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Post by WindSister on May 17, 2018 10:24:38 GMT -5
Well, honesty is that maybe he IS capable of a healthy relationship, but just not with YOU. That sounds harsh, but please hear me, I am not saying that would be your fault. We all like to think our partners are SO FLAWED they can't possibly have a good life without us, but the truth is, sometimes it's just a poor "match up." It's a "toxic union." Together, the dynamics suck. Maybe he would have something healthier and happier with someone else. What would that mean to you? My ex is in a great relationship now and getting married this summer. His family adores her. Does that say anything bad about me? NOPE. Do I need him to have a "bad relationship"? Nope. I am actually happy for him. (genuinely) Yes, it's a process, you will muck your way through it. I know it's easy for many of us to say this or that and have advise for you, but you have to travel it in your own way. Yes, the only way through it is to go through it. As I type this I remember moments of feeling so sad and pissed at my ex for not loving me the way I deserved, the way he said, in the end, he should have. But, if anything, I offer you hope, then. It gets worlds better. It can, anyway. Keep working through it. Find that self-worth, self-love, and that warrior inner strength! Victims of life stay victims, but warriors create the life they dream of. One risk at a time. Keep your heart, mind, eyes open. (((good luck!!!)))
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Post by hopingforachange on May 17, 2018 10:41:55 GMT -5
Please still go get all of the back account information and statements going back for the past year. This is information you should have had access to all the time.
Do you have access to last year's taxes along with all of the supporting documents? In the USA that would give you at least a listing of the different banks where accounts are held, along with all of his sources of income.
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Post by elynne on May 17, 2018 10:59:03 GMT -5
Well, honesty is that maybe he IS capable of a healthy relationship, but just not with YOU. That sounds harsh, but please hear me, I am not saying that would be your fault. We all like to think our partners are SO FLAWED they can't possibly have a good life without us, but the truth is, sometimes it's just a poor "match up." It's a "toxic union." Together, the dynamics suck. Maybe he would have something healthier and happier with someone else. What would that mean to you? My ex is in a great relationship now and getting married this summer. His family adores her. Does that say anything bad about me? NOPE. Do I need him to have a "bad relationship"? Nope. I am actually happy for him. (genuinely) Yes, it's a process, you will muck your way through it. I know it's easy for many of us to say this or that and have advise for you, but you have to travel it in your own way. Yes, the only way through it is to go through it. As I type this I remember moments of feeling so sad and pissed at my ex for not loving me the way I deserved, the way he said, in the end, he should have. But, if anything, I offer you hope, then. It gets worlds better. It can, anyway. Keep working through it. Find that self-worth, self-love, and that warrior inner strength! Victims of life stay victims, but warriors create the life they dream of. One risk at a time. Keep your heart, mind, eyes open. (((good luck!!!))) 😘
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Post by nyartgal on May 17, 2018 11:47:08 GMT -5
Girl, he is a master puppet master and he's got ALL your strings. He's playing you nonstop, and you are happy to dance!
You say it feels right. Does it? Or does it feel comfortable, familiar? Is it cozier to slip back into the fantasy that your marriage will transform itself (it won't) or that your husband wants you (he doesn't even want to sleep next to you) or that he cares about your feelings (as he files for divorce and is probably plotting to hide his money)? Oh, it's so rough and scary out there...better to stay inside even if the fireplace is burning down the house and the hot cocoa is laced with cyanide.
As the daughter of a mom with a personality disorder, I get all too well how it feels SO GOOD to work for someone's love, and for that love to be constantly withheld to some degree. How exciting it is, how energizing. Oooh, a project! I CAN make him love me again! I just have to become a completely different person, sacrifice everything I want, and let his moods and ridiculous demands control me. Sign me up!
Yeah I did that too and honey, that is a failed project before you even get out the glue gun and the glitter. This is a madness we have to unlearn, not ignore. Even heartburn feels good if that's all you know. We were brought up to think these wildly dysfunctional relationships dynamics were normal---even desirable! And though my ex is nothing like my Mom on the surface, he played me in exactly the same way by using my learned behaviors about love against me.
You are better than this. He is not. Get your affairs in order because no matter what you do next, a divorce is coming. The train has left the station.
