|
Post by WindSister on May 24, 2018 6:41:06 GMT -5
This stuff is real... I never considered myself abused from my ex, yet he did say a lot of these things. My husband now never has, not even when I was jealous of exes, he understood me.... he validated my feelings instead of telling me to "get over it." I'm telling you, being with someone who says these things or does these things is no good. Get out. Hold out for someone better.
|
|
|
Post by michael on May 24, 2018 7:10:51 GMT -5
It’s too vague. I could think of lots of reasons to say any of these things.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on May 24, 2018 7:51:04 GMT -5
I could think of lots of reasons to say any of these things. If that’s the case then may I suggest a topic for your therapy (should you choose to continue) be: “How to become a better communicator”? There’s really no reason to phrase things in these ways if your goal is understanding, respect, and positive communication.
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on May 24, 2018 19:25:44 GMT -5
I heard many of these...Plus the subtle ways he would put me down; sometimes I caught them right away, other times they were so insidiously subtle I realized later why what he said didn't feel quite right.
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on May 25, 2018 5:11:52 GMT -5
This was the language of my childhood and more lately the language of my marriage. I sometimes find myself saying these things to other people. But less so these days. Thanks @windsister for sharing this - it's a handy template for identifying when I'm dismissive of other people even when I dont need to be. We learn language and means of speaking to others that we shouldn't, but we can unlearn them.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 25, 2018 5:34:35 GMT -5
My W has used the "facts" one on me a few times and until now I didn't realize why that was wrong, since much of the rest of my life (work and hobbies) relies on facts. Now I see it. Thanks for this list, WindSister.
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 25, 2018 5:48:33 GMT -5
There's a lot of ways someone can tell you - "You're a worthless sack of shit". That list shows but 10 of them.
In use, together with the appropriate body language of "the dismissive snort" - "the exaggerated eye roll" - "the deep sigh" - "the arm cross stance" - "the finger point" etc etc, then the message is very clear.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on May 25, 2018 10:09:47 GMT -5
My W has used the "facts" one on me a few times and until now I didn't realize why that was wrong, since much of the rest of my life (work and hobbies) relies on facts. Now I see it. Thanks for this list, WindSister . That one confused me a bit because "What's wrong with FACTS?" The problem comes when they are used to invalidate your feelings. I agree with Baza's body language list, too.
|
|
|
Post by tirefire on May 25, 2018 18:47:40 GMT -5
I'd like to contribute. Let me know if you disagree:
Telling you what you think or feel. And just repeating it even if you say you don't feel that way. Then get angry and belittle you for those feelings you don't actually have.
Interrupting your attempts at expressing an idea. Not the usual back and forth of a discussion but just bulldozing over your speech.
Ignoring what you say and just continuing as if you said the opposite. Even if you've just said it multiple times in the last few minutes.
Attacking you when you make a point with something like "You think you are so perfect but you're actually controlling" or something like that. Completely throws your point away.
I hope these didn't sound too specific. They are just hypothetical. 😁😁 I know if they happened to me I'd feel like my ideas are worthless to this person.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on May 25, 2018 23:43:11 GMT -5
I'd like to contribute. Let me know if you disagree: Telling you what you think or feel. And just repeating it even if you say you don't feel that way. Then get angry and belittle you for those feelings you don't actually have. Interrupting your attempts at expressing an idea. Not the usual back and forth of a discussion but just bulldozing over your speech. Ignoring what you say and just continuing as if you said the opposite. Even if you've just said it multiple times in the last few minutes. Attacking you when you make a point with something like "You think you are so perfect but you're actually controlling" or something like that. Completely throws your point away. I hope these didn't sound too specific. They are just hypothetical. 😁😁 I know if they happened to me I'd feel like my ideas are worthless to this person. How about telling you what you meant. And when you say, ‘no, that wasn’t what I said,’ they insist on their incorrect interpretation of your words. Or telling you constantly, “Don’t be so difficult,” when you’re reacting to their insensitive or selfish behavior. Or they say something sharp and cutting. If you call them on their hurtful words, It was just a joke, don’t be so sensitive. Not that I have any experience with being devalued in a relationship 🙄. I think the biggest trouble lies with being devalued long term. I think I only see the most egregious violations. It becomes so commonplace, so routine that the smaller barbs don’t register a reaction, like death by a thousand paper cuts but instead by backhanded compliments and negations of yourself.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on May 26, 2018 13:09:18 GMT -5
This stuff is real... I never considered myself abused from my ex, yet he did say a lot of these things. My husband now never has, not even when I was jealous of exes, he understood me.... he validated my feelings instead of telling me to "get over it." I'm telling you, being with someone who says these things or does these things is no good. Get out. Hold out for someone better. It does seem to me like these are more man to woman centric. I received plenty of emotional abuse during my marriage but very few of these phrases were used.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on May 27, 2018 7:45:57 GMT -5
This stuff is real... I never considered myself abused from my ex, yet he did say a lot of these things. My husband now never has, not even when I was jealous of exes, he understood me.... he validated my feelings instead of telling me to "get over it." I'm telling you, being with someone who says these things or does these things is no good. Get out. Hold out for someone better. It does seem to me like these are more man to woman centric. I received plenty of emotional abuse during my marriage but very few of these phrases were used. Curious as to how your experience was different. Can you elaborate?
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on May 27, 2018 9:06:23 GMT -5
My experience was primarily invalidation through gaslighting.
"Don't you remember X? How. Could you forget that? Well you agreed to it before so that's what we are going to do."
(no conversation on x ever happened).
Another good one was appeals to authority. "our 16 year old is too young to do chore Y (i.e. Dishes or laundry). But don't worry I'm mom and know best and I'll teach them when the time is right.
Encouraging the kids to gang up on me when I make a minor mistake or am wrong on something. This one works great in public places where arguing back can make you seem like the aggressor.
And let's avoid the topic of sex entirely. Making up a medical condition to avoid sex for a couple decades except to make babies? Yeah, that's emotionally abusive.
Somehow I was too stupid to do everything yet was able to hold a job and supply all of the things that she "needed". Strange...
Guys do the emotional abuse thing by "beating down" the woman. Women do the emotional abuse thing by emasculating the man. You abuse someone by hitting them where it hurts.
Now, just like not all men emotionally abuse women, not all women emotionally abuse men (shrinkformen.com aside).
They just seem to have gender specific tricks to do so. It seems that if you're going to to fight you use the weapons nature equipped you with.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 27, 2018 9:54:20 GMT -5
This cartoon captures one way I have been emotionally abused in line with this thread - my being upset at anything is always perceived as an attack, and empathy doesn't exist.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on May 27, 2018 12:09:36 GMT -5
This cartoon captures one way I have been emotionally abused in line with this thread - my being upset at anything is always perceived as an attack, and empathy doesn't exist. Shynjdude & Shamwow - sorry. That sucks. My husband’s ex before me once told h, “and you couldn’t even fix the washing machine like a real man could have.” And that was their last argument and last break up. Irony of all ironies, I’ve fixed our washing machine. Twice! I don’t need him to do it. I just want him to want to take me on top of it, and then give me a kiss before I head out the door to meet with my PhD advisor. 🤣🤣🤣 Like that’s going to happen! But back on topic, the behavior of your ex-spouse, and current spouse reflects on them, not on you. Who treats the person that you’ve sworn to love and respect, the person you’ve sworn to cherish with such disdain? Somebody with a whole lot of underlying and deeply hidden fear of being inadequate is all I can come up with. It would put them constantly on the defensive. It my breaks my heart that someone could treat such good men with such callousness. In fact, it really pisses me off.
|
|