Was it a result of new priorities and growth as a person, or what I wasn't receiving in the marriage moved up the list? hm...Anyone else had a change in results?
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Post by shamwow on Jul 12, 2018 17:48:13 GMT -5
Here is something interesting. I took this last year and again today. I got very different results: 6/8/2017 11 Words of Affirmation 10 Physical Touch 5 Quality Time 4 Acts of Service 0 Receiving Gifts 6/1/2018 9 Physical Touch 9 Quality Time 8 Words of Affirmation 4 Acts of Service 0 Receiving Gifts What I find intersting is when I was in my SM - I was practically screaming out loud for someone to say something, anything, that didn't make me feel stupid, unattractive, and repulsive. - I craved physical touch since it had been absent for about two decades. - I sure as fuck didn't want quality time with the person responsible for making me feel like shit and treating touch like it was radioactive. Fast forward a year...I've been with ballofconfusion for almost all of that year. Now my love languages are pretty much in a three way tie. - I still crave physical touch. Much of that is probably my natural libido. Some of it surely comes from the fact we only see each other every two weeks. Although when together, those times are physically intense. - The fact quality time shot up so much really surprised me. But it really shouldn't. BOC isn't just my lover. She is my best friend. I spend more quality time with her 1300 miles away in a day than I did with my ex in a month. Technology allows us to text, call, video, and fly back and forth. I NEED time with BOC. I've never felt that need with anyone else before. - It shouldn't surprise me that my need for words of affirmation has decreased. The reason for this is simple. There is no more "why chasing" (it was my ex, not me - duh) and BOC makes an incredible effort to make me feel appreciated, competent, and needed. As for acts of service? I'm pretty independent and don't mind working hard. Having someone do things for me almost makes me feel uncomfortable. Gifts? Fuck gifts. You can't "buy" love, and I get suspicious about anyone who ranks high on that one. Just my opinion, of course. Quoting myself heartbrokengirl
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Post by ted on Jul 12, 2018 17:54:55 GMT -5
Ted, maybe nothing worked because she didn't love you as more than a roommate, wallet or coparent. It's not possible to love someone into loving you back the way you want. I think you're absolutely right. She seems to "love" me just the same now, four years separated, and all I am is a wallet and a co-parent. That's a big part of my confirmation, as we've been discussing elsewhere.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 12, 2018 18:03:48 GMT -5
Here is something interesting. I took this last year and again today. I got very different results: 6/8/2017 11 Words of Affirmation 10 Physical Touch 5 Quality Time 4 Acts of Service 0 Receiving Gifts 6/1/2018 9 Physical Touch 9 Quality Time 8 Words of Affirmation 4 Acts of Service 0 Receiving Gifts What I find intersting is when I was in my SM - I was practically screaming out loud for someone to say something, anything, that didn't make me feel stupid, unattractive, and repulsive. - I craved physical touch since it had been absent for about two decades. - I sure as fuck didn't want quality time with the person responsible for making me feel like shit and treating touch like it was radioactive. Fast forward a year...I've been with ballofconfusion for almost all of that year. Now my love languages are pretty much in a three way tie. - I still crave physical touch. Much of that is probably my natural libido. Some of it surely comes from the fact we only see each other every two weeks. Although when together, those times are physically intense. - The fact quality time shot up so much really surprised me. But it really shouldn't. BOC isn't just my lover. She is my best friend. I spend more quality time with her 1300 miles away in a day than I did with my ex in a month. Technology allows us to text, call, video, and fly back and forth. I NEED time with BOC. I've never felt that need with anyone else before. - It shouldn't surprise me that my need for words of affirmation has decreased. The reason for this is simple. There is no more "why chasing" (it was my ex, not me - duh) and BOC makes an incredible effort to make me feel appreciated, competent, and needed. As for acts of service? I'm pretty independent and don't mind working hard. Having someone do things for me almost makes me feel uncomfortable. Gifts? Fuck gifts. You can't "buy" love, and I get suspicious about anyone who ranks high on that one. Just my opinion, of course. Quoting myself heartbrokengirl Oh very interesting! We could theorize that the languages change depending on what needs are or aren't being met and how well.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2018 18:37:10 GMT -5
I vaguely remember (about 3 yrs ago) our church had several classes going on. One was for marriage another for raising teens (of course my then W. took the teen one). When the classes where over a couple got up in front of the church and gave a rosy testimony on how their marriage class helped them by discovering "love languages". His "touch". Hers "Acts of service". He spoke about how regularly he gave her "acts of service" then came the awkward, very little, confirmation about "touch".
