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Post by choosinghappy on May 17, 2018 7:23:03 GMT -5
I hear the advice. And I know you and northstarmom are responding with sincerity and with my best interests at heart. But one last effort seems like the best course of action in this moment. It may prove foolish, but I’m fairly well protected by Dutch divorce law. I do have a very good lawyer if it comes to it. I have family with financial resources to help me get back on my feet. It may well be overly optimistic, but that’s a big part of who I am. Even if the glass is empty, I still have a glass! I’ll be ok if we end up divorcing, but I need to see if it’s possible to find what I want and need with h. It may also be a bit of needing to prove that he can love me. I just don’t know. And another thing weighing on my mind is my period is over two weeks late. It may be stress, it may be that we had sex a few times a few weeks ago. If I am pregnant, there is no question that I’ll terminate it. But hormones may be playing a role in feeling like I need to try one last time to make our marriage work. Off to call the city hall to see how I can get a status update on my citizenship. That’s becoming a critical issue. Nothing wrong with trying one more time if that's what you want but set a timetable and save money. I’d also add: ...and don’t be surprised if you find (sooner rather than later) that your H never had any intention of trying to “work on things” and you get served first and feel blindsided. He wouldn’t have told you in therapy last week that he was intending to divorce if he didn’t mean it. Reminds me of the quote:”when someone tells you who they are, listen.” He’s been “telling” you (through words, actions, lack of actions) who he is for many years. Stop looking at him as you’d LIKE him to be and hope for him to be. He is not that person and likely never will be. This is a hard lesson I have had to learn too when it comes to my H. As bballgirl said, try to focus on the logical side of things more than just emotional. I’m glad you have a good lawyer and are prioritizing your citizenship. Try to protect yourself as best you can.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 17, 2018 7:26:40 GMT -5
“It May be overtly optimistic but that’s a big part of who I am”
I am also an optimistic person. And I think that’s a good thing! But just remember there’s a fine line between optimism and crossing into foolhardy. (Again, a lesson I’ve had to learn.)
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Post by elynne on May 17, 2018 7:27:15 GMT -5
Nothing wrong with trying one more time if that's what you want but set a timetable and save money. I’d also add: ...and don’t be surprised if you find (sooner rather than later) that your H never had any intention of trying to “work on things” and you get served first and feel blindsided. He wouldn’t have told you in therapy last week that he was intending to divorce if he didn’t mean it. Reminds me of the quote:”when someone tells you who they are, listen.” He’s been “telling” you (through words, actions, lack of actions) who he is for many years. Stop looking at him as you’d LIKE him to be and hope for him to be. He is not that person and likely never will be. This is a hard lesson I have had to learn too when it comes to my H. As bballgirl said, try to focus on the logical side of things more than just emotional. I’m glad you have a good lawyer and are prioritizing your citizenship. Try to protect yourself as best you can. I just called the city hall. Irony of all ironies, no one was available to take my call because there was a citizenship ceremony today. I’ll get a call back tomorrow from someone who can answer my questions. Next step, pick up a pregnancy test. I’ll take it tomorrow morning.
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Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2018 7:31:08 GMT -5
Also talk to your therapist.
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Post by elynne on May 17, 2018 7:31:52 GMT -5
Also talk to your therapist. I’ll call for an appointment.
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Post by elynne on May 17, 2018 7:35:49 GMT -5
Also talk to your therapist. First available appt was for the 24th. I took it.
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Post by northstarmom on May 17, 2018 7:36:16 GMT -5
Elynne, glad you will see your therapist. While we are well meaning here, your therapist is in the best position to help you consider your options.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2018 7:38:05 GMT -5
I will. Seeing him cry Monday at therapy really shook me. I’ve rarely seen him sad before, and never saw him cry. He broke down thinking about telling the kids. Shoulders shaking, hands over his face. It called up all my soft and protective feelings for him. I’m really at a loss. So I went through all my notes about our arguments. I made a list of the things I think he’d like me to change. He did say, “this seems a little forced. Maybe it is.” I look at these facts, and I know that if other people survive and even thrive after divorce, I can too. Ohhh....elynne! Dear friend you are going through a very difficult emotional time today! So, so many life changing decisions that have to be made NOW. New career, new family, new country, new location, new income, new income level, new tittle, new status, new priorities, new time schedule, new faith, new diet. Not just you but for your children too. As a fellow artist let me share with you... My urge, need and desire for painting stopped all during my two years of divorce. It wasn't an outlet for me any more. Their where far to many other new changes happening. Life changing decisions to be made. I instead found myself reading about divorce, being on here daily, and most important, leaving the house as much as possible. I watched a lot of trains sitting alone in a church parking lot surrounded by hundreds of cars, reading my books. I couldn't paint anymore. My confidence that I could replicate any color or any detail like a photograph was gone. It's all in boxes now. My tent and display walls are donated. To many other things are more important. Change is coming my friend. Good changes. Like so many things in life the best things are worth fighting for, you have to take it, you have to make it happen. Pardon my bluntness. His emotional pity party was more than that. He lured you ( and the therapist) right into his trap, again. I look forward to the day when you turn to him and say, "Put on your big boy underwear, that's not my problem, that's not my concern. You did this to yourself, and you have no control over me. Bye bye!" "This seems a little forced" Oh the irony in that! What he said to you is " you are asking me to submit, even a little bit, I can't do that." You have A LOT of facts coming your way. With them will come life changing decisions to make. Some will require taking risks. It's the person who won't take any risks, who won't submit to new and different, who ends up living a life of plain, boring, "safe" nothingness.