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Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2018 12:16:12 GMT -5
Elynne you wrote a couple of months ago. It’s a reminder of why it’s futile to try to please him or to hope he will become the kind of spouse you want. It’s also a reminder that he isn’t going to play nice in a divorce.
“H hid my bicycle key from me once because I had left it in the bike lock while the bike was in our driveway. He also won’t tell me where he keeps the charger for the dog’s lamp for letting her out at night.
It’s their childish way of infantilizing”
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2018 13:01:45 GMT -5
I pulled out some books of mine for you elynne@. One of them is from my "divorce recovery classes" ."Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends".
Here is the first building block. (this seems to fit you right now)
Denial: "I Can't Believe This is Happening to Me"
The good news is, we as humans have a wonderful mechanism that allows us to feel only as much pain as we can handle without becoming overwhelmed. Pain that is too great is put into our "denial bag" and held there until we are strong enough to experience and learn from it. The bad news is, some of us experience so much denial that we are reluctant to attempt recovery - to climb the mountain. There are many reasons for this. Some are unable to access and identify what they are feeling and will have difficulty adjusting to change of any sort. They must learn that"what we can feel we can heal". Others have such a low self concept that they don't believe they are capable of climbing the mountain. And some feel so much fear that they are afraid to climb the mountain.
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Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2018 13:55:20 GMT -5
“First available appt was for the 24th. I took it.”
Call again and book at least weekly appointmentS, twice a week if she has time. You are in crisis and need as much support and opportunity to get clarity as you can get. This is what I did while suffering thru my sm and while divorcing. It helps to have an unbiased person listening and remembering marital concerns one has discussed befire but later forgot.
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Post by elkclan2 on May 17, 2018 14:17:11 GMT -5
... Yeah I did that too and honey, that is a failed project before you even get out the glue gun and the glitter. This is a madness we have to unlearn, not ignore. Even heartburn feels good if that's all you know. We were brought up to think these wildly dysfunctional relationships dynamics were normal---even desirable! And though my ex is nothing like my Mom on the surface, he played me in exactly the same way by using my learned behaviors about love against me. You are better than this. He is not. Get your affairs in order because no matter what you do next, a divorce is coming. The train has left the station. This - this - this. This happened to me. I'm not sure he even MEANT to do this. He was a selfish, lazy, sexually dysfunctional asshole before I got with him, but through trial and error he learned how to use my sense of worthlessness against me. You have to deliberately unlearn this shit.
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Post by elkclan2 on May 17, 2018 14:25:00 GMT -5
If this goes spectacularly guts up in an acrimonious explosion of legalities, missing funds, surprise pregnancies, surprise girl friends, high drama and ill will all around Sister elynne , you will survive it. In a worst case scenario, you will survive it. In a wearing, drawn out and protracted parting, again, you will survive it. Much of the advice dispensed here is to try and help the transition through the process as painless as possible. That is to say, to keep the pain level to short, and just "God-awful" rather than long and "totally excruciating". Under your current strategy of extending last chance #9, you are choosing long and "totally excruciating" pain. But you will survive it. You will likely come out the other end of it pretty banged up, and definitely more banged up than you need be, but you will survive it. That's it. That's all I got for you Sister elynne . You will survive it. You will survive it UNLESS you don't. He is an abuser. He has been violent. People who are emotionally, verbally and 'mildly' physically abusive are just one step away from beating the shit out of you and two steps from killing you and sometimes they skip a step during a relationship breakdown. Your physical safety and that of your girls is your NUMBER ONE priority. It probably wont happen to you, but it happens often enough that you need to be aware and take precautions.
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Post by elkclan2 on May 17, 2018 14:31:20 GMT -5
Oh and elynne I also want to point out that you don't have ANY idea why he was crying. Maybe he was crying because he's genuinely brokenhearted about the relationship but maybe he was crying because he feels sad he's going to have to do all that financial disclosure AND face the stigma of divorce or maybe he's crying because he's sad he married some worthless bitch who is going to take all 'his' money. You can bet he's not feeling sorry for you. He's not shown any sign of it so far. Your number one mistake is over-empathising. You are a nice person, genuinely, I think, and nice people assume other people are nice and evidence is all around us that they're not. I'm with a nice person now and it's a huge difference!
