I used to do this a lot more. Especially when pushing a cart at a store. Not so much any more. I've found a better sense of independence and self respect after having the FOG lift.
Now when I go down the isle of a store I obey simple every day rules of the road. Anyone else who gets in my way ends up hitting my cart, or I do stop for them with a cold blank stare. I no longer apologize. They apologize to me, and I acknowledge it by staying silent and continuing on my way, after having to go around them.
It's my way of saying " yes it is your fault, you need to be on your side, you need to not stop in the middle, you need to look away from your phone and watch what your doing, you need to not be walking "in" the "exit' door."
I've learned to "stand my ground" a lot more than ever before.
I grew up in the South where politeness is highly valued and I've lived most of my adult life in a country (England) where 'sorry' is the number one social lubricant - even surpassing warm beer. You see everyone from tattooed ruggers to little old ladies saying sorry (and one day I will be both!) and those that don't get the side-eye and the under breath grumble . I d.g.a.f. if it's their fault or not - I'm saying sorry. I live in a crowded city and we need all the politeness we can get. Standing ground over minor bumps is a recipe for making everyone grumpy. Theres a big difference between apologising to inanimate objects and apologising to a person who is behind one.
Post by GeekGoddess on May 18, 2018 7:35:10 GMT -5
I found it helpful to change my habitual phrasing from “sorry” to “excuse me” - in many cases, I do anyway.
In one of my groups, I had heard that when we over-sorry all the time, we basically give our subconscious a message that we are a sorry person. This adds to self-pity & lowers self-esteem. So instead of “sorry for breathing, for taking up space” I learned to examine what I thought I was apologizing for.
Often, the right answer and appropriate utterance is really “excuse me for interrupting you” - and then it wasn’t too long before I learned to work on holding the thought and not interrupting. This way, I didn’t even need the excuse me either!
This wouldn’t have worked inside my SM. Those days, if I had waited for him to finish talking I never would’ve had a turn to say anything. That’s how/why my habit of interrupting became so bad. But once I learned to hang around people who know how to give & take turns in a conversation, I realized I was interrupting far too often.
If I pass someone taking up half the aisle, I still will often use “excuse me while I get past you” but I do not “feel sorry” for being there. Definitely not like I used to.
While I never had a “high abuse” SM, the subtle but chronic persistent-over-years nature of emotional abuse(s) still did a number on me. An SM gets you thinking all wrong. It was a difficult fact for me to accept I had become this cowering, apologizing doormat that was before me when I looked in a mirror. I am glad that I found the strength to rip the band aid off & take my chance at life.
I’m not getting sex this past while, despite having a male companion who calls me his girlfriend. But I’m still better off than I was inside the SM shithole. It ain’t all about sex. Getting out, for me, has been a lot about me & how I feel about myself. Self-esteem is still a work in progress, but it has grown a great bit after getting out (& especially after getting sober too, for me).
Post by greatcoastal on May 18, 2018 8:45:00 GMT -5
One of my favorite parts of this article was the question, " do you apologize for having reasonable expectations of others?"
I used to!! I know it goes back to my formidable teen years of being raised by a mother who was bi-polar. Forced into a relationship where "the other person is always right, arguing or defending yourself just makes it worse. You are better off to stand there, silent and take it. Do not argue with a controller, they reverse the entire conversations and then play victim and offender. All very unreasonable expectations cast on me but none of it applied to her.
I think of what I now witness in others behavior and how I handle it. When I am walking into the grocery store where the sliding entry doors are. The number of people who will stop to check their purse, or have a conversation with someone else. Is it unreasonable to expect them to think of all the people waiting behind them to get into the store? I don't think so. Is it unreasonable to ask them to move and not block the door? To go talk somewhere else?
My ex, years ago would ask me, "why do you stand there all angry and remain silent when that person is blocking the isle? You could have politely asked them to move, instead you bottle it up. ( passive aggressive) How much of that went back to my upbringing?
As an usher at our church I would witness week after week people who would block the narrow doorways to stand and converse. There are over 300 people trying to leave and hundreds more coming in. Chairs need moving, bulletins need placing,etc.. not the place to be blocking isles. It was my duty to ask them to move and make sure they did. Sometimes it took getting help from others. Many of these people where very aware of what they where doing and only think of themselves. They can take their anger and go somewhere else. the other 98% of the congregation does not do that. Kind of like putting up with a SM and how a spouse makes you apologize for your reasonable expectations.
It also reminds me of the stories you see when the police officer hands a ticket to the person who says" don't you know who I am?"
I now ask people to move,or I hold my ground and make them go around me when I am as far over , on the correct side of the isle as I can be.
I remember a quote from becca "I'm sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?"
Being respected and treated fairly is a reasonable expectation. Not something to apologize for. Just like leaving a SM.
solodriver: Happy Birthday shamwow!!
Oct 11, 2018 20:35:02 GMT -5
shynjdude: Andie seems to have deleted her account here. Hope she's OK.
Oct 12, 2018 9:41:52 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Oh, no! I hope she is okay...
Oct 12, 2018 15:31:30 GMT -5
solodriver: Maybe over what happened last weekend with the discussion board men vs. women
Oct 12, 2018 20:42:13 GMT -5
jetcity: Had to have my cat put down today. He was very old and he let us know it was time this morning. My wife went to visit her mother today So now It’s just me, the cats and dog and a couple cold beers. Now that’s a party right?
Oct 12, 2018 21:57:32 GMT -5
solodriver: So sorry jetcity, I've done that many times over the years, never gets any easier.
Oct 12, 2018 22:45:20 GMT -5
jetcity: I managed to create an avatar! The beard and mustache are kind of funky though.
Oct 12, 2018 23:30:07 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Welcome, dontstart! Feel free to post in the introduction thread; not many people see/use the shout box. Read and explore here, and hope you find us a helpful community.
Oct 14, 2018 10:41:21 GMT -5
caballotierra: Hey all, I setup a new account since my W figured out my login and was using my posts against me. Since we're going through divorce, I thought it would be safer to remove my old name. Although I feel attached to it.
Oct 15, 2018 16:12:30 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Oh, wow. Sorry that happened to you!
Oct 15, 2018 16:36:32 GMT -5
caballotierra: Does anyone know how to delete my old account? Right now, it's still searchable, which is a problem.
Oct 16, 2018 12:12:19 GMT -5