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Post by baza on May 17, 2018 8:06:10 GMT -5
If this goes spectacularly guts up in an acrimonious explosion of legalities, missing funds, surprise pregnancies, surprise girl friends, high drama and ill will all around Sister elynne , you will survive it. In a worst case scenario, you will survive it. In a wearing, drawn out and protracted parting, again, you will survive it. Much of the advice dispensed here is to try and help the transition through the process as painless as possible. That is to say, to keep the pain level to short, and just "God-awful" rather than long and "totally excruciating". Under your current strategy of extending last chance #9, you are choosing long and "totally excruciating" pain. But you will survive it. You will likely come out the other end of it pretty banged up, and definitely more banged up than you need be, but you will survive it. That's it. That's all I got for you Sister elynne . You will survive it.
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Post by h on May 17, 2018 8:11:24 GMT -5
You can still be optimistic and work on fixing things while at the same time preparing for a divorce. Being prepared doesn't mean that you have to follow through with it. You should be prepared for a life alone anyway. Your H could get hit by a bus tomorrow and you would be on your own. You should still establish bank accounts in your own name and be prepared to live on your own income or savings indefinitely. If your H died and your name isn't on his accounts, it could be months or years before you got the legal rights to access the money. Start looking out for your own best interests now, not later. Divorce is not the only reason to do so.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2018 8:20:02 GMT -5
A colleague of mine is a Marine. His phrase is, "Hope is not a plan.".
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Post by elynne on May 17, 2018 8:42:13 GMT -5
If this goes spectacularly guts up in an acrimonious explosion of legalities, missing funds, surprise pregnancies, surprise girl friends, high drama and ill will all around Sister elynne , you will survive it. In a worst case scenario, you will survive it. In a wearing, drawn out and protracted parting, again, you will survive it. Much of the advice dispensed here is to try and help the transition through the process as painless as possible. That is to say, to keep the pain level to short, and just "God-awful" rather than long and "totally excruciating". Under your current strategy of extending last chance #9, you are choosing long and "totally excruciating" pain. But you will survive it. You will likely come out the other end of it pretty banged up, and definitely more banged up than you need be, but you will survive it. That's it. That's all I got for you Sister elynne . You will survive it. Thank you. For the wise words, the compassion, and the vote of confidence. I will survive it. I realize that the likelihood of turning this around is remote, and that a failed attempt to reconnect will hurt like a bitch. Even knowing the likely outcome and the pain I’ll be putting myself through, it still feels like the right choice for now. If the time comes when it no longer feels like the right choice, I’ll lick my wounds and pick myself up. And in the meantime I’ll be saving money, working on my self-esteem, learning about my boundaries and learning to listen to my needs and respect and value them. I may come out of this bruised and hurt, but stronger and better and absolutely certain of what is and what is not ok in my relationships. Knowing all of that, today this feels like the right choice. I won’t regret trying. I would regret walking away when I feel there is a tiny bit of hope. If he hadn’t cried, I wouldn’t have felt that hope. I know that I could be being really stupid. But what is one more heartbreak in the grand scheme of things? Is it strange that a small part of me hopes that he has a girlfriend? If he’s chosen a new partner and the divorce is the result of him being involved with someone else, that would be definitive. It would kill that last little hope, and push me into ‘moving on’ mode. I realized that I couldn’t type “if he’s in love” with someone else. I think he does infatuation really well. I think if he didn’t ever truly love me that he won’t truly love a new partner either. She’ll end up taking my place, and I would pity her and her journey. If he is capable of a loving and healthy partnership, I want it to be with me. That’s the brutal and ugly truth. I guess over the coming months we’ll see where it brings me.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 17, 2018 9:31:26 GMT -5