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Post by saarinista on May 17, 2018 17:04:10 GMT -5
Oh and elynne I also want to point out that you don't have ANY idea why he was crying. Maybe he was crying because he's genuinely brokenhearted about the relationship but maybe he was crying because he feels sad he's going to have to do all that financial disclosure AND face the stigma of divorce or maybe he's crying because he's sad he married some worthless bitch who is going to take all 'his' money. You can bet he's not feeling sorry for you. He's not shown any sign of it so far. Your number one mistake is over-empathising. You are a nice person, genuinely, I think, and nice people assume other people are nice and evidence is all around us that they're not. I'm with a nice person now and it's a huge difference! I agree. totally.
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Post by saarinista on May 17, 2018 17:11:01 GMT -5
Please still go get all of the back account information and statements going back for the past year. This is information you should have had access to all the time. Do you have access to last year's taxes along with all of the supporting documents? In the USA that would give you at least a listing of the different banks where accounts are held, along with all of his sources of income. I agree elynne must get a grip IMMEDIATELY on the finances, the locations at the accounts, all of that. see a lawyer. woman up. As nyartgal said, the train has left the station. there is money involved. As I recall elynnes husband is quite affluent. She needs to get a handle on the legalities and money NOW because he could take her to the cleaners if she doesn't. he sounds tough. This divorce should be equitable. I'm not suggesting elynne take him to the cleaners. Just saying if he's affluent he probably knows how to work the system. She should not let him use it against her or she could end up in a VERY bad spot.
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Post by nyartgal on May 17, 2018 17:28:44 GMT -5
... Yeah I did that too and honey, that is a failed project before you even get out the glue gun and the glitter. This is a madness we have to unlearn, not ignore. Even heartburn feels good if that's all you know. We were brought up to think these wildly dysfunctional relationships dynamics were normal---even desirable! And though my ex is nothing like my Mom on the surface, he played me in exactly the same way by using my learned behaviors about love against me. You are better than this. He is not. Get your affairs in order because no matter what you do next, a divorce is coming. The train has left the station. This - this - this. This happened to me. I'm not sure he even MEANT to do this. He was a selfish, lazy, sexually dysfunctional asshole before I got with him, but through trial and error he learned how to use my sense of worthlessness against me. You have to deliberately unlearn this shit. Yes, exactly---it's so familiar and insidious. We have to carefully and DELIBERATELY unlearn it. Just because something feels normal doesn't mean it IS normal. I didn't feel worthless, but I thought tiptoeing around someone's unpredictable moods and constantly working (to no avail) to prevent the moods or improve them was normal. I was used to someone's moodiness and anger being a weapon used to control my behavior. It felt almost comfy to be so bewildered all the time by someone's behavior. And I guess on some level I LIKED it, because I was super in love with my ex. Chasing his love was appealing to me on some weird level I couldn't possibly see until I was getting out of it. I was unhappy for a long time, but didn't understand the connection between my upbringing, my marriage and myself. Now that I am in a very functional relationship with a man who is in touch with his own emotional life and doesn't take his feelings out on me, and constantly strives to be a good partner, I can see how completely insane the old dynamic was. But it took therapy, learning a shitload about personality disorders and passive aggression and myself to really GET IT. This is why a good therapist is GOLD!
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Post by tirefire on May 17, 2018 19:10:41 GMT -5
Hey, just saw this elynne. Just want to wish you good luck and run, don't walk to your lawyer. We're all cheering for you.
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Post by DryCreek on May 17, 2018 19:21:50 GMT -5
I agree elynne must get a grip IMMEDIATELY on the finances, the locations at the accounts, all of that. see a lawyer. woman up. As nyartgal said, the train has left the station. Agreed. elynne... I wish for you a full reconciliation, truly. But the odds are so stacked against this that you really can't take your foot off the pedal. So, I won't say "go file", but engage the lawyer, get the process rolling, understand your next moves, then choose whether to file or sit. Even if you choose to file, that's not final. Heck, even if you divorce that doesn't have to be final, but it might still be a necessary step (a la bballgirl). Give it your full effort with H, but put on your parachute ASAP.
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