(my mind thought about how many acts of service can be performed-for your spouse and the entire family- when the other partner is not even around, and how many are done daily, compared to "touch" during a week)
Everyone ,duly applauded, as people do when afraid to question anything.
I knew this man on a surface level and got to speak to him one on one afterwards. I told him a bit about my SM. Not surprisingly he wasn't in a big " oh no, my marriage isn't anything like that!" instead he seemed in agreement that his end of the deal isn't all that great.
I have a difficult time seeing how all 5 can be equal?
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Post by shamwow on Jul 12, 2018 19:00:36 GMT -5
I vaguely remember (about 3 yrs ago) our church had several classes going on. One was for marriage another for raising teens (of course my then W. took the teen one). When the classes where over a couple got up in front of the church and gave a rosy testimony on how their marriage class helped them by discovering "love languages". His "touch". Hers "Acts of service". He spoke about how regularly he gave her "acts of service" then came the awkward, very little, confirmation about "touch". (my mind thought about how many acts of service can be performed-for your spouse and the entire family- when the other partner is not even around, and how many are done daily, compared to "touch" during a week) Everyone ,duly applauded, as people do when afraid to question anything. I knew this man on a surface level and got to speak to him one on one afterwards. I told him a bit about my SM. Not surprisingly he wasn't in a big " oh no, my marriage isn't anything like that!" instead he seemed in agreement that his end of the deal isn't all that great. I have a difficult time seeing how all 5 can be equal? They are not "equal" and don't claim to be. All a love language is how you tend to best RECEIVE love. They are a tool couples can use to learn and understand what their partner needs to feel loved. If your partner best experiences love by receiving gifts? Well, if you love them, get your ass to the mall (even if you hate shopping). The problem with most refuses is that they know their partner NEEDS touch to feel loved. They simply don't give a shit.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 19:37:16 GMT -5
“Oh very interesting! We could theorize that the languages change depending on what needs are or aren't being met and how well.”
They also change depending on whom we want love from. My most desired love languages are touch and affirmations when it comes to my lover. What means love to me from my adult son who lives far away is time together.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2018 20:19:22 GMT -5
They are not "equal" and don't claim to be. All a love language is how you tend to best RECEIVE love. They are a tool couples can use to learn and understand what their partner needs to feel loved. Well that is what I mean, I don't see them as equal. Think of the love language "Touch". You can give a touch to a total stranger, you can have a NST or a fling with a prostitute and still give and receive touch. The amount and it's meaning is much smaller than the "love language "needed in a marriage when It comes to touch. The other 4, those can be expressed endlessly to friends, strangers, children, siblings, coworkers, neighbors, etc..... So in many ways they do not have as much meaning as the Love language of touch has between an intimate, loving sexual act. It takes vulnerability to a certain level. A level that some of our spouses could not handle.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 13, 2018 1:08:45 GMT -5
I see the Love Languages quiz as a tool; more like a compatibility gut-check, and not a guide to relating.
Let’s say I score highly for Touch and Words of Affirmation, but very low for Gifts and Acts of Service - and then, if my partner scores the opposite...
The popular interpretation says that she needs to learn to express Touch and I need to learn to express Acts of Service so we each feel loved. I think this approach misses the boat. It asks couples to be something they aren’t - to express themselves in a language they aren’t comfortable / eloquent / sincere in; a mechanical behavior to check the box when they’re actually not compatible.
Speaking for myself, knowing W is touching me “because I need it” is a far cry from “because she wants to”; it’s hollow, at best, with little emotional value. And the opposite is also true - if I’m giving in a way that’s not natural for me, it will be forced and easily neglected.
Instead, the Love Languages are probably more useful as a filter during dating, to discover whether a couple is compatible enough to naturally express and receive love once the hormones and excitement wear off and they stop over-reaching to please a new partner.
I’ve wondered if this alignment isn’t the real secret to amazing marriages... i.e., dumb luck. ;-)
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