If he hadn’t cried, I wouldn’t have felt that hope. Is it strange that a small part of me hopes that he has a girlfriend? If he’s chosen a new partner and the divorce is the result of him being involved with someone else, that would be definitive. It would kill that last little hope, and push me into ‘moving on’ mode. If he is capable of a loving and healthy partnership, I want it to be with me. That’s the brutal and ugly truth. I guess over the coming months we’ll see where it brings me. I don't believe your ready to hear this today, so read it again a few weeks from now. False tears (crocodile tears) can be a manipulative controllers greatest weapon against a codependent. He proved that. Those tears are their for two reasons. One, -the poop is hitting the paddle- it's now affecting him. Two- it's buying him control. Time, sympathy, confusion, hesitation, doubt, and guilt, all cast upon you to bare, while he continues on his path without you. You where given false hope. There's a huge difference in that and real hope. (It's very easy for me as an outsider to say that and see it for what it is. believe me... you have my understanding, I was played, and suckered by the best of them) You will read on here the line from the refuser, " I will change, I'll try, Things will get better, I don't want to lose you". The victim buys into it, and nothing changes, nothing happens. There are also the stories of the controller saying " Don't leave me, I don't want to loose you" while they are busy in the middle of an affair. I was asked by our psychologist ""how would you feel if your wife was having an affair?" my answer, " GOOD FOR HER! That would at least explain things. That she is capable, and that she just has no more compassion or desire for me. I'd be happy for her. I would then be free, and so would she". (however there is no one else) I think you want that too. I'm expecting your months to end up being weeks. And that's okay. Your attorney will also take all these life changing events and break them down into time line priorities for you. That will be a big help.
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Post by WindSister on May 17, 2018 10:03:01 GMT -5
Is it strange that a small part of me hopes that he has a girlfriend? If he’s chosen a new partner and the divorce is the result of him being involved with someone else, that would be definitive. It would kill that last little hope, and push me into ‘moving on’ mode. I realized that I couldn’t type “if he’s in love” with someone else. I think he does infatuation really well. I think if he didn’t ever truly love me that he won’t truly love a new partner either. She’ll end up taking my place, and I would pity her and her journey. If he is capable of a loving and healthy partnership, I want it to be with me. That’s the brutal and ugly truth. I guess over the coming months we’ll see where it brings me. I see so much contradiction here, I am sure you do, too. So much of your self worth tied into this man. I am glad you have an appointment with a therapist, I would repeat this very blurb at the appointment. For me, once I realized I wished he was seeing someone else, that's when I knew it was OVER. If you WANT your partner to cheat on you so you can get an "easy out?" Yeah... call it dead. But, you then twist back around, to wanting to be the only one he truly loves. Yes, that is worth exploring. (and I don't mean "with him.") That's an inside job, Elynne. I wish you the best, you will survive, as Baza said, no matter how you go about things. We might not agree, but it's your life. Live it for you.
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Post by elynne on May 17, 2018 10:09:33 GMT -5
Is it strange that a small part of me hopes that he has a girlfriend? If he’s chosen a new partner and the divorce is the result of him being involved with someone else, that would be definitive. It would kill that last little hope, and push me into ‘moving on’ mode. I realized that I couldn’t type “if he’s in love” with someone else. I think he does infatuation really well. I think if he didn’t ever truly love me that he won’t truly love a new partner either. She’ll end up taking my place, and I would pity her and her journey. If he is capable of a loving and healthy partnership, I want it to be with me. That’s the brutal and ugly truth. I guess over the coming months we’ll see where it brings me. I see so much contradiction here, I am sure you do, too. So much of your self worth tied into this man. I am glad you have an appointment with a therapist, I would repeat this very blurb at the appointment. For me, once I realized I wished he was seeing someone else, that's when I knew it was OVER. If you WANT your partner to cheat on you so you can get an "easy out?" Yeah... call it dead. But, you then twist back around, to wanting to be the only one he truly loves. Yes, that is worth exploring. Thanks for pointing out my inconsistency. I’m not saying it’s right, and it’s probably not very good. But it’s brutally honest. And I think to find my way out of here, that’s the one thing I need to hold on to. Honest feelings. Honest pain. Truth. If I hold onto these things like a life raft, I’ll navigate my way through this mess. It may be a bit of a process... but movement. One day at a time. Doing the best I can. I’ll keep at it until I figure it out